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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Different wedding invites for bridesmaids partner

236 replies

Sunnyheart · 29/03/2025 08:14

Hello all,

I wanted some opinions on this situation.

I am a bridesmaid for a friend this summer, and received the official invite to the wedding yesterday. When I went to respond on their wedding website, my partner and I had different tabs for our RSVP. I am listed as attending the whole day ( lunchtime ceremony, afternoon reception which includes sit down meal & speeches etc, and evening do) however my partner was listed as only attending the evening do. I messaged my friend to check this was right and in fact he is able to attend the ceremony ( which finishes at 1) and the evening do from 7pm.

Am I being unreasonable to find this strange ?
My partner and I totally understands costs etc and limits to numbers, but part of me does find this rude.

We will need to travel and stay over night in order to attend, and as the venues are slightly out in the sticks it would be logistically a pain for my partner to go back and forth between a hotel and the venues.

I will caveat by saying that my friend hasn't met my partner even though we have been together for 3 years, as my friend has lived across the country for years now. We are very much firm friends and we have known eachother since college, but not as close day to day as we once were and don't see eachother for months at a time.

My partner doesn't really want to attend which I totally understand , although I would love to have him there ofcourse ( and for selfish reasons it would be much more ideal as I don't feel comfortable driving the distance so it will be the cost of a train there and back , looking at close to £100)

Thank you all.

OP posts:
Justlovedogs · 29/03/2025 10:42

A slightly different view, but what I think is rude is not discussing it with you beforehand and leaving you to find out on the invite.
My sisters came to my wedding and meal after, husbands and children to the evening party, but everyone knew the reasons for the decisions (financial) and the wedding was local so no harm done.
@SunnyheartI think I'd just go on my own if your DP isn't bothered, anyway.

Merrymouse · 29/03/2025 10:46

Justlovedogs · 29/03/2025 10:42

A slightly different view, but what I think is rude is not discussing it with you beforehand and leaving you to find out on the invite.
My sisters came to my wedding and meal after, husbands and children to the evening party, but everyone knew the reasons for the decisions (financial) and the wedding was local so no harm done.
@SunnyheartI think I'd just go on my own if your DP isn't bothered, anyway.

Exactly - this is the bit that I think is odd (And why I am wondering if it's more like one of those American weddings were you have about 20 bridesmaids and groomsmen).

Original poster
Sunnyheart · 29/03/2025 10:47

Justlovedogs · 29/03/2025 10:42

A slightly different view, but what I think is rude is not discussing it with you beforehand and leaving you to find out on the invite.
My sisters came to my wedding and meal after, husbands and children to the evening party, but everyone knew the reasons for the decisions (financial) and the wedding was local so no harm done.
@SunnyheartI think I'd just go on my own if your DP isn't bothered, anyway.

Good point, I think knowing before wouldnt feel like a snub as this has

OP posts:
pictoosh · 29/03/2025 10:48

Can't say as this would bother me. Like others say, it's quite nice to hang out at the hotel and spend the day relaxing before joining you for the party bit at night.

Think there's a bit of clinging rigidly to tradition here.

MummaMummaMumma · 29/03/2025 10:51

If you're being kind enough to be my bridesmaid, then I think your partner should be invited to whole thing. Doesn't matter if I've met him or not, it's you that I care about and you'd likely want him there.
Very rude in my opinion.

Merrymouse · 29/03/2025 10:52

pictoosh · 29/03/2025 10:48

Can't say as this would bother me. Like others say, it's quite nice to hang out at the hotel and spend the day relaxing before joining you for the party bit at night.

Think there's a bit of clinging rigidly to tradition here.

The tradition of talking to a bridesmaid before the wedding?

Bestfootforward11 · 29/03/2025 10:52

I don’t think your friend has necessarily done anything wrong. She might have decided only to have people she and her partner know well for the whole thing due to cost which is fair enough. They may have stuck to this quite strictly for whatever reason but it might mean she has lost sight of the bigger picture in that you are a bridesmaid and for you it would’ve been nice for your partner to be there.
The invite might work for some people. For you it doesn’t and fair enough for your DP not to go. You can have a great time without him and to be honest he’d probably be spending a lot of money to be quite bored as he wouldn’t really know anyone.

dogpool · 29/03/2025 10:54

This is why we didn't bother with day/evening guests. All guests were invited to be part of the whole day, where they were fed and watered. This included a good friend's partner, he'd been my school friend for almost 20 years but we'd not yet met his partner of over a year by this point because he'd moved to Australia and that's where they met. There was no question we'd invite her too. DH and I have definitely been invited to weddings where we didn't know anyone else, we just made "day of" friends there after a few drinks! I still enjoyed those weddings and loved celebrating with the couple. If the issue from bride & groom's POV is they don't know OP's partner, why invite him at all?

Purplecatshopaholic · 29/03/2025 10:59

I think this is really rude. And the fact she didn’t mention it, even more so. I’ve never heard of a BM’s partner only being invited to the evening - not a fan of ‘two tier’ invitations anyway. If I was him I wouldn’t be going. In this case, sounds like he’s not really into it anyway, so maybe no harm done there but her behaviour was still rude.

Laststraw25 · 29/03/2025 11:00

It is rude. He is a dp of 3 years, not 3 weeks. If you were married I would assume he would invited.
It is a shame she doesn’t want to meet and welcome him. This would make me question both the friendship, and the effort and costs you are absorbing.

How close are you?

I wouldn’t be going to such huge lengths unless you are really close and there is longevity.

I would leave dp at home, going to a wedding evening do isn’t going to be much fun knowing absolutely no one!’

OnePerkyRedDog · 29/03/2025 11:13

I’m in the middle of planning a (small!) wedding and I think that’s really rude. Established partners should be invited imo. Having had a chat with a lot of my guests they all told us they would take it personally if their long term partner wasn’t invited. We had to adjust our guest list a lot to accommodate this because our guest list is only small.

Inviting him and sending him away is rude!

MagdaLenor · 29/03/2025 11:19

@dogpool that's the right approach and the best sort of wedding!

Ponoka7 · 29/03/2025 11:20

As a BM you are busy all day, he'd be on his own. Who do you drop for someone you've never met? Close friend or a family member? It's a free party in the evening and accommodation already paid for. Apart from most MNrs being anti social and not enjoying other people's company, I don't know why it's considered a snub. He gets the fun part.

MagdaLenor · 29/03/2025 11:22

MNs being antisocial?! Where did you get that from, @Ponoka7 ? Not this thread. Everyone is very sociable because they're so inclusive.

Willandra · 29/03/2025 11:22

Mydogisamassivetwat · 29/03/2025 08:53

If the wedding is a bit of a trip for a lot of people, she’ll be shooting herself in the foot for the evening do.

I had a friend do the same. People had 6 hours to kill post ceremony until the evening do. Many just decided to fuck it off after wandering around a town for hours, having to spend money on food and drink. A few had drinks and then just carried on and were having a good time where they were.

She was so upset, but so many people told her you either invite people to the whole day or just the evening. It amazes me that people get so wrapped up in thier own weddings that they can’t see no one else really gives a shit about it.

Serves her right.

God I hate weddings.

Clarabell77 · 29/03/2025 11:26

Pinkl · 29/03/2025 09:44

In this situation where he doesn’t know the couple as the bride I would have asked you what he’d prefer because if he attends the whole day he’d be on his own as you’ll have bridesmaid duties. To me it makes sense for him to come along in the evening unless he does know some mutual friends.

This

Hwi · 29/03/2025 11:28

No ring, no bring? Seems nomal.

MyKingdomForACat · 29/03/2025 11:28

All day invite or evening invite. If you attend the ceremony then you attend the wedding breakfast x

MagdaLenor · 29/03/2025 11:30

Hwi · 29/03/2025 11:28

No ring, no bring? Seems nomal.

Your bridesmaid has a long term partner? You bring.

Excited101 · 29/03/2025 11:32

Absolutely fair for him not to be invited, with you busy all day it would be god awful for him when he doesn’t know anyone. Why can’t you drive it? How far away is it?

ShhhhhItsASurprise · 29/03/2025 11:33

We had a very small wedding and just one best man and best woman. My best woman was my best friend. I can’t imagine having someone whose partner I hadn’t met in 3 years anyway, but I also wouldn’t be buying him dinner either. Her “partner” (they’d been together a couple of months) came to the evening do. She met her now husband 3 weeks later.

BirthdeighParteigh · 29/03/2025 11:33

I always think it’s a bit of a snub to ask people to come to recognise your love if you’re not willing to recognise theirs by inviting their partner.

That said, you’re not a guest at this wedding - you’re working as a bridesmaid. So he would effectively be on his own most of the day, especially if he doesn’t know other people.

In the circumstances I think it’s fine, but don’t blame him for staying at home.

ShhhhhItsASurprise · 29/03/2025 11:33

MagdaLenor · 29/03/2025 11:30

Your bridesmaid has a long term partner? You bring.

Show quote history

Long term but not found the time to meet the bride and groom in 3 years?!

MagdaLenor · 29/03/2025 11:34

Surely a bridesmaid is a guest?! She's not forced labour 😆

MagdaLenor · 29/03/2025 11:34

ShhhhhItsASurprise · 29/03/2025 11:33

Long term but not found the time to meet the bride and groom in 3 years?!

Show quote history

So? You still invite them.