Different wedding invites for bridesmaids partner

[Sunnyheart]

Hello all,

I wanted some opinions on this situation.

I am a bridesmaid for a friend this summer, and received the official invite to the wedding yesterday. When I went to respond on their wedding website, my partner and I had different tabs for our RSVP. I am listed as attending the whole day ( lunchtime ceremony, afternoon reception which includes sit down meal & speeches etc, and evening do) however my partner was listed as only attending the evening do. I messaged my friend to check this was right and in fact he is able to attend the ceremony ( which finishes at 1) and the evening do from 7pm.

Am I being unreasonable to find this strange ?
My partner and I totally understands costs etc and limits to numbers, but part of me does find this rude.

We will need to travel and stay over night in order to attend, and as the venues are slightly out in the sticks it would be logistically a pain for my partner to go back and forth between a hotel and the venues.

I will caveat by saying that my friend hasn't met my partner even though we have been together for 3 years, as my friend has lived across the country for years now. We are very much firm friends and we have known eachother since college, but not as close day to day as we once were and don't see eachother for months at a time.

My partner doesn't really want to attend which I totally understand , although I would love to have him there ofcourse ( and for selfish reasons it would be much more ideal as I don't feel comfortable driving the distance so it will be the cost of a train there and back , looking at close to £100)

Thank you all.

I think it’s fine.
They don’t know him and if he really doesn’t know anyone else there, why invite him to sit at a table with randoms all afternoon.

I would have given you a heads up but that’s the only think that would bother me.

No, it's weird having the gap in the middle!

Surely these days when people tend to live and work over a wide area of the world it can't be unknown for the bridal couple not to have met the partner of one of their friends.

This.

You will be busy with the bridal party but your attention will be divided as he willnot know anyone.

How many bridesmaid are there?

I would expect your DP to be invited, however it’s true he would be by himself during the wedding ‘breakfast’, so can see some logic - especially if they are trying to keep within a budget.

Why is he saying he doesn’t want to go? Why doesn’t he want to go to support you and witness you being a bridesmaid? It’s not all about him. Surely he can entertain himself for a few hours and get some food.

Not really. That's just when the different bits start.

No we didn't.
We knew the partners/husbands of all but 1 Bridemaid and she was in a very new relationship so he wasn't invited.
Same with Groomsmen, if we knew their OH then they were invited but if not then no.
Our wedding, our choice and it wasn't a cost issue. We just wanted to spend the day with people we knew.
In fact our entire wedding was purely around what me and DH wanted, nobody elses opinion counted at all

So why not just have one part and everyone comes along? I think that's what I'm struggling to understand.

Because there just are different parts. There's a formal and legal ceremony and a meal. That is two separate bits any way round. Even if the ceremony and meal are in the same hotel they aren't one part. If the ceremony is in a church even more so.

Then an evening bit is another one. You nearly always have to clear the meal room and move to another.

Surely the reception is a follow on from the ceremony? Is there a reason why you'd invite people to your ceremony but not your reception? Sorry if I appear obtuse, but that's the bit I struggle to understand.

Very poor etiquette from the couple and I work in the industry.
I would decline to be bm and offer to attend evening as a couple.

No it's cheap. It's saying that as guests, they're not quite good enough to deserve the pricey meal with the good wine, but if they don't mind hanging around dressed in wedding gear, entertaining themselves nearby for a few hours at their own expense, they can come and have a sausage roll and a crack at the cheeseboard later on. It's not a very thoughtful invitation.... and significantly less thoughtful than just inviting them for evening, so they don't waste half a day killing time between bits.

And you choose to celebrate your coupledom by splitting existing couples?

Just because something is conventional or is (or was) English social behaviour, doesn't mean it should be followed.

Personally, we chose to have the room full of friends and family we both know and love, rather than half full of people that one or other of us had never met. If either of our friends had partners that hadn't been bothered enough to meet us, then we didn't bother enough to extend the partner an invite. Quite reciprocal really in that sense.

Would you invite a stranger to all your important, intimate life events?

We chose to have the room full of friends and family we both know and love, rather than half full of people that one or other of us had never met.

Nobody split up because of it. 😂

This.

Strictly speaking, the ceremony is, by law, a public ceremony; to allow objections to the marriage taking place. You're not so much 'invited' (anyone can walk off the street and attend the ceremony) as 'informed' as to time and place.

It's definitely cheap.

I think that's not really the point, because people do take it to be an invitation. If you get an invitation and it includes the details of the ceremony, it's clearly an invitation, no matter what English law says. Otherwise what's all this upthread about the bloke being invited to the ceremony but not the reception?.
If you're inviting people to share your wedding, I think you should host them at the reception. Just my point of view.

Church weddings are considered public events. Anyone can attend, invited or not.

I'm not sure whether that extends to all (non-church) wedding ceremonies or not though, quite possibly!

We had one of these and my partner went. I did t bother.

You're missing my point (deliberately, methinks).

A wedding is a joining together of two people. A celebration of that joining. So why do you think it is correct to disrespect the other couples' commitment to each other by excluding one of a couple?

I work in the industry, you’re right people don’t do that, the only time I’ve seen this happen is when the guest comes to ceremony and then goes to work, usually emergency service workers attend a 12pm wedding and then go work the 2pm shift. In 150+ weddings per year none have invited ceremony guests then ditched them in the venue and had a reduced number of guess to their drinks reception then wedding breakfast meal.
It’s very poor manners and usually an older relation points it out because they would feel embarrassed. Also - what if they didn’t go and just hung around, awkward all round!

Yes. Whilst the ceremony is public, in a church at least and anyone can attend, I think that if an invitation providing the details of the ceremony is included, then that should also be extended to the reception. Otherwise just invite to the evening party.

There is something very tacky about expecting people to attend the ceremony, and presumably in a good suit or tails or a nice dress and then expect them to entertain themselves until the evening party. It indicates little respect for their time and frankly why should they be expected to dress up for the ceremony if they are less important to the bride and groom than others.

I get that but would also be considerate if my friend knowing she has been in a relationship for 3 years even if I haven’t met him because I’m living on the other side of the country.

As others have said OP should go and let her partner stay home.