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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He invaded my space/was creepy. I feel angry - even days afterwards.

160 replies

septembernights · 28/03/2025 19:11

Hi,

I was debating posting this, but I can't keep it in any longer and feel like I need a safe space to vent/question if I am being unreasonable.

The other day, after visiting my goddaughter, I had some time to kill - before heading out for dinner. I went to a hotel bar as I was in the city. It's a bar I've been going to for 20+ years. I had my work bag (thinking I was going to head to the office once free) but because dinner was nearby to where my goddaughter and her mother were - I decided to work at the bar. It's a lovely establishment, not loud etc... I also had a book in my bag.

I get to the bar and immediately 'feel' a man opposite staring at me. I shook it off and got my laptop/book out. Still, I could feel him staring. He then looked like he was leaving - great! He ended up coming over to me, saying hello - and asking if I could watch his stuff for him... except his stuff was on the other side of the bar...? I said 'I'm sure your stuff will be fine - no one is going to steal it!'

He then came back, got his belongings, sat next to me and offered me some chocolates - which was in one of the bags. I politely declined. He didn't relent/move. He acknowledged that he noticed the staff were familiar with me and said this place must be 'my local' - as it was his too. Great(!)

He ordered himself a drink - and offered me one. I said no. He then kept trying to chat - and after some polite interaction and I explained that I had work to do. He apologised and then touched me on my shoulder and in one movement - moved his hands down to mine and apologised again. I recoiled away from him. He must have thought he was being a gentleman in the way he was profusely apologising, but it really didn't feel like that.

I said I was going to move - at which point he proceeded to wrap up/leave. He asked for my number - I said no - and then said: 'Not to worry, since this is your local - I'm sure I'll see you in here again soon, no doubt...' - but he said it with a smile. He told me to 'take care' as he left. I found out he settled my check/bill - which annoyed me. I am capable of buying my own wine. I don't want to 'owe' him anything should I ever see him again.

It has been a few days now and I am mad - as in really angry. I'm angry that I wasn't stronger - even though he didn't do anything so awful. I feel like I can't go back to my place again. The older I get, the less patience I have. I wish I had the guts to speak up more and could have told him to F off. I'm tired of being 'nice' for fear of a man getting angry/violent.

Sorry if this is nonsensical - I'm just angry and raging. I'm getting my period next week, so maybe I am PMS-ing. But AIBU to feel angry days later? Why didn't I speak up? Why didn't I just move from the outset?

Please no abusive comments. I think I am just sensitive at the moment. :(

OP posts:
helloworld88 · 28/03/2025 19:14

Sorry I voted wrong! It’s definitely fair to feel those feelings. What a creep

Edit: oh it let me change my vote, sorry I’m not doing so well on this and ruining your thread!

sciaticafanatica · 28/03/2025 19:14

Honestly don’t take this the wrong way but I think he thought you were “ working”

sciaticafanatica · 28/03/2025 19:15

I only say this because similar happened to a friend… it’s not a justification and makes him more creepy

Original poster
septembernights · 28/03/2025 19:18

sciaticafanatica · 28/03/2025 19:14

Honestly don’t take this the wrong way but I think he thought you were “ working”

In fairness, I did think of that too, but I think that was quickly shut down - as my work screensaver visible when I opened my laptop - it's a well known accountancy firm. Also, my Slack notifications were appearing on my work phone too - which he noticed - and he joked about how the Slack notifications are the worst sounds ever.

So no, I think it was clear I wasn't 'working' - although in some ways, I wish I was! Would have made more sense!

OP posts:
Letmecallyouback · 28/03/2025 19:20

Oh god this reminds me of years ago we had someone like this appear in a local bar. He kept settling people’s bills without asking and really made a lot of locals annoyed and uncomfortable because he just would not stop even when you were quite forceful. Turned out he was a retired prison officer who was desperate for friends and had sold a house and had money to burn. Another regulars wife ran off with him in the end 😳

Original poster
septembernights · 28/03/2025 19:21

Letmecallyouback · 28/03/2025 19:20

Oh god this reminds me of years ago we had someone like this appear in a local bar. He kept settling people’s bills without asking and really made a lot of locals annoyed and uncomfortable because he just would not stop even when you were quite forceful. Turned out he was a retired prison officer who was desperate for friends and had sold a house and had money to burn. Another regulars wife ran off with him in the end 😳

OMG!! 😯

OP posts:
SewingBees · 28/03/2025 19:26

I'm absolutely with you on having to be nice to strange men in case they get violent or angry. It's an incredibly unfair element of our society.

Even this week I've had to have the chat with my daughter about a boy at school who is ignoring her saying no. She's 8 FFS.

MasterBeth · 28/03/2025 19:26

YANBU. Entitled, creepy behaviour. Get yer fucking hands off, you sleaze. Paying for a drink gives him no right to take up your time or manhandle you.

Audiprettier · 28/03/2025 19:43

Isn't it hideous that men have a sense of entitlement to us?

What a vile creep.

I think almost all of us can relate to this type of unwanted behaviour at some point or another.
As op said, giving an agressive response can work out badly for women (on the other hand, trying to remain polite may be seen ((yuk!)) to them as just being coy!) FGS!

'Ask for Angela' needs an upgrade!

So sorry you had to endure this!
I just thought of something you could do,but better not write it...JIC!

Rhaidimiddim · 28/03/2025 19:46

Have a word with the hotel/bar manager. If he turns up again, have them deal with it.

bettydavieseyes · 28/03/2025 19:46

That sounds awful 😖

I dont know if your married OP? It's the first thing I say when a man comes near! Sorry I'm married and I'm busy! First sentence.. it works!

LucastaNoir · 28/03/2025 19:52

sciaticafanatica · 28/03/2025 19:14

Honestly don’t take this the wrong way but I think he thought you were “ working”

Seriously? Do you mean he thought OP was a prostitute? Because she was sitting having a quiet drink at a bar with her laptop? Jesus Christ. I genuinely can’t imagine anyone making that assumption - he would be utterly deluded and dangerous.

OP, you are right to be angry. He encroached on your space, did not leave you alone when you said you had work to do and settled your bill despite you earlier declining a drink. I would feel the same as you. Furious. Don’t be angry at yourself, it’s very easy to think in hindsight of behaving more forcefully etc. And don’t be put off from going back. He likely won’t be there, if he is - you can tell him to fuck off.

Ottersmith · 28/03/2025 19:52

Well next time you see him you will know to tell him to fuck off. 'Fuck off, mate." Try it.

Mickeychampionwhatgoodami · 28/03/2025 19:53

MasterBeth · 28/03/2025 19:26

YANBU. Entitled, creepy behaviour. Get yer fucking hands off, you sleaze. Paying for a drink gives him no right to take up your time or manhandle you.

All of the above and a curt FUCK OFF!!

Daisydiary · 28/03/2025 19:57

What a knobber! How dare he? This is why I don’t go into pubs and bars alone, which is wrong in and of itself. We should feel safe and comfortable and not like we’re about to be hit on. I’d have been doubly fucked off thag I was trying to complete a piece of work as well - he’s not only angered you, assaulted you and insulted you, he’s stopped you hitting a deadline as well. I honestly think you were well within your rights to shout DON’T TOUCH ME the second he put his hand on your shoulder.

DuckieDodgyHedgyPiggy · 28/03/2025 20:02

I'm sorry you've had to put up with this from this creep. I have found that a hard stare works. As in prolonged eye contact in an unfriendly way.
But if not, yes, straight talking: "I'm not interested" and turn away.
As I've got older I've become more forceful and less worried about drawing attention to myself or offending people in this kind of situation. They started it, after all. The last time it happened the guy said "Oh, so you're a lesbian, then?" 🙄and I said "No, just not interested in you!".

RanchRat · 28/03/2025 20:06

When this happens, I go to the bar and tell them someone is pestering me. They nearly always deal with it.

OlivePeer · 28/03/2025 20:08

DuckieDodgyHedgyPiggy · 28/03/2025 20:02

I'm sorry you've had to put up with this from this creep. I have found that a hard stare works. As in prolonged eye contact in an unfriendly way.
But if not, yes, straight talking: "I'm not interested" and turn away.
As I've got older I've become more forceful and less worried about drawing attention to myself or offending people in this kind of situation. They started it, after all. The last time it happened the guy said "Oh, so you're a lesbian, then?" 🙄and I said "No, just not interested in you!".

This is the worst! What arrogance to think the only reason you're not attracted to him must be because you're not attracted to men. Ludicrous ego.

I agree with the suggestion above to have a quiet word with the staff/manager - they know you, and they won't want a guy like this scaring off their customers. It would be such a shame to be driven out of somewhere you like because of this man's sense of entitlement.

Imbusytodaysorry · 28/03/2025 20:29

@septembernights no way would I stay away .
I’d there’s a next time tell him straight to piss off out your space and you can pay for your own drinks .

Darkdiamond · 28/03/2025 20:38

I was in a foyer of a posh hotel at 5pm in the evening last summer, with my children and a man called over and said 'excuse me but are you single?' I was totally shocked and laughed at the audacity. I said 'no!' And he looked at the kids I a kind of 'was worth a shot' kind of tone and said 'yeah I thought not'. Many men will not be deterred until you tell them you're married. Sad but true.

MounjaroOnMyMind · 28/03/2025 20:50

If you're a regular there I would speak to the manager about that, OP. I'm with you - I'd want to tell him to fuck off but wouldn't out of some misguided idea of being polite.

JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff · 28/03/2025 21:01

OP we have all had these and you are right, the anger stays with you. I'm still angry about one that happened when I was in my early 30s and I'm 45 now!

I wouldn't tell him to fuck off in a nice hotel or similar - personally. I think tactically you want to get people around you on your side. Instead, I would say loudly and exasperatedly,

"I've told you I'm busy. I don't know who you are. Please leave me alone."

People will turn and look and there is an even chance someone will ask if you are okay at which point you say "I'm just minding my own business and this man won't leave me alone!"

Generally unless CreepyMan is.properly insane he will splutter and back off. He might be angry but he's unlikely to do anything in front of others.

Sifflet · 28/03/2025 21:03

Imbusytodaysorry · 28/03/2025 20:29

@septembernights no way would I stay away .
I’d there’s a next time tell him straight to piss off out your space and you can pay for your own drinks .

Exactly.

Ponoka7 · 28/03/2025 21:13

I would email the hotel company re allowing someone to pay for your food/drink. That is quite dangerous behaviour. He could decide to wait around outside for payment.

A lot of hotel bars are used as hook up opportunities, from both sexes. Which is what he's gone looking for, rather than thinking you are a sex worker.

Laiste · 28/03/2025 21:14

YANBU to be thinking of it days later OP Flowers

Last week i had some bloke following me round Tesco.

For context when i was a teen i travelled a lot around London on busses and trains and pretty much every single outing had me having to dodge at least one episode of unwanted physical male attention and lots of cat calls and chat up attempts ending in unpleasantness. (can't believe the 'lesbian' line is sill being trotted out!) It was normal life. I suffered a serious assault once and just finished my journey afterwards without telling anyone because i didn't know what to do.

However i haven't had to endure any of that sort of shit for years. I live in a sleepy village with DH now and we hardly go out!

This Tesco guy though - up and down every aisle there he bloody was. You know when you just know? Getting his trolly in my way and pretending it was an amusing accident. Every aisle. Needing to look all the same things i was looking at. Every aisle. Commenting on what i was picking up. I was ignoring him, but he kept on.

I doubled back and lost him and hid, to my shame, in the veg aisle behind a handy head height sign. I watched him looking for me! His head swivelling round, back tracking and rushing up and down the aisles.

I felt like a daft 15 year old again. I needed to just tell him to fuck off. But you keep thinking 'they'll probably get the message and are going to stop now. Just ignore them and they'll go away'. And 'i don't want to seem mean if he's lonely ...' 🙄 ugh

Anyhoo i managed to do the next bit of shopping in peace before he bloody found me again just before i went to the checkout. I barged past him and did self check out and although he tried to also there wasn't a free till and i got away.

I know when i go again (because it will be the same sort of time and day) i'm going to be checking he's not there at first. How ridiculous at my age. And it's such a small thing. He didn't touch me. I think it's all the pestering bad memories i have set me off.