Calling my unborn baby they/them

[Irish24]

I am keeping the gender a surprise and the amount of people that are confused when I refer to the baby as they/them’ is starting to aggravate me. I don’t like referring to them as ‘it’ or just ‘baby’. They/them is a word and has been going around for centuries. It also is a singular pronoun and does not always mean multiple. My friends say they can’t get their head around it. I don’t understand. I know they/them is a controversial topic these days and more people are perhaps finding out the gender. I still don’t find it confusing at all and it never even occurred to me that it would be. Anyone else experienced this or am I being over dramatic here? It’s just tiresome having to constantly explain to people, I don’t know the gender so that’s why I’m calling the baby ‘them/they’

Why don't you like refering to your baby as "baby"?

Are you actually having twins?

Why don't you just say "he or she"?

I didn’t know what I was having so called it ‘it’ until it came out. But this was back in the day when pronouns were not a thing.

It seems totally normal to me OP! I know a few people who are having a surprise and use they/them- it's always the singular pronoun when you don't know the gender of the person you're talking about.

He/she/it or baby
Them/they would indicate twins to me.

You're the one being tiresome here. Fucking hell.
It's a baby. 'when the baby is born', 'when the baby is here'.
Hope that helps. If you use They it sounds like you're having twins, rather than being intentionally obtuse as you seem keen to be.

I'm with you. I didn't know what I was having and used they/them and a few people were confused. That is a valid of use of those pronouns - it doesn't make sense to use them when you actually do know someone's sex but completely valid if you don't .

When you say “they” people are thinking that you are telling them that you’re having twins. You will either keep having to explain the rather tiresome choice to do the they/them thing or have to use “the baby” instead.

They/them has always been used, particularly in recent decades where it has replaced "him" when the gender isn't specified.

From 1940:
"The ideal that every boy and girl should be so equipped that he shall not be handicapped in his struggle for social progress ..."

"They" doesn't just mean plural, and it never has. I think some people pretend they don't know what you are talking about, but they can't be that ignorant.

I’ve used they/them as a singular when the sex of the subject is unknown since forever. I remember being taught it in school at least as far back as 1995.
So way before pronouns and “non-binary” were a thing.
I don’t think you are being unreasonable.

I prefer 'it' to 'they/them', or I would say my baby/our baby/the baby, she or he. They/them is now overused and sometimes very confusing. It is especially so on here when people often do say the sex of the person they are talking about, thereafter starting the 'they/them' which can lead one to think there is more than one person being discussed. Don't buy into the zeitgeist! Only use they and them the way the words used to be. It's so clumsy otherwise!

Its obviously your choice as to whether or not you tell people the actual gender of your baby before it’s born. However - I think it’s possibly that fact that is what people are finding annoying. I have never understood it when people do that personally. Either find out and tell people or don’t find out! This is only my opinion of course and it’s up to you but I know people get annoyed by it rightly or wrongly. So maybe it’s that deep down with people, rather than the fact that it’s they / them. It can seem unnecessarily precious and over complicated.

Is this a trap? Feels like a trick question. Are you speaking of gender or sex? Are you of the personal opinion that sex and gender are exactly the same thing, hence interchangeable, or are you one who believes the two are separate.

Using they/them means something different depending on your answer.

You can refer to your unborn child in whatever way you want, no matter what your reasoning.

I don't care for it when people use baby like it's the kids name. As in, "and how's Baby today". 🤮

I far prefer they/them! I find it really uncomfortable referring to a baby as an "it" as if the baby is an object and not a person, and they/them feels like the obvious alternative. I haven't been in this position myself but I know expectant mothers who have used they/them when they haven't found out the sex, so it wouldn't seem out of the ordinary to me. In fact, I probably wouldn't notice unless someone else questioned it!

(As for the implication of twins, I feel like if I'm close enough with someone to be discussing their pregnancy that they'd probably have mentioned having twins already! It's kind of a big deal to casually drop into conversation via the medium of pronoun choice.)

I agree with you OP I used they/them for both my babies before I knew what it was having. People trying to get offended by this, it’s common sense, you don’t know what sex the baby is yet! Examples in context

“when my baby is born they are going to sleep in our room”
”Our baby is measuring big so I don’t know what size of clothes to take for them”

I hated referring to my babies as “it” too, it’s often used as a spiteful comment towards mums. Couldn’t use he or she because I didn’t know yet!

I just don’t get why it’s confusing!

Your friends sound dumb if they're struggling with that! Makes sense if you don't know the gender

I understand, I prefer not to use ‘it’ as a baby, so used they/them before I knew she was a she/ my dad kept thinking I was surprising them with twins 🤣

Them/they has been used for centuries as a singular pronoun also.

It’s our choice to keep the baby’s gender a surprise. As our first baby I think it’s special to do that and some get it and some don’t. I’ve had people saying to me ‘would you not need to find out to prepare’ ‘oh I would have to know’. ‘What am I supposed to buy the baby as a present?’ Or did you say they were an he? As if they are trying to catch you out. Everyone is different and if you’re offended at our choice to do that then it’s just strange. It’s not precious or overly complicated. You find out the gender before the baby is born or you wait till they are born to find out. It’s not that difficult.

I dont remeber it being used longer than about 5 years or so ago, sure use it all you like no one can stop you but these days seems weird no matter how you want people to react

I just used baby or the baby ie "when the baby is here" or "I am taking the baby for a walk" (as a joke when I was pregnant)

The reason people are confused is because you’re using ‘they’ in a context where it’s not normal.

‘They’ is used in prose where the gender isn’t clear - to avoid repeatedly saying ‘he or she’ which is fine once but becomes clumsy after a while. It sounds natural because it’s become everyday English.

Referring to your unborn baby as ‘they’ is not everyday English and it sounds like you’re either having twins, or believe your child to be gender-fluid or non binary - which isn’t your decision to make!

They has definitely been used for when sex is unknown for a long long time but nowadays the meaning has been somewhat corrupted through misuse (referring to people when the sex is known).

I usually just said 'the baby' or FoetusMcFoetusFace

My intention is not to assume my baby is gender fluid. Jesus wept. It’s a special surprise and it’s an old tradition to
not find out the gender until they are born. People are making it far too complicated.