Calling my unborn baby they/them

[Irish24]

I am keeping the gender a surprise and the amount of people that are confused when I refer to the baby as they/them’ is starting to aggravate me. I don’t like referring to them as ‘it’ or just ‘baby’. They/them is a word and has been going around for centuries. It also is a singular pronoun and does not always mean multiple. My friends say they can’t get their head around it. I don’t understand. I know they/them is a controversial topic these days and more people are perhaps finding out the gender. I still don’t find it confusing at all and it never even occurred to me that it would be. Anyone else experienced this or am I being over dramatic here? It’s just tiresome having to constantly explain to people, I don’t know the gender so that’s why I’m calling the baby ‘them/they’

Using he/she when you don’t know the gender surely just complicates things even more?

Of course that’s not your intention - you’ve already explained it.
I’m just telling you that using ‘they’ the way you are is not everyday English so people will go on misunderstanding and you’ll have to keep on explaining!
English has very subtle rules - the minute you break one it sounds odd. It’s why it’s so easy to spot someone who isn’t a native speaker even when their accent is good. They say things which seem logical to them but just aren’t common usage.
See, I used ‘they’ correctly above. Fine in that context, unusual in yours!

@Irish24

I apologise for my earlier post. I only realised that I had misread it when you responded. You don’t actually know the gender yourself!

You're completely right OP. People don't seem to know how the English language works (it has nothing to do with non-binary or multiple births). I was expecting to see 100% yanbu, I really don't know what's going on with responders tonight.

Oh, I've just seen your username. I'm Irish too. Maybe they/them has became more politicised in the UK than here? I think they/them for an unborn is completely normal here.

It also is a singular pronoun and does not always mean multiple

No, it fucking isn't, to the first part, yes it fucking does to 2nd part.
It's only been designated/hijackedas a term to describe someone non-binary in recent years (no judgement, fact)

I chose not to find out with all my kids. I just referred to the baby as the baby.

OP I agree with you.
But I think if this thread shows you anything it’s that everyone has different opinions on it, and no matter what term you refer to your baby / them, someone will always take offence / tell you your wrong.

My mum (all them years back) just gave me a non-gendered name whilst she was pregnant so it felt less weird for her. It wasn’t a real name (maybe it would be today). Through the political lens that exists today, most people would lose their shit if someone said they’d given their unborn child a temporary ‘gender neutral’ name 😂

Why wouldn’t you tell people the sex of your baby if you know? Genuine question, it alll sounds very tedious.

You keep saying gender, but you mean their sex, don’t you?

Gender just causes irritation. As does “I know, but I’m not telling you”

YANBU. It's just that those pronouns have been hijacked.

Yes, those darn hijackers back in 1375 changing the meaning of the word…

(The year is according to the Oxford English Dictionary. For clarity, I was not around in 1375 so cannot personally verify the exact year it was hijacked).

If your language isn’t clear, don’t be surprised that people are confused. It’s true that outside of the world of gender ideology, they/them is used when a person’s sex is unknown but there is an ‘impersonalness’ to the use of these terms. You use they/them because you don’t know a person’s sex and you don’t know their sex because you’ve never met them. So it’s a bit odd to use the same term for the baby growing inside you that you already have a relationship with. When there is another explanation that more readily comes to mind - that you’re referring to more than one baby - don’t be surprised that that’s the one people go for.

How many weeks are you? It won’t be an issue for long will it? Soon as she/he is here it will stop.

I don’t think they would really, you hear people referring to the baby as things like, peanut, spud, button etc all the time. Ours was baby bean until we knew the gender and then she got a female temporary name.

Because it sounds as if you are being deliberately obtuse.
Calling a child they/them when they are not able to make their own choice is unfair too.
Why not just call it baby

OP if I had written the above sentence, I would have written, soon as they are here it will stop but feels different to verbally say it that way.

Maybe give baby a nick name, ie once bean / button is here ….

SEX

People are thick. I did this and people asked if I was having twins. It was wild. You can even see that in the replies here.

Could you say more about this?

As PP have said, sometimes the use of they/them as a singular sounds perfectly natural. At other times it sounds odd and will be jarring to a native English speaker.

Yes, it has been used for yonks to describe a non-specific person, but depending on the way a sentence is constructed, at times it can sound awkward and unnatural.

And now of course, non-binary folk have claimed they/them pronouns so it’s quite a politically loaded subject.

I had a conversation with a fellow parent the other day and she was describing a non-binary child and problems they were having with school. All fine until we got to the part about the timetable not being available. It was incomprehensible whether “they” referred to the child, the teachers, or the school not having it. The conversation was painful to follow, even though it had started out easily enough with the use of they/them pronouns.

I’m really not interested in the sex of other people’s babies so not knowing wouldn’t be an issue for me. But depending on how you used they/them in a sentence, I think it could potentially sound odd and a bit pretentious (sorry!)

There’s loads of generic ways to reference your baby without using they/them in an unnatural way. I also think there are plenty of ways to use they/them without it sounding contrived or forced.

Think it's nice not to know the sex of the baby. I find nowadays that a lot of women think they are the first to ever have a baby and are so precious about it. Only you really care about the sex because it's your baby but if you want to make a fuss about it go ahead. People aren't that bothered.

@Dueanamechange2025 Yeah, that’s the type of name I mean. I think it’s cute.

Don’t you think? People are already mad at OP using ‘they’. I definitely think there’s a pocket on MN who would totally lose their minds.

The only person as interested in the gender of your baby as you are is its other parent. The “we know the gender but we’re keeping it a secret” thing is a bizarre attention-seeking exercise IMO. No one cares! It’s a lovely baby whatever its gender!

If YOU don’t know the gender, then it’s a surprise. If you do know, but you’re not telling anyone so as to give the “surprise” to others, you’re deliberately creating a drama around yourself. Very Meghan.

People are stupid. Sometimes deliberately so (many examples on this thread). Thankfully this is a short-lived problem, but don’t worry – once they’re born, people will be thick and annoying about them in other ways!

It really is a singular pronoun, whatever else you think about the whole thing.