was i in the wrong?

[altaego]

we are in the unfortunate position to have a child (my SS) in prison for sexual offences.

i refuse to facilitate any form of contact or visits. I understand its a difficult situation for my DH and i have told him that what he does is up to him but i will in no way be involved.

for reasons we dont need to go into, we have not seen GC (SS's child) for a while and last night DH was planning something on his family what's app group (i am not a member as i have had to leave DH's family too him).

anyway, he mentions that he's planning a trip to prison in april to see son and i simply stated that we have not seen GC for sometime, and rather than arrange prison visits, wouldn't his time not be better spent arranging to see GC. he stated that he hadn't seen the one in prison since January.. my thoughts are 'oh dear what a shame never mind'.

it got me thinking, he was planning a prison visit with his 2 other sons, to see the 3rd son in prison, and one of the son's he was making the plans with is the father of the GC we have not seen for some time?

AIBU in thining there's something a bit off here? surely seeing GC has to be more important than a prison visit? I don't understand why DH can't see this and i don't understand why SS can't see this either.

Just to add, after he sorted his prison visit, he did then arrange a visit with GC?

Well he can do both surely, it’s not either/or. And I would say it’s pretty important to visit a child in prison, regardless of what they’ve done.

So he has arranged a visit to see his grandchild? What's the problem?

I don't think either of you are on the wrong but you are giving mixed messages. You say you've left his family to him, and then try to tell him what he should do 🤷🏻‍♀️

Why can't he do both.
Of course he wants to see his son in prison. Regards of what he has done he is still his son.
I understand why you don't want anything to do with him but he is his father
I don't think visiting one is more important than visiting the other both are important

It's up to him.

As you say, it's up to him. You sound very cold.

So he's sorted his prison visit to see his son and then sorted another visit to see grandkids? What's the issue here? Is it that you don't want him to visit his son in prison at all and using the GC as a cover for this?

Either it's up to him entirely or it's up to you to criticise his plans until he chooses the one you like.

So, he did both?

You’ve said that you’ve washed your hands of any involvement with his family. But then you want to get angry about him not sorting out what you want? Either you’re involved or you’re not. Pick one.

He wants to see his son in prison. He's not asking you to visit him and you have washed your hands of his family. He's sorted out the visit to his GC. If you would rather discuss the fact that to don't want him seeing his son at all at least be honest about it.

Not sure what the issue is?

He's seeing his son in prison and he's also seeing his grandchild.

What the problem?

Not sure how he can look a dgc in the eye when he supports his ds for sexual offences...

Do you have children? I think it’s hard to know how you would feel about your beloved child if they did something unforgivable. It is the only truly unconditional love in most cases. He probably feels conflicted and powerless. The GC is out there, presumably living a happy life. His son isn’t. We might think his son is vile, but he will struggle with his feelings.

Leave his family to him. But now, do that emotionally as well as physically.

You’re surprised the brothers and their dad are prioritising prison visiting together over other family gatherings.

I probably would be too, however the brother in prison may be struggling and need support whereas the GC is doing well and a visit would be just for fun.

I mean, I’m with you, but I’m trying to imagine their perspective.

I agree with other PP. He's seeing his son (in prison) with his 2 other sons plus making separate arrangements to see his GC? Is that right? What's the issue?

Is your issue that he has anything to do with the son in prison because of his crimes? Do you feel he shouldn't have anything to do with him at all and completely cut him off? Unfortunately, that's not up to you.

Regardless of what SS has done, this is still his child in prison, so if he wants to go and see him he can, you don't have to agree, or go with him, or even discuss the visit.

It's good that he has planned to see GC.

I would always go visit my child in prison no matter what they had done.

Why are you getting involved when it's nothing to do with you?

If YOU want to see the GC, then mention this to your husband and ask him if he could organise something.

You can perfectly do that without criticising his decisions.

What's the issue?

He's visiting his son in prison and has now also made a separate arrangement to see his grandchild.

Have you posted about this before?

Quite contradictory ; you say you want to stay out of everything concerning his family yet there you are voicing your opinions. Just stay out of it!

i have told him that what he does is up to him but i will in no way be involved.

This are your words OP. So why are you thinking, never mind posting, about it?

You have stated that you want nothing to do with it (your choice and totally valid), so butt out.

You sound extremely unsupportive in what must be a terrible situation for your husband and very difficult for him to navigate.

He can do what he wants.