was i in the wrong?

[altaego]

we are in the unfortunate position to have a child (my SS) in prison for sexual offences.

i refuse to facilitate any form of contact or visits. I understand its a difficult situation for my DH and i have told him that what he does is up to him but i will in no way be involved.

for reasons we dont need to go into, we have not seen GC (SS's child) for a while and last night DH was planning something on his family what's app group (i am not a member as i have had to leave DH's family too him).

anyway, he mentions that he's planning a trip to prison in april to see son and i simply stated that we have not seen GC for sometime, and rather than arrange prison visits, wouldn't his time not be better spent arranging to see GC. he stated that he hadn't seen the one in prison since January.. my thoughts are 'oh dear what a shame never mind'.

it got me thinking, he was planning a prison visit with his 2 other sons, to see the 3rd son in prison, and one of the son's he was making the plans with is the father of the GC we have not seen for some time?

AIBU in thining there's something a bit off here? surely seeing GC has to be more important than a prison visit? I don't understand why DH can't see this and i don't understand why SS can't see this either.

Just to add, after he sorted his prison visit, he did then arrange a visit with GC?

I agree with all of this! You don't HAVE to provide a taxi service, @altaego - and if your job prevents you having contact with offenders, surely going to the prison to hang around outside is a bit dodgy. It's not your fault or responsibility that none of your husband's family drive, and it's also not your fault or responsibility that a member of that family is a sex offender!

@altaego have you taken advice on declaring your now, association? I take it previously your DH was estranged, so it wasn't an issue? Now he isn't estranged, it may have to be declared. It could be discounted, but the non declaration could be misconduct.

He's the prodical son, but your relationship with your GC shouldn't and doesn't have to take a back seat. Aren't you in a position to arrange contact? Do so. Give your DH a lift, but that's it. There are charities who could support him, if he needs someone to talk things over with, they run support groups.

If you don’t want to drive say that. They can get public transport, there’s always public transport to prisons.

I don’t understand how they are complaining to you if you have stopped contact?

Prisons always have good transport links, you’re wrong about forming the opinion that just because they’re out of the way they are difficult to get to. Hundreds of families (a lot that don’t drive) visit weekly and they are facilitated to do this with trains/shuttle buses. There should be travel information on the prison website.

You were a witness for the prosecution and when his son comes out, you want him nowhere near your two daughters. This is commendable of course. But to be honest I’m sort of surprised you’re still together. There are men out there who do not come with this…baggage 🫤

my husband and i have been together a long time now, the offence took place well into out relationship.. this mess arrived at our door. i can hardly just up and leave my husband because of the actions of his son? its not my husbands fault his son did these things?

ive never said i have stopped contact, i have said that i have left all the arranging to my DH? of course i have contact with all those not in prison? we still communicate, i just have taken a step back from the arranging because as ive said.. its my fault no matter what happens.

3 counts of rape.. and yes every single other member of the family are happy to visit.

I can't believe how many people are insinuating you're being unreasonable. If a child of mine had been found guilty of rape I really don't think I could continue a relationship with them. Just hideous.

i think everyone has missed the point. i am simply surprised that DH and SS's priority is to arrange to see the SS in prison over seeing the GC?

GC has not been seen for months, SS has been seen in the last 6 weeks, yet the priority has been to get a visit to SS sorted over a visit to see GC.

But i will take the feedback constructively...

I can't nc and can't say much but ime you absolutely can walk away. Painful as it was...

Sorry, I thought you had to have no contact due to your job. My misunderstanding.

walk away from what?

i have to have no contact with the SS in prison... not with the entire family

sorry cross posted... but walk away from what? 'the family', the 'husband' or the 'granchild?'

i will not be leaving my husband, he is not responsible for his sons actions and absolutely does not condon anything. i fully understand why he wants to support his son and he fully understands why i do not.

im simply surprised that most people seem to think that DH prioritising SS over GC is ok?

Yes you're in the wrong.

He is his son and he is entitled to see his own son in prison, regardless of what he's done. He's paying for his crime by being in prison.And it's not up to you to demand his father cuts him off too as you don't think the punishment is suitable enough.

You seem really hung up on this idea that he’s choosing his son over his grandchild, but he probably doesn’t see it as a binary choice, and it’s not clear why you do. Does seeing one preclude seeing the other? They are separate issues.

While I understand why some parents make the decision to cut children off when they are involved in harmful behaviours and end up in prison, I also think there's a lot to be said for the parents who do try to maintain contact. It can be out of a sense of obligation- they feel as a parent it's their responsibility to try to rehabilitate their child and they may feel misplaced (or accurately placed in some respects) guilt that their child has gone down the wrong path or they may still have hope that the child they loved and raised can do better in future and with support can genuinely learn and eventually be reintegrate safely.

I love ds with my whole heart and while I will do everything in my power to teach him to grow up to be a good, safe man -I also can't think of any scenario where I'd completely cut him off. I think part of me would still feel responsibility to try and get him on a better way of being and I'd feel like my job as his parent to teach him and guide him is still needed.

So I do think you're being unreasonable to suggest that your dh should stop making effort with his son, I think it's entirely reasonable for you to not want to engage with him, but I don't think it's fair for you to dictate that he shouldn't. I also see no reason why he should choose between gc and his son.

I think your dh is in a very hard situation but yes he should still be trying to see his gc as well. As for the driving to prison - I think I would do this but I'd mainly expect it to be arranged with other family who are visiting.

You definitely CAN leave your husband, for any reason at all. You obviously don't want to, and that's your choice. Personally I don't know if I could stick by my child if they were in prison for multiple counts of rape - so to be honest I'm judging your husband a bit for doing so. But maybe it's because I have a daughter so it's much less likely I'll ever be in that position. Maybe if I was in that position, I'd stick by my child.

Yes, obviously my love for my daughter is unconditional, so maybe I'm just smug in the assumption that I'd never be in that position. (I said assumption, not knowledge, I realise she could end up doing something utterly heinous as an adult).

The criminal..

@altaego im simply surprised that most people seem to think that DH prioritising SS over GC is ok?

I don't think it's ok. As I said, I also don't think it's ok that he's standing by sex offender SS.

@altaego bloody hell!! I totally see your side!!! I could not have him near me and son or not, that would disgust me!!! cant believe the other sons are going to visit him either!! I certainly would be refusing to drive your dh or dss near the prison for visits!! are there no other women in the family who feel like you do?

@altaego I actually do not understand why your dh feels he has to support your ss! he is the last thing deserving of any support from anyone!! family or not! why does your dh feel this way??

Trust me, the whole mess has caused arguement on top of arguement, and as you have seen from some of the responses it would seem that you must love a child no matter what.

DH and I have had many discussions, i was worried i was married to a man who condoned the behaviour, and i am confident i am not, and i do really understand he wants to support his son. The rest of the family, to be fair, do not know the ins and outs of the story and its not my place to tell them. you would think him being locked up in a sex offenders prison would be enough for them to realise he's not been locked up by mistake.

The bit i don't understand is how his son is a higher priority than his GC. but again it would seem i am in the minority on this also?