was i in the wrong?

[altaego]

we are in the unfortunate position to have a child (my SS) in prison for sexual offences.

i refuse to facilitate any form of contact or visits. I understand its a difficult situation for my DH and i have told him that what he does is up to him but i will in no way be involved.

for reasons we dont need to go into, we have not seen GC (SS's child) for a while and last night DH was planning something on his family what's app group (i am not a member as i have had to leave DH's family too him).

anyway, he mentions that he's planning a trip to prison in april to see son and i simply stated that we have not seen GC for sometime, and rather than arrange prison visits, wouldn't his time not be better spent arranging to see GC. he stated that he hadn't seen the one in prison since January.. my thoughts are 'oh dear what a shame never mind'.

it got me thinking, he was planning a prison visit with his 2 other sons, to see the 3rd son in prison, and one of the son's he was making the plans with is the father of the GC we have not seen for some time?

AIBU in thining there's something a bit off here? surely seeing GC has to be more important than a prison visit? I don't understand why DH can't see this and i don't understand why SS can't see this either.

Just to add, after he sorted his prison visit, he did then arrange a visit with GC?

You talk about him visiting “someone in prison”. A very cold detached way to consider his son.

This isn’t just ‘someone’, its his child, whom he has loved since before he was born. Do you really think he can just wash his hands of him? I don’t have a clue how hard it must be when someone you love commits a heinous crime. But unless you’re in that position yourself you can’t judge how someone else deals with it. You absolutely can refuse to give him a lift, but that’s just making life harder for your H, not punishing your SS.

absolutely not! i have 2 DD's, there's no way on gods green earth this son will be allowed anywhere near. due to my job, i am not allowed to have any kind of association or connection with anyone with known criminal conviction either so our house is most definitely a no go area.

and when he is released from prison, i am 99% certain he will revert back to his old ways, and DH will hear nothing from him until he needs money, which is pretty much how it is now, the prisoner never contacts his DH, but DH sends money so he can make contact with everyone But DH.

i think this is really the issue. this son had nothing to do with his dad until he got sent to prison, then hey presto, dad is giving him money, arranging visits, buying him gifts. and i just don't understand? i know and sadly cannot and will not give the full details of this persons crime, but suffice it to say, it was not nice and i was a witness for the prosecution in the case so i know everything.

Yes, I can fully understand how you feel. I’ve been involved with a case like this and would feel the same.

Yabu. It’s his son and it’s up to him what he prioritises.

You love your children unconditionally. Yabu.

This certainly explains why you feel the way you do. Your husband is in a a very difficult position and I can't imagine what I would do if that was my son. I can see why he wants to support him though.

I think all you can do is leave him to deal with it how he feels is best. If you want to see his grandchildren, perhaps take steps to see them on your own. It's not ideal but if you want to spend time with them and your husband doesn't, it's the only answer.

You say the truth. DH never thinks to organize it, you feel that you are being used to the benefit of a sex offender. So what should we do?

You organize your (separate if necessary) visit to GC.

In fairness, your husband probably does have to confirm the prison visit first, and arrange everything around that.

What do you think would be a good solution?

Why can you not cut off that channel of communication with SS in prison? Especially as you say your job prevents having anything to do with them.

well basically to cut off that channel i guess i would have to leave my DH? I've said over and over i support and understand why he feels the need to see his son, and he does all the arranging, all that is required of me is 'taxi' duties which entails an hour trip there, a 3 hour sit around and an hours trip home. DH and his other children do not drive and as with all prisons, they are not exactly situated on easy to access network links.

the issue i have, is he will go out of his way to sort out visits to the prisoner, includuing sorting out transport for the other siblings (all adults well into their 30's) but simply cann't be arsed sorting out a visit to his GC unless i nudge him?

and SGC's dad (my SS) is happy for his dad to do all this arranging, is happy to attend these prison visits, but it doesn't occur to him either to arrange a visit with GC?

if i get involved with SGC visits, then i am interfering, if i don't get involved, then I'm the one blamed because we've not seen SGC. none of this ever falls on DH?

but i take on board all the comments, I will provide taxi services because i know this is helping my DH and thats it! Just because this GC is my Step GC doesn't mean i feel any less about him than i do my bio GC?

its a mess.

This makes sense, I can now see the position you are in.

OK, so you prioritise the Grandchildren with or without your husband. I can see from your husbands POV why he wouldn't abandon his son but it's up to him where he draws his boundaries. Can totally see why you are aggrieved though.

The son in prison is still his son. Imo he is right not to disown his son, as long as he condemns his behaviour.

Putting aside the SS in prison for sexual offences, the whole family sounds a bit shit and your DH sounds no better. It's a big ask for you to ferry them all to visit the SS in prison, waiting around and then driving them back. Your DH sounds unappreciative and any relationship with this SS could jeopardise your job. Do you really want to stay with your DH? It seems that everyone takes you for granted and holds you accountable for your DH not bothering to see his GC.

@altaego

You can't be half in/half out. You're either all the way out and say nothing and facilitate nothing or you're all the way in and facilitate your DH's contacts with his imprisoned child and with his grandchild based on his choices.

FWIW, I'd be all the way OUT and I wouldn't be a taxi service, either. I feel that 'abetting is approving' when it comes to something that goes against my principles. If I don't approve of what someone is doing, then they shouldn't ask or expect me to facilitate or contribute to it.

You either "leave his family to him" or you don't. You're giving very mixed messages.

Of course he should go on a prison visit. That's his son. And yes, while his son has done awful things, he's still your partners child.

I don't really see the issue. He's arranged to see his son in prison, and the grandchild.

You sound pretty cold tbh. Your DH is obviously dealing with an incredibly painful situation, and you are horribly sneery and disapproving of his attempts to maintain relationships with his family.

@altaego can you tell us what crime your ss has been found guilty of?? do the other steps actually want to visit in prison or are they feeling obliged to be their father??

The thing is you say you don't feel any differently about your step grandchild compared to bio grandchildren. But I think you would feel differently if your step son was your biological child. So more empathy for your DH would be a good idea I think.

I think you should do what you said you were going to do and keep your beak out. You have made your decision that you won’t be having anything more to do with your SS (and I would probably do the same). Your DH is in a completely different situation because it’s his own child who is the offender. He must feel so devastated, conflicted and guilty whatever he does or doesn’t do. If you can’t actively support him, then at least keep your opinions to yourself.

Why would SS come to you about DH not seeing his GC if you have stepped away from his family? So the answer to that is you say ‘Ask your dad’.

I think you are right to step away but you’re not fully doing so.

I’d still drive your DH to the prison if I were you. That is supporting your DH not his son.

Be honest though, you don’t want your DH to see his son in prison - or when he comes out. But that isn’t your decision.

I honestly feel for you, it sounds horrendous. I know someone in a similar position as your DH and my heart goes out to him.

He should be seeing his son and seeing his grandchild.

Them arrange to see GC, if you want to. Or don't, and tell ss that it's not your business to.

You're making this much harder than it needs to be.

You’ve said you leave him to it with his side of the family, but you’re clearly interfering?

Yes you're in the wrong to try and dictate to your husband that seeing his son shouldn't be important to him. He's a grown man with his own mind and is presumably well capable of making arrangements without need of anyone interfering.

Bit drip feed.

Just tell them to arrange their own transport 🤷‍♂️

He should do both.

Where did it say that?