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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

was i in the wrong?

130 replies

altaego · 27/03/2025 12:54

we are in the unfortunate position to have a child (my SS) in prison for sexual offences.

i refuse to facilitate any form of contact or visits. I understand its a difficult situation for my DH and i have told him that what he does is up to him but i will in no way be involved.

for reasons we dont need to go into, we have not seen GC (SS's child) for a while and last night DH was planning something on his family what's app group (i am not a member as i have had to leave DH's family too him).

anyway, he mentions that he's planning a trip to prison in april to see son and i simply stated that we have not seen GC for sometime, and rather than arrange prison visits, wouldn't his time not be better spent arranging to see GC. he stated that he hadn't seen the one in prison since January.. my thoughts are 'oh dear what a shame never mind'.

it got me thinking, he was planning a prison visit with his 2 other sons, to see the 3rd son in prison, and one of the son's he was making the plans with is the father of the GC we have not seen for some time?

AIBU in thining there's something a bit off here? surely seeing GC has to be more important than a prison visit? I don't understand why DH can't see this and i don't understand why SS can't see this either.

Just to add, after he sorted his prison visit, he did then arrange a visit with GC?

OP posts:
Original poster
altaego · 29/03/2025 17:01

SALaw · 29/03/2025 16:19

Why do you see it as one or the other? Unless the 2 things are connected ie can’t see grandchild if still in touch with son or something then I don’t see that one is being chosen over the other? They sound like they are completely unconnected and different reasons for not having seen either relative for some time?

i have not said its one or another. i've never said it was one or the other? of course he can do both, thats never been an issue either.

i personally thought that if i had a list of things to do: so, visit GC, visit Son, visit family, i would priorise them, so to me, and yes i am biased, i would visit GC first, family 2nd and son in prison 3rd. (although i personally would not visit son in prison).

DH chose son in prison first. only chose GS next because he was reminded to do so..

i shall do as everyone has suggested which is to simply 'but out'. and when SS and his partner next complain to me that we don't see enough of or do enough with GC, i shall point them in DH's direction.

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 29/03/2025 17:51

@altaego

I think you are wise to 'butt out' of both situations. It truly is for your DH to handle. If he chooses to ignore/neglect his relationship with his grandchild he'll have only himself to blame in later years when he decides to 'make time' for the child and wonders why the child has no interest in him.

The same goes for the child's parents. You can only neglect a grandchild so long until the parents start 'neglecting you back'. Especially if you're neglecting the child for a person imprisoned for sex crimes.

I can see you having the right to say a big loud "I told you so" in a few years, possibly sooner.

In the meanwhile, just be at peace in knowing you're doing the right thing.

PS I still say DH should make his own way to the prison, even if he has to hire a taxi.

Original poster
altaego · 29/03/2025 18:05

AcrossthePond55 · 29/03/2025 17:51

@altaego

I think you are wise to 'butt out' of both situations. It truly is for your DH to handle. If he chooses to ignore/neglect his relationship with his grandchild he'll have only himself to blame in later years when he decides to 'make time' for the child and wonders why the child has no interest in him.

The same goes for the child's parents. You can only neglect a grandchild so long until the parents start 'neglecting you back'. Especially if you're neglecting the child for a person imprisoned for sex crimes.

I can see you having the right to say a big loud "I told you so" in a few years, possibly sooner.

In the meanwhile, just be at peace in knowing you're doing the right thing.

PS I still say DH should make his own way to the prison, even if he has to hire a taxi.

thank you

OP posts:
queenMab99 · 29/03/2025 18:11

His son needs a visit more than the grandson, who has both his parents to care for him, whereas the son in prison, however much he deserves to be there, needs the support of his family. There is no need to compare the 2 visits, they both are important in different ways.

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 29/03/2025 19:25

@altaego sorry but I would definitely not be facillitating a visit to the prison to see a son who has been found guilty of 3 counts of rape!!! you are not a taxi driver! nothing to stop step son and grandchild catching the bus to your house either!!

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