was i in the wrong?

[altaego]

we are in the unfortunate position to have a child (my SS) in prison for sexual offences.

i refuse to facilitate any form of contact or visits. I understand its a difficult situation for my DH and i have told him that what he does is up to him but i will in no way be involved.

for reasons we dont need to go into, we have not seen GC (SS's child) for a while and last night DH was planning something on his family what's app group (i am not a member as i have had to leave DH's family too him).

anyway, he mentions that he's planning a trip to prison in april to see son and i simply stated that we have not seen GC for sometime, and rather than arrange prison visits, wouldn't his time not be better spent arranging to see GC. he stated that he hadn't seen the one in prison since January.. my thoughts are 'oh dear what a shame never mind'.

it got me thinking, he was planning a prison visit with his 2 other sons, to see the 3rd son in prison, and one of the son's he was making the plans with is the father of the GC we have not seen for some time?

AIBU in thining there's something a bit off here? surely seeing GC has to be more important than a prison visit? I don't understand why DH can't see this and i don't understand why SS can't see this either.

Just to add, after he sorted his prison visit, he did then arrange a visit with GC?

ah yes.

yes all advice taken and formal notifications have been submitted and clearance has been given as to what is and is not appropriate. and yes SS was estranged prior too all this.

as you can probably tell, i am the evil step mother!

i have agreed to give a lift to DH, and DH only. we have agreed for him not to discuss SS when i am around.

The prison SS is at is NOT on a bus route, or a train route and the nearest town is approx 6 miles away. I know this, because i did some research to try assist DH in getting there.

So why can’t he get the train and then taxi from the station?

I can absolutely see why you are so angry OP..The family are bending over backwards to support the perpetrator but the victim of his crimes (a child) appears to be an afterthought. I wouldn't be impressed with your DH's priorities. I'm kind of surprised that the father of the GC is supporting his brother too. I couldn't forgive a family member for abusing my child. Personally I wouldn't even want to be involved with ferrying DH there and back but can see that you are doing it for the sake of your marriage.

I used to visit an ex in prison many years ago, I didn't drive at the time and the prison was a cat C out in the countryside. I used to have to get a train to the nearest station, and get a taxi from there. If I could do it as a young woman (I think I was about 22 at the time?), I'm sure a grown man can manage it without needing his wife to ferry him there and wait for hours while he visits a serial rapist.

She’s been asked this question multiple times, but doesn’t seem inclined to answer it.

'She' has answered this many many times.

DH will bend over backwards to make arrangements to see his son, DH makes no effort to make arrangments to see GC?

I'm not really sure how clearer I can write it?

not sure where you get the notion that the person in prison has done anything to the GC?

And what does your DH say when you challenge him on this? Does he say why he doesn't bother to visit his GC?

I certainly wouldn't facilitate his visits to his rapist son. Let him make his own way there.

I think that the two issues are separate but I can see why you are making the comparison with his desire to see his son and his lack of desire to see his GC. It really doesn't show him in a good light.

Poor bloke cant win can he

im not sure how simpler i can put it. We have been away on holiday, and what with one thing and another have been away a good few weeks to a month!

when we go back, DH put all his effort into sorting out a prison visit, checking his rota's and that of his other sons, booking the visit etc.

his first thought was clearly 'i must see my son' and NOT 'i'd like to see my GC'. had i not have made my comment, its likely a visit to see GC would not have been made?

they are 2 different things, but if you have seen neither for some time i was simply surprised that his priority was his son and not his GC.

not really a competition is it?

That doesn’t answer the question at all.

If he doesn’t see the DGC enough, that’s an issue to raise with him. It has nothing to do with whether or not he visits his son in prison. Why are you conflating the two things? They have nothing to do with each other.

I am not sure how much more clearly we can ask this.

Neither needs to take priority over the other, though. There’s no reason not to do both.

If he doesn’t want to see his DGC or isn’t making an effort to do so, that’s really unfortunate. Discuss it. Ask him why. Be upset about it, even. Your feelings are valid.

However, that has nothing to do with him visiting his son. By conflating the two, YABVU.

so, in your theory... its ok to plan and arrange to visit son in prison. and its ok to not plan and arrange to see GC?

How on earth did you get that from my comment?

No, in my ‘theory’, whether or not it’s okay to arrange to see GC has nothing to do with whether or not it’s okay to arrange to see son in prison. The two things have nothing to do with each other.

I’ve been extremely clear on this. As have others. What part is confusing you? Genuinely asking, as it’s pretty straightforward and you don’t seem to be getting it.

im trying to understand it. if you have not seen your son who is in prison for some time, and you have not seen your GC who obviously is not in prison for some time.. DH's priority was to arrange to see his son. He only arranged to see his GC when i reminded him we have not seen GC for some time? If i had not had said anything, there would have been no visit to see GC sorted.

remember this is my Step GC, and it really is not my place to make arrangements to see said child.

i understand that seeing son and GC are separate issues, but as i see it DH has prioritised seeing son in prison?

He can do both. It isn't about priorities. The prison one is harder to arrange so perhaps should be prioritised.

His son in prison needs support. There is something very wrong with someone who wants to hurt someone else, so it's a good idea for the family to show they want to help support him in getting better. He needs to show remorse for his actions and understand why he did something so vile.

everyones comments have been very interesting and given me food for thought. thank you all

Why do you see it as one or the other? Unless the 2 things are connected ie can’t see grandchild if still in touch with son or something then I don’t see that one is being chosen over the other? They sound like they are completely unconnected and different reasons for not having seen either relative for some time?

Is there some complexity about seeing GC? Your husband is in regular contact with the child’s father and the father complains to you that your husband hasn’t seen the GC. Can’t he just bring the child over instead of it being some big rigmarole that needs prioritising above planning a prison visit (which probably does take more planning)?

Right. I’ve addressed the prioritisation point, so I don’t know how to engage any further without just repeating myself.

sadly SS (childs father) does not drive therefore we only get to see GC when we make the arrangements. but its ok, im very clearly in the wrong and i accept that.

i shall do as everyone has suggested which is to simply 'but out'. and when SS and his partner next complain to me that we don't see enough of or do enough with GC, i shall point them in DH's direction.

not to worry. thanks for your input.

as i said above, i shall accept i am in the wrong, at the end of the day thats why i asked and i very clearly am and its ok.

i shall do as everyone has suggested which is to simply 'but out'. and when SS and his partner next complain to me that we don't see enough of or do enough with GC, i shall point them in DH's direction.