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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

was i in the wrong?

130 replies

altaego · 27/03/2025 12:54

we are in the unfortunate position to have a child (my SS) in prison for sexual offences.

i refuse to facilitate any form of contact or visits. I understand its a difficult situation for my DH and i have told him that what he does is up to him but i will in no way be involved.

for reasons we dont need to go into, we have not seen GC (SS's child) for a while and last night DH was planning something on his family what's app group (i am not a member as i have had to leave DH's family too him).

anyway, he mentions that he's planning a trip to prison in april to see son and i simply stated that we have not seen GC for sometime, and rather than arrange prison visits, wouldn't his time not be better spent arranging to see GC. he stated that he hadn't seen the one in prison since January.. my thoughts are 'oh dear what a shame never mind'.

it got me thinking, he was planning a prison visit with his 2 other sons, to see the 3rd son in prison, and one of the son's he was making the plans with is the father of the GC we have not seen for some time?

AIBU in thining there's something a bit off here? surely seeing GC has to be more important than a prison visit? I don't understand why DH can't see this and i don't understand why SS can't see this either.

Just to add, after he sorted his prison visit, he did then arrange a visit with GC?

OP posts:
PaintYourAssLikeRembrandt · 27/03/2025 14:49

You're either involved, or you're not.

It sounds like you won't be involved - unless you disagree with the way he is handling a very difficult situation, then you'll stick your oar in, tell him he's doing it all wrong, and when he tries to talk to you about it you back off and tell him you don't want to be involved.

That's actually a really shitty way to treat someone.

Original poster
altaego · 27/03/2025 15:09

my apologies... i should have said that, only AFTER i asked why they thought it more important to visit son in prison rather than arrange to see GC did they arrange to see GC.

to the person who has asked if i have posted this before, the answer is no?

as far as the son in prison goes, i understand DH's feelings with regards too it, i just wanted to know if i was being unreasonable suggesting that a visit with GC would be higher up the priority list than to visit someone in prison.

i now have my answer.

OP posts:
Lickityspit · 27/03/2025 16:23

SS is still his son and of course he wants to see him. You can hate the crime but still love the person

ItGhoul · 27/03/2025 16:30

It's not your son and it's not your grandchild. It isn't your place to tell your DH which one should be his priority.

This is a very sensitive and difficult situation for your DH and his family, so stop stirring up arguments with him and leave him to decide with his family what they want to do in relation to all this; you are making things worse for your DH by poking your nose in and implying he's doing things wrong.

Original poster
altaego · 27/03/2025 17:23

ItGhoul · 27/03/2025 16:30

It's not your son and it's not your grandchild. It isn't your place to tell your DH which one should be his priority.

This is a very sensitive and difficult situation for your DH and his family, so stop stirring up arguments with him and leave him to decide with his family what they want to do in relation to all this; you are making things worse for your DH by poking your nose in and implying he's doing things wrong.

you are quite right and i hadn't really thought about it like that,

my DH does not drive and i am expected to be a taxi service for both visits? how do i navigate this?

OP posts:
Original poster
altaego · 27/03/2025 17:24

Lickityspit · 27/03/2025 16:23

SS is still his son and of course he wants to see him. You can hate the crime but still love the person

You are right, i think its difficult because of 'the crime'. distance is needed i think

OP posts:
Randomer27 · 27/03/2025 17:31

altaego · 27/03/2025 15:09

my apologies... i should have said that, only AFTER i asked why they thought it more important to visit son in prison rather than arrange to see GC did they arrange to see GC.

to the person who has asked if i have posted this before, the answer is no?

as far as the son in prison goes, i understand DH's feelings with regards too it, i just wanted to know if i was being unreasonable suggesting that a visit with GC would be higher up the priority list than to visit someone in prison.

i now have my answer.

Do you speak to him in the same tone?
” I asked why they thought it more important to visit son in prison rather than arrange to see GC” . Who the heck are you to be demanding answers to that.

From someone who thinks they are staying out if it, you still like to be a right shit-stirrer in in the middle of it.

Wind your neck in.

BeaAndBen · 27/03/2025 17:35

altaego · 27/03/2025 17:23

you are quite right and i hadn't really thought about it like that,

my DH does not drive and i am expected to be a taxi service for both visits? how do i navigate this?

Show quote history

If you are "not getting involved" with his family stuff - and fair play to you, I wouldn't want to either - that extends to being a taxi service.

Stay out of it entirely, don't make any comments about it at all, and don't involve yourself in his transport issues. It's on him to manage visiting his son.

Original poster
altaego · 27/03/2025 17:37

Randomer27 · 27/03/2025 17:31

Do you speak to him in the same tone?
” I asked why they thought it more important to visit son in prison rather than arrange to see GC” . Who the heck are you to be demanding answers to that.

From someone who thinks they are staying out if it, you still like to be a right shit-stirrer in in the middle of it.

Wind your neck in.

Show quote history

so what do i do when the SS complains to me, not to DH but to me, that we never arrange to go see GC?

I genuinely would like to know? if as everyone suggests "i keep out of it", then does this apply to every aspect? I know for a fact if i don't instigate visits to see GC, then they won't happen? Do i honestly have to forgo my relationship with my GC?

OP posts:
Createausername1970 · 27/03/2025 17:38

altaego · 27/03/2025 17:23

you are quite right and i hadn't really thought about it like that,

my DH does not drive and i am expected to be a taxi service for both visits? how do i navigate this?

Show quote history

Do you want to support your DH or not?

I would be the taxi service for my DH in these circumstances. Unless he was complicit in the events that put his son in prison, then it was probably a huge shock and I would like to think my partner had my back in times of trouble.

AgnesX · 27/03/2025 17:42

Easterbunnygettingsorted · 27/03/2025 13:36

Not sure how he can look a dgc in the eye when he supports his ds for sexual offences...

The offender is still his child.... abandoning a child, regardless of age and offence, is probably more difficult than it sounds.

PaintYourAssLikeRembrandt · 27/03/2025 17:42

altaego · 27/03/2025 17:37

so what do i do when the SS complains to me, not to DH but to me, that we never arrange to go see GC?

I genuinely would like to know? if as everyone suggests "i keep out of it", then does this apply to every aspect? I know for a fact if i don't instigate visits to see GC, then they won't happen? Do i honestly have to forgo my relationship with my GC?

Show quote history

You've said you're staying out of anything to do with your step son. It is you who made that choice.

The relationship with your grandchild is separate, you equated the two.

You could have mentioned it at a different time rather than waiting until the visit to your step son was arranged and saying you should do something else instead.

Surely there's room to visit both rather than having to pick one.

All you've done is make your husband feel shitty for wanting to see his son.

Original poster
altaego · 27/03/2025 17:46

Createausername1970 · 27/03/2025 17:38

Do you want to support your DH or not?

I would be the taxi service for my DH in these circumstances. Unless he was complicit in the events that put his son in prison, then it was probably a huge shock and I would like to think my partner had my back in times of trouble.

Show quote history

i understand why my DH wants to support his son, and there is a level of support I want to offer, I think because I am a woman, i find the crime just too much for my head to get around i guess

OP posts:
DelphiniumBlue · 27/03/2025 17:58

Not clear how on the one hand there's the stepson in prison, but then you're talking about having to forgo a relationship with your own grandchild. What have the two to do with each other? Why will you have to forgo a relationship with your own GC? Is the GC a child of the man in prison?
As far as lifts are concerned, if you've said you don't want anything to do with SS and won't be facilitating a relationship between your DH and the SS, then why would DH be expecting you to drive? He can get a train or cab or get a lift from the other sons ( his? yours)?
Your relationship with your GC is your own concern, it's up to to arrange to see them as you so wish, with or without DH. You are 2 separate people, you don't need his permission and he doesn't need yours to see your own children and grandchildren. But I still don't understand why seeing the grandchild is a problem.

Original poster
altaego · 27/03/2025 18:02

DelphiniumBlue · 27/03/2025 17:58

Not clear how on the one hand there's the stepson in prison, but then you're talking about having to forgo a relationship with your own grandchild. What have the two to do with each other? Why will you have to forgo a relationship with your own GC? Is the GC a child of the man in prison?
As far as lifts are concerned, if you've said you don't want anything to do with SS and won't be facilitating a relationship between your DH and the SS, then why would DH be expecting you to drive? He can get a train or cab or get a lift from the other sons ( his? yours)?
Your relationship with your GC is your own concern, it's up to to arrange to see them as you so wish, with or without DH. You are 2 separate people, you don't need his permission and he doesn't need yours to see your own children and grandchildren. But I still don't understand why seeing the grandchild is a problem.

my apologies.. i refer to the child as my GC when infact the child is the child of one of the other SS's (not in prison) so technically Step GC.

OP posts:
WonderingWanda · 27/03/2025 19:36

It's his son regardless of the offenses and you told him to do what he wants. Now you are moaning that he has.

simpledeer · 27/03/2025 19:55

You shouldn’t be trying to control where DH goes or who he sees. You are not obliged to drive him though. Can’t one of the adult sons he’s going with drive him? Or he can get public transport.

Your relationship with DGC isn’t clear. Can you not see them without DH if he doesn’t want to?

Hoppinggreen · 27/03/2025 19:56

If you have decided to leave his family up to him then you need to leave his family up to him

Whimsicalgrape · 28/03/2025 07:54

Yeah I don't get what the gc who are not even the offspring of the stepson in prison, has to do with you not liking your husband seeing his son in prison.

You're conflating 2 separate issues.

Sharptonguedwoman · 28/03/2025 08:05

altaego · 27/03/2025 17:23

you are quite right and i hadn't really thought about it like that,

my DH does not drive and i am expected to be a taxi service for both visits? how do i navigate this?

Show quote history

He gets a friend to drive him or he takes a taxi. Or a relative collects him.

Original poster
altaego · 28/03/2025 08:22

Whimsicalgrape · 28/03/2025 07:54

Yeah I don't get what the gc who are not even the offspring of the stepson in prison, has to do with you not liking your husband seeing his son in prison.

You're conflating 2 separate issues.

i didnt make that very clear... GC is child of brother of SS in prison

OP posts:
Goldiefrocks · 28/03/2025 08:39

How long is this man going to be in prison for? I can fully understand that you won’t ever want anything to do with him again, but while he’s in prison this may well be the easy stage. When he comes out of prison he will need to live somewhere. Will your DH want him to live with you? I’d be thinking hard about the practicalities of this for the future.

mamajong · 28/03/2025 08:41

UpTheAnte · 27/03/2025 13:12

I don't think either of you are on the wrong but you are giving mixed messages. You say you've left his family to him, and then try to tell him what he should do 🤷🏻‍♀️

This! The situation sounds awful but you don't seem particularly supportive. Fine if you've chosen not to be involved but if that's your choice stay out of it!

Spacehop · 28/03/2025 08:46

Whimsicalgrape · 28/03/2025 07:54

Yeah I don't get what the gc who are not even the offspring of the stepson in prison, has to do with you not liking your husband seeing his son in prison.

You're conflating 2 separate issues.

I think the OP has explained this: she's upset that DH prioritises seeing son in prison while at the same time not bothering with GC. The OP is upset with the latter as it means she also misses out on time with the grandchild.

OP is your relationship with the other SS's family not strong enough that you could just visit on your own? Sod waiting around for your DH to step up..

AubernFable · 28/03/2025 08:49

Differentstarts · 27/03/2025 13:49

I would always go visit my child in prison no matter what they had done.

That’s interesting, I absolutely wouldn’t if it was for ‘sexual offences’.

I completely understand where you’re coming from OP, I can’t say I’d support my DH in that situation but I know he feels the same way as I do. I don’t think the issue is about seeing the GC as much as the whole family dynamic.