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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want a postnup?

152 replies

parentandpartner · 27/03/2025 10:38

DP's parents want me to sign a postnup. DP wants it too. I don't want to sign but think I have no alternative.

I feel that DP's parents are trying to bully me (through coercive control of DP) into something I do not want to do and I fear them having oversight of an area of our lives that feels like it should be private between DP and myself.

AIBU not to sign?

Do I (1) sign to get them off my back and ensure my partner and our children are protected financially in the future and accept it's just a piece of paper and hopefully will never be needed or (2) leave the marriage to get free of the controlling nature of DP's family (and similarly ensure their financial security) or (3) continue to refuse to sign and as such mean my DP and our children are cut off?

(2) and (3) feel unthinkable so my question is: AIBU and do I just have to sign and try and move on with our lives? It's just money after all. And I was the wealthy one I can imagine feeling a desire to protect what I had earned.

For me it is about the principle (not giving in to bullies) and the feeling (it feels like abuse) - I don't mind about the money and would not want it if we split as I would want nothing to do with DP's family. But the consequences of not signing are major for DP and our children.

OP posts:
yeesh · 27/03/2025 10:41

Are you married? Are you in the UK?

pointythings · 27/03/2025 10:43

I wouldn't be signing. I would feel ambushed and I would feel my spouse did not trust me. Also, there are children. Anyone wanting a postnup in tgat situation cares more about their money than about their loved ones. Do not cave.

Original poster
parentandpartner · 27/03/2025 10:46

yeesh · 27/03/2025 10:41

Are you married? Are you in the UK?

Yes and yes

OP posts:
CheesePlantBoxes · 27/03/2025 10:48

Not a fucking chance id sign. However happy you think you are, I'd be extremely concerned about why this is coming up now - perhaps DH is pushing it and they are happy to take the fall.

You are a family. Why the fuck would he have married you without a prenuptial agreement if he now wants one if nothing has changed? To protect his assets.

My stance would simply be that I'll no longer be discussing the matter but I've is welcome to serve divorce papers.

MoreChocPls · 27/03/2025 10:49

If he’s coming into the relationship with a house, great pension and you have nothing, why not sign it.

Trickedbyadoughnut · 27/03/2025 10:50

You need to meet certain criteria for there to be any chance of a postnup being upheld in court, including what doesn't seem to be the case, that the agreement is freely entered into, that it's fair and that both parties get independent legal advice.

If you are going to sign it, I'd make sure they paid for your legal advice but you choose the lawyer.

But I'd have serious doubts about staying with a partner who was OK with bullying me into a postnup/allowing others to bully me into it.

ETA: https://www.dpmlegal.co.uk/media/inrlau45/pre-and-post-nuptial-agreement-february-2022.pdf

CheesePlantBoxes · 27/03/2025 10:52

MoreChocPls · 27/03/2025 10:49

If he’s coming into the relationship with a house, great pension and you have nothing, why not sign it.

Because they are already married and he is asking for a POST nuptial. So he has gained those whilst in the marriage and having kids with OP.

Meadowfinch · 27/03/2025 10:54

Trickedbyadoughnut · 27/03/2025 10:50

You need to meet certain criteria for there to be any chance of a postnup being upheld in court, including what doesn't seem to be the case, that the agreement is freely entered into, that it's fair and that both parties get independent legal advice.

If you are going to sign it, I'd make sure they paid for your legal advice but you choose the lawyer.

But I'd have serious doubts about staying with a partner who was OK with bullying me into a postnup/allowing others to bully me into it.

ETA: https://www.dpmlegal.co.uk/media/inrlau45/pre-and-post-nuptial-agreement-february-2022.pdf

Edited

This. If you are bullied into signing, it is automatically invalidated. Perhaps tell them that.

If you sign, you are effectively saying that the family of his parents, him and your children are a family to which you do not belong.

Any child would much rather have mum, dad, and themselves in their family, and sod the money. I'd refuse to sign.

BlueMum16 · 27/03/2025 10:55

How long have you been together? When did you marry?

What's the change now for this to have been raised?

Is your property in joint names? Is this protecting what he may inherit?

Does it protect your children?

Ph3 · 27/03/2025 10:59

@parentandpartner - from the post I inferred that the post nup is to protect your husband’s and your children’s inheritance and not the money you make together as a couple. Did I read that correctly?

I think the problem is that you feel pressured by your partner’s family and your partner. He should be on your side. For me that’s what really needs to be addressed first.

I don’t think it’s necessarily wrong that the parents want to protect their assets and ensure they go to blood relations (son and grandchildren in this case) but I also think that this is a sign of something else that might need to be addressed.

Sorry OP.

RatedDoingMagic · 27/03/2025 11:01

What does the PostNup say? And are you actually likely to be leaving the marriage in the foreseeable future?

It's not reasonable to expect you to sign away your rights as a partner in a marriage, so if the PostNup is rescinding your rights to share in wherever prosperity your DH currently enjoys or may be expected to earn during his future career then damn right you should fight that.

If your PIL are fearing that you might be planning to bide your time and divorce DH the moment he inherits their wealth, and want you to sign something that revokes your claim to anything he might inherit from them, then surely a better way for them to achieve that would be to leave everything to his children, allowing him (but not you) a life-interest in it. That would achieve their aim without you having to surrender your reasonable rights.

Original poster
parentandpartner · 27/03/2025 11:02

Thanks for posts so far.
Interested why people assume DP is a man?!

@CheesePlantBoxes & @BlueMum16
To answer what has changed, we have had a rocky period, so I totally understand where DP (and family) is coming from in terms of wanting to feel financially protected in case we split.

DP would possibly be disinherited without my signing. So it's a pretty major impact on them and our children. Flipside some of the things that currently are treated as joint (whether legally the case or not) like where we live and savings we have would become solely DP's.

We can't move on with our lives until it's resolved - so regardless of whether I am forced into it or do it willingly I feel like I have to do it.

@Trickedbyadoughnut DP is a very long way from being a bully and they are trying to protect me as best they can from the bullying which they also receive from their parents.

OP posts:
LoremIpsumCici · 27/03/2025 11:02

If you agree with what the post nup says, then just sign it. The whole it’s the principle of the thing isn’t worth destroying your marriage and life over.

doodahdayy · 27/03/2025 11:02

Tell them all to fuck right off

GasPanic · 27/03/2025 11:04

Most people look at these things in very black and white terms. ie either you sign it or you don't.

There is of course a third way and it is worthwhile thinking that any negotiation is not about one or the other party getting everything they want, but an outcome that both sides are willing to accept.

Trickedbyadoughnut · 27/03/2025 11:05

Sorry @parentandpartner, definitely didn't mean to sound like I was judging your partner - just wasn't 100 per cent clear where the pressure was coming from

Regretsmorethanafew · 27/03/2025 11:05

Trickedbyadoughnut · 27/03/2025 10:50

You need to meet certain criteria for there to be any chance of a postnup being upheld in court, including what doesn't seem to be the case, that the agreement is freely entered into, that it's fair and that both parties get independent legal advice.

If you are going to sign it, I'd make sure they paid for your legal advice but you choose the lawyer.

But I'd have serious doubts about staying with a partner who was OK with bullying me into a postnup/allowing others to bully me into it.

ETA: https://www.dpmlegal.co.uk/media/inrlau45/pre-and-post-nuptial-agreement-february-2022.pdf

Edited

Personally I'd sign it without legal advice, and then have it invalidated later on if necessary . But I'm sneaky.

Whoonearthareyou · 27/03/2025 11:08

They basically don't want a situation where you can remarry in the event of divorce or death and disinherit their grandkids. It's sound financial planning on their part.

Ph3 · 27/03/2025 11:12

parentandpartner · 27/03/2025 11:02

Thanks for posts so far.
Interested why people assume DP is a man?!

@CheesePlantBoxes & @BlueMum16
To answer what has changed, we have had a rocky period, so I totally understand where DP (and family) is coming from in terms of wanting to feel financially protected in case we split.

DP would possibly be disinherited without my signing. So it's a pretty major impact on them and our children. Flipside some of the things that currently are treated as joint (whether legally the case or not) like where we live and savings we have would become solely DP's.

We can't move on with our lives until it's resolved - so regardless of whether I am forced into it or do it willingly I feel like I have to do it.

@Trickedbyadoughnut DP is a very long way from being a bully and they are trying to protect me as best they can from the bullying which they also receive from their parents.

I apologise. I did assume DP was a man and only because that is my reality.

But If I’m honest it’s completely irrelevant if DP is a man or a woman. What is relevant is that you are feeling pressured.

you seem to believe that you need to sign it. So this is what I would do. I would get my own independent lawyer and have it look at it. You are not very specific with details (which is your right) but depending on what the lawyer would say I would not sigh anything that meant that money accumulated during the marriage would not be 50/50 mine if we separated.

FranticHare · 27/03/2025 11:12

Sorry if I'm missing something.

If you sign it - everything becomes your partners, including savings, home etc. Plus your partner will become richer because of a future inheritance? And you will have... Nothing?

If you divorce tomorrow, you will get half of all that he has now? (give or take)

If your relationship has been dodgy, and the future is not clear, this would be the icing on the cake for me and I would be filing for divorce NOT signing a postnup. Collect what I am due, which sounds like would be enough to help set me and kids up somewhere independently.

Bleachbum · 27/03/2025 11:12

OP, I would engage in the process but treat it as a negotiation. Get a lawyer and get the lawyer to negotiate your position with their lawyer. If your lawyer manages to negotiate a position that you are comfortable with, sign it. If not, don’t sign.

Starlight1984 · 27/03/2025 11:13

Yet another post where if the roles were reversed and a woman was saying she wanted to get married but had her own property, assets etc everyone would be telling her not to do it or to protect herself with a pre / post nup!!!

Almahart · 27/03/2025 11:13

It sounds as if you are not married? In which case I don't see why a post nup would be needed as you wouldn't legally be entitled to any inheritance anyway.

Almahart · 27/03/2025 11:14

Starlight1984 · 27/03/2025 11:13

Yet another post where if the roles were reversed and a woman was saying she wanted to get married but had her own property, assets etc everyone would be telling her not to do it or to protect herself with a pre / post nup!!!

In most, but not all cases, women's careers and pensions are massively more impacted than men's by them being the primary carer for their children.

Namechangean · 27/03/2025 11:15

Almahart · 27/03/2025 11:13

It sounds as if you are not married? In which case I don't see why a post nup would be needed as you wouldn't legally be entitled to any inheritance anyway.

they’ve specifically said they are married, they are using DP to be vague about gender