AIBU to not want a postnup?

[parentandpartner]

DP's parents want me to sign a postnup. DP wants it too. I don't want to sign but think I have no alternative.

I feel that DP's parents are trying to bully me (through coercive control of DP) into something I do not want to do and I fear them having oversight of an area of our lives that feels like it should be private between DP and myself.

AIBU not to sign?

Do I (1) sign to get them off my back and ensure my partner and our children are protected financially in the future and accept it's just a piece of paper and hopefully will never be needed or (2) leave the marriage to get free of the controlling nature of DP's family (and similarly ensure their financial security) or (3) continue to refuse to sign and as such mean my DP and our children are cut off?

(2) and (3) feel unthinkable so my question is: AIBU and do I just have to sign and try and move on with our lives? It's just money after all. And I was the wealthy one I can imagine feeling a desire to protect what I had earned.

For me it is about the principle (not giving in to bullies) and the feeling (it feels like abuse) - I don't mind about the money and would not want it if we split as I would want nothing to do with DP's family. But the consequences of not signing are major for DP and our children.

This is what it looks like?

Why would DP get everything that the OP has put in?
I would say No - and if you dont like it tough. And if DP doesnt like it, then they are free to start divorce proceedings.

Is DP being bullied by their family? Really? or do they just want you to think that?

Yes I came to suggest this!

Get your own independent lawyer to review it and see if there's anything you want or need popping in. If they want to treat this as a business transaction then treat it like so.

Very odd that they're trying to push this through after you're married though, why is this? Has something happened in the marriage, have the parents come into a lot of money unexpectedly?

You need to provide more info on what the assets are, who acquired them, are you both working, or is one a SAHP.

I understand that you claim that your DP is trying to protect you, but they're not behaving that way really- if they don't like the control being flexed around by their parents, they could say, "I have married OP and they have the legal and moral right to half of anything I have or may aquire."
It sounds tome like they were happy to share their lot with you when all was equal, but not so much now they might be getting a lot of cash.

It sounds like the parents are concerned about future inheritance, from them?

Another way to approach it, is to suggest that your partner creates
a separate bank account or investment portfolio for the inherited funds and assets. Which will keep them totally separate from your joint marital finances.

Would this make it more acceptable for you @parentandpartner ?

eta; clarification

If this is all about a potential future inheritance, I believe there are ways to ringfence that in a potential divorce. Rather than a postnup agreement that will favour one party massively with regards to what has been accumulated during marriage surely this is a better and fairer option?

You should absolutely seek legal advice. If it’s likely you would be the primary carer in the event of any separation then you need to protect yourself, and more importantly your children.

Is the post nup JUST about inheritance?

The fact you are even being asked the question would raise alarm bells personally, what sort of marriage starts by having plans in place for sorting out finances in the event of a divorce. One thing if you are a multimillionaire I guess but where’s the trust in the relationship

Divorce now. You can stay together but get the legal separation of your finances sorted. You can't sign a post nup which gives all marital possessions to your spouse

Of course you don't sign it. You are married and share children!

Thank you, the range of opinions is genuinely so helpful and is in line with me seeing it rationally (DP is wealthier as is their family and they are right to want to protect that) and psychologically (it feels like it’s a deliberate attempt to use their greater financial power to get me to sign away my "rights").

Just want to reiterate it's super odd that everyone seems to think I am a woman and my DP is a man?! Wonder if as another poster said people would be assuming the opposite if I was the one asking for the prenup?

Some context to answer questions:

DP's parents tried to get all their children to sign prenups but all partners (including me) refused so this is a new attempt - they have suggested that without it DP would be cut out of will. There is absolutely no way I would even consider signing it were it not for this pressure.

It is sound financial planning BUT they also have a long history of trying to exert control over various family members using money/legal structures. Normal boundaries with respect to children and grandchildren are not respected. Financial structures are complex. This means sadly even signing a postnup realistically would not mean an end to control and hoops to jump through.

They have already given some £ to DP (probably to try and avoid future IHT) which DP sees as solely theirs but I have read conflicting things about whether or not it counts as a matrimonial asset if savings are jointly held. Our home is in part funded by historical inheritances from DP's family. So I might need to sign away my rights to present as well as future things. (I don’t know how elaborate the post nup structure would be).

I understand my in-laws' rationale of protecting DP's money if we were to split -
DP and my partnership has been uncertain at times which is really key in this and I really want my DP to feel safe and that I do not want to be with them for financial reasons - but also feel they would not be attempting this route unless it would be less advantageous to me than a 'normal' divorce settlement if that most awful thing were to happen.

My concern is that money has always been a big factor for us due to differing earnings, different ambitions, different amounts from families, differing approaches to childcare. So negotiating things with lawyers will bring all that stuff up again (eg how do you put a £ value on childcare/home responsibilities AND earnings?) FWIW, DP's parents' best outcome would I think be that we separate - they have made it very clear that they do not like me - so if the process of necessitating a prenup brings on divorce for them that is probably a bonus as long as it is financially in their favour.

I love DP very much indeed and love our family. I do not want to end the marriage but DP's parents' behaviour is really upsetting me and making me ill - it’s all I can think about and I’m not really going out, exercising, eating properly etc; I cannot see another way to be actually free of them than to either sign it or walk away.

Well it't not super odd that most people would think you are a woman given this is a forum for mums.

But also, would they be OK with just protecting future inheritance? If so a postnup isn't needed at all. Even if you did sign a postnup that stated everything must be given to your OH in case of divorce I don't think any judge in the country would sign that off. It reeks of financial abuse.

DP would possibly be disinherited without my signing. So it's a pretty major impact on them and our children. Flipside some of the things that currently are treated as joint (whether legally the case or not) like where we live and savings we have would become solely DP's.

sod signing away your home, a joint asset
Get a divorce, your half of home, pension and investments.
Then he is free to inherit from his ghastly parents.

sounds as if you'd be well rid of him.

If the post nup only covers gifted money/inheritance then why wouldn’t you sign? It still gives you the opportunity to build up assets together and benefit financially from a hefty deposit etc. for example by benefitting from a lower mortgage interest rate.

Seems awfully grabby to want a piece of it in the event of divorce and especially given it will eventually go to your children anyway.

Take your point about being grabby and it's something I fear coming across as.
I don't know what the post nup will cover. Probably everything, not just inheritances. Absolutely all monies would go to our children from DP - unless they remarried.

It's super odd that you wouldn't think that most posts are from women on a Mumsnet forum.

In your last reply you've changed the original issue of postnup to prenup. Which is it as there could be quite a big difference how people would react to each?

If you bothered to read properly, OP hasnt said what the sexes are, so how you can post a 'if this was the other way around' poor menz response, I have no idea.

OP, is it fair not? Surely that's the main question here.

So you don’t actually know what it will cover?

because if the in-laws are just trying to protect their assets via inheritance that to me is fine

anything built up together should b not be

Its not 'super odd' at all, this is a female centric forum and most women are in a relationship with a man. Just stop hiding the sexes if it bothers you so much.

How legally binding are they in the uk ?

get legal advice

This. It is perfectly reasonable to want to protect your own financial position particularly if you are a SAHP and if your DP has your back he/she should also be open to a conversation about what a reasonable divorce or death settlement would be.

I also agree with the post above about the financial planning part from the grandparents. Yes they might be a controlling bunch of arses but it's not unreasonable to want your assets to go to your children and grandchildren and not risk that they go elsewhere to people unknown. It is unreasonable to leave you penniless and homeless.

Don't let yourself get bullied. Get a lawyer to look over the agreement and make changes to it. That's how this works. The lawyers will go back and forth for a bit.

Farming family by any chance?

Super odd? To assume a poster is a woman on a site that is mainly female.

This sounds like bullying to me.

If they were genuinely concerned about wanting to keep their money out of your hands, they could put any future gifts or inheritance in trust for your children rather than giving it to your spouse.

It sounds like they are more concerned about future money, because money you and your spouse already have is no longer under their control. You are already married and you don't have a pre-nup, so if their behaviour towards you causes your marriage to break down, as things stand you would probably walk away with a sizeable chunk of what has already been given to your spouse. With that in mind, it would be better for them from a financial point of view if your marriage were to last, and if they give any further money straight to the next generation.

Throwing their weight around at this stage makes it sound like they just want you gone, to see you get as little as possible in the divorce settlement, and for none of their future gifts to be at risk of falling into your hands.

I don't know what the answer is.

Have any of the others been asked to sign a post nup?