AIBU to not want a postnup?

[parentandpartner]

DP's parents want me to sign a postnup. DP wants it too. I don't want to sign but think I have no alternative.

I feel that DP's parents are trying to bully me (through coercive control of DP) into something I do not want to do and I fear them having oversight of an area of our lives that feels like it should be private between DP and myself.

AIBU not to sign?

Do I (1) sign to get them off my back and ensure my partner and our children are protected financially in the future and accept it's just a piece of paper and hopefully will never be needed or (2) leave the marriage to get free of the controlling nature of DP's family (and similarly ensure their financial security) or (3) continue to refuse to sign and as such mean my DP and our children are cut off?

(2) and (3) feel unthinkable so my question is: AIBU and do I just have to sign and try and move on with our lives? It's just money after all. And I was the wealthy one I can imagine feeling a desire to protect what I had earned.

For me it is about the principle (not giving in to bullies) and the feeling (it feels like abuse) - I don't mind about the money and would not want it if we split as I would want nothing to do with DP's family. But the consequences of not signing are major for DP and our children.

3 sounds perfect. As long as DP is on board with the consequences.

Also, of course people assume you are female on MUMsnet. Most posters are. If you want to avoid confusion, use she/he not they. Don’t make it all gender-neutral and do faux outrage when people make reasonable assumptions.

Please get some legal advice and your OWN SEPARATE lawyer

Fuck no. Don’t sign it

I agree. They are looking out for their blood relatives and you need to look out for yourself. I would be aiming for an agreement which ring fenced their inheritance such that it is not a marital asset but everything you have now (and that you are he contribute to the marriage through work etc) IS a marital asset. You can conclude this in a way that is reasonable and doesn't involve you being steamrollered.

They are not legally binding but a judge will often take them into account.

You have to be married to have a postnup (postnuptial, ie. after marriage )

When I met my DH he was divorced and felt ripped off by his ex (he was). So I suggested a prenuptial if it gave him some comfort that his assets before marriage were ring fenced, and mine. We didn’t. But no way would I do it retrospectively. It’s too late now, you’re married and you’re got kids the assets are already joint.

they are being coercive to your partner.

I would sign nothing, and under pressure i'd just initiate a divorce now.

What does your DH want to do? I know my DP would cut his parents off before being dictated to like this, especially if that was directed at me.

I believe Vardags are a very good solicitor for this (and quite pricey) if they pay for the solicitor of your choice and accept it if solicitor advises against it… then it won’t happen

nope.
In this case on signing the document all assets they currently share revert to the partner and OP has no claim on them.

That is dodgy AF and i wouldn't be signing anything of the sort.

If it is, as it sounds like, inheritance planning, then it should be done in good faith by the usual channels. (trusts, etc)

I would sign it but for future inheritance only and refuse any legal advice to circumvent it being enforceable. Definitely don’t sign away any joint assets or insist that they go into your name first as a reasonable compromise.

Nope I’d not sign it.

What is your DPs thoughts on your current situation, if it wasn’t for your PIL would he be wanting a post nip?

if the answer is no, then you both need to present a united front and say no, it might be a good opportunity for you both to move forward without your PIL exerting control via finances.

Remind you DP that inheritance is a gift not a given, his DP might go into care homes, houses sold and there could be very little left. Even if there is £££‘a left, you don’t need it. You and your dp can secure your own future and that of your dc without any inheritance.

OP
DP and my partnership has been uncertain at times which is really key in this and I really want my DP to feel safe and that I do not want to be with them for financial reasons - but also feel they would not be attempting this route unless it would be less advantageous to me than a 'normal' divorce settlement if that most awful thing were to happen.

I can see why your in-laws would like a pre-nup if your relationship with their child has been rocky. It’s understandable that they don’t want to give money to their own child to risk it being taken by you if you ended up divorced. The fact you are reluctant to sign would make me even more nervous that you are after the money.

If I were you I would sign and agree that any money or inheritance that is given to your spouse can be ring-fenced as belonging to them. Any money that is made by your spouse would not be included obviously. That would count as marital assets. You are already living in a house that your in-laws have contributed to so it’s not like they haven’t been generous towards you. It seems churlish to complain about them trying to exert pressure whilst also accepting money from them.

Also you state I have a fear [of] them having oversight of an area of our lives that feels like it should be private between DP and myself. but it would be THEIR money they would be giving your husband so it’s silly to think they shouldn’t have any interest in it.

As long as the pre-nup is written carefully and fairly I don’t see any reason other than you wanting the money in case you divorce not to sign it.

I may be wrong, but you sound like the female in the relationship. I don’t think it’s relevant though.

If you're career has been impacted in any way by having children - maternity leave, part-time work, reduced potential for promotion etc, then you definitely have a right to a share of DP/family assets, I don't think you should take the hit on the grounds that your kids would eventually inherit.

You shouldn't have the prospect of poverty/homelessness hanging over you if you split, and it sounds as if this could be possible - it would impact on the quality of life your children would have.

You definitely need legal advice, and treat the post-nup as something that has a very strong chance of being implemented. I can't see how it would be in your interests - why would your spouses parents be trying so hard to get you to sign if it wasn't to suit their desire to control you/your spouse.

The division of assets in a divorce is to protect the lower earner - it's not so long ago that a man could leave his family and sell the house from under them, the law is there to protect you, I really don't think you should sign your rights away.

If your spouses parents cut your spouse and kids out of the will, so be it, more important to have a solid, supportive relationship now, and signing this post-nup would threaten that.

Well, as you say, it seems like, as a couple, you either have the choice of your partner and your children being disinherited, or you accept a level of control/influence from your partner's family. What does this look like? Do they want to say how you spend money, where you live etc? If so, I'd rather tell them to stick the money where the sun don't shine...

But, I understand a partner or their parents wishing to protect family money by getting their other half to sign a prenup.

I agree that you need independent legal advice and someone else to negotiate on your behalf.

That isn’t true. The OP doesn’t know what the post-nup would cover. She (or he) is just guessing.

OP don't know what the post nup will cover. Probably everything, not just inheritances. Absolutely all monies would go to our children from DP - unless they remarried.

just to add,

The poster is male

The current family home was inherited/passed down to his wife.

It seems that, should they split, in the future, he expects to receive half the value of the family home as a marital asset?

There have been marital issues, an affair, maybe?

The parents are trying to protect their daughter's/grandchildren's future inheritance, reasonable.

It is difficult because the OP is being somewhat evasive (his perogative ofc), so I don't think we're getting the full picture.

It is complicated, @parentandpartner you definitely need legal advice as many previous posters have stated.

eta; sp.

I don't think it is unreasonable to protect any inheritance they are going to leave to their DC. The home you live in any savings would be none of my business though.

Just seen the above update. Yes I would expect you to waive interest in the house.

What’s coming across I. Your posts is that there’s a big financial discrepancy between you and your partner from what you had coming into the relationship and what you bring in. Ie during the relationship. This is causing conflict between yourselves now as well as in laws wanting some protection for their daughter on any money they’re giving.

if you can I would try to ignore the in laws control aspect and see it as a way of defining how to spoilt stuff if you were to spit whilst you’re relatively amicable with a view of making the decisions and putting the argument to bed so you can move forwards without the shadow to give your relationship better chance to succeed.

without know the control in laws try to exert on your kids (I think it sounds like to have them) is there also anything you can negotiate in return for signing the post nip on this now. Ie trusts set up for them outside in laws control,struggling to think of things here. But would recommend trying to find a compromise you can live with to try to govern yourself best chance to move forwards and leave the acrimony with your partner on it behind.

I wouldn’t sign it, no. What kind of time pressure are they putting on you?

Have you been to couples counselling and worked through this together?

How badly does he need the inheritance? Could he ask his parents to bypass him in their will and leave his part straight to the grandchildren?

You refer to 'DP' and 'partnership'. Are you legally married or in a civil partnership? Because as I understand it, in the UK you have no financial 'rights' otherwise. I know you probably don't want to give out too much detail, but what are they trying to 'protect'? A home bought with a 'gift' from them? Future inheritance?

I also understand that pre/post-nups in the UK aren't legally binding. They can serve as a 'guideline' in a divorce, but aren't written in stone.

However, before you sign ANYTHING, it is imperative that you take this document to an independent solicitor to have it reviewed and to take advice on signing it. By 'independent' I mean do NOT take advice from their solicitor or any solicitor they recommend.

Where I live pre/post-nups ARE legally binding. But one of the things that may invalidate one is not getting independent legal advice before signing. So I suggest you get that legal advice quietly.

“Just want to reiterate it's super odd that everyone seems to think I am a woman and my DP is a man?!”

You’re posting on MUMSnet, one if the few places around where the default is female. Default male assumptions are sadly a daily reality for most of us. Sounds like a massive case of male entitlement to me.

People are assuming you are the woman and DP a man because that is overwhelmingly the case on MN. If it matters to the situation then you can update it, otherwise, does it matter?

So the concern is your DO being cut out of a will?
If I were your DP, I wouldn’t want my parents’ money if they were blackmailing me and bullying my DP to get their way. They either bequeath their money to me or they don’t. They don’t get to have a say in anything else.