AIBU to not want a postnup?

[parentandpartner]

DP's parents want me to sign a postnup. DP wants it too. I don't want to sign but think I have no alternative.

I feel that DP's parents are trying to bully me (through coercive control of DP) into something I do not want to do and I fear them having oversight of an area of our lives that feels like it should be private between DP and myself.

AIBU not to sign?

Do I (1) sign to get them off my back and ensure my partner and our children are protected financially in the future and accept it's just a piece of paper and hopefully will never be needed or (2) leave the marriage to get free of the controlling nature of DP's family (and similarly ensure their financial security) or (3) continue to refuse to sign and as such mean my DP and our children are cut off?

(2) and (3) feel unthinkable so my question is: AIBU and do I just have to sign and try and move on with our lives? It's just money after all. And I was the wealthy one I can imagine feeling a desire to protect what I had earned.

For me it is about the principle (not giving in to bullies) and the feeling (it feels like abuse) - I don't mind about the money and would not want it if we split as I would want nothing to do with DP's family. But the consequences of not signing are major for DP and our children.

Where did you get that information from?

There's an easy legal way out of this so you don't have to sign anything. Your partner's parents needs to set up a bloodline trust so that their assets pass to their children only in the trust. It's safe from partners and safe from breakups and divorce like that. They will need legal help to set it up.

But that wouldn't allow them to control everyone, which is what this is actually about.

😄 did you read all the posts?

I would not sign anything without getting my own legal advice.

Because she has kids and even if working her earning power will be reduced. And if they break up all he will pay is min cms, leaving her and kids in poverty.

OP do not sign. Legally you have right to 50%.

it is suspicious they are doing this and it’s nothing to do with his parents.

Sign or dont sign; Makes no difference. Pre and post nups are not legally enforceable in the UK and the marriage act supercedes everything.

If you ever divorce you'd be entitled to 50% as a starting point of negotiation, regardless of any signed documents

Absolutely not.

I read all the OPs posts and I don’t see them saying anyth7ng about affairs etc.

Leave now and take half.

If you don’t know the content of the agreement you aren’t in a position to make an informed decision.

People have wisely suggested that to limit the scope of the agreement without creating conflict, DON’T get legal advice! Without legal advice the agreement will not hold water.

Sounds like you aren’t informed enough to make any rational decisions.

purely my interpretation of his posts @TheWolfHouse

I fear them having oversight of an area of our lives that feels like it should be private between DP and myself.

Interested why people assume DP is a man?!

Just want to reiterate it's super odd that everyone seems to think I am a woman and my DP is a man?!

It is sound financial planning BUT

(DP is wealthier as is their family and they are right to want to protect that) and psychologically (it feels like it’s a deliberate attempt to use their greater financial power to get me to sign away my "rights").

They have already given some £ to DP (probably to try and avoid future IHT) which DP sees as solely theirs but I have read conflicting things about whether or not it counts as a matrimonial asset if savings are jointly held.

Our home is in part funded by historical inheritances from DP's family.

DP and my partnership has been uncertain at times

I really want my DP to feel safe and that I do not want to be with them for financial reasons

My concern is that money has always been a big factor for us due to differing earnings, different ambitions, different amounts from families

Take your point about being grabby and it's something I fear coming across as.

I do appreciate @TheWolfHouse that our interpretations of what he has posted, may be different though

Don’t sign. They are basically saying ‘ you only get our money if we can gaurantee it stays in the family and you don’t walk off with half” . That’s insulting. Why would you want their money under those conditions? I wouldn’t. They’ll no doubt leave it to your kids in the end anyway. You’ll get bypassed and won’t get to benefit from the money yourself but sod em, I’d rather be poor and have my dignity. Let them spend it themselves and hopefully they’ll go on lots of cruises and you won’t be bothered by them! Do not sign.

No relationship is worth putting yourself in a detrimental position . I wouldn’t sign a post -nup. I’d sooner leave the relationship

THIS

I would definitely seek your own legal advice on approach & whether what they put in it is actually reasonable. Harder for them to bully you when you have independent advice.

Why on earth do they want you to do that? I would be very suspicious. Don’t sign anything

Prenups always scream of 'i dont trust you'

If you're feeling bullied your partner is allowing this. Do you want to be with someone who is pushed around by their parents still. I'd be running 10 miles.

will they all sign one so that they can't take your money either??

But it does make a difference if you/DP are male or female as females are much much less likely to;

• coercively control
• abandon their DC
• screw over their DP and children
• be the bigger earner with the better pension

I know I will get a lot of whataboutery about this but it’s true.

She said they are married

Maybe you could negotiate what it says, I wouldn't be signing away the right to the family home no matter who put what in, nor would I be signing away rights to pensions, but agreeing future inheritances on both sides won't go into the joint pot would be more palatable for me. You said other partners all said no last time, has anyone else agreed this time? If none of the other wives/husbands agree to sign it I wouldn't be signing it. They're unlikely to disinherit all their children if all their spouses stand firm and refuse to sign.

I'm assuming the potential inheritance to your partner and children is sizeable, hence the request. Or, that they have given their son/daughter a sizeable chunk already.
Seek legal advice - only sensible option.

Thanks for clearing that up for me! 😍

I agree with this.

It sounds like money is the be all, and end all, with this family. If his parents are so keen for you not to get your hands on any of their money when they die, then there are ways of doing this in their Will via Trusts, etc. Surely if they're that rich they will have sought financial advice and be aware of this? Therefore, all this fuss about a post nup., does sound designed to cause trouble between you, so that you divorce and they're rid of you. If your DH/DW can't see it, then I'd be inclined to divorce now and get rid of the lot of them, particularly as you say you're not interested in the money anyway.

I agree with you but not to you being sneaky!😂

This is coercion and abuse, so no wonder it's having such an impact on you! Sadly by signing your rights away, it won't stop and it very well might escalate it. Once they have effectively stripped you of assets, they will be free to "force" you out of the marriage and you won't have the resources to fight it. Even if that doesn't happen, they will see it as a victory and be meddling in your relationship in other egregious ways. They will still have the power to "disinherit" your partner and children, as long as they are alive, so will know that threatening it, will gain control over you. In the end, there may be very little to inherit as it may be needed to care for their needs as they age.

By signing it, you are agreeing that any assets jointly held aren't yours nor anything else in the future. This means that should you be the one who sacrificed earnings for caring for children, your efforts were worthless and always will be.

It's also worth pointing out that will you love your partner, it might be them who chooses to leave the marriage and leave you with nothing. It's possible that there is a plan in place, that you are unaware of and this is why they have suddenly started to pressure you into it.

There are many other ways to ensure that an inheritance goes to the person who they intend to benefit from it, that doesn't include stripping the legal rights from a married partner.

DON'T SIGN!!! The more pressure you feel, the less it is a freely entered into agreement and at a minimum, you should have legal advice before you even consider anything remotely like this.

From the history you've said, your parents in law have form for trying to manipulate and financially abuse the spouses of their children. Don't be one of their victims, whatever they threaten you with.