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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want a postnup?

152 replies

parentandpartner · 27/03/2025 10:38

DP's parents want me to sign a postnup. DP wants it too. I don't want to sign but think I have no alternative.

I feel that DP's parents are trying to bully me (through coercive control of DP) into something I do not want to do and I fear them having oversight of an area of our lives that feels like it should be private between DP and myself.

AIBU not to sign?

Do I (1) sign to get them off my back and ensure my partner and our children are protected financially in the future and accept it's just a piece of paper and hopefully will never be needed or (2) leave the marriage to get free of the controlling nature of DP's family (and similarly ensure their financial security) or (3) continue to refuse to sign and as such mean my DP and our children are cut off?

(2) and (3) feel unthinkable so my question is: AIBU and do I just have to sign and try and move on with our lives? It's just money after all. And I was the wealthy one I can imagine feeling a desire to protect what I had earned.

For me it is about the principle (not giving in to bullies) and the feeling (it feels like abuse) - I don't mind about the money and would not want it if we split as I would want nothing to do with DP's family. But the consequences of not signing are major for DP and our children.

OP posts:
KickAssAngel · 27/03/2025 17:19

There are several different issues here, and you can't resolve them all.

Focus on what you CAN resolve - you & DP, and what the two of you want.

It sounds like neither of you would have any kind of nuptial agreement, but the pressure from your in-laws is so intense that DP is caving. So - the two of you, can you agree to either cave together or stand together, and see it that way?

If you cave - can you also draw up a document, that the in laws know nothing about, saying that you have only signed it to appease them, it's been done under duress, and that if you split you would each like to see the other fairly housed, the children well cared for etc.
Try to have the kind of conversation where the two of you can agree some broad principles about how you'd like things to be, e.g. children well cared for and how much time they spend with each parent, the kind of housing each parent has so that the children can be happy when with each parent. Agree that you're doing this to offset the pressure from in-laws, not because you want to split. It should be a positive discussion about how you value the input of one another, not the financial worth, and don't put numbers on things - more the agreed thoughts such as each parent should have a decent home to live in with enough space for kids to be there comfortably (assuming there's enough joint finances). Start the conversation with positive statements about how you both contribute and want to acknowledge that.
If you can't agree broad principles, then that's a much bigger problem, and the conversations will not be happy ones.

MrsCarson · 27/03/2025 17:29

I'd take it to my own solicitor and have them read it and tell me what they think and what they recommend

DelphiniumBlue · 27/03/2025 17:38

This is all nonsense. If the family want to keep their assets away from you, they could set up a trust, no "post-nup" is necessary. That would take care of their assets, and not affect your home and savings with DP, assuming you are actually married. They are playing games with you.

ScruffGin · 27/03/2025 17:39

I'd sign it with no legal advice whatsoever. Then it's invalid anyway, but they're happy...

MimiSunshine · 27/03/2025 17:40

I would simple say that DP and the parents are welcome to put forward a proposed agreement but you’ll be taking it to a solicitor and then will come back to them with any revisions as obviously the agreement needs to be fair to both if you.

then don’t entertain any further discussion on it and wait for them to make the next move.
dont allow yourself to be bullied or manipulated into signing anything without a solicitor

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 27/03/2025 17:43

@parentandpartner If you sign the postnup and then subsequently divorce, and as a result you walk away with very little, what would that mean in terms of your ability to house yourself and your children?

Have you taken time out of your career to be a SAHP?

I'd be worried that you would be left very financially vulnerable, not compensated for any unpaid labour you have done for the benefit of the family, and unable to be the resident parent for your children because you wouldn't be able to house them. Would your partner become the resident parent by default because they'd get to keep the family home?

Longtimelurkerfinallyposts · 27/03/2025 17:52

If they want their grandchildren to 'be protected' - i.e. inherit their wealth if/when they die - and not have it go to you - why don't they just write their wills accordingly?

Maybe they should just do this for all their grandchildren, bypassing their children and partners? Your spouse and all of their siblings could collectively suggest this as a solution that their parents can agree to. Obviously if they die while the grandchildren are still children, the money would be held in trust for them.

LilyOfTheValleySoon · 27/03/2025 18:09

I have to say I’m as baffled as other posters.
If they want to protect their grand chikdren, they should give the money to them.
They can use trusts too to protect said inheritance and money too.
But more to the point, once they’re dead, who is stopping to cancel the post nup agreement? And what’s the use of it before if it’s to protect the inheritance they’ll leave to your DP?

Money your DP has already received from inheritance - they have no saying on it as it wasn’t theirs in the first place (I assume it was from grand parents?).

I feel that the whole push isn’t about future inheritance. It’s about the fact your DP never ring fenced the money out in your house. It’s about the fa t Theyre resenting the fact gifts to your DP are also gifts to you.

Theyre also pushing THEIR way of doing things (probably because it gives them a feeling of control over the future too). And you seem to accept it’s the only way.

So the way I’d be dealing with it is to contact a lawyer and assert what other ways they are to protect inheritance if they want to.
Get clear legal advice of previous inheritance used to buy the house of not ring fenced. Incl whether there is any point writing a post nup around that. Because let’s be honest, you actually have no idea if their proposal even have a leg to stand in legally.

Then I’d propose them a solution that works for BOTH of you and might be enough to pacify them if that’s what you want.

I’d also advise you, and especially your DP, to have counselling. These people seem to be very controlling and you’ll need tools to deal with them in the long run. Because as you said, it’s just a continuation of what happened with the ore nup and is likeky to carry on.

I have to say I’m also interested to see if they’ve put similar pressure on the ither sibling(s) fur a post nup, the same way they’ve done with the pre nup. If everyone says No to a post nup, it would be easier to refuse too,

spinningplates2024 · 27/03/2025 18:21

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 27/03/2025 17:06

You can't enter into either a pre or postnup without independent legal advice. It's a condition of it being upheld in court that the less financially well off party has been properly advised.

Show quote history

So if you sign it without this it might be the best option as then it has no value and you can’t be held to it.

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 27/03/2025 18:57

I would sign it as long as, if I was caring for children/household, this was reflected in my pension/savings/house share entitlement. I'd not leave myself skint and vulnerable x

User79853257976 · 27/03/2025 19:01

You’ve confused everyone by saying ‘partner’ when you are married.

UndermyShoeJoe · 27/03/2025 19:02

If entered under duress or without your own legal council it won’t be legal anyway. So id sign but make sure I had proof I felt forced too for worst case purposes.

Original poster
parentandpartner · 27/03/2025 19:41

Thank you everyone to the time and thought. I clearly need some legal advice!

I just want to apologise and explain to all those who have found my use of DP annoying. I am using it to help ensure our family's anonymity, and because I didn't want my or their gender to impact on how people responded to the situation; but yes as previously stated we are married. Sorry to those it has confused or irritated.

Thank you everyone for your thoughts and advice from all angles.

OP posts:
glitterturd · 27/03/2025 21:12

spinningplates2024 · 27/03/2025 18:21

So if you sign it without this it might be the best option as then it has no value and you can’t be held to it.

Show quote history

There's a bit on the form where it has to noted by the solicitor consulted. It can't go through without it.

glitterturd · 27/03/2025 21:15

HouseCaptain · 27/03/2025 16:44

You need to document and evidence the coercion they are using - if you sign the
postnup but demonstrate that you were bullied into signing it’s worthless I think.

This is fantasy. It's not how they work legally.

FinallyHere · 27/03/2025 21:33

The key issue here is that you suspect your ‘DP’ is not on the same page as you are on this.

my guess on the gender vagueness is that you are a same sex family and that the children are not genetically linked to your DP.

by all means get real legal advice so that you understand what is, and what is not, enforceable in law.

and ask for a proposal so you get some idea of their intentions re the ‘agreement’.

but ultimately, it’s between you and DP. Work out where you are as a couple and take it from there.

good luck.

GiveDogBone · 28/03/2025 17:54

There’s nothing wrong with signing a post nup that is fair. It can certainly save a lot of stress and money if you were to get divorced.

The risk here is that it isn’t fair. Whatever the case, both you and your husband need independent (from each other) legal advice, and you both need to fully disclose all assets and liabilities. If that isn’t the case one or both of you can challenge it if the time comes.

Panterusblackish · 28/03/2025 18:12

Starlight1984 · 27/03/2025 11:13

Yet another post where if the roles were reversed and a woman was saying she wanted to get married but had her own property, assets etc everyone would be telling her not to do it or to protect herself with a pre / post nup!!!

Oh not this a-fucking-gain.

There is no equivalence if the roles are reversed. Women are the ones who need more protection in a marriage because they usually have the kids, take the career hit and the pension hit, so there's not point saying what if it was the other way round. It's women who get left holding the baby when the men fuck off amd don't pay child support

Besides, man or woman of course no one should sign a post nup that disadvantages them and robs them of existing marital assets

mindutopia · 28/03/2025 18:22

Absolutely not. You are married and when you married, legally and financially, you both made the choice to throw your lot together.

Dh and I have both come into large (6 figure) amounts of money since we married, him from business deals, me from inheritance. No way we’d be ringfencing this from the other. We definitely are very much each having our own money sorts of people, but the bigger picture is that, we decided to legally bind ourselves to the other back when we were too skint to afford to buy a sofa or a mattress when we moved in together. And that’s how it will stay.

If my family insisted on such bonkers shit, I’d be telling them where to shove their inheritance. I have been disinherited, to the tune of probably over £1 million, because I wouldn’t bow down to my family (not because of my Dh, they definitely like him more than me! 😂), but because I refused to take their shit anymore. I would always rather stand by my principles than get some money.

I’d be pretty upset if dh didn’t stand by me and do the same. If he didn’t tell them to bugger right off with their postnup, well, that would be me done, though he’d have to divorce me because I wouldn’t be budging.

TheRubyPoet · 28/03/2025 18:30

Id refuse to sign

SinicalMe · 28/03/2025 18:39

@parentandpartner why are you saying dp if you’re married? It makes it a lot more confusing as a partner has different rights than a spouse.

Just be upfront and say dh or dw. Makes replying so much easier.

caringcarer · 28/03/2025 18:47

If your marriage is on the rocks and his family are bullying you to sign I'd tell DP he either shuts his family up or we divorce because I've had enough. Let him decide if he loves you enough to stop his family bullying you or not.

beetr00 · 28/03/2025 19:02

@caringcarer unsure if you've read the full thread.

The OP is male, he had an affair?

the marital home was inherited by his wife (he wants his share should they split)

His wife's parents are trying to protect any future inheritance for both his wife and their grandchildren.

ClairDeLaLune · 28/03/2025 19:22

Flipside some of the things that currently are treated as joint (whether legally the case or not) like where we live and savings we have would become solely DP's.

In that case tell them to fuck right off. Why should you lose all your rights? Not a chance I would sign that. Tell them to stick their inheritance up their tight arses.

Vynalbob · 28/03/2025 19:27

Never heard of this but if it helps I find 2 reasons why even after signing it it wouldn't be classed as legal...

  1. If you can prove coercion.
  2. If you can prove you hadn't had full disclosure.
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