AIBU to not want a postnup?

[parentandpartner]

DP's parents want me to sign a postnup. DP wants it too. I don't want to sign but think I have no alternative.

I feel that DP's parents are trying to bully me (through coercive control of DP) into something I do not want to do and I fear them having oversight of an area of our lives that feels like it should be private between DP and myself.

AIBU not to sign?

Do I (1) sign to get them off my back and ensure my partner and our children are protected financially in the future and accept it's just a piece of paper and hopefully will never be needed or (2) leave the marriage to get free of the controlling nature of DP's family (and similarly ensure their financial security) or (3) continue to refuse to sign and as such mean my DP and our children are cut off?

(2) and (3) feel unthinkable so my question is: AIBU and do I just have to sign and try and move on with our lives? It's just money after all. And I was the wealthy one I can imagine feeling a desire to protect what I had earned.

For me it is about the principle (not giving in to bullies) and the feeling (it feels like abuse) - I don't mind about the money and would not want it if we split as I would want nothing to do with DP's family. But the consequences of not signing are major for DP and our children.

@parentandpartner You are being faux surprised at the fact that people assume your partner is a man. Come off it. And what’s the big deal? Say your partner is a woman if that’s the case. Anyway, you can’t be that bothered about this financial issue if that’s the thing you keep being “ super” surprised about

@parentandpartner it’s a lot clearer to just say DW if you are married to a woman!! I’d either go to couples counselling or seek legal advice( or both) you don’t want to leave yourself at a financial disadvantage if the worst did happen. They may well just be practical and realistic people who wish to optimise their own child and grandchild’s future but sometimes things like this from an in law are actually controlling behaviour or papering over their distrust/ dislike for their son/ DIL.

I would have no problem in signing away all entitlement to my spouses' inherited assets.(But I would enjoy staying in an inherited house and living with him.)
Seek your own legal advice and interpretation of the postnup.

I would expect that all earnings while married would be counted as jointly obtained - if I were the SAHP or working elsewhere.

Use the information gleaned about your financial situation to generate a discussion with DH about wealth creation and stability for you all. For example..to save up for a deposit for an investment house for you to have in the event of DH dying or you divorcing.

some of the things that currently are treated as joint (whether legally the case or not) like where we live and savings we have would become solely DP's.

I'm not sure I quite get this. They want you to sign joint savings and house over to your partner?

Money isn't everything, if they are using it to control DP and you, wouldn't everyone be better off of they did cut you off? I wouldn't sign the postnup becuase (presumably) it might also cover assets that are DH's and not only money that comes from them.

We were NC with DH's parents which means he and DC don't expect to inherit anything, but the last 25 years have been much better for it.

You have to get a lawyer to look the pre nup over for you or it won't be legal.

Can you clarify @parentandpartneras it's all very vague?

Surely any postnup would cover any inheritance from his parents. Not the assets that you have as a married couple that you have built up during your marriage.
if I was even thinking of signing I would only sign with relation to any inheritance from them. Nothing else

His wife/partner inherited the house - Someone posted this further up thread.

The devil is in the details.

the right postnup should not just protect your DH. It would acknowledge that his parents want to protect any inheritance they might leave him. It would also specify large portions of your current joint assets going to you in the event of a separation. It might include things like even if you don’t fully inherit your joint house upon his death, you have the right to remain until your death. I might also want a cut of the inheritance depending on circumstances, but not 50%.

Basically, I would be willing to negotiate. My DH’s parents would be paying for me to hire a top notch solicitor of my own to represent my interests if they wanted my cooperation.

Don't sign it.

Tell him if he wants to divorce over it, then to just say so and you'll get a solicitor immediately. Otherwise, you are refusing to have this conversation any longer, especially with his parents who need to back the fuck off your marriage.

By signing this, you are making yourself very vulnerable and giving the in laws far too much control.

I'd call their bluff. If they disinherit him then DP didn't really need them in their life anyway.

OP, while you don’t need to reveal who is male/female, it would be useful to know the answers to childcare questions.

From my perspective, pre or post nups are fair enough if nobody has sacrificed their career/earnings for the sake of bringing up children of the partnership generally. Legally, however, you have rights even in this circumstance, which you don’t need to give up.

if, on the other hand, you have sacrificed on behalf of your family, then that should only be done on the understanding that you are a team and all money coming in is joint money. I would never sign a post nup without that being massively factored in.

you seem to think you have to sign whatever they present to you. But contracts are negotiations. You should have your own lawyer, and can ask for whatever you want. Including guaranteed protection for kids, and payouts. Post nups don’t have to be as simple as ‘I’ll take nothing”. More realistically, they do involve pay outs, just not anything like half of major wealth inheritances etc… So work out what would feel fair and acceptable to you and go from there.

You've posted 4 times and in 2 of them you've mentioned the assumptions about your sexes.

Do feel free to clarify.

Would your DP (whom you are married to but you don't say DH or DW) actually be prepared to be disinherited?

This! ^^

You can put a monetary value on childcare/household responsibilities by calculating what it would cost to outsource those roles - nanny, cleaner, gardener, cook etc.

Have they issued similar postnup agreements to their other DC's partners? If you and your DP are in agreement and it would mean a calm and happy life I might just sign it. But it's unlikely to stop their interference and bullying, sadly. They can also rewrite or modify wills at any time so I'm not sure you will ever guarantee financial protection for your DC.

You need to document and evidence the coercion they are using - if you sign the
postnup but demonstrate that you were bullied into signing it’s worthless I think.

If your spouse's parents wish to protect any inheritance going to their grandchildren, can they not put the money into trusts specifically for the named grandchildren? If the amount of money is so significant it's likely to lead to divorce or disinheritance, then they need to explore other options before making threats.

I'd never sign anything like this without speaking with a lawyer- marriage is a legal contract in itself.

It won’t solve your problem - that’s the fundamental problem here. I could have written your original post. DH’s parents are controlling and abusive. They have already threatened to disinherit him because I am “a gold digger” despite working 60 hours a week and earning double what he does 🤷🏻‍♀️ Despite our happy marriage 🤷🏻‍♀️ So in response, I offered to sign a postnup, but guess what - that won’t satisfy them. It’s about control and causing disharmony in your marriage. Get a postnup that suits you and then leave.

What's the point of getting a postnup and then leaving?

You can't enter into either a pre or postnup without independent legal advice. It's a condition of it being upheld in court that the less financially well off party has been properly advised.

Postnup is weird.
I do think prenup needd to be a pre/requisite tho’.

He's used to male being the default and can't get his head around that not being the case here.

At the crux of this is your DP not wanting to lose their inheritance. It is up to them to sort their parents out and seeing as this isn’t going away I imagine they too have concerns.

If you have children I would work hard on teaching them that money isn’t the primary goal in life and teach them how to have respectful and healthy relationships.

If your in-laws are this insistence then say you are happy to get your solicitor to look it over for their opinion and also ask when the other in laws will be signing theirs.

If it's genuinely driven by the parents then I assume it would cover anything he inherited from them. But that's simplistic, say he inherited 1 million and you used that and some of your existing assets to buy a home then how would the house be dealt with if you split up ? Also you can't just ignore the money he would receive. Say your combined assets are1 million, you split up , if you receive £500 k is that fair ? Usually a court would take it all into account. I really think you need legal advice. You could perhaps do something along the lines of any assets he inherits are his but are also offset against his share in a divorce...
Or you might just want to suggest that the parents bypass your husband and leave everything to your children which would be a lot less complicated...