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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

how to please DIL

143 replies

miserablemo · 26/03/2025 10:18

i am at a loss as to how to please my future DIL. she is unhappy that we went away on holiday in March because it meant they didn't have childcare for 14 month old, as her parents were also away, and she/they (because SS also joined in with this) would have to take time off work, and, this is the best bit.. 'we can't do (insert social activity here) as you are away'

when baby was born, we set up a little bank account, and explained too SS and his partner that we would put a little amount in each month, and on occasions like, birthdays, holidays like easter etc, rather than spend a fortune on gifts, we would put a larger amount into the account and we would give a 'token gift'. we asked what was wanted for birthday and was told to buy such and such, which totalled about £50, and then we deposited another £50 into the bank account which i thinks is perfectly acceptable. DIL is now moaning that we didn't get the baby much???

apparently its our fault they are not available in April for a visit as DIL is away every, yes, every weekend in april and again bemoaning that they do not have childcare and that SS is now having to take leave from his job?

i genuinely want to know, what can i do, or what is to be done to please your DIL? and SS, i won't say he is totally blameless.. all i want is a happy, calm relationship, and to have a relationship with these people and their child and it just seems to be so much hard work.

(the holiday in march was booked last year, well before the baby was born) and we assumed at this point the baby would be going to nursery, but apparently, even though he has now free hours? she doesn't want him in nursery?

OP posts:
Stressfordays · 26/03/2025 10:23

My Mum helps me loads with my DC as I'm a lone parent and I think they are being really unreasonable. My mum has booked a holiday in June, so I've booked off the same week. No issues at all. She wants to do something, I get a sitter or book it off work. If you care for the baby while they work, that's fantastic and should be enough. If they've had plenty of notice of your holiday, then they should have sorted that out way before.

As for going away every weekend, that really isn't feasible as parents of a young child anyway! They need to realise it's not you who is the issue here. If I want to go away, I clear it with my Mum way before I book and ensure she is happy with it. You are doing nothing wrong and they need to realise it's a privilege to have you help, not expected.

MattCauthon · 26/03/2025 10:27

You can't have a good relationship with someone who is irrational. And your SS isn't helping. If my DH complained to me because my mother wasn't aroudn to do childcare becuase of a long-awaited trip, I'd laugh in his face. But he wouldn't. Because he understands.

the only time I have sympathy for the DS/DIL in this situation is when the MIL has said she desperately WANTS to do childcre, begs for it etc and then announceds two days before that she's getting her hair done so can't do this week or is off for 6 weeks on a cruise next month.

Octavia64 · 26/03/2025 10:30

No comment on the childcare situation, but children don’t appreciate money they appreciate gifts.

my FIL wanted to stop doing family gifts altogether at Christmas when my kids were about 4. It made sense from an adult perspective but my 4 year olds would have been devastated not to get presents from family.

maybe reconsider on the token gifts?

WhatNoRaisins · 26/03/2025 10:32

With the childcare I think it's only unreasonable when the grandparents get all excited and promise the earth in terms of childcare and then back out after realising it's to hard for them. I don't blame parents for feeling hard done by then. If you've made no promises then that's fine, you should be living your own life. It sounds like they need to suck up childcare costs.

The gift thing makes them sound very grabby.

I think all you can do is calmly explain your position on these things. If they are grabby and irrational then you can't change it.

toomuchfaff · 26/03/2025 10:34

DIL needs to realise it was their choice to have a baby, and its their responsibility to care for it, not yours. A grandparent isnt free childcare, you have a life, and its not at their behest.

I'd be tempted to withdraw all childcare for a period of time to get this message across.

But as someone mentioned above, you can't reason with unreasonable. Prepare to not have a good relationship with this person, they seem very entitled, and if you DS doesn't bring his wife in line with what isnt your responsibility, then it's down to you.

OhCobblers · 26/03/2025 10:34

Stop being walked over is my suggestion. You are not beholden to them. You haven’t committed to regular childcare from what I can see? You go where you like when you like. They sort out childcare.
I agree about presents being preferable from a child’s point of view but £50 in gifts is still kind? £ into an account is also v generous. You’ve got 2 cheeky fuckers there!

myplace · 26/03/2025 10:37

Octavia64 · 26/03/2025 10:30

No comment on the childcare situation, but children don’t appreciate money they appreciate gifts.

my FIL wanted to stop doing family gifts altogether at Christmas when my kids were about 4. It made sense from an adult perspective but my 4 year olds would have been devastated not to get presents from family.

maybe reconsider on the token gifts?

A £50 gift is hardly token.
And the way money accumulates when a grandparent is as kind as OP is really meaningful when they are older. My DC have really had a boost as a result of their grandparents’ generosity.

QuickPeachPoet · 26/03/2025 10:37

What a brat! Your son chose well ehh?

hydriotaphia · 26/03/2025 10:40

On the holiday, while obviously you can take a holiday, I think whether it put them in difficulty depends what commitments you agreed to re childcare. If you have a regular childcare slot or have offered to step in for childcare when your DIL's parents are away then I do think that it may have put them in a difficult position. If you're not happy doing childcare obviously that's fine but it needs to be made clear.

It may seem to you like they are being unreasonable not to put the baby in nursery, but the fact is that nursery is really expensive and there are also long waiting lists in some areas. It may not be possible for them at the moment.

On gifts for the baby - yes it was rude of her to complain.

On her being away in April - why shouldn't she do things at the weekends? Are you suggesting that it is not true that your stepson needs to take leave? Sounds like they just are too busy to see you that month, YABU to complain about that.

Since you say you genuinely want to know what to do to improve relationship DIL I would say try to be more forgiving rather than taking offence at everything. I don't think that means you have to agree to demands you think are unreasonable, but I do think you could just try to let go your resentment.

I also wonder why you and DIL are seemingly brokering your relationship with the baby. Why not let your husband and stepson take the lead. Sounds like you dislike her a lot and she may have picked up on this.

skippy67 · 26/03/2025 10:46

Octavia64 · 26/03/2025 10:30

No comment on the childcare situation, but children don’t appreciate money they appreciate gifts.

my FIL wanted to stop doing family gifts altogether at Christmas when my kids were about 4. It made sense from an adult perspective but my 4 year olds would have been devastated not to get presents from family.

maybe reconsider on the token gifts?

OP bought £50 gift AND deposited £50 into the back account set up for the child. So your point doesn't really stand.

skippy67 · 26/03/2025 10:50

hydriotaphia · 26/03/2025 10:40

On the holiday, while obviously you can take a holiday, I think whether it put them in difficulty depends what commitments you agreed to re childcare. If you have a regular childcare slot or have offered to step in for childcare when your DIL's parents are away then I do think that it may have put them in a difficult position. If you're not happy doing childcare obviously that's fine but it needs to be made clear.

It may seem to you like they are being unreasonable not to put the baby in nursery, but the fact is that nursery is really expensive and there are also long waiting lists in some areas. It may not be possible for them at the moment.

On gifts for the baby - yes it was rude of her to complain.

On her being away in April - why shouldn't she do things at the weekends? Are you suggesting that it is not true that your stepson needs to take leave? Sounds like they just are too busy to see you that month, YABU to complain about that.

Since you say you genuinely want to know what to do to improve relationship DIL I would say try to be more forgiving rather than taking offence at everything. I don't think that means you have to agree to demands you think are unreasonable, but I do think you could just try to let go your resentment.

I also wonder why you and DIL are seemingly brokering your relationship with the baby. Why not let your husband and stepson take the lead. Sounds like you dislike her a lot and she may have picked up on this.

The OP booked the holiday A YEAR AGO! Should she have asked if there was a baby in the offing before doing so? DiL would've loved that I'm sure...

simpledeer · 26/03/2025 10:50

Why is the communication between the two people who aren’t related?

I am guessing it’s because they are women? So infuriating.

Tell DH he can deal with his DS and any childcare arrangements. Just drop the rope. If DIL contacts you, say “you’d better ask Tom”

Aggieaggieaggie · 26/03/2025 10:55

I wonder if the DIL is jealous / upset over something else but is overreacting on the small stuff instead. She may or may not be aware.

I had PND and looking back I was probably seen as snippy and difficult. It wasn’t intentional.

Comms should be between DH and SS - I think!

RaininSummer · 26/03/2025 10:58

Your DS and DIL seem massively entitled and rude. 100 as gift with 50 into savings is loads I think. I wouldnt go out of my way to help them any more with such ingratitude and expectations.

Ellie1015 · 26/03/2025 11:05

They are rude. I would keep up childcare for access to grandchild if it suits but dont try to appease dil about gifts or holidays. You have been very generous with childcare and gifts.

caramac04 · 26/03/2025 11:07

Octavia64 · 26/03/2025 10:30

No comment on the childcare situation, but children don’t appreciate money they appreciate gifts.

my FIL wanted to stop doing family gifts altogether at Christmas when my kids were about 4. It made sense from an adult perspective but my 4 year olds would have been devastated not to get presents from family.

maybe reconsider on the token gifts?

Yes but £50 gift isn’t a token gift imo

Wannabedisneyprincess · 26/03/2025 11:08

myplace · 26/03/2025 10:37

A £50 gift is hardly token.
And the way money accumulates when a grandparent is as kind as OP is really meaningful when they are older. My DC have really had a boost as a result of their grandparents’ generosity.

Show quote history

Agreed my kids get enough toys at birthdays and Christmas, if grandparents want to get a smaller gift and put money in an account it’s a win in my book

Idontjetwashthefucker · 26/03/2025 11:08

They sound awfully entitled and grabby and if it was me, I'd stop doing anything for them and leave any communication to his father.

Paganpentacle · 26/03/2025 11:12

Did you agree to any specific days childcare?

If not... who the actual fook does she think she is?
Are you not allowed to have a life because she/they decided to have a baby?
Entitled much.

3peassuit · 26/03/2025 11:13

Don’t deal with dil, speak to your ss or better still get your DH to. Stop doing the wife work.

Sugargliderwombat · 26/03/2025 11:14

I think you need to just drop the rope with stuff like this, just don't engage with moans about the gifts or complaints about childcare. Just reply with generic 'oh that's a shame' and move on.

Beamur · 26/03/2025 11:15

I'd step back from communicating here - your DH should take the lead.
I think you're in for a rough ride Tbh.
Be clear about what childcare you can offer and give them notice if you're going on holiday.
They really shouldn't be complaining about stepping up to look after their own kids. Or presents - that's pretty rude.
Are you making demands on their time too though? It's not clear if you look after the child during the week?
If so, are you also expecting to see them at weekends? That's a bit much. They have other friends and family and need time as their own family unit.

ShanghaiDiva · 26/03/2025 11:22

Octavia64 · 26/03/2025 10:30

No comment on the childcare situation, but children don’t appreciate money they appreciate gifts.

my FIL wanted to stop doing family gifts altogether at Christmas when my kids were about 4. It made sense from an adult perspective but my 4 year olds would have been devastated not to get presents from family.

maybe reconsider on the token gifts?

op is giving token gifts and imo a gift spend of £50;is hardly a token amount. Young children have no idea how much anything costs be it a £10 book or £30 toy. The dil is the one emphasising the value, the child would have had no idea.

Loubylie · 26/03/2025 11:25

simpledeer · 26/03/2025 10:50

Why is the communication between the two people who aren’t related?

I am guessing it’s because they are women? So infuriating.

Tell DH he can deal with his DS and any childcare arrangements. Just drop the rope. If DIL contacts you, say “you’d better ask Tom”

This.

ShanghaiDiva · 26/03/2025 11:28

If you choose to have children then it’s your responsibility to sort childcare, whether that’s nursery or grandparents helping out. I think your dil and ss need to better understand that they are fortunate to have unpaid help and need to plan accordingly when gps are not available. Many parents have to use their annual leave to cover a child’s illness, school holiday. I agree with pp let your dh and his son manage future arrangements.