how to please DIL

[miserablemo]

i am at a loss as to how to please my future DIL. she is unhappy that we went away on holiday in March because it meant they didn't have childcare for 14 month old, as her parents were also away, and she/they (because SS also joined in with this) would have to take time off work, and, this is the best bit.. 'we can't do (insert social activity here) as you are away'

when baby was born, we set up a little bank account, and explained too SS and his partner that we would put a little amount in each month, and on occasions like, birthdays, holidays like easter etc, rather than spend a fortune on gifts, we would put a larger amount into the account and we would give a 'token gift'. we asked what was wanted for birthday and was told to buy such and such, which totalled about £50, and then we deposited another £50 into the bank account which i thinks is perfectly acceptable. DIL is now moaning that we didn't get the baby much???

apparently its our fault they are not available in April for a visit as DIL is away every, yes, every weekend in april and again bemoaning that they do not have childcare and that SS is now having to take leave from his job?

i genuinely want to know, what can i do, or what is to be done to please your DIL? and SS, i won't say he is totally blameless.. all i want is a happy, calm relationship, and to have a relationship with these people and their child and it just seems to be so much hard work.

(the holiday in march was booked last year, well before the baby was born) and we assumed at this point the baby would be going to nursery, but apparently, even though he has now free hours? she doesn't want him in nursery?

Your DIL is rude and entitled and your SS is sitting idyll by watch it. They aren't entitled to childcare or gifts. I don't actually remember any gifts I've ever received from my grandparents but I do remember the day trips.

Your dil is biting the hand that feeds her. We have dgs for 2 days and 1 night per week (he’s just turned 2). When we go on holiday either my dd or dsil take annual leave. No way would they create over us going on holidays.
And put your dgc savings into an account they can’t see.

Really? At 4 neither of my kids would have really noticed (assuming no presents were being swapped in front of them without them getting one!) and it would have been easy to prepare them that they wouldn't be getting everything from us / Santa and no extras. Particularly as that meant getting everything earlier!

Even now my teenagers wouldn't really care and don't seem to keep track of how much is spent on them by family.

Yes and the child is 14 months old, they won’t have a clue how much a gift cost, you could buy something for £3 and a 14 month old child would be happy. I bought my DNphws colouring books and crayons for their 2nd birthdays and wooden jigsaw each from home bargains, they were over the moon with them. It’s not the children who understand cost it’s the parents. By the time they understand the value of money they will understand they have X amount in a bank account from their GPs and be ecstatic, well as long as they don’t take after their parents.

DIL sounds very selfish and grabby, I wouldn’t even bother going forward and just let your DH deal with them.

Your DIL clearly doesn't understand the concept that this is her child and her responsibility! She sounds like a spoilt brat, and very grabby.

Drop the rope and pay her no further attention for now. It doesn't stop you from sending birthday cards with some money in for your grandchild and/or paying directly into his bank account.

Leave the communication to your DH and your SS for now. Are they aware of how rude and entitled DIL is being? Make sure they are.

She sounds like one of those people who think that the world, and particularly the grandparents, owes her a living because she has given birth. It doesn't, and you don't.

I'm sure you want to know your grandchild, and you sound very kind, but you are entitled to a life too, and your holidays, which I hope you enjoy. 😃

Honestly, there is no pleasing them so I would stop trying. Also sounds like something your husband should be sorting with his son.

Your DIL is a cheeky fucker isn't she?

I would take a complete step back from any childcare and any gifts and I'd be telling her / them why.

My MIL and FIL have provided us with childcare when the DC were smaller and my gratitude to them is endless. We'd cover as much of the school holidays as we could so they just had to do after school pickups. We'd buy a food shop for them every week, and we'd tell them to always, always, always put their own lives first and never make plans based on looking after the kids.

I cannot believe people are actually this entitled!

She sounds outrageously entitled and grabby. I think you need to start doing less for her and your DS, not more. DIL doesn't sound at all grateful for your generosity.

she is unhappy that we went away on holiday in March

DIL is now moaning that we didn't get the baby much???

apparently its our fault they are not available in April for a visit as DIL is away every, yes, every weekend in april and again bemoaning that they do not have childcare and that SS is now having to take leave from his job?

How do you know DIL is unhappy with you, is she telling you or is SS the one telling you they are unhappy & what has one got to do with the other (not being able to visit weekends & not having childcare?)

(the holiday in march was booked last year, well before the baby was born) and we assumed at this point the baby would be going to nursery, but apparently, even though he has now free hours? she doesn't want him in nursery?

It was wrong of you to assume anything to be honest, it's not relevant, neither is it your place to question their decision to put child in nursery, absolutely nothing to do with you. But, what has your assumption got to do with the fact that they are annoyed about lack of childcare, did you not tell them about the holiday because you assumed they would have childcare covered.

It sounds like her parents do regular childcare, but they are away that week and they assumed you would be available because they didn't know about your holiday?.. so they've had to sort themselves out last minute instead?

It actually sounds to me like you don't do ANY regular childcare for them, but the times they have asked you to do it you've always got a reason why you can't do it? It can be frustrating if you've offered to do it but the don't ever step up when they need help.. had you offered to help with childcare?

Why are you looking after their kid, did you want to or did they persuade you? The kid isn't even your grandkid if they're your stepsons kid. Why can't your husband, stepsons mother or her parents help out or better yet they can get paid childcare.

She did get a gift, and spent £50 on it, so hardly a 'token' amount in my book.

I don't think OP is doing any childcare.. there's nothing in her post about them actually doing any?

how to please DIL?

The simple answer is you can't.
You just have to do what you think is right and let her react however she's going to react.

Me too.

Why is she annoyed with you and not her own parents? They were away too. As upthread, they've weaponised the baby. You need to nip this behaviour in the bud as it will only get worse when they need childcare in the school holidays.

I don’t think that a £50 gift is a token gift at all? So maybe OP should just stop putting the money away??

Next time she says "jump" you say "how high". They don't appreciate you and want to cause you trouble. Did you get on with your SS?

Find the humour in her blatant cheekiness. I would say “that is parenting I’m afraid” when they have to take time off, and laugh and the nonsense of it.
she is irrational and bit mad, so you can’t reason with her or SS by the sound of it.

There was some proposed/presumed childcare though. That's why the DIL was outraged about OP's long pre-booked holiday.

They won’t when they’re older and get the money.

The OP did say they bought a token gift then put more in the bank.

Seems an odd stance for them to take.
Even the people I know who's parents provide regular childcare have to manage the contingencies of holidays/illnesses themselves.
I think you need to talk to your son about their expectations.

I thought she was. Maybe i misread.

Maybe she doesn't need you to solve the situation here, she just needs you to hear her moans and sympathise.

Is what world is the OP being unreasonable??

I would do nothing. If they want to be petty and miserable complaining about everything is their choice.