how to please DIL

[miserablemo]

i am at a loss as to how to please my future DIL. she is unhappy that we went away on holiday in March because it meant they didn't have childcare for 14 month old, as her parents were also away, and she/they (because SS also joined in with this) would have to take time off work, and, this is the best bit.. 'we can't do (insert social activity here) as you are away'

when baby was born, we set up a little bank account, and explained too SS and his partner that we would put a little amount in each month, and on occasions like, birthdays, holidays like easter etc, rather than spend a fortune on gifts, we would put a larger amount into the account and we would give a 'token gift'. we asked what was wanted for birthday and was told to buy such and such, which totalled about £50, and then we deposited another £50 into the bank account which i thinks is perfectly acceptable. DIL is now moaning that we didn't get the baby much???

apparently its our fault they are not available in April for a visit as DIL is away every, yes, every weekend in april and again bemoaning that they do not have childcare and that SS is now having to take leave from his job?

i genuinely want to know, what can i do, or what is to be done to please your DIL? and SS, i won't say he is totally blameless.. all i want is a happy, calm relationship, and to have a relationship with these people and their child and it just seems to be so much hard work.

(the holiday in march was booked last year, well before the baby was born) and we assumed at this point the baby would be going to nursery, but apparently, even though he has now free hours? she doesn't want him in nursery?

we were expected to travel an hour, collect child, drive home and then return the child the following day.. that 4 hours of travelling every weekend and we were exhausted!

Further evidence, if it were needed, of their entitlement. If they want you to look after the baby then they should be the ones doing the travelling. You are doing nothing wrong OP, whatever they try to guilt you into feeling.

What does your husband have to say about this? Does he agree that they ask for far to much and are rude about it, or does he ignore it/try to pretend it's not happening? And what is he doing about it?

It's always unreasonable for someone to assume that because they chose to have a baby, other people's lives must now change to fit their wants for care as well. You are doing nothing wrong. You haven't even committed to regular childcare. Enjoy your holiday and let your SS and DIL sort out care for their child. Like you no doubt had to do with your own children.

Your updates don't paint your SS and DIL in a good light!
I don't think you're doing anything wrong but DD and DIL are very different people.
Unless you're willing to give up all your spare time and shower this baby with expensive gifts you'll be falling short...

They both sound like arrogant thoughtless people .

I think with some people nothing you do will ever be good enough so you need to just accept it and stop trying. Do what you're willing and able to and no more.

I am in a no win situation, SS wants us to provide the same level of 'support' for want of a better word that her parents give. he does appear to be very materialistic, and this is a trait he had prior to baby coming. I feel like when they, because they are both guilty of listing the gifts that her parents have provided, they are either trying to make us jealous and up our game, or just don't realise how what they are saying is coming across.

We try our best, it just never seems good enough and we simply cannot compete with both money and time.

I take onboard most peoples comments, I am happy being 'the other grandparents' and we do what we can when we can

The expectations are unreasonable. You don't want to or don't have the capacity to keep up with her parents. It's your time and your money and you use it how you want to. They are very entitled. Your capacity might change over time as well. My parents provided care for both of my brothers. They had both DN at least 3 days a week for several years. 1 child for several years and then next child for several years. When I had my kids they my parents were older, not fit for it and wouldn't commit to regular care. They provide adhoc care for hospital appointments, special occasions and an overnight every other month ish. I'm not upset. I'm bloody grateful because ITS NOT THEIR JOB. I'd park the behaviour I'd tell them they are being rude/ ungrateful if the comment on the gift or value of it. Same with the care.

They spent £50? Plus the bank thing.

If you were brave enough, I'd be saying:

"we recognise that (DIL's parents) are providing significant financial and childcare support. However our circumstances are different. The distance and time in travelling to you is significant and cannot be compared to the help that grandparents who live five minutes away, can offer.
We are not privy to their financial situation, but will always do what we can within the limits of ours. It hurts that you seem to find our efforts inadequate. We love you both, and our grandchild dearly. But we would really appreciate you not comparing us to grandparents whose circumstances are different from ours"

If her parents are mug enough to pay for them then let them do it. Her parents clearly see a deficit in their daughter if they constantly have to buy her love. Don't fall for it do something for yourself and plan another holiday. You seem bothered about not spending money on them, I wonder what your husband is like?
When my daughter left home I said "one out, 3 more to go". You spend most of your salary on them when they are young and they expect you to continue paying for their luxury items when they leave. If he has expensive tastes and is materialistic then tell him to work for it like everyone else. If they don't want to talk to you again then their loss not yours. Stop giving them an audience or spend your money on them they would love that.

Oh dear. I'd be reining in the babysitting now and putting boundaries in place. They are being very spoilt and ungrateful. They are already assuming you'll be at every beck and call so put an end to that now.

I think the child is a baby (a 1 yo)? So actually they appreciate neither gifts nor money.

It's easy to say that, but since the couple never bother to visit OP, chances are that this would mean that OP wouldn't get to see her grandchild.

I have friends who do childcare that they no longer have the energy for, because they know that if they didn't, they'd never see their grandchildren. And theirs is a similar situation with the other grandparents living much closer.

Sadly there are couples out there who simply see the grandparent relationship as transactional.

But the baby is 14 months old, so was most probably already born, when the holiday was booked.

However, I am not standing up for the CF parents. The baby’s care is entirely their responsibility.

correct... however there was never a formal childcare arrangment in place and they were told as soon as we booked the holiday. i didn't realise that we needed permission to book holidays?

Your DIL sounds a bit rude tbh. Moaning about lack of things you bought and you are entitled to book holidays etc. Maybe just say that as they were upset about XYZ what can we do going forward to minimise arguments, or how can you all work round certain situations so everyone is happy, obviously you shouldn't bend over backwards and not go out your way to please her. You don't sound overbearing in any way , you sound reasonable, I'd just have a chat and try and get a happy balance all round

My grandsons mum bought so many toys for my grandson , for example letting him fill a trolley at toys r us at the age of 3 that we really couldn’t compete. She and my son had separated and co parented well. So after checking with my son that he was happy with the plan I did exactly what you did, I opened an account and bought a smaller present. My grandson is 20 now and at Christmas I gave him the details of the account that he knew nothing about . He is currently spending it travelling the world backpacking . I am apparently the best grandma in the world. This is an experience he will always remember as opposed to some plastic crap that he received at the age of 2, 3, 4 etc

As someone put it OP:
Appreciation turns to expectation, then turns to entitlement, finally it turns to resentment.
Stand your ground.