how to please DIL

[miserablemo]

i am at a loss as to how to please my future DIL. she is unhappy that we went away on holiday in March because it meant they didn't have childcare for 14 month old, as her parents were also away, and she/they (because SS also joined in with this) would have to take time off work, and, this is the best bit.. 'we can't do (insert social activity here) as you are away'

when baby was born, we set up a little bank account, and explained too SS and his partner that we would put a little amount in each month, and on occasions like, birthdays, holidays like easter etc, rather than spend a fortune on gifts, we would put a larger amount into the account and we would give a 'token gift'. we asked what was wanted for birthday and was told to buy such and such, which totalled about £50, and then we deposited another £50 into the bank account which i thinks is perfectly acceptable. DIL is now moaning that we didn't get the baby much???

apparently its our fault they are not available in April for a visit as DIL is away every, yes, every weekend in april and again bemoaning that they do not have childcare and that SS is now having to take leave from his job?

i genuinely want to know, what can i do, or what is to be done to please your DIL? and SS, i won't say he is totally blameless.. all i want is a happy, calm relationship, and to have a relationship with these people and their child and it just seems to be so much hard work.

(the holiday in march was booked last year, well before the baby was born) and we assumed at this point the baby would be going to nursery, but apparently, even though he has now free hours? she doesn't want him in nursery?

My mum does a day of childcare each week for my 2 nursery aged DC. If she wants to have a holiday at any time of the year that is 100% okay! I just book the time off work to cover her break away. I wouldn’t even dream of complaining or mentioning this to my mum, she does us a huge favour which we’re very grateful for. Can’t believe the cheek of your DIL.

Your DIL sounds very entitled. I’ve never had childcare and can’t imagine expecting it, let alone having a strop because the person providing it needs to go on holiday. Childcare should be the baby’s parents responsibility. I would be waiting for an apology. You are never going to be able to please your DIL because she thinks your job is to please her, and that it is a one way street.

Two words really OP. Stop trying. ok more than 2 words....and stop the childcare. The relationship you want isn't going to happen and you need to accept that.

Who is telling you all this. You say “apparently “ so assume it’s not your daughter in law? She’s either awful or a whinge that should be private has been brought to your attention when it didn’t need to be.

you can’t make her like you either way so do what you are comfortable with.

Ime this is what happens when lines between being a dgp and a child care provider are blurred... I nearly had a breakdown keeping to my dil's schedule..
I told ds I could no longer have dgc..

No regrets. Lesson learned for future dgc I tell you.

I disagree - a 14 month old doesn't need expensive gifts. Token gifts are fine. My parents stated saving for myvDD from birth - she was so grateful if the money as she could attend uni. She didn't need lots of gifts at 14 months.

DIL and SS are being unreasonable. I'm also a lone parent and rely on family for childcare and I would never begrudge them a holiday it's my issue to sort.

Does your dh normally have a good relationship with your ss?

I think your partner needs to have a word with his SS. Tell him to be glad for all the babysitting they do get instead of only seeing the weeks they don't get.

Who said the DiL was moaning about the gift? Unless she has moaned to you directly, I would take this with a pinch of salt. Someone could have got the wrong end of the stick, misread the tone of a throw away comment or not understood a joke that didn't land.

Also, I would say a "token gift" would be £5-10, not £50. A small toy car, a book, a teddy etc. £50 gifts would definitely be the main event in my opinion and I wouldn't expect a further £50 cash donation on top.

i couldn’t cope with a dil like that, mumsnet love to suggest no contact, surprised this hasn’t been suggested yet, honestly do it, she sounds like hard work as well as ungrateful, complaining about not getting enough gifts!? Also you have every right to go on holiday when ever you want.
just ignore her, the type she is, she will burn not getting ur attention.
make yourself unavailable every weekend of May. Make it clear bc of her attitude you will not be providing childcare, it isn’t ur duty and you would’ve been happy to help out but due to her attitude that offer is no longer on the table.

Why on earth are you pandering to this nonsense?!
They chose to have the kids, they can sort out their own holiday issues. That’s the way most of us do it! You have your own life to lead.

Did her parents check about the holidays before booking, or was it booked pre-baby like yours.
I don't think youre BU as holiday was booked before the baby arrived. If they now rely on you for childcare on a weekly basis (which you ve agreed on) I DO think its a general courtesy, that you let them know before hand so they can check that her parents can step up for those days.
I have a friend who does part child care for her GC (DSs kids). Her parents go away when they like without letting people know until last minute when her DDiL has to apologise and check if shes OK to step in for those days. My friend happily does it, BUT the behaviour does upset her.

You seem overinvolved. Surely this is for your husband to sort out with his son? Let him speak to his son about the childcare and gift arrangements. It's not for you to please or appease him and his partner.

They’ve weaponised the baby. Pull right back. Don’t put money into an account that they can see. Stop communicating with her until you have CONSISTANT proof that they don’t consider you the “staff”. I think they both have a lot of nerve and need to remember that they need you more than you need them.

I think your DIL is trying to make their childcare problems a joint issue for you and her parents. She's trying to make sure everyone should be staggering holidays just so she has childcare. I would make clear this is her and SS's issue to solve. By all means give her notice of holidays if you can but don't try and pander to her. If you can babysit - fine, but if you can't, say no and stick to it. Make it clear it's not your problem - if SS has to take leave, he has to take leave. Welcome to the world of parenthood.

I can't believe your SS's outrage at having to take some annual leave to care for his own child! I used to use all my annual leave for child care.

Do you provide regular childcare for your grandchild? As other posters have said, I would leave it up to your DH to discuss this with his son. They both sound very entitled and rude to complain about your holiday and the amount you spent on birthday presents.

It would make me provide less support, not more.

Yes, but a present costing £50 is more than a "token gift"!

I am in the lucky position of being able to afford a lot more than that on birthday/Christmas gifts for my grandchildren if I chose to, but I don’t. (And their parents wouldn’t want me to.) Children don’t need expensive toys or huge numbers of gifts.

Is she giving her own parents an equally hard time for daring to go away? Did they book after you did?

It doesn't really matter, I'm just curious if there's a double standard to add to her sense of entitlement. You don't need her permission to go away, or anything else.

I think your SS and DIL may be in for a bit of a shock about parenthood. Sometimes you have to take leave. However, why does the woman always get blamed? You could just have easily blamed your SS instead of your DIL.
My husband and I are grandparents and do childcare for our grandchildren as do the other grandparents. We always check in advance about taking holiday and usually try not to go away while the other grandparents are away. We double up on shifts while the other grandparents are away, as they do for us. Between our children and the other grandparents we always seem to come up with a solution and we have a few holidays a year.

I agree with pps that this is very cheeky behaviour but assuming you want a relationship with the baby I would advise staying calm, ignoring whinges about presents, clearly state what you can/can't do in terms of childcare, and maybe accept for now that you may not be as close to DIL as you'd like.
Are there any mitigating factors in their behaviour eg are they very young, was the baby unplanned, does baby sleep through the night? (You don't need to tell us, just some things to consider). It doesn't make their behaviour ok but might explain it.
lots of parents not only have no or minimal practical help but also have to help their older or unwell parents and juggle that with looking after their children. So your SS and dil are very lucky to have two sets of grandparents able to help.

What childcare do you provide - is it a whole day/overnight? Every day? Some days? Every weekend?

Did DDIL actually complain that your birthday present or did she say something like 'he didn't get much for his birthday'?

What is your DDIL's social activity?

THIS !

I don't think there is any pleasing you DIL/SS in the above.

In terms of the childcare, even if it is weekly specific days childcare, any rational person would understand there will be points of the year where you want to take holiday and won't be available (sickness) for childcare. Your DIL/SS should have factored that in when they asked you to provide childcare or when they accepted your offer to provide childcare. This is the whole reason I would never ask or accept childcare help weekly from family. I wouldn't work with us having to take time off if that person was away/sick.
If its adhoc childcare, they have to no right to expect family to be free so they can attend social events. If they want to go and you are away, they need to find a friend or a babysitting service not moan you aren't around.
The factor they don't want to send their DS to nursery should not mean they put that on you. They need to sort out the childcare around that, and understand the logistics of accepting family help.

In terms of the money over present, I think your DIL/SS are being very short sighted about it. My parents started doing this a year or so ago (for DS7). I'm so grateful they have. I'd much prefer my DS to have a little nest egg for uni or whatever he decided later than lots of presents now. You get to a point where you just have too many presents for every birthday / christmas / event etc and they don't appreciate what they have. They do what you do with token present (around the £50 mark) but its dramically reduced from what they use to give him.

If you want to carry on the childcare, then I would be very clear about when you are going on holiday and that they need to sort alternative arrangements out. Give as much notice as possible when you book holidays.

we assumed at this point the baby would be going to nursery, but apparently, even though he has now free hours? she doesn't want him in nursery?

Why would you assume that? Research has proven it is more beneficial for a child under the age of 3 to stay at home with a primary caregiver.

I also didn’t want my two in nursery before 3.

But she spent £50 on the birthday gifts and the child was only 1. I think that’s MORE than enough?!
I have 2 kids and we’re overrun with toys-I’m always delighted when someone chooses to gift an experience/ day out/ cash in an account. So much more practical. Either way, I’d never complain so I think your DIL is being a CF.

Our inlaws always let us know when they would be away in advance (they used to have DDs one day a week). We made alternative arrangements and it was fine- they are allowed to go on holiday! We were grateful for their support.