how to please DIL

[miserablemo]

i am at a loss as to how to please my future DIL. she is unhappy that we went away on holiday in March because it meant they didn't have childcare for 14 month old, as her parents were also away, and she/they (because SS also joined in with this) would have to take time off work, and, this is the best bit.. 'we can't do (insert social activity here) as you are away'

when baby was born, we set up a little bank account, and explained too SS and his partner that we would put a little amount in each month, and on occasions like, birthdays, holidays like easter etc, rather than spend a fortune on gifts, we would put a larger amount into the account and we would give a 'token gift'. we asked what was wanted for birthday and was told to buy such and such, which totalled about £50, and then we deposited another £50 into the bank account which i thinks is perfectly acceptable. DIL is now moaning that we didn't get the baby much???

apparently its our fault they are not available in April for a visit as DIL is away every, yes, every weekend in april and again bemoaning that they do not have childcare and that SS is now having to take leave from his job?

i genuinely want to know, what can i do, or what is to be done to please your DIL? and SS, i won't say he is totally blameless.. all i want is a happy, calm relationship, and to have a relationship with these people and their child and it just seems to be so much hard work.

(the holiday in march was booked last year, well before the baby was born) and we assumed at this point the baby would be going to nursery, but apparently, even though he has now free hours? she doesn't want him in nursery?

Your son and dil are hugely entitled. Tell them straight how it is. Your not there for their benefit

The simple answer: don't try to please them because you never will. If they can't afford childcare or have no alternatives but parents then they either suck it up or shouldn't have had a child in the first place. They sound entitled, self absorbed and unkind. Tell them to get stuffed.

The child is 14 months old and doesn’t even know what a birthday is; it’s not going to be ‘devastated’ by anything. And in any case the OP is buying the child gifts. She bought £50 of gifts and put £50 in a savings account.

A toddler doesn’t have a clue how much gifts cost, in any case, so even if she did only give them something small to open, they’re not going to care if it didn’t cost much. (You know a ‘token gift’ doesn’t mean a gift voucher, right?!)

She sounds very spoilt and entitled.

Is she away every weekend in April without her baby?
I would just continue with your own plans and not go out of your way to be childcare. Because otherwise they will expect you to be on hand all the time.

Why you focusing on the dil not the son ?

Agree with others I don't think £50 worth of presents is a token gift.

It's more than my DC get from their GPs and they don't get money on top!

She's very rude and grabby to moan about that to you.

On the childcare point it's unclear what you currently are doing childcare-wise.

Maybe they were assuming you would cover the weeks her parents are away and was just having a moan due to the unfortunate timing.

That's not your problem though.

No point trying to please her if she wants to complain about everything, just be kind when you see her and disengage from the drama.

£50 is plenty to spend on a gift. Putting money in a bank account for the future is a much better use of another 50 than more tat.

I assume there's been an offer of childcare, but when the DIL and SS have tried to call it in, none has been forthcoming from OP, which is causing the annoyance.. it doesn't sound like they knew about OPs holiday and asked for help with childcare only to be told that they weren't available, which they obviously didn't know about otherwise it wouldn't a surprise to them?

There annoyance isn't really justified if OP has got pre-booked plans, but lots of people pay lip service and offer help and then have no real intention of actually helping.. they want to see the grandchildren on their terms, and want the parents to do all the facilitating but don't actually want to put any effort in themselves, even though they have said they want to and offered to.. This would cause quite a bit of frustration, and I suspect is what is actually happening here.

OP seems to be a completely hands off grandparent, the gifts thing seems to indicate that too, they get a 'token' gift for special occasions and put money in a bank account instead? To me that's just quite lazy grandparenting, absolutely no thought goes into it whatsoever, just doing the bare minimum.. and it's the same with helping out too.

Along with OP moaning about her DIL being away at weekends(?), not visiting them (?), no real connection with the child, and things like being incredulous that DIL isn't putting her child in nursery (?) shows that OP doesn't really know them well, but is quite opinionated when it comes to her DIL and there is obviously a mismatch in expectation/communication with regards to involvement.

I suspect OP is telling an extremely one sided version of these events, but it's easier to come on here call her a CF and blame the DIL (it's always the DIL!) for the lack of relationship than it is to try and actually put effort into having a relationship with them.

OP hasn't come back. She clearly doesn't like he SDIL.
I suspect she is like my SMIL- if I told her she looked nice, she'd take offence.

It's only a few hours since she posted 😂. Maybe, just maybe, the OP is getting on with real life. Give her some more time FGS. Not everyone is glued to message boards. Some people actually do have a life.

I'm not sure that £50 in the bank and £50 on present/s is a 'token'

@miserablemo I don't think you can please them, sorry. But if they need you more than you need them, don't bend over for them

She may well do but it looks like yet another thread where the OP doesn't come back.

A £50 present plus £50 contribution to bank account is not a 'bare minimum' gift, it is a generous and appropriate way to mark a toddler's birthday. I think the OP's description of it as a 'token gift' was maybe a bit misleading. I would see a 'token gift' as a chocolate bar or sticker book or something.

I think people are getting a bit confused about this. OP WANTS to just give a token gift, and put money in an account:

and explained too SS and his partner that we would put a little amount in each month, and on occasions like, birthdays, holidays like easter etc, rather than spend a fortune on gifts, we would put a larger amount into the account and we would give a 'token gift'.

It is only on the child's birthday that she has asked what they want and they have asked for a £50 gift so that is what they have bought, for some reason OP also put the £50 into the account too.. NO ONE is suggesting the birthday present is a token gift.. it's not, but it also doesn't sound like it's the norm.

OP has presumably the rest of the time done token gifts and put money into an account?

Your dil sounds cheeky, spoilt and unreasonable. You can't please people like this

they were aware of the holiday when we booked it, and we did used to do regular childcare, due to working, other GC and our own committments we used to have this GC once a month for a sleep over, however, this then turned into every weekend and we had to draw a line and put a stop too it because we simply could not carry on, with working 24/7 shifts, we ere exhausted and missing out on other things.

SS and DIL have both spoken too me about their childcare issues, i suspect to try and make me feel guilty.

We discussed the present giving situation as soon as baby was born, and they agreed that the baby a) wouldn't really know what was going on and the b) her parents were inundating them with surprise gifts all the time and they simply didnt have the space.

we asked what was wanted, suggesting a budget with the full knowledge that the bank account would also be topped up, the gift they asked for was a little over the budget.

i just feel like i am being played off against her own parents, they tell us all the time what the parents have bought for them, paid for them, given them etc.

i really am trying to do my best.

thank you, yes, i have been out and about, just getting on with life and intended to reply later this evening when i was having some down time. i didn't realise there was a time limit on when replies had to be forthcoming.

i adore my SDIL. she was a breath of fresh air too the family and we were so pleased because she really is the best thing for SS. BUT.. since they have had a baby, there's just little things they both say that hurt. we are trying our hardest and simply didn't realise the committement we were expected to provide?

am at a loss as to how to please my future DIL. she is unhappy that we went away on holiday in March because it meant they didn't have childcare for 14 month old, as her parents were also away, and she/they (because SS also joined in with this) would have to take time off work, and, this is the best bit.. 'we can't do (insert social activity here) as you are away'

I would not be trying to please such an unreasonable person. Your DIL and SIL sound selfish and self-centred.

we used to provide 1 overnight a month as we both still work full time 24/7 and have other GC and a life to live oursleves. however, somehow this ended up being every week and we were exhausted and missing out on other things because of it so we had to put our foot down and are currenly in what i can only describe as a 'cooling off' period before we start to see what we can offer.

DIL has a wide social circle, and tends to be out or away most weekends leaving SS with the baby, and prior to us putting our foot down, being left with us.

i think, but i do not know that her own mother provides some kind of daytime care, but its not my place to ask.

And yes, it was actually SS who pointed out that our gift 'wasn't much' and that her parents had got this, that and other! he said 'X wasn't very happy with Y's present!' so yes there may be some stirring there

we assumed because we were told they were looking at nurseries, however, because the nursery they want baby to go too has a waiting list, and is a bit of a logistical nightmare to get baby too due too their work committements they have decided not to bother just yet. i think we were supposed to offer to help, but we also live an hour away and can't just 'pop in'.

i cannot answer this? all we have heard is the distain that BOTH sets of parents are away at the same time. we booked this holiday over a year ago, we never just go away on a whim, and have holidays already booked for as far in advance as 2026.

SS makes it very clear to us what her parents actually do for them, they live round the corner whereas we live an hour away, he is always telling us what they have bought them, given them, paid for.

We simply are not in a financial position to keep spending cash left right and centre on their baby, we have other GC also.

I wouldn't call £50 worth of gifts a "token" !!

A present costing £50 isn't really a token gift.