how to please DIL

[miserablemo]

i am at a loss as to how to please my future DIL. she is unhappy that we went away on holiday in March because it meant they didn't have childcare for 14 month old, as her parents were also away, and she/they (because SS also joined in with this) would have to take time off work, and, this is the best bit.. 'we can't do (insert social activity here) as you are away'

when baby was born, we set up a little bank account, and explained too SS and his partner that we would put a little amount in each month, and on occasions like, birthdays, holidays like easter etc, rather than spend a fortune on gifts, we would put a larger amount into the account and we would give a 'token gift'. we asked what was wanted for birthday and was told to buy such and such, which totalled about £50, and then we deposited another £50 into the bank account which i thinks is perfectly acceptable. DIL is now moaning that we didn't get the baby much???

apparently its our fault they are not available in April for a visit as DIL is away every, yes, every weekend in april and again bemoaning that they do not have childcare and that SS is now having to take leave from his job?

i genuinely want to know, what can i do, or what is to be done to please your DIL? and SS, i won't say he is totally blameless.. all i want is a happy, calm relationship, and to have a relationship with these people and their child and it just seems to be so much hard work.

(the holiday in march was booked last year, well before the baby was born) and we assumed at this point the baby would be going to nursery, but apparently, even though he has now free hours? she doesn't want him in nursery?

That's an absolute truckload of assumption and projection!!

Is it mostly your SS that lets you know of DILs 'unhappiness' and what has been provided by the in laws? It does seem like there may be some manipulation going on here to get you to comply, but if it isn't coming from DIL directly I would place the blame for that where it lies and that is with SS unfortunately.

DIL has a wide social circle, and tends to be out or away most weekends leaving SS with the baby, and prior to us putting our foot down, being left with us.

So again, DIL would leaving SS with the baby while she went out, which he then fobbed off with you every weekend instead of doing the childcare himself? I'm really struggling to see how this isn't the SS not stepping up into his parenting role.. it's good you have refused to do it every weekend, that is definitely taking the mickey, but I'm not sure you are getting the full story here to be honest.

Do either of them work at the weekends?

we are currently not providing any childcare.. when baby was first born we had it overnight every month, however, this then turned into every fortnight and then into every week! myself and DH both still work full time, both work 24/7 shifts and we have other GC and other things we want to be doing so we had to put a stop to the childcare for a bit. we were expected to travel an hour, collect child, drive home and then return the child the following day.. that 4 hours of travelling every weekend and we were exhausted!

what we have asked for from both of them, is time with all 3 of them, and not just to provide childcare, we simply dont have the time for that. ofcourse, if there was a real emergency then we would step in, but i don't class a couple hours notice of having to miss a night out with the girls an emergency.

i genuinely didn't realise as a Grandparent it was my duty and responsibility to provide childcare?

It's not

And I think you have a son problem more than a DiL one

It isn't your duty or obligation, it's whatever you feel comfortable with, they should be grateful for whatever you can offer, especially if you have to travel.

Why were they angry at you about the holiday in March if you'd already stopped doing childcare, surely there was no expectation that you would do it, so why were they so annoyed about it?

actually... what i have missed out, and if you read my updates. we were very hands on. we provided childcare on a monthly, then fortnightly, then weekly basis and have had to put our foot down because we were simply exhausted, bearing in mind we both work full time 24/7 also.

the holiday was known about, it was booked over a year ago because of my job i am required to book holidays early.

we have put in the effort to visit them, they live an hour away and are currently trying to fit in atleast 1 visit a month where shifts allow. they never visit us. we are constantly asking how we can help (other than sleepovers), what do they need, if we are passing we see if they are in for a quick drop in!

i really am not sure what else I am supposed to do really? this is my SS and his partner. you are quite right it should be DH dealing with his son, but as we all know, this does not happen and it falls to the wife/partner. I am the evil step mother! and i am trying to hard

i can only assume its because her parents have then booked a holiday. and i suspect SS feels easier blaming us than having at go at her parents!

YANBU….but your DIL is. She can’t dictate when you can have holidays, etc. as long as you’ve given plenty of notice to sort out alternative care (which it sounds like you have) then it’s not your problem. My mum is our childcare and admittedly my parents tend to book there holiday when we have ours but I’m always telling them to book something if they want to go at any other time and just to give me a decent amount of notice to put in leave/get extra days at nursery/etc.

As for the gifts. My parents and in laws both do this. They buy a few token gifts to unwrap then they give cash/transfer cash to the kids bank accounts. My kids have absolutely no idea about what things cost and are more than happy with what they get. As they get older we’ll tell them about the money too but they’re not old enough yet to understand. I imagine as they get older and start asking for specific gift that this might change but whilst they’re young and have no idea I don’t see the issue with it.

I suspect from what i've read I do. sadly its a step son! which throws a spanner in the works.

I think they both sound really entitled. Fifty quid of presents and fifty quid savings is loads for a toddler birthday, and you're not obliged to provide childcare, especially with 4 hours travelling and especially when you live an hour away and both work full time.

You might have to just develop a thick skin - spend what you feel is reasonable on presents and offer what you want re childcare (even if that is none) and ignore any whinging beyond that.

Can I ask how much childcare you have done for your other Grandchildren.
Could this be a factor in their expectations?
Is your SS mother still about? Does she do any Childcare?
It does sound as though you are being put upon.

We dont provide childcare for the other GC, we spend time with them, but 'childcare' is not the expectation. granted my DD lives very close and i would say i see my GC a couple of times a week. DD will pop in or we will meet for a cuppa at the local cafe, or i will drop in to hers and help with maybe the odd chore where time allows. We have the same set up in place for presents with my DD, she insisted that we do not buy for this GC's upcoming birthday because lets face it, they won't know whats going on, so has asked us not to bother (but i will get something because i could not not get a birthday gift).

DIL works fulltime and went back to work early, DD is in the fortunate position to have taken longer off and is returning to work on a part time basis. DD has also secured a nusery placement for the entire time she is at work because she does not see its anyones job to provide childcare for her child but her and her DH.

SS's mother is no longer on the scene, she is alive, but has not been in SS's life since he was a baby (DH was a single dad for many years until meeting me).

We never agreed to provide anything for either family in the way of childcare, we set up the bank accounts with the parents knowledge and agreement, and we gave both an equal amount of money as a gift upon the pregnancy announcements.

I am sure someone will come on and call me out for treating my own DD differently to my DIL (she's technically not DIL) but we've always looked on her affectionatly as such and I've tried so hard up to now to please everyone. My own DD's MIL only see's GC occasionally, every month or so, but DD has no expectations for anything and i know they make an effort to take GC to see MIL regularly?

I think i am guilty of assuming, very stupidly that everyone is the same. That everyone would behave the same as my own DD and her DH do?

SS makes it very clear to us what her parents actually do for them, they live round the corner whereas we live an hour away,

That's a very fundamental difference, and it's entirely unreasonable for the couple to expect the same amount of childcare from you. That four hours of driving in order for you to have the baby overnight for them, was ridiculous.

My DD lives 45 minutes away, but when I do any childcare, my son in law meets me half way (not in the direction of his work, even) and we swap the DGDs into my car. That's the kind of consideration and appreciation for GP help that your SS and DIL should be showing, frankly.

@miserablemo , thanks for the replies (Today 15:56)

DIL is now moaning that we didn't get the baby much??? is actually SS saying it. Shoot the messenger (get DH to put him in his place)

You were expected to do 4 sleepovers in a month? They are being unreasonable.

It doesn't matter what her parents do. It's not a competition. They might not have full time work or similar commitments. They live nearer. You aren't a parent*, but you are being a good grandparent.

Edited as I meant 'you are not SS or SDIL's parent'.

Are you sure SS or DIL weren't stressing about childcare when they realised you weren't available during your holiday?

They might have been like "oh shit we were hoping you would be able to help. I hope we can get AL" venting out loud rather than blaming you. If you dont regularly do childcare then there is no way they could have expected you to watch baby while other grandparents are away.

You are doing absolutely nothing wrong. Yo can’t change your DIL and SSon’s sense of entitlement. They have had a baby in a two parent relationship. They work and seem to carry out social activities. You live 1 hour away and they expected you to pick the baby up weekly for an over night stay. I would have never expected or wanted my parents to do this as I’m sure you wouldn’t but as you say people are not all the same.

Next time they say that the other set of parents are helping with childcare, point out that as they live five minutes away, that's much more doable for them. And point out that four hours of driving makes regular childcare much less practical.

It's ridiculous that they're comparing parents in this way, when there's such a disparity in distance.

Meanwhile, all you can do is make sure that DIL knows how fond you are of her and how well she suits your SS. If she's starting to be resentful, she needs to feel some positivity from you, if you can't show it by actions (which, practically, you can't). It might be a bit galling while you're getting this entitlement from them, but if you genuinely like her otherwise, she probably needs to feel it. Tell her you miss her (and don't make it about seeing the grandchild).

She sounds absolutely vile OP. I feel sorry for you. If I end up with a DIL like this she will be getting told. Why is she so entitled? You don't owe them childcare and you don't owe them expensive gifts. You've done your stint at parenting and it sounds like she needs to learn how to parent if she thinks she can go away every weekend. I would never dream of saying something like that to my MIL and believe me we had our problems when she was alive. I think you need to decide what your boundaries are and set some lines in the sand. Don't let her walk all over you.

Your DIL does know she has had a baby doesn't she? My life changed when I had my babies no more going out everything had to be planed. I had no babysitter on hand when needed. Not many first time parents go out with their mates that often. She sounds selfish and he (SS) sounds like a push over.

The only way you will please them is to put them and their needs and wishes front and centre. This means checking with them before you make any plans, and being ready at all times to ask 'how high' when they shout 'jump'. So if I were you and didn't want to live like that, I'd make my peace with regular stints in the bad books, and stop trying so hard. Carry on in your own sweet way, being considerate of them and gifting your grandchild as you see fit. If it's nor good enough, then too bad. I doubt they'll cut their nose off to spite their faces.

I don't think posters are being fair to say that if someone commits to regular childcare they are unreasonable to have a holiday. Childminders take holidays, I see no reason why a grandparent can't. I don't see the issues with SS taking time of work either. Don't all parents use annual leave to care for their own child.
I think DIL and SS are very entitled and ungrateful. The present thing is also very cheeky, £50 on a gift and £50 in savings is more than a lot of children get from GPs
I'd be telling them straight they are being very unfair rather than try and appease them or it will just continue.

I think i am guilty of assuming, very stupidly that everyone is the same. That everyone would behave the same as my own DD and her DH do?

There's this. And also, it seems like your DiL may be expecting everyone to be the same and for you and your DH to act like her own parents do (who, it sounds like, do more hands on childcare and give more in the way of presents?).

Mismatched expectations can be really hard to manage, especially if your SS is not actively trying to ensure a smooth relationship.

Yes they do appreciate gifts. And £50 would have bought though gifts to keep a young child happy surely. So the other £50 in savings is a bonus.

Did you post before about the sleepover situation?