Day off for dads death

[Noideawhatimdoing40]

My son is 12 and his dad died almost 3 years ago. Next week is the anniversary of his death and he has asked if he can stay home for the day. Aibu sending him in? He’s got full attendance so far and is a great kid all round, but hates school despite being incredibly studious. Please can I have honest opinions. I feel torn. The previous two years I think fell during the Easter half terms so was not an issue.

The new buzzword "resilience" seems to be a code for thoughtlessness and frankly cruelty. It makes me cringe.

So life is all about building resilience and not about showing kindness.

Life can be about both. This isn’t an opportunity to build resilience, a 12 year old boy who has lost his father and is going to school, living a life , has already shown so much resilience.

You don’t think a day off to remember dad in a special way helps build an inner reserve and memories of his dad.

The cruelty here towards a young child is quite shocking. So what if he takes the day off every year to remember his dad. Maybe he’ll do that until he retires. I think that’s nice

I’ve used sickness leave for the death anniversary of a parent, and was granted this without a problem. Yes, the traumatic circumstances and grief caused me to have physical and mental symptoms that “qualified” as an illness. My GP backed me up btw, as she issued a medical note without a problem.

You are being totally unreasonable to categorise grief as something that should be dealt with by being “resilient”, it really isn’t like that. Count yourself lucky you haven’t been in this situation, as I doubt you would be saying the same if you had experienced this yourself.

Definitely let him have the day off!

I don't work on my sons anniversary
(Christmas Day) but I take Christmas Eve off as he died in Australia so
although it was Christmas Day there it was Christmas eve here.

I also take his birthday off every year.

Please let your son stay home, do something together if that's what he wants. Grief is hard enough, anniversaries
are harder.

He lost his dad still the age of 9 ...an awful think for him to have to cope with . Since his dad's death the anniversary has fell in the school holidays and he has been at home. I wouldn't be changing this quiet day at home this year if your ds wants this or feels he needs it. Schools are noisy busy places and boys of 12 are not always particularly sensitive. He has excellent attendance and works hard at school. Why should he face a day I he doesn't feel ready for. He will probably eventually choose to go in on this day himself and even if he doesn't that one day isn't going to make any difference to his educational outcomes. He must miss his dad so much and this day off helps him know you understand and are supporting him. Better the day off than hurt and maybe feelings of resentment towards you if you don't allow it. I would cut him a bit of slack on this one op. 💐

This. ^ I let my kids have the day off school 4 or 5 times a year (separate days) to go to the zoo or the beach (5 or 6 years on the trot between when they were 7 or 8 and about 12 or 13. I'm damn sure I would have let them stay off on the anniversary of their dad's death. Every year until they felt they didn't need it any longer!

We also went away for a week and the end of September with them pretty much every year for about 10 years. (And kept them off school obvs.) From when they were 5-6 to around 15. This was a 'request' week, (authorised absence) and the school allowed it, and the odd days off were allowed too. The school were fine with it all. Not long after the DC left, they started to get much more strict.

This was 2 decades+ ago, and the school weren't overly faffed as my 2 DC were/are academically bright, always ahead at school, and they didn't suffer one iota because of it.

And? What's the issue?

My dad dad at that age., and I took a Monday to Friday off school. No days off subsequently.

Agonising over school attendance appears to be very British, I don't know of any other country that is so obsessed with prison like incarceration no matter what. The total angst around kids taking a day out is bizarre. I read here about kids being sent in when ill, being bullied, and so on.

Mad really all those rules and fines. You wouldn't get them if you broke the law in some instances.

Unclench.....

I agree. Also I’d commemorate his dad’s birthday, celebrating his time with you and DS, more than the sad day when he died.

But I was more worried that you said DS hates school. That’s a big thing that needs tackling. It must be affecting his everyday life. Have you discussed this with his teachers?

Sending sympathy to you both. It is hard.

He's still young and it will still be raw for him. For what it's worth, my dad died on New Year's Eve and I never worked that day from then on apart from a couple of exceptional circumstances when we were short staffed.

OP, it may be that time will pass and in future he will be okay about going in on his dad's anniversary, but for the time being I'd let him have the day off.

No, it would be sending the wrong message. Life goes on. If your son wants a memorial day for his dad, he could have it during the nearest weekend.

3 years is not long at all. Maybe he will feel more comfortable being at home on that day just so he is around you for support and because you and his home are his safe place.

i lost my dad nearly 9 years ago, I still try and take the day off just so I don’t have to worry about putting on a fake face all day! I think you’re being quite harsh sending him when he’s asked to stay at home. It will heighten his emotions much more by sending him in when he has already requested to stay home.

I would.

Not many 12yo boys have had to suffer the trauma of losing a parent. If he wants the day off, then I'd let it happen.

However I'd expect the day to be used wisely - we'd either do something to commemorate his dad or do something outside of the house. Not something fun per se or expensive but something we don't do everyday.

It wouldn't be a day to doss about and game!

I was a similar age to your Son when my Dad died unexpectedly during the night.Terrible shock ,still feel it nearly 40 years later! However I think he should go in .I say because every year it will ease a little and I think of Dad most days but not always then .My DD was born on the same day 30 odd years later and Mum always said we have something good to come out of it.

The wrong message? Really? Yes if he stays it would be sending the message that you care and listen to his feelings.
FGS he has 364 days a year to be “resilient”.

and agree if he is unhappy at school it needs looking at

Except that multiple people on this thread have said they do take off anniversaries of their parents as adults. What is wrong with them using their own annual leave to do so?

Where is your compassion and empathy? Fucking Hell this is harsh!

Stone the crows! - harsh or what?

Some of the insensitivity on this thread is beyond mind-boggling.

This is a child - a bereaved child who has picked himself up and got on with life, but who needs one day - just one day - to commemorate his dad.

What message does refusing this send out to the child?

Frankly I feel sorry for the children of these harsh posters.

Yes I would. I will always take the day off work the anniversary of my mums death too, second anniversary this year. I find the attitude on mumsnet towards this kind of thing completely bizarre and lacking in empathy. No one gets a medal for going to work/school when they are grieving.

Your post that has thankfully been deleted is one of the most vile things I’ve read on here. Let alone on a thread about a child who has lost his father. I hope on reflection you’re embarrassed by what you wrote but unfortunately it doesn’t seem like you are.

I have a 12 year old DS and would definitely give him a day off for this and would do so any year he needed it. As an adult he'd be able to plan a day off in advance so it's not like an adult would have to do things on the anniversary. He may find in future that it feels easier to do whatever (college/uni/job) on the day but for now it really sounds like he needs some compassion and understanding. I agree with PPs who have suggested you plan something for the day rather than a day of gaming/alone time. Even if that's a film marathon together of Dad's favourite films or whatever.

I meant to agree with those saying that taking the day off school would be good if you can spend some time with him doing something commemorative or just taking quiet time together.

Sitting alone feeling sad, especially since DS has the serious problem of hating school, could make him feel worse.

Honest to goodness, the lack of care and compassion shown by some posters for a CHILD who has lost their DAD is hideous.

Who are you people? Have you lost a parent? Or do you just not know what real love and grief really is. Awful.

I'm an adult and I would never work on my mothers anniversary! Grief is hard, I'd let him do whatever he needs to do to get through it!