Day off for dads death

[Noideawhatimdoing40]

My son is 12 and his dad died almost 3 years ago. Next week is the anniversary of his death and he has asked if he can stay home for the day. Aibu sending him in? He’s got full attendance so far and is a great kid all round, but hates school despite being incredibly studious. Please can I have honest opinions. I feel torn. The previous two years I think fell during the Easter half terms so was not an issue.

When I was also 12 I had a day off school as it was my fathers funeral, next day I had to pay 2d fine for not taking my library book back the day before & got a telling off from the teacher, “what’s your excuse lad ?” even now it’s makes me feel sad to have had to blurt out It was my dads funeral sir. He let me keep the 2d.

He's been open with you regarding his feelings - at 12 he won't want to be emotional around his friends or teachers (obviously ok for boys to show feelings but most teenagers would prefer not to).

I would allow him to stay off and I wouldn't restrict him in want he wants to do with that time, but maybe an offer to go for a walk and let him direct the chat.

Yes. I lost my mum three years ago and it’s her birthday today, it was mine yesterday. As my birthday has been shared with her since I was born I always feel sad around this time and it lifts the memories to the surface.

Your son is growing up and probably looking at his dad from new angles as he matures as well as grieving. If he feels he needs the day then talk to him and allow him to talk freely about his dad and the memories if he needs to.

But you did jump to conclusions, stating “If it’s an excuse to stay home, play computer games and/or watch porn, then hmmmmm”.

Where in the OP did it state anything to do with the above? I really doubt a grieving child would be watching illicit material on the anniversary of their father’s death.

Because it'll usually be in the holidays, for starters.

As he's 12, there are 4 more years tops after this where OP will actually get a say. Unless it's next Monday, and I suspect it isn't on the information given, it'll fall at the weekend for at least one of those 4. And with the dates Easter falls over the next 4 years, it's really likely he'll be on holiday for all but one of them. The issue may never arise again after this year.

As a fellow young widow with same age DC I would 100 percent allow this. I have a day off work to remember DH, why shouldn’t the kids?

I hope the day passes peacefully for you all

WTF is this?!

He's a young boy who lost his dad. He has to live every single day for the rest of his life without his father.

Taking time out to remember and to acknowledge his grief is not "wallowing". Even if it's on the anniversary, on fathers day, on his dad's birthday - so what!

Good. As he should. He lost his dad. As a child. Of course he should have the time off. Every single year.
Jesus.

I genuinely don't see an issue with keeping him off on the day of his dad's anniversary. He can be at home in peace to think and remember. Missing one day of school is not going to harm in in anyway.

And also, everyone on this thread who hasn’t been in this situation and is being incredibly harsh, just count yourselves very fucking lucky this isn’t a choice you have to make. And jog on.

I would absolutely let him.have the day with you. All the posters saying you are setting a precedent....he will not be 12 forever, he might not want or need the day off in years to come but right now if that's right for you two I don't see why not. He's a child dealing with a huge loss 🩷

Christ almighty. I am baffled by some of these replies. He's a child, his Dad has died, and all he is asking for is 1 day off. He has full attendance. Taking the day off won't harm him academically.

So what if he then expects it every year. As the OP stated, it has fallen in half term before. Some years it will be a weekend day.

I

Of course, and he'd be expected to do it using a day's leave, not sickness or bereavement leave.

You say you are all for building resilience in children, yet you can't see that this is an opportunity to do it. That's not to say that the anniversary of his dad's death should be ignored or his feelings should be swept under the carpet, or he should be dissuaded from talking about it. All of that can be done and a day at school can still be had, because that's building resilience.

Genuinely shocked by the responses here. I thought everyone would be in support.
Minimising his grief now will only cause more issues for him later. Resilience is not borne from ignoring and pretending and sweeping it under a rug. It’s allowing people to feel what they feel when they feel it.
Believe me if he doesn’t deal with it now, he will have a very hard time as an adult.
A day of school a year seems reasonable to me. I have a day off work for every trauma anniversary I have. Why the hell shouldn’t I?

No that’s ignoring his feelings. He has asked for the day off. He is being extremely mature pre emoting how he might feel. Pushing him into school is not building resilience it’s telling him his feelings don’t matter and he should always push through.
Why on earth do we put so much onus on work and school. Yes we must pay bills but taking a holiday day for a bereavement anniversary won’t lose him a job.

Let him stay off, it is only 3 years, and he was just 9 when his dad died.

I'm so sorry.

Nope completely disagree with this. Sorry I truly believe you're wrong and I won't change my mind. The kids got full attendance and wants one day off to deal with his grief on the anniversary of his dad's death.

In my opinion it is totally heartless to disregard this request and I don't believe using the death of a child's parent to attempt to build resilience is the correct approach. Grief is so hard and it is not linear it does not get better day by day. Some days can feel unbearable and I wouldn't force myself into work on those days so I certainly wouldn't force a child to school either.

My dad died about same age as your son was. I would give him any day off he wanted the value of you acknowledging his grief is huge & I promise it's far better for him to grieve now than repress it all until later.

The only time I had off school was the afternoon of the funeral, his anniversary was only for grownups so I had to try to work out when it was as I got older.

please take the day to talk about his dad & mark him in some way.

Agreed and the obsession with perfect school attendance is just nonsense

I work in a school office and I agree he should have the day off. We would most likely authorise this absence as exceptional circumstances. Talk to the school

I can’t believe some of the harsh responses on this thread. No wonder this country is in the grip of a mental health crisis.

He’s had an absolutely tragic thing happen at a young age. Just in getting through it, he’s already shown enormous resilience.

He sounds self aware and as though he knows what he needs to do to look after himself on a difficult day. Good on him, and I think he should be allowed to stay off.

Best wishes to you, OP, and I’m so sorry this has happened to you and your DS.

It's hard to say which is more clueless, the nonsense about building resilience or the people who are talking about precedents without even looking at a calendar.

He's 12 - if this helps him, then do it.

I would let him have a day off every year and go to his dad’s grave and do something his dad would’ve enjoyed every year to remember him by. What’s 1 day out of a whole year?

Yes, let him take the day off. Why does he hate school?