Day off for dads death

[Noideawhatimdoing40]

My son is 12 and his dad died almost 3 years ago. Next week is the anniversary of his death and he has asked if he can stay home for the day. Aibu sending him in? He’s got full attendance so far and is a great kid all round, but hates school despite being incredibly studious. Please can I have honest opinions. I feel torn. The previous two years I think fell during the Easter half terms so was not an issue.

Yeah, team off from me too
💐

Why can't he have it off every year?

Let him take the day off x

OP PLEASE listen to us posters who have experience in this area of loss. Please let him have the day. It’s so important to listen to his needs. As a PP said, he obviously is already a pretty resilient kid to keep up with great school attendance through losing his Dad. It’s ONE day. And the school will likely grant it as exceptional circumstances or something. But who cares anyway, he needs the day whatever.

I'm so glad I live in Scotland where there’s none of this ridiculous attendance/fine/you can’t go to the end of term party without 100% etc absolute nonsense.

My mum died very close to my birthday 11 years ago. I use my annual leave anyway as we go away but i would choose not to work that day. I don’t think it’s unreasonable for him to be off at all. Grief doesn’t just disappear we just learn to live with it.

What is he going to do that day ?

will you be at home with him ?

or will you be at work ?

This.

Well of course people use annual leave. Someone close to me lost their mum on Christmas Eve, and their dad on New Year's Day (a year and a week later.) They have not worked Christmas Eve or New Year's Day since. (Was 15 years ago now.) And yeah, their workplace is open those days. Not sure how long they will keep doing it, but they still feel the need 15 years later. (And they were also quite young when they died - 23-24.) The parents never saw their grandchildren, or this person get married. But yeah, the do use holiday leave.

How does he know? I think he'd be better off in school & you can arrange something special to do him.

So what? I have taken my daughter out of school on the anniversary of her father’s death. I can not see any reason not to. It won’t carry on forever and so what if it does. Humanity and caring costs nothing and means so much

@TwigletsAndRadishesand you can get in the bin too - grief isn’t something that gets easier year by year as a nice neat line towards “getting over it” FFS.

Every milestone in this young child’s life, his father will be missing and he will feel that, and wish things could have been different. As he grows, the magnitude of the loss will stay with him as his emotional awareness grows too. Such an ignorant response you’ve given.

Bollocks

And that’s a bad thing because?

I'd let him, without a shadow of a doubt. Even if he does spend the day gaming. Whatever he needs to get him through the day. And if it's every year, so what?

I would of let him off school, but would plan a really special thing to do afterwards. Let him choose.

Its probably going to be in the Easter holidays again in future, so you won't have this every year.

Would that be a bad thing?

I’d say yes OP, I can’t imagine going into school feeling the way he is going to.

I'd let him take the day off and spend it with him, go for a country walk or a stroll along the beach and somewhere for lunch and home for a snuggle on the sofa. Let him know it's OK to cry/talk about his dad/laugh about a fond memory.

He's 12, he misses his dad, he's allowed to grieve!

Why can't he have it off every year if he wants and who said he's going to want or need the day off every year? Some adults religiously have their bdays off from work every year but we are telling a child you can't have a day off , for your dad, this year in case you want it off every year? Seriously no!! We can deal with next year, next year or we can have a conversation like another poster said about how said child is feeling in general so his grief is supported.

"It's time to gently encourage him to to remember fondly, not wallow in grief."

Very definitely do NOT to this.

I can only talk about the kind of traumatic grief that I am familiar with, but when a parent dies young, a child cannot avoid experiencing their absence every day, if for no other reason that that most of their peers will have two parents who are visibly present.

The experience of the death can feel isolating, because who wants to hear about something that is so sad, and after a while, particularly if you move schools, few people in your daily life will remember your parent as a living person.

You also suffer the loss of your parent seeing you as you grow and change, and can only remember relating to them as a younger version of yourself.

None of this is wallowing. It's just fact. Of course life has to go on, and it does. Humans are naturally resilient. The OP's child has a good attendance record and does not routinely skip school.

But there is no point when the father will not be missing, and taking a day this year to acknowledge that seems very healthy.

It’s likely to fall in the school holidays most years - Easter is very late this year. So I would let him take the day off, tbh, and plan to do something lovely together where you can remember all the great things about his dad.

This

I'll let him stay off and do something lovely with him. Losing your dad young is shit. Particularly now he's heading into his teens, he's probably having different thoughts about it all as he's getting older.

You know your dc and if he is attempting to use the anniversary as an opportunity to get out of school (which you say he hates) or if he genuinely needs the day off to cope with ongoing grief.

It is important for kids to be shown through your actions that their education, which school attendance is a big part of, is important. However, in these circumstances if he needs support that day that should take priority.

That support could potentially be in or out of school, and when you make the decision this year, consider the precedent you might be setting and how you are going to handle in future years. Can you encourage him to go to school if you think he will be ok, but do something special to remember his dad in the evening or weekend instead?

I'm reflecting on the responses here and wondering if I have got it completely wrong. I just asked my husband the same question in the OP without telling him anything about my thoughts on the matter. I've always tend to be a bit more 'bad cop' on parenting issues, and a bit more hard nosed than him in general. He's the softie of the two of us.

He answered 'No' without missing a beat. I asked why not and engaged him in debate a bit, presenting the other side of the argument as it's been put to me by some of you, and it was still an emphatic no from him.

I wonder if it's a generational thing. Both of us around 60, give or take. We are not hardened or unfeeling or Victorian by any stretch, but I think you are parenting in a different era and a different way to how we did. And children now are very different as a result. Make of that what you will.

Do you mean he said no as in the child must go to school ? I think when you say parenting was different before and that's why kids are different now is true but the reason we parent different is because certain generations were too harsh.. no allowances were made, so a new generation has become too soft. There's a middle and actually in this situation where a child has lost his dad, he needs empthy and support not tough love, that's not to say yes we should indulge our children in self pity but showing love during trauma is not being soft on our kids. Dealing with grief is not a weakness.. its a process we go through to get to the other side.