Day off for dads death

[Noideawhatimdoing40]

My son is 12 and his dad died almost 3 years ago. Next week is the anniversary of his death and he has asked if he can stay home for the day. Aibu sending him in? He’s got full attendance so far and is a great kid all round, but hates school despite being incredibly studious. Please can I have honest opinions. I feel torn. The previous two years I think fell during the Easter half terms so was not an issue.

I lost someone 3 years ago and I still have wobbles now and again. I'm a full grown woman!

When I was a kid mum would let me have days off sporadically if I needed them, now I think we'd call them mental health days. I was a good kid, worked hard, had good grades. Her reasoning was that sometimes adults just need a day off and we can book holidays, kids don't have that privilege because the government dictate when they should/shouldn't be in school and there's no room for individual circumstances. So if I needed a day to chill or whatever then we'd talk about it, look at when it would be suitable for both of us and she'd call me in sick.

I really appreciate those days, and even now 20 years later it's instilled a foundation of the importance of self care and that sometimes it's okay to do these things. Especially when you're otherwise a hard working, good person who shows up the rest of the time. It also really helped my relationship with my mum, mutual trust and understanding and all sorts. This was all without any grief.

So yes, I'd absolutely be granting him the day off, for as many years as he wanted it.

He will find other easons for more dyas off- you don't have time off for bereavement on anniversaries- or no one would ever be in school/work.

Lots of people take a day’s annual leave for anniversaries. Obviously your colleagues wouldn’t tell someone as unsympathetic as you what they were doing.

The fact that he’s asked and hasnt before would make me say yes , grief affect different people at different times and in different ways.He is a little older now and has realized what he’s lost , give him the day off and spend it together x

He's been gone for a quarter of this child's life. The memory of his death will always be sad, but each day needs to get a little better and each year a bit better than the last. It has to, or you don't cope. Children aren't coping emotionally left, right and centre at the moment, so whatever we think we are doing to help them with this, it clearly isn't working. The more we tell them that there is no stigma in being sad or anxious or avoidant, the more fragile they seem to become. Some gentle encouragement to be brave and carry on might be more appropriate instead of treating everyone with kid gloves.

Life goes on and a normal life is what his dad would want for him. What is he going to do on a day off that can't be done after school? Do you think his dad would prefer him to sit at home feeling sad the whole day, or be distracted by a normal day at school, then to remember his dad fondly in some way with a special dinner with his mum, or walk to his favourite place, or watching his favourite film together after school?

I don't think anyone's grief should be swept under the carpet, but after three years I'd hope he was in a place where needing to take a day off school would not be a requirement. If he feels it is, and he can't cope without it then he hasn't dealt with his loss properly. A day off school isn't going to change that. If he needs counselling to come to terms with his dad's death then the OP should seek some for him. But if not, then he should live his life as normal and go to school. Only she knows her son's character and how he copes day to day. But I do think if he lacks emotional resilience in general then allowing this isn't going to help him overcome that.

You know your child. I am surprised at some of the responses on here and would say though as someone who lost their parents as a child that minimising feelings of bereavement and grief aren't helpful.

I’d let him tbh
even if he wants that day off every year it’s likely it will fall during Easter holidays again or at a weekend at some point in the next few years of school so won’t have a big impact on his attendance.

I would say have it off but have a clear plan for it to be productive and honour his dad. eg visit his favourite place you enjoyed with husband and dad, share funny stories of him, eat his favourite food for example but if he’s going to wallow playing video games then being with friends at school may be better?
Winston’s wish is a good idea as others have said and their resources are free to print.
how do you mark it or not? I sometimes have time off for my mum and sometimes not but always acknowledge the day in some form

I'd let him stay off. It would hardly be a terrible thing if he did expect it every year, but in any case, if it's the first week of April it will often fall in the school holidays.

I’m sorry, but no I don’t think you should let him have the day off. If this year, why not every year? That would not be healthy.

He might be sad but it’s better for him to be at school with other things to occupy his mind than to be at home with no particular aim.

How about suggesting you both have a special meal together in the evening to talk about all the good memories of his father.

My guess is that a lot of the posters who are saying he should go in haven’t lost a parent. Grief is very personal and he may not in the past said anything to you on the anniversary of his dad’s death but he is this year. It’s one day and he may only want to sit on his PlayStation all day but 30 years after my mum’s death I still don’t want to get out of bed on the anniversary.

I would absolutely keep him at home. I'd tell the school why too, I can't imagine they will have a problem with it especially since his attendance is so good.

Good point about FD. I'd forgotten that.

What on earth is wrong with you jumping to very bizarre conclusions?! Absolutely disgusting. This is a CHILD.

Seems like lots of these commenters saying to send him in perhaps haven’t been through the trauma of losing a parent young? I lost a parent aged 10 and it was horrific. Frankly I ended up going to school on the first anniversary and vomiting and fainting because I felt so unwell (physically and mentallty).

Why wouldn’t you do something to make them feel better? Especially if their attendance is excellent.

Yes I would allow him, it is an emotional day. Everyone deals with grief differently.

Agreed. Do something with him to remember his dad. That’s more important than missing school for a day. Grief does not decrease linearly. There are ebbs and flows. There will get to be the day he feels OK going to school.

Let him take it off. I'm taking a day off for the anniversary of my parent's death. You never know how it's going to hit you.

There are so many posts on MN about Adolescence and how boys are indoctrinated into toxic masculinity, about how we can stop it happening when they aren’t taught to feel their feelings etc. Now here you see a boy ask for a very reasonable adjustment in order to care for his mental health and we have the “just get on with it” brigade out in force.

But what if he feels he needs this every year? What if at age 25 he still books annual leave from work to mark his father’s passing?

And What on God’s green earth is wrong with that, exactly? Heartless bastards. He’s a 12 year old child.

Yes, why not every year, if that is what this child needs to grieve his father. It would be perfectly reasonable. Why would one say a year be unhealthy?

So many people with a compassion bypass on this thread.

This is a gross way of viewing this. Porn, really? He’s 12. Posts like this, lacking any compassion, are the worst.

and I’m the mum of an older teen boy so I’m not in lalaland about boys at all!

OP let him have the day to reflect and grieve. He has asked so needs it.

@Denimwondersuit I’m not jumping to any conclusions. I’m asking what a day off actually means in this context and this request. And, you are referring to a person in high school not reception!

Mark the anniversary after school. Both can be done.

I don’t think he should be obliged or pressured to do something meaningful to remember his dad although I expect you will have that conversation with him. He is clearly not the sort of child who begs for days off to sit in gaming. If he wants to spend this particular day like that why does it matter?

Sorry to post again but there some absolutely shockingly harsh responses on here. He is a child who's lost a parent!

I'm a grown woman and I really struggle on the anniversary of my dad's death. My Mum is 70 years old and had a cry on the anniversary of her Mums death last year.

I am all for building resilience in children but there are other opportunities to do this. Dealing with grief is hard and if he needs the day then I see nothing wrong in that.

And in 10 years when he's an adult in work and he feels like he needs the day then he can absolutely take a days annual leave just like I did this year.

The "porn" comment is disgusting.