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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Day off for dads death

469 replies

Noideawhatimdoing40 · 26/03/2025 07:36

My son is 12 and his dad died almost 3 years ago. Next week is the anniversary of his death and he has asked if he can stay home for the day. Aibu sending him in? He’s got full attendance so far and is a great kid all round, but hates school despite being incredibly studious. Please can I have honest opinions. I feel torn. The previous two years I think fell during the Easter half terms so was not an issue.

OP posts:
nessiesnotreal · 26/03/2025 14:47

Is there anything in particular he wants to do to mark the occasion?

I would definitely let him, he is 12 and if he is going to have a shit day at school anyway because he is just upset about his Dad then what is the problem with that? It is a no brainer for me and shows some compassion.

Newusername3kidss · 26/03/2025 14:49

Needspaceforlego · 26/03/2025 07:42

I'd send him in. He can't have his Dads anniversary off every year. All firsts are hard.

Although I think I'd be prepared to pick him up early if he's really upset. And if possible be home before him or ask his Grandparents if they can be there for him coming home. I just wouldn't want him coming home to an empty house

Why can’t he have the day off every year? He’s lost his dad.

Personally I’d take him out and go do something lovely together. So what if he misses one day off school? His mental health and showing him you are there for him is way more important.

Stormtee · 26/03/2025 14:51

TwigletsAndRadishes · 26/03/2025 12:36

I didn't ask him because he was an all-knowing man. I asked him because he was the only other person in the house. Most of the people on this thread aren't qualified as you describe either, so regardless of their thoughts on the matter their opinion carries no more weight than mine or his, by your logic.

I hope you are not some sort of trauma counsellor or psychologist because your communication style is reactive, rude, aggressive and immature.

Edited
Show quote history

I don’t think it’s your age. My 75 year old Mum would have given a day off for this. We had pretty good school
attendance but she knew when to give a little.

cadburyegg · 26/03/2025 14:59

i think I would allow it considering he has full attendance this year.

perfectlyimperfectt · 26/03/2025 15:33

Vaxtable · 26/03/2025 14:18

He would be going in. He’s now of an age to understand that it maybe a tough day for him, but he still has to carry on with life

You’re a delight aren’t you! 🙄🙄

BIossomtoes · 26/03/2025 15:34

I wonder if it's a generational thing. Both of us around 60, give or take

Probably not. I think he should get the day off and I’m 71. No way would I force a grieving child who has asked for some space to go to school. I think it’s an empathy thing.

Rockmehardplace · 26/03/2025 15:38

I would. As he was so young when his dad died, he will be almost re-living the grief as he ages and has more understanding about what he has lost.

Rockmehardplace · 26/03/2025 15:39

I would. As he was so young when his dad died, he will be almost re-living the grief as he ages and has more understanding about what he has lost.

aspidernamedfluffy · 26/03/2025 16:09

Vaxtable · 26/03/2025 14:18

He would be going in. He’s now of an age to understand that it maybe a tough day for him, but he still has to carry on with life

You're quite right he's 12, nearly a man so a stiff upper lip is what's needed and no showing any emotion, big boys don't cry and all that.

Or better yet...he's 12, he has 364 days to "carry on with life", so for 1 day he should be free to do whatever it takes to get him through the day and if that means being by himself/with mates/crying then let him. I'm amazed at how many posters thing that a CHILD should be expected to behave as an adult when it comes to controlling their grief.

powershowerforanhour · 26/03/2025 16:09

"See that would partly be my fear that sooner or later something important will land on the anniversary.
Which will be doubly hard if he's never had to do something on that day."

You're hoping for what's known in animal behaviour terms as habituation. Whereas there is a chance he'll experience flooding, which is pretty aversive and doesn't usually lead to the outcome you want.

Voerendaal · 26/03/2025 16:12

Please please allow your son to have the day off and utilise it together to remember his dad. My dad died suddenly when I was 14 and my husband died suddenly when our daughter was 10. I know how it feels. The hardest thing I felt and my daughter feels the same is that kids at school have no comprehension and cannot empathise. They will happily be having a conversation about their dad while your child is feeling vulnerable. So school is not necessarily a good place to be. Just bd led by your child and their grief - it is so important .
I can’t see any more posts from you - I really do hope you have read the whole thread as there is a lot of sense. I suspect that those parents suggesting he has to go to school have not lost a parent when they were young

butterflycr · 26/03/2025 16:21

NotAWandererAnyLonger · 26/03/2025 14:33

I'm not suggesting for one moment that is a guaranteed outcome...just that I have seen, time and time again, how ongoing school refusal can start with one incident/exception and become habitual.

No-one on this thread, besides the OP is in a position to make that judgement call.

It's great that the lad is getting good attendance and is academically able, but if he hates school I would be questioning why. I would be concerned that maybe other kids have said things about his dad and that was why he didn't like school and specifically didn't feel able to go in on the anniversary.

It's more than likely if it's the first year he's had to go into school on the day he's feeling anxious about it...again why? Does he feel he'll be bullied if he gets upset, does he not have a trusted adult at school he can confide in if needs be?

Is it more that he needs the day to grieve or that he's simply feeling anxious at being in a different environment on the day for the first time...which is understandable, but sometimes we have to try and push through those feelings.

Taking the professional hat off (16 years experience working with kids and families, qualifications in CYP mental health and counselling and halfway through a degree in child development and psychology so you'll forgive me if I don't use your inverted commas)...

...if this was my child, I would ask them what they wanted to do to remember their dad out of school time that day and gently encourage them to try and go in, maybe with a lunchtime pick if that helped to facilitate what they chose to do in remembrance. I'd make the relevant people at school aware...and if it came to the day and they felt they really couldn't manage it, then I'd let them stay at home. I simply wouldn't put in place an automatic fait accompli a week in advance.

Show quote history

I'm not going to get into a qualifications match with you but I have more than you both academically and in terms of experience, and that's not what this is about anyway.

Your professional experience is entirely irrelevant because there is no information given, other than that this child has full attendance, despite disliking school.

That is no basis at all to make such leaps and assumptions and just because you may have seen a number of school refusers, does not mean that a child wanting a day off to commemorate their father's untimely death is going to spiral out of control.

There is nothing to indicate in OP's posts that there are any issues at all around school refusal. You are extrapolating from very little information.

Mischance · 26/03/2025 16:45

powershowerforanhour · 26/03/2025 14:36

Good grief. I consider myself to have the emotional IQ of a breeze block and I couldn't even tell you the dates of my parents' deaths, but I would say a whole hearted yes to his request. No strings attached. No "don't make this a habit young man, you needn't think you're getting it off next year". No "I hope this is genuine and you're not just swinging the lead, I have my suspicions". And no "gently" explaining that you know what's best for him and that you are "gently" going to make him go to school but he can gently have some gentle special cake afterwards.

Fuck I hate that "Gently tell him" crap that's all over mumsnet. Deeds not words. If you are going to gently tell him to go to school for that one day, you might as well bluntly tell him, "Grieving the anniversary of your father's death and reflecting on the fact that he's dead and you'll never see him again ever and all of your schoolmates are going to grow up with alive daddies except you is not a day long procedure. The only available appointment slot is 3.45pm- 6pm. Then room tidying and dinner and homework, though I may consider deferral of the homework till the next day to allow some more socially acceptable grieving from 7-8.30pm. "

He's as resilient as a Kevlar vest that boy. For one day out of 365 I'd let him take the day and if he wants to do beach walks and memories, fine; if he wants to lie under the duvet crying his heart out all day till his throat is raw and he has a splitting headache, fine; if he wants to drop the backpack, completely zone out and spend all day till midnight gaming and eating crisps then pick up the load and carry on the next day, fine.

This absolutely.

He is 12 - he was 9 when his Dad died. All this stuff about him expecting to take a day off every year in perpetuity is utter nonsense. A day off is what he needs NOW, when he is just a child.

He has done so well to soldier on in a school he hates, day in day out - all he needs is a short space of time to think of his Dad and be with his Mum.

WontBeUsingPassMyParcelAgain · 26/03/2025 17:06

ScentOfAMoomin · 26/03/2025 07:38

I would send him in - would you take a day off work for the anniversary? I suspect most would not.

Yes, sometimes I do for my late husband. It depends how I feel in the run up to it. It's a very strange day and I often feel really out of sorts so prefer to do something nice on the day, rather than be hit with flashbacks or thoughts of 'this time x years ago, everything was fine' at work.

WontBeUsingPassMyParcelAgain · 26/03/2025 17:13

How does he know?! Because kids at that age remember the date the most significant thing in their life ever happened! (Widowed parent here..) It's also on gravestones, bench plaques, documents at home and for us it happened on the 25th and he was born on the 25th too. No getting away from it and hoping kids will forget!

Happyonfriday · 26/03/2025 17:17

100% off. he’s been able to collect his thoughts during holidays in the past, this year is different!

SunnySideUK77 · 26/03/2025 17:17

Needspaceforlego · 26/03/2025 07:42

I'd send him in. He can't have his Dads anniversary off every year. All firsts are hard.

Although I think I'd be prepared to pick him up early if he's really upset. And if possible be home before him or ask his Grandparents if they can be there for him coming home. I just wouldn't want him coming home to an empty house

Seriously though, why can’t he?

coribells · 26/03/2025 17:17

Please let home take the day off, it is extremely important for young people to be able to freely grieve in the way they need to , you really can’t do this at school .

Candlecharge01 · 26/03/2025 17:20

powershowerforanhour · 26/03/2025 14:36

Good grief. I consider myself to have the emotional IQ of a breeze block and I couldn't even tell you the dates of my parents' deaths, but I would say a whole hearted yes to his request. No strings attached. No "don't make this a habit young man, you needn't think you're getting it off next year". No "I hope this is genuine and you're not just swinging the lead, I have my suspicions". And no "gently" explaining that you know what's best for him and that you are "gently" going to make him go to school but he can gently have some gentle special cake afterwards.

Fuck I hate that "Gently tell him" crap that's all over mumsnet. Deeds not words. If you are going to gently tell him to go to school for that one day, you might as well bluntly tell him, "Grieving the anniversary of your father's death and reflecting on the fact that he's dead and you'll never see him again ever and all of your schoolmates are going to grow up with alive daddies except you is not a day long procedure. The only available appointment slot is 3.45pm- 6pm. Then room tidying and dinner and homework, though I may consider deferral of the homework till the next day to allow some more socially acceptable grieving from 7-8.30pm. "

He's as resilient as a Kevlar vest that boy. For one day out of 365 I'd let him take the day and if he wants to do beach walks and memories, fine; if he wants to lie under the duvet crying his heart out all day till his throat is raw and he has a splitting headache, fine; if he wants to drop the backpack, completely zone out and spend all day till midnight gaming and eating crisps then pick up the load and carry on the next day, fine.

This is a bloody brilliant post!

Padz · 26/03/2025 17:23

He’s only 12! Mental health is far more important than anything else especially at this age!

notatinydancer · 26/03/2025 17:25

Maddy70 · 26/03/2025 07:44

Are you setting a precedent of expected mourning on that date by doing this. He would be far better at school with his friends being distracted

It’s not expected mourning. It’s marking the anniversary of his father’s death. I’d let him stay off.

HobbyHorse30 · 26/03/2025 17:26

Some of these PP’s appear to have no concept of compassion, empathy, or dealing with grief. Who says he can’t have it off every year, and why shouldn’t he? This kid’s dad died when he was 9 years old, have some compassion. Also, why does he need to do something meaningful with his day off? Why should random adults dictate that he can only use the time for something meaningful and not for gaming? If that’s how the lad wants to cope with that day then maybe just let him?

I’m all for building resilience and coping strategies, but people are allowed to be sad FFS.

PalmTreeAngel · 26/03/2025 17:26

Promote autonomy.

I think it’s okay for him to take the day off should he wish. It’s hard losing a parent, particularly as a child. Such a deep grief and it never goes away.

PalmTreeAngel · 26/03/2025 17:27

HobbyHorse30 · 26/03/2025 17:26

Some of these PP’s appear to have no concept of compassion, empathy, or dealing with grief. Who says he can’t have it off every year, and why shouldn’t he? This kid’s dad died when he was 9 years old, have some compassion. Also, why does he need to do something meaningful with his day off? Why should random adults dictate that he can only use the time for something meaningful and not for gaming? If that’s how the lad wants to cope with that day then maybe just let him?

I’m all for building resilience and coping strategies, but people are allowed to be sad FFS.

Sadly I’m not surprised by the lack of empathy or compassion anymore. It’s almost typical and predictable of Mumsnet now.

CountryQueen · 26/03/2025 17:27

Needspaceforlego · 26/03/2025 07:42

I'd send him in. He can't have his Dads anniversary off every year. All firsts are hard.

Although I think I'd be prepared to pick him up early if he's really upset. And if possible be home before him or ask his Grandparents if they can be there for him coming home. I just wouldn't want him coming home to an empty house

Are you going to tell us why he can’t have the day off every year?

OP let him have the day off. Let him grieve how he needs to. Go and tell the school that he won’t be in and why. They should authorise it but who cares if they don’t?

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