Day off for dads death

[Noideawhatimdoing40]

My son is 12 and his dad died almost 3 years ago. Next week is the anniversary of his death and he has asked if he can stay home for the day. Aibu sending him in? He’s got full attendance so far and is a great kid all round, but hates school despite being incredibly studious. Please can I have honest opinions. I feel torn. The previous two years I think fell during the Easter half terms so was not an issue.

I would 100% let him stay home & if he asks to do it every year I would let him. He is asking for help & you are the only one who can give him it. He has a whole lifetime to spend without his dad, there's no logical reason why you can't make it a bit easier on the anniversary of his death. School attendance is of course important, but so is your son feeling supported on a difficult day. He may well be sick at some point during the school year & would need to be off anyway so may not have perfect attendance.

It’s coming up to the three year anniversary of losing my 22 year old son and I have decided to completely ignore it this year because I don’t want to get into the habit of it becoming a yearly thing that I expect. Yes I’m being sarcastic btw.
Fuck sake lol “he’ll expect it every other year” as if it’s an unreasonable thing to ask for on the anniversary of losing one of his parents

Twice I can remember my parents going against the rules, two v different occasions, and I still remember and appreciate it so much. Neither time did I think I'd got one over or that it would always happen. They're gone now but those two occasions speak to me still about the parents they were ❤️

Also, resilience is built by loving relationships that get you through the tough times, not sticking children into harsh situations or trying to distract them..

As someone who has lost a parent, definitely.

keep him off and do something nice on the day to remember his Dad by , I am honestly shocked by folk saying to send him to school

Honestly, why wouldn't you?

If he expects it every year - so what? One day a year.

I have no experience of this but would be led by the child - if he wants to stay off school, let him.

I didn't ask him because he was an all-knowing man. I asked him because he was the only other person in the house. Most of the people on this thread aren't qualified as you describe either, so regardless of their thoughts on the matter their opinion carries no more weight than mine or his, by your logic.

I hope you are not some sort of trauma counsellor or psychologist because your communication style is reactive, rude, aggressive and immature.

I disagree. It’s not a competition to see who can show most compassion. Obviously the OP is the one who knows her child best, but people do not usually need a day off to grieve three years after the event.

My father died suddenly when I was six. My mother, my siblings and I had a sad day commemorating his death every year, but my mother had to go work and we had to go to school. We got the message that life has to carry on.

If the OP thinks her son really needs to stay at home, that’s different.

But if the

I would let him have the anniversary off this year but encourage him to consider taking the nearest weekend day in future years as the day to mark the loss of his father.

Listen to yourself.

This is a child whose dad died. He’s not looking for a jolly.

What would be wrong with him wanting that every year, for quiet contemplation or however he wants to remember his dad?

OP we have been through this, with DD now 28. I recommend that you allow it- show him that his feelings matter.

Jeez, my younger brother died nearly 13 years ago and I still take his anniversary off so that I can connect with my family and take time to remember him in my own way. Your son lost his dad only 3 years ago, I would absolutely allow him the day to do what he needs to either grieve or remember him.

There probably isn't a right or wrong answer but one thing you wouldn't want to happen is for the first time he HAS to do something one the anniversary is for it to be something important like a exam or job interview.

Or for him to feel guilty about wanting to go on a school trip or something.

Why, in your "professional experience" do you think "something may be going on"?

Again, this is a kid with full attendance DESPITE the fact that he doesn't like school. There is no emerging pattern here. It is the anniversary of his dad's death.

Working with kids/ teens (and I do too FWIW), does not make you a mind reader or fortune teller. There is no foundation whatsoever in anything OP has said for a concern that this is going to "become a regular request".

I would let him have the day off. If he wanted it off every year, I’d allow that too (assuming it didn’t conflict with anything vitally important).

He would be going in. He’s now of an age to understand that it maybe a tough day for him, but he still has to carry on with life

Why does he have to though?

he is a 12 year old who has been through a massive trauma. If he needs one day a year to help deal with that why can’t he?

I am sure some people think feelings are a bad thing and everyone should just be emotionless.

I'm sure he's more than aware 'he still has to carry on with life'.

See that would partly be my fear that sooner or later something important will land on the anniversary.
Which will be doubly hard if he's never had to do something on that day.

Grief - understanding, processing, feeling, allowing time and space for emotions - is a part of life.

He's not stopping his life by taking a day to process trauma, remember his dad.

He's very much living it and experiencing it. That is life.

It's more important for him to take a day to process this huge event than it is to have one more unmemorable day at school.

He has full attendance, there is no pattern of absence or asking for days off, and school will still be there tomorrow.

Thing is, it's usually going to be over the Easter holidays. When he's working, he'll have annual leave he can use, and when he's still in education, he'll hardly ever be in on that day.

There may very well come a time in his life where he has some totally non-negotiable commitment. Or not. But there's no reason to imagine forcing him to go in when he's 12 is going to make it any easier to deal with a problem that might not arise for many years.

I'm not suggesting for one moment that is a guaranteed outcome...just that I have seen, time and time again, how ongoing school refusal can start with one incident/exception and become habitual.

No-one on this thread, besides the OP is in a position to make that judgement call.

It's great that the lad is getting good attendance and is academically able, but if he hates school I would be questioning why. I would be concerned that maybe other kids have said things about his dad and that was why he didn't like school and specifically didn't feel able to go in on the anniversary.

It's more than likely if it's the first year he's had to go into school on the day he's feeling anxious about it...again why? Does he feel he'll be bullied if he gets upset, does he not have a trusted adult at school he can confide in if needs be?

Is it more that he needs the day to grieve or that he's simply feeling anxious at being in a different environment on the day for the first time...which is understandable, but sometimes we have to try and push through those feelings.

Taking the professional hat off (16 years experience working with kids and families, qualifications in CYP mental health and counselling and halfway through a degree in child development and psychology so you'll forgive me if I don't use your inverted commas)...

...if this was my child, I would ask them what they wanted to do to remember their dad out of school time that day and gently encourage them to try and go in, maybe with a lunchtime pick if that helped to facilitate what they chose to do in remembrance. I'd make the relevant people at school aware...and if it came to the day and they felt they really couldn't manage it, then I'd let them stay at home. I simply wouldn't put in place an automatic fait accompli a week in advance.

He's a child not a grown up. He needs to grieve and not have that taken from him.

Good grief. I consider myself to have the emotional IQ of a breeze block and I couldn't even tell you the dates of my parents' deaths, but I would say a whole hearted yes to his request. No strings attached. No "don't make this a habit young man, you needn't think you're getting it off next year". No "I hope this is genuine and you're not just swinging the lead, I have my suspicions". And no "gently" explaining that you know what's best for him and that you are "gently" going to make him go to school but he can gently have some gentle special cake afterwards.

Fuck I hate that "Gently tell him" crap that's all over mumsnet. Deeds not words. If you are going to gently tell him to go to school for that one day, you might as well bluntly tell him, "Grieving the anniversary of your father's death and reflecting on the fact that he's dead and you'll never see him again ever and all of your schoolmates are going to grow up with alive daddies except you is not a day long procedure. The only available appointment slot is 3.45pm- 6pm. Then room tidying and dinner and homework, though I may consider deferral of the homework till the next day to allow some more socially acceptable grieving from 7-8.30pm. "

He's as resilient as a Kevlar vest that boy. For one day out of 365 I'd let him take the day and if he wants to do beach walks and memories, fine; if he wants to lie under the duvet crying his heart out all day till his throat is raw and he has a splitting headache, fine; if he wants to drop the backpack, completely zone out and spend all day till midnight gaming and eating crisps then pick up the load and carry on the next day, fine.

12 year old boys grieving the loss of their father don't need to be resilient, they need to allow themselves to be explore their feelings and be shown love and compassion. Give him the day off and do something meaningful together. Do it every year if he needs. Missing one day of school isn't going to make a difference later in his life but telling him to get a stiff upper lip may change how he deals with his emotions going forward.

12 year old boys grieving the loss of their father don't need to be resilient, they need to allow themselves to be explore their feelings and be shown love and compassion. Give him the day off and do something meaningful together. Do it every year if he needs. Missing one day of school isn't going to make a difference later in his life but telling him to get a stiff upper lip may change how he deals with his emotions going forward.