Day off for dads death

[Noideawhatimdoing40]

My son is 12 and his dad died almost 3 years ago. Next week is the anniversary of his death and he has asked if he can stay home for the day. Aibu sending him in? He’s got full attendance so far and is a great kid all round, but hates school despite being incredibly studious. Please can I have honest opinions. I feel torn. The previous two years I think fell during the Easter half terms so was not an issue.

Let him have it off. My husband lost his dad 14 years ago and last year was the first year he worked on the anniversary of his death. Sometimes you need time off
His attendance is good, does it actually matter if he wants to take one day off for a few years?

Yes. I book a day off for the anniversary of my DM's death. I just don't want to be around other people and having to pretend to be happy when really I feel very sad. Very personal though and we all grieve in our own ways.

My brother in law died 15 years ago. My sister has 4 children who ranged in age from 5 to 12 when their dad died. Every year without exception they spent that day together - to celebrate their dad's life and if that meant taking a day off school then that is what they did.

OP, I fortunately have not experienced what you and your son are going through, however all my memories from my childhood are how my parents reacted to certain things and how they supported me or not.
There is no time line for grief, you are giving your son permission to feel sad and remember his dad. Allowing him to own that is really important to his emotional well-being, some years he may want to hide away, others he may want to be more social. Either way it’s his grief and no one else’s to own.
Please support him with this. Sending hugs to you both, I know you are trying to prioritise his feelings but remember to look after yourself too ❤️

We aren't talking about children in general. We are talking about a child who lost his father at 9.

My husband would be around 60 now, but I can't ask him what he would think because he is dead.

One thing I learned from his death is perspective, and in the big scheme of things missing the odd day of school for something like this really doesn't matter. It acknowledges his loss, and then life carries on.

His Dad died, but he is doing well at school and has a full attendance record. He is already resilient.

It's not a first, it's been nearly three years.

@TwigletsAndRadishes I am in my 50s and I say let the boy have a day off to grieve because that is what he is asking for. Boys that age find it hard to communicate their feelings, so the fact that he has asked for it must mean he really needs it. It isn't an age or generation thing, it is an empathy and understanding thing.

Yes, his immediate reaction was 'No, he shouldn't be given the day off. He needs to go to school. He can commemorate the day later.'

Yes it is possible. Theres no handbook on how to grieve. He has to take it year by year.

Also he may very well want to just chill and keep his mind off things in his own space, maybe game, maybe cry, maybe visit a grave or do something else in memory. A good parent would allow the space for whatever is needed.

Please let him have the day off if he needs it. I was sent to school on the anniversary of my mum's death as a child (very similar age to your son) and I completely fell apart. It took years before I could cope on that day.

Sorry, also should have added:

certain generations were too harsh.. no allowances were made, so a new generation has become too soft. There's a middle and actually

I completely agree. I don't think I count as being from a generation that was too harsh at all. In general I am not an overly strict or harsh parent in the slightest. I think DH and I do represent the sensible middle ground on most matters.

that's not to say yes we should indulge our children in self pity but showing love during trauma is not being soft on our kids I agree again. I think children these days absolutely are indulged in too much self pity and I think it's an extremely misguided way to parent. We only have to look at the results and the sheer number of children and young people who lack resilience and say they suffer from anxiety and MH issues to see that.

I think in this case, I would absolutely be showing love in trauma, but I'd be explaining gently to my child why I think that, ultimately, it would be better if he could go to school. I wouldn't be dragging him kicking and screaming, though. It's not that important to me to be right.

@TwigletsAndRadishesI am less than 5 years younger than you and I stand by what I’ve said. My experience in this area of traumatic loss as a young person is informing my posts.

I would - especially as he asked.

He'd not get much done at school on that day anyway.

absence note - chat to the office - mention MH etc.

Hope it goes ok.

I would support my child in a mental health day for something like this.

Let him do whatever he wants to do that day. Have the day off yourself and take him somewhere nice. Life's hard enough. I honestly don't understand people who are saying he'll want the day off every year. And? I take all important (to me) anniversaries off, when I can, including bereavement dates. Poor fella lost his Dad at 9 years old - do anything / everything to brighten his day.

Yes, yes he can. And as an adult he could choose to take that day off work. It's perfectly reasonable. We're not robots.

It's only 3 years and he was only 9 when his Dad died. Your feelings and grief change as you get older, they don't go away. My Dad died when I was 19 (my brother was 17) , we had very complicated relationship, and at the time, I was relieved in many ways he had died and I didn't have to deal with some of his extremely challenging behaviour. I am 46 and as I have grown up and had my own kids, my feelings have changed and evolved, and it is really good to have time to reflect on these. I would let him have the day off to do whatever he wants.

Totally agree

I would give him the day off without question, I'm amazed people are even questioning it tbh. I would be guided by him in how he wanted the day to go - if he wanted to do something together or have some quiet time. From my experience, dismissing trauma doesn't work and can breed really destructive issues later on.

Does your all knowing husband have an advanced degree in child development, child psychology, or a qualification in grief counselling, is a bereavement specialist or something? Or is he just a man.

Hang on folks, a MAN is here to explain it all to us silly women, we must listen and obey! FFS.

You’re wrong, your husband is wrong.

I find these things difficult because I don’t get sentimental or upset on anniversary dates of death. I largely don’t even remember the dates in question because to me it’s irrelevant.
I could maybe understand the first year, but 3 years in? Is he struggling? Does he have something he wants to do on the day?
Perhaps suggest he goes to school but you go for pizza/tea out that night?

If he’s going to be distracted and unable to pay attention he might as well stay home, that way he doesn’t have to deal with the intrusive what’s wrong questions, or risk crying etc.

Why the distinction? It's not for us to dictate (or even understand) how someone else deals with their grief.

Let him have the day off

No. Life goes on. Take a minute before school to remember him, let school know that he's feeling fragile, go for a walk to his favourite place after school etc. but no day off.