To think SAHM with young DC deserve more respect

[CheekyFawn]

I work full time but currently on maternity leave looking after my 5 months old baby and a toddler DS who is 3 yo.
I just don't know where my time goes. Between breastfeeding baby, getting DS ready for preschool and tidying up the house, cooking meals etc, it just feels like there is no time at all even to have 5 mins of coffee break. I feel it was much better when I was at work couple of months ago when DS was in nursery that I used to get at least a lunch break for an hour or 30 mins at least or time between meetings to have a coffee and look at my phone in peace. I imagine this is I think how a day looks for SAHM with young DC and it's bloody hard. Many people just assume they are not doing much but I think they deserve more respect.

Isn't it? What's your take on it then?

Basically, my take on it (as with many things these days) is, just get on with it 🤷🏻‍♀️

Anyone who calls being SAHM a job is really over inflating it because of some kind of insecurity. If that’s the choice you made, just own it, and stop looking for validation by equating it paid work all the time.

Being a SAHM is not a job. And it’s certainly nothing like as taxing as actually being in paid work with deadlines, targets, and a wage packet. And even less taxing than being in full time work AND being a parent.

Hmm, "get on with it" - without thinking/discussing/making decisions? You would prefer that people acted impulsively? Aimlessly, perhaps? Recklessly even? After all, it doesn't matter, does it?

And "get on" with what? Whatever you please? Where do you draw the line? Theft? Murder? Listening to Queen in public?

you may have missed my post at the bottom of page 5. It’s a fuller response.

Not by much.

Ok. I mean I guess I just don’t really understand why we need “validation” for raising the children that we chose to have. I love my girls. They make me happy. My work makes me happy (most of the time). I couldn’t give a flying fuck what anyone else thinks about any of that. It’s just interesting to me that it seems that some SAHMs really do care about that. It seems to be important to them that “other people” think the work they do is valid and important. Why care so much? Just get on with it.

Respect 😂
If you don’t feel appreciated you need to talk to the father of your children. Society doesn’t owe you respect / appreciation for deciding to have kids.
I say this as a single parent. If you decide to have kids then get on with the responsibilities that come with this. Your point about kids being the next lot of workers is ridiculous too, I can’t think of anyone I know who had kids as they felt they were fulfilling some kind of moral debt to society and therefore deserve respect for it.

Ok lol you genuinely do sound self assured, which is wonderful.

But, do you really not care when people praise you or thank you? For a job well done? When your kids say they've enjoyed a day out that you've organised? You don't get a nice little feeling of satisfaction? A sense that other people recognise you've used your time and efforts well?

What about the other way round? When you hold a door open for someone and they walk past you without saying anything, do you feel a bit pissed off? At least irked? If you've spent ages cooking a meal and your kids mither you for a McDonald's, do you feel frustrated? If you put a lot of graft into something at work and your boss just loads more demands on you without acknowledging what you've done, do you feel annoyed? That people aren't appreciating the time and energy you have spent on things?

Because those things are all validation and I'd be very surprised to meet a single person who doesn't like getting it or who doesn't bemoan the lack of it when they consider it is deserved.

Oh god this thread is depressing.

Yes they deserve respect. There is a significant level of disrespect which you can see from your responses.

It is really hard work and not work that is valued by society at all. But that’s the patriarchy for you!

From who?

Why would anyone outside your partner need to appreciate someone choosing to stay at home?

What does this appreciation, from the general public, look like?

I have stayed at home and I have worked. I don’t quite understand this stance that people want appreciation from outside their own household for choices they make. If, when I was at home, people trying to show their appreciation I would find it strange. As I would, if they did it over me being a working mum.

If you are feeling unappreciated by your partner, then that’s something you need to deal with. With your partner. Not seek it elsewhere or try and get other people to fill that void.

It is not, which is why many men prefer to work
I went back to work after having all three of my dcs ( who are close in age) because I honestly found staying at home and caring for three children difficult .

I think it depends on the ages of the children. Mine are similar ages to yours OP. I’m also on maternity leave and our days sound similar. Hopefully people aren’t telling you to go back to work when you have a baby under 6 months. However it would be fair advice if all your children were at school all day and you were financially struggling.

If your boss just piles more work and doesn’t acknowledge the work you have done, that’s crap. And yes it would feel shit. But your effort is directly impacting them. Any decent boss would appreciate hard working staff because it directly impacts them.

But the equivalent for a sahm would be a child or partner not appreciating them. Not the general public. If your boss doesn’t appreciate the (as an example) 20 hours you out into a report, someone outside work showing you appreciation for your hard work would be strange. If my other half told me he was proud and appreciated the work I put in to my revenue report, I would laugh.

If your partner, who isn’t your boss but the nearest equivalent in a sahm situation, doesn’t appreciate you and just piles more stuff on you (who else could be not appreciating you and piling more work on you?) all the validation outside the home isn’t going to make you feel better.

If you open a door for someone you have done something that directly has impacted them, even in a small way. Someone being a sahm has no direct impact on anyone else. Just like being a working mum has no direct impact on anyone else.

of course people get frustrated if they have cooked a meal and the people you cooked for would prefer a take away. Again, you have gone to effort of doing something directly for that person. Who is going to say ‘I appreciate you cooking a meal for your child even if your child doesn’t want it’? Surely it would only be your partner or your kids. But thats something you would be teaching your child and they will grasp as they get older. The outside world can’t fill the void of kids not appreciating your effort.

Besides which do you think that doesn’t happen to working parents? Do you show your appreciation to working parents who also cook meals for their children?

I’m a sahm I have a 3 and 4 year old and 5 month old baby. My husband could not respect me more and be more grateful the the sacrifices I’ve made. Anyone else’s opinion I would quickly shut down x

Being a SAHM is so much hard work! I missed being in the office, the company of adults, using my brain, being respected and paid an actual salary.

It’s easier than doing all that AND working full time.

Respect from who ?
Appreciation from who ?
The only person who should appreciate you is your children’s father.

I have a 2.5 year old and a 13 month old at home, it is fucking relentless. The 2.5 year old is a total menace, she has no fear whatsoever and doesn’t seem to have working ears. The 13 month old is just starting to stand which scares the crap out of me because that means I’ll have two little devils running around soon 🤣

It is hard work, I don’t get a minute to myself, I can’t even go for a wee without them trying to climb on my lap. Housework is so hard to get done, I feel like all I do is prepare food, change nappies, tidy up, I just go around in circles. I’m looking forward to nursery now.

I'd get back to work then..
I found it easier than work because I had the autonomy. If I'd had a bad night I could take it easier the next day. Plus I had my coffee breaks at toddler groups, nattering to other mums. Housework was last on my list and looking after and playing with dc was first.

I think they deserve respect but at same time so do mums who do full time jobs with kids, or part time jobs with kids, you don’t automatically get respect for having a kid and staying home

I was a SAHM for 2 years, love my kids to bits, but hated it. Like soul crushingly hated it.

I find working full time so much easier. I'm mentally stimulated, have a sense of completing things, get adult social interaction, getting a lunch break, go toilet in peace. Being a SAHM was just constant drudgery for me, one day bleeding into the next.

The chores as a SAHM were never ending because the kids were always making mess, you were just chasing your tail going in circles cleaning up each new mess. The cleaning I do while working doesn't come close to the cleaning I did at a SAHM because we're out all day not messing up the house.

I'm a much better mum when I'm working because I get to feel like myself, and not just a mum. I've so much time and energy for my kids when I get home, and I miss them and am excited to see them and hear about their day. And they actually have stuff to tell me because we haven't been glued together all day. I look forward to weekends and holidays because they're special and not just more of the same.

I'm just not built for being a SAHM and I found it much much much harder work than working FT.

But if it’s the same amount of work either having a job outside the house or being a sahm as you say it is then they might as well get a job, it will be no harder than being a sahm yet they’ll have more money

Your post doesn’t seem to back up your argument:

do you really not care when people praise you or thank you? For a job well done? When your kids say they've enjoyed a day out that you've organised?
Yes, appreciation from my kids/DH on their behalf, not anyone else.

When you hold a door open for someone and they walk past you without saying anything, do you feel a bit pissed off? At least irked?
Yes, irked at that individual

If you put a lot of graft into something at work and your boss just loads more demands on you without acknowledging what you've done, do you feel annoyed?
Yes, annoyed at my boss

SAHM not being appreciated? Be annoyed at your husband/ partner

I have no problem with anyone coming here but I have problem with your attitude where you want to pretend that bringing up kids is not hard and valuable job and someone else on some other country should do it for you so they can study and come and serve you here. This reeks of entitlement.

Are you suggesting that if more women stayed at home with their children fewer people would migrate to the UK?

Sorry but it sounds like you have just digested tropes from the Daily Express here and spat them back out into a nonsensical argument.

People will still come to this country, legally or illegally, whether or not you go out to work.

Yoir decision to stay at home with your children is completely immaterial to everyone other than your family. Literally no one cares.

And why should they? No one disrespects you but you are not performing a noble sacrifice for society, just making a choice that suits your needs.

This is fine but suggesting it has any bearing on immigration or the way society runs is deluded and self important. Not to mention completely illogical.

OP, not SAHM but mothers with young children in general. It's one time in my life when I felt most targetted for judgemental and misogynistic comments and stupid advice by complete strangers and most vulnerable. If you are already not confident or struggling it's really tough. Some people really seem to hate or resent mothers with young children. I was nearly 30 when I had DD1 and married, owned our own home and was fully qualified in my profession, and a pretty sensible and intelligent human being and found becoming a mother a big change but pretty natural and very much desired. I just thought give me some fucking credit and don't treat me like someone born yesterday, even if I gave birth yesterday.