To think SAHM with young DC deserve more respect

[CheekyFawn]

I work full time but currently on maternity leave looking after my 5 months old baby and a toddler DS who is 3 yo.
I just don't know where my time goes. Between breastfeeding baby, getting DS ready for preschool and tidying up the house, cooking meals etc, it just feels like there is no time at all even to have 5 mins of coffee break. I feel it was much better when I was at work couple of months ago when DS was in nursery that I used to get at least a lunch break for an hour or 30 mins at least or time between meetings to have a coffee and look at my phone in peace. I imagine this is I think how a day looks for SAHM with young DC and it's bloody hard. Many people just assume they are not doing much but I think they deserve more respect.

This.
People who work have holidays and are home with their children all day at weekends etc. We know the difference between being at home with the kids all day and being at work!
If I had the choice (a high earning husband) I would definitely have been a SAHM, purely because it would have been easier than doing a full time job whilst looking after young children.
As it stands I have pretty much run myself ragged for the last 18 years trying to be everything to everyone, the stress has aged me and I believe contributed to my current health issues.
I personally will not be handing out medals to SAHM'S for their efforts.

It’s incredibly demanding and 247.
I wouldn’t stand for a ‘lack of respect’ and nor should you or anyone op. I would challenge anyone to survive on so little sleep and rest night after night. Fortunately I have always felt respected (luckily for them!)

Most mothers need much more support than than they have in the main.

Being a SAHM sounds like hell to me and I have great respect for those that do it. But, it IS a choice to have children and the vast majority of people don’t have children because they feel it’s some kind of public service to secure the future of the nation, they have them because they want to. Great, entirely up to them but, as a net contributor by a very wide margin, i can say with confidence others peoples children will not be paying for me. I don’t think SAHM are more deserving of respect than anyone else, I think if we all treated each other with respect the country would be in a much better state.

It’s not disrespectful to suggest to someone who is having financial difficulties that they might get a job. Being a SAHM comes with a loss of salary - sometimes that’s better, for example if the salary would be less than childcare. And sometimes it isn’t, and if someone is in financial difficulty, then maybe they can’t afford to be a SAHM. None of that is dismissing, criticising, or being disrespectful towards SAHMs. That’s just factual.

We all deserve to be respected as people, and for our right to choose our role in life to be respected. But the only people who need to respect the SAHM for her role are the man and children she performs it for. Its really of no benefit or relevance to anyone else. There are countless threads where SAHMs seem to be seeking the respect of strangers for something that has no value to them. Its been explained why this is many times. If your life is tough, then I empathise with that and if you feel a paid job would be easier for you then discuss with your husband, because there's no reason women have to be the default child carer if they find it more exhausting than working.

That’s applies to most mums be they SAHM or WOHM.
(and dads, acknowledging that in society it’s still mainly the mums that do bulk of the child caring).

I did SAHM a lot it is v hard work -relentless as it starts at whatever hour and ends at ? 8pm. At work you get time to breathe.
DH was away a lot so I did the lot
Only advice is get the DCs out every day.
Mine was before EarPods - a good audiobook would have helped my day.

And the working mothers of today are currently paying for other people's retirement and taking on roles of teachers, doctors, nurses and firefighters, alongside raising the next generation of children to do the same. So why does a woman who chooses to do only the second part deserve special credit for the job?

I've raised a healthy, happy, thriving young adult who volunteers in the community while training to be a doctor.

At the same time, I've been a higher rate tax payer for many years while doing a job that most people would regard as socially useful. I've also contributed my professional skills by volunteering for many years as a school governor and as a charity trustee. And I will be funding my dc through her medical training.

I don't need or deserve any accolades or recognition from anyone. I'm simply living the life that I've chosen for myself.

What is it about your contributions as a SAHP that warrant special appreciation, do you think?

@Longsummerdays25

It’s incredibly demanding and 247.
I wouldn’t stand for a ‘lack of respect’ and nor should you or anyone op. I would challenge anyone to survive on so little sleep and rest night after night. Fortunately I have always felt respected (luckily for them!)

Bur this applies equally to working mothers right?

SAHMs don’t have a monopoly on sleeplessness or hard work.

I find it bizarre that anyone could convince themselves childcare is harder that childcare + full time job. It’s fairly simple maths.

Both are hard in different ways. But no one gets a medal for it.

Well if these are people whose opinion matters to you, tell them you feel disrespected and invalidated by them expressing these opinions, and that as someone who has been both a working mum and a SAHM within the last year, their perception couldn't be less accurate.

This always turns into a sahm vs working mum debate. You shouldn't need external validation for leading the life you have chosen.

Being a sahm is a choice. Ultimately people do what works for their family and good for them. I don't expect universal acknowledgement that I have it hard (at times) as a working mum, with 3 kids and no family support other than my dh. This is the life I have chosen for myself, I'd choose it again so put my best foot forward.

This. The financial aspect is nothing to do with whether or not anyone 'respects' SAHMs, it's about recommending to a single income household that if they are struggling financially, a second income would help.
OP you sounds like you want everyone to thank you for being a SAHM. Most people don't 'disrespect' SAHMs they just don't care either way, it's a personal choice you've made that you feel is right for your family. You do you

@DeepRoseFish

It is really hard work and not work that is valued by society at all. But that’s the patriarchy for you!

But why should society at large ascribe more value to you because you stay at home than it does to me (who works)?

What are you providing to society that I am not? We are both caring for our children. Which is great but honestly why should the country at large care about our childcare arrangements?

And what has this got to do with patriarchy? Surely it’s more beneficial to patriarchy to have women at home (and thus financially dependent) than at work and less financially dependent?

This makes no sense…

You do understand that there are countless people from other countries who want to come to the UK? Are you unaware of the numbers literally dying for the opportunity? PP isn't suggesting we go abroad and force other people into servitude. Merely that if our population reduced, we would actually have space to offer more opportunities to people who want to live and work here. There are millions of children already in the world who would have a greatly improved quality of life living in the UK and contributing to our society, so there isn't a pressing need for UK nationals to have children 'for the greater good'.

dren. Which is great but honestly why should the country at large care about our childcare arrangements?

Because my tax is paying for the free 15 hours

I don’t think anyone needs more respect for looking after their own children.

So are you saying it would be preferable to remove the childcare allowance? How would that benefit women and children?

Being a SAHM and how difficult it is surely depends on the age and needs of the children and also the financial circumstances of the family. If they are relatively well off and can afford to take the children out each day, buy passes to local zoos or farms, go to swimming classes, baby sensory etc then it might be easier than people saying about being stuck at home with young children. Although some of it is mindset, having had 2 under 2 we went out each day for my own sanity, even if I was just pushing them round in the pushchair and walking around a park.
I don't think SAHM deserve more respect from society than anyone else though. As pointed out, working mums still have housework and life admin to deal with when they get home, plus also still could be dealing with a child that wakes through the night and then work a relentless job where they can't just sit and rest (teaching, nursing for example) whereas a SAHM might be able to put the TV of for a bit and make a cup of tea.
Also this thread ignores the rise of SAHD so should we also be bowing down to them in their greatness, especially being men and caring for children?!

This comes back to the age old argument as to whether you think people with jobs are only part time parents?

Because I’m pretty sure that full time working parents ALSO parent full time ( and do all the jobs associated with that)

I couldn’t care less if someone stay at home, it’s not for me, it’s too boring if I’m honest. I don’t judge others that do and with the cost of childcare now I’m sure it makes sense to many families. There is no right or wrong or harder or easier. No one should be disrespectful of these life choices.

The pp who said there are so many variables is spot on , family support is a huge one , a massive advantage. We have and have always had zero…
My 3 dcs are older now and when they were small I worked very part-time wfh and it was honestly fine ( not easy ) but I really enjoyed the freedom of going out to the parks , woods , beaches whenever I wanted , shopping during the quiet times. My toddlers were all very active so needed wearing out so we were out a lot and that gave me time in nature and tbh headspace. I now work in a demanding role and when I think of doing this with 3 small kids , I don’t know how parents of small children do it , constant sickness (especially bad when they are small). It must be so challenging. Also all that housework on top of working , I find that gruelling now. There’s plenty of challenges once they are older.
Honestly it’s very full on as they get older , school holidays, activities, lunches , uniforms, various events , early finishes . Combining that and zero family help is v hard . I genuinely think it’s way harder to work and manage little kids and I was a sahm. I had time to do housework when they were little , I had more time .

I've been a sahm, worked part time & worked full time and all have their perks and challenges. I've never understood the competitiveness over who has it worse or looking down on someone for their choices. All are hard, no one has the right to judge another for doing what's best for their family unit at the time. I found I got more 'hate' when I worked full time with passive aggressive comments like 'I couldn't work full time personally, I just love my kids too much' You're absolutely right though, sahms do get the usual comments that you just dit around drinking coffee all day - if only there was time for that! You just do what works for you, ignore the haters

The maths is not quite that simple. If you are a SAHM it generates more childcare, food prep and cleaning than a WOHM because your child is home all day. I do agree that SAHMs can do things e.g. laundry, preparing dinner that others have to do in the evening and weekend but quite a few tasks aren't needed if your child is in childcare all day e.g. putting a child down for a nap, changing all their daytime nappies, preparing and clearing up lunch, tidying the 101 toys that have been played with (I do realise they will play with some toys after nursery but hopefully less!).

To be honest when I read these threads it makes me think I'm in the wrong job! Like the teacher on page 1, 60 min (or even 30 min) lunch breaks are a fairly rare occurrence and I often end up going hours without time to fill my water bottle! The early days of maternity leave with 2 young children was stressful and relentless trying to meet their competing needs but trying to manage competing work demands is stressful too. I work part time and I think that was great for constantly reminding me both bits of my life had their own challenges and rewards, although obviously full time work is different.

I feel far more respected by society as a SAHM than when I was a working mum, trying to juggle nursery, commute, flexi hours, lack of flexi hours, then the chaos of cramming household chores into evenings. I think people look down on women working and using childcare especially when child is under school age. Being financially ok to give up career and focus on raising a family is a privilege many women don't have.

The only people that should appreciate you are your family . No one else cares. And that goes both ways, the stay at home parent should appreciate the parent that’s working in fill time pay outside of the home .