Page 38 | To think SAHM with young DC deserve more respect

CheekyFawn · 2025-03-25T21:22:27+00:00

I work full time but currently on maternity leave looking after my 5 months old baby and a toddler DS who is 3 yo. I just don't know where my time goes. Between breastfeeding baby, getting DS ready for preschool and tidying up the house, cooking meals etc, it just feels like there is no time at all even to have 5 mins of coffee break. I feel it was much better when I was at work couple of months ago when DS was in nursery that I used to get at least a lunch break for an hour or 30 mins at least or time between meetings to have a coffee and look at my phone in peace. I imagine this is I think how a day looks for SAHM with young DC and it's bloody hard. Many people just assume they are not doing much but I think they deserve more respect.

mainecooncatonahottinroof · 07/04/2025 23:00

OutandAboutMum1821 · 07/04/2025 22:16

Agree entirely- these are good examples. There are certainly a whole host of intrusive questions that I am always shocked to hear people asking others, and would not personally ask myself.

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The very, very worst one is, "congratulations on your pregnancy" when you are not in fact pregnant!!

Our vicar once committed that faux pas. He was a lovely man, a real gentleman in every sense of the word. He greeted me one day on the way out of church and trilled, "oh I see I am going to have another baptism!" He nearly wet himself laughing when I said, "no, I'm just still fat after the last one!"

MerlinsBeard1 · 07/04/2025 23:00

mainecooncatonahottinroof · 07/04/2025 21:12

Indeed it would. Remember that going forward.

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At what point have I slagged off working mums? You're making up scenarios again.

mainecooncatonahottinroof · 07/04/2025 23:02

OutandAboutMum1821 · 07/04/2025 22:13

I also choose the decor and my DH does the bins! 😂 I think this is a common one 😂

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I also chose the children's names. I wish to god I had kept the list that DH wrote for our first, because I pissed myself laughing. The only one I remember is 'Wilhelmina'! Now apologies to all the Wilhelminas out there but imagine a 20 something called that!!!

mainecooncatonahottinroof · 07/04/2025 23:02

MerlinsBeard1 · 07/04/2025 23:00

At what point have I slagged off working mums? You're making up scenarios again.

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You've subtly implied it. I pointed it out at the time.

mainecooncatonahottinroof · 07/04/2025 23:04

OutandAboutMum1821 · 07/04/2025 22:11

Of course there is an element of ‘playing to each other’s strengths’ in any partnership- that’s exactly what those where one is a SAHP believe they are doing, but they are then criticised for it.

All partnerships will divide up tasks according to strengths/preferences/time, etc. Each one will look different. Some are happy for 1 to focus on the finances and 1 to focus on children/home. Some want a 50:50 split with everything. Some prefer both working, both tackling different chores each.

Thats my point- I don’t believe many truly participate in each different aspect (work/house/kids/DIY/car/errands/gardening) completely identically. Nor should they have to- contributions can look different but have equal value, equal to me does not always mean identical. What’s important is that both are happy with their own and the other’s contribution 😊

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Would you believe that, after I bought my first car, I was invited to and unaccountably attended a session, "car maintenance for women"??? I can't fucking believe I did that lol!

MerlinsBeard1 · 07/04/2025 23:08

mainecooncatonahottinroof · 07/04/2025 22:57

I have never said I was miserable in work. Please cite where I did? I did say I was over working for a living, and if you had continued to do so, you would have got to that point in life too.

I was at work compassionately dealing with other people's issues. Whilst it is challenging, it is also rewarding. I'm glad that I can make a difference. I want to work PT going forward because while I want more freedom now that my children need me less, I also still have a lot to give.

I sat out in the sunshine this evening too with my adult children. They keep coming back to live at home in between their studies etc. The eldest who is 5 years into a professional career has just bought a house (her car died a week later, unfortunate but just bought another one!) and has been back regularly. My hairdresser came and we all had haircuts, I had my colour for my nearly 62 year old hair that still has no grey. We had a lovely evening. Bit cold here still in the evening for the first BBQ

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Ok, great for you and good luck in your next chapter, genuinely.

'I did say I was over working for a living, and if you had continued to do so, you would have got to that point in life too.' I did get to the point, just a lot sooner than you did, and before I became a bitter and twisted husk, hence choosing not to work anymore.

mainecooncatonahottinroof · 07/04/2025 23:10

MerlinsBeard1 · 07/04/2025 22:39

Yet you speak to SAHMs in a terrible way. Again, with the self awareness!

'Unlike you, I have already successfully reared my children and made a fucking awesome job.' Again, with the unfounded assumptions.

"scenarios that didn't happen" are my lived experience.' I was referring to you putting words in my mouth. You suggested I expressed something I didn't, that was a scenario that didn't happen and you got mad about it. Just like you are getting mad now.

I can't quite believe you are accusing me of being insulting, I'd ask you to look back at your posts and my responses to those posts. Anyone can see how rude and defensive you have been to not only myself but other pp.

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And you have been rude and denigrating towards me. I have not spoken about anyone in "a terrible way". I have merely been assertive. But assertiveness in women isn't liked.

How the hell is, "Unlike you, I have already successfully reared my children and made a fucking awesome job" an "assumption?? My children are 28, 26 and 21. You have not ever said your children were adults?

I haven't "got mad" at all - I have stood up for myself against your insults, and I will always do that.

Everyone can see how "rude and defensive" you have been towards me!

No other poster who has disagreed with me has been as insulting.

MerlinsBeard1 · 07/04/2025 23:12

mainecooncatonahottinroof · 07/04/2025 23:02

You've subtly implied it. I pointed it out at the time.

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No I haven't. Quote me.

MerlinsBeard1 · 07/04/2025 23:17

mainecooncatonahottinroof · 07/04/2025 23:10

And you have been rude and denigrating towards me. I have not spoken about anyone in "a terrible way". I have merely been assertive. But assertiveness in women isn't liked.

How the hell is, "Unlike you, I have already successfully reared my children and made a fucking awesome job" an "assumption?? My children are 28, 26 and 21. You have not ever said your children were adults?

I haven't "got mad" at all - I have stood up for myself against your insults, and I will always do that.

Everyone can see how "rude and defensive" you have been towards me!

No other poster who has disagreed with me has been as insulting.

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'I have merely been assertive. But assertiveness in women isn't liked.' Clearly, as you obviously haven't liked getting an assertive response back!

'I have stood up for myself against your insults,' The insults started with you.

'No other poster who has disagreed with me has been as insulting.' Is that an empirical measure, I could the say the same to you. I'm not that sensitive though.

mainecooncatonahottinroof · 07/04/2025 23:17

MerlinsBeard1 · 07/04/2025 22:49

You have been nasty yourself!

'Congratulations on your choice to marry a high earning man. You must be very proud of your achievement.' I mean the venom is just dripping off this comment.

I worked all through my 20s and was a home owner at 23, that was quite an achievement, yes. But if it suits you to paint me as a useless bimbo who married a rich guy, go for it. That won't make you any happier in the long run.

'It doesn't make you economically active however you try to spin it.' I'm not trying to spin anything. I'm not economically active and I don't find that insulting as it is a fact.

The conversation about SAHMs being economically inactive and that automatically making them problematic to society was the issue.

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I have never said you were a "bimbo". You totally made that up.

You are not on a level playing field with many other mothers. Not everyone has a high earning husband to enable them to stay at home. Plenty of those who do have a high earning husband don't want to stay at home either. In all of your posts, there is this underlying message that you are a better mother because you are at home.

You're not.

I became a home owner at 27 with my husband. I was in full-time education until I was 24, and worked in London for a couple of years. We nearly bought a flat but thanks be to god we decided not to because that was just before interest rates hit 15%. You were extremely lucky to be in a position to buy a house that young.

mainecooncatonahottinroof · 07/04/2025 23:18

MerlinsBeard1 · 07/04/2025 23:17

'I have merely been assertive. But assertiveness in women isn't liked.' Clearly, as you obviously haven't liked getting an assertive response back!

'I have stood up for myself against your insults,' The insults started with you.

'No other poster who has disagreed with me has been as insulting.' Is that an empirical measure, I could the say the same to you. I'm not that sensitive though.

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Yeah right. Your posts have been aggressive since the off.

mainecooncatonahottinroof · 07/04/2025 23:18

MerlinsBeard1 · 07/04/2025 23:12

No I haven't. Quote me.

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I did. Read back. I'm not going over it again.

mainecooncatonahottinroof · 07/04/2025 23:24

MerlinsBeard1 · 07/04/2025 22:55

Yes I (emphasis on I) am a better person to be around for not working as working has never been my passion, I found it exhausting and stressful. This doesn't apply to other people, this is my personal experience.

Why are you struggling to understand other peoples situations and why are you taking things not aimed at you in any way SO personally? It's not heathy. Aside from you admitting it, I can see you are pissed off with working, its quite obvious.

That's how I felt too.

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I wasn't pissed off until I turned 60 and the retirement I had been promised in the early years of my career was denied me! You have no idea!

mainecooncatonahottinroof · 07/04/2025 23:25

MerlinsBeard1 · 07/04/2025 23:08

Ok, great for you and good luck in your next chapter, genuinely.

'I did say I was over working for a living, and if you had continued to do so, you would have got to that point in life too.' I did get to the point, just a lot sooner than you did, and before I became a bitter and twisted husk, hence choosing not to work anymore.

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There you go with the insults! And you say you're not bitter and twisted, implying that I am???

I have no regrets! I just want to reduce my working hours and the powers that be won't let me!

mainecooncatonahottinroof · 07/04/2025 23:26

MerlinsBeard1 · 07/04/2025 23:17

'I have merely been assertive. But assertiveness in women isn't liked.' Clearly, as you obviously haven't liked getting an assertive response back!

'I have stood up for myself against your insults,' The insults started with you.

'No other poster who has disagreed with me has been as insulting.' Is that an empirical measure, I could the say the same to you. I'm not that sensitive though.

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And another passive aggressive insult, "I'm not that sensitive though"! Seriously!

MerlinsBeard1 · 07/04/2025 23:27

mainecooncatonahottinroof · 07/04/2025 23:17

I have never said you were a "bimbo". You totally made that up.

You are not on a level playing field with many other mothers. Not everyone has a high earning husband to enable them to stay at home. Plenty of those who do have a high earning husband don't want to stay at home either. In all of your posts, there is this underlying message that you are a better mother because you are at home.

You're not.

I became a home owner at 27 with my husband. I was in full-time education until I was 24, and worked in London for a couple of years. We nearly bought a flat but thanks be to god we decided not to because that was just before interest rates hit 15%. You were extremely lucky to be in a position to buy a house that young.

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'I have never said you were a "bimbo". You totally made that up.' No but you implied my greatest achievement was marrying a rich man. I am fully aware of my current privileged situation which is why I fully respect working mothers!

'In all of your posts, there is this underlying message that you are a better mother because you are at home.' Because I, as in me, personally, am a better person to be around as working was a means to an end for ME, I took no enjoyment in it. I haven't once suggested I am a better parent than working women, only a better parent than if I was working myself.

'You were extremely lucky to be in a position to buy a house that young.' You don't know my situation, another assumption.

OutandAboutMum1821 · 07/04/2025 23:29

On a slightly different note, I’m fairly new to Mumsnet- is it the norm that OP’s start threads then disappear?! 😂 I’ve noticed this on a few.

OP where are you?! Have our 38 pages of lively debate provided you with any further insights/questions/reflections? 😂

MerlinsBeard1 · 07/04/2025 23:29

mainecooncatonahottinroof · 07/04/2025 23:24

I wasn't pissed off until I turned 60 and the retirement I had been promised in the early years of my career was denied me! You have no idea!

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Yeah, thank Labour for that. They promised it.

Whenlifegiveslemons · 07/04/2025 23:29

ItGhoul · 25/03/2025 21:30

I don’t really see why they deserve more respect that anyone else. Yes, it can be hard work looking after a baby. But plenty of other things in life are hard too, or harder. And presumably you chose to have a baby. So while I have every respect for anyone who manages to keep a kid alive without dropping it on its head or leaving it on a bus, it also don’t think it’s anything exceptional in comparison to many other things.

You clearly don't have children

MerlinsBeard1 · 07/04/2025 23:30

mainecooncatonahottinroof · 07/04/2025 23:18

Yeah right. Your posts have been aggressive since the off.

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Likewise.

SouthLondonMum22 · 07/04/2025 23:30

OutandAboutMum1821 · 07/04/2025 23:29

On a slightly different note, I’m fairly new to Mumsnet- is it the norm that OP’s start threads then disappear?! 😂 I’ve noticed this on a few.

OP where are you?! Have our 38 pages of lively debate provided you with any further insights/questions/reflections? 😂

It can be. Sometimes they don't comment after the OP at all.

MerlinsBeard1 · 07/04/2025 23:33

mainecooncatonahottinroof · 07/04/2025 23:25

There you go with the insults! And you say you're not bitter and twisted, implying that I am???

I have no regrets! I just want to reduce my working hours and the powers that be won't let me!

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Again with taking things personally. I was becoming a bitter husk, I noticed it in myself and it is one of the reasons I stopped working as soon as I could.

mainecooncatonahottinroof · 07/04/2025 23:38

MerlinsBeard1 · 07/04/2025 23:27

'I have never said you were a "bimbo". You totally made that up.' No but you implied my greatest achievement was marrying a rich man. I am fully aware of my current privileged situation which is why I fully respect working mothers!

'In all of your posts, there is this underlying message that you are a better mother because you are at home.' Because I, as in me, personally, am a better person to be around as working was a means to an end for ME, I took no enjoyment in it. I haven't once suggested I am a better parent than working women, only a better parent than if I was working myself.

'You were extremely lucky to be in a position to buy a house that young.' You don't know my situation, another assumption.

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Well you were clearly privileged in some way. Common or garden 23 year olds don't buy houses otherwise if they have spent years in uni. And your freedom to choose to not work because you didn't enjoy your career has been as a direct result of 'marrying well'. A lot of mums could have been 'better' mums (in your opinion) if they had had the freedom of choice that you did. I'm not seeing your respect for working mothers.

DH and I both earned well, but we saw our future provision for our children would be enhanced if we both continued to work FT. Thus it has proved. I refuse to let anyone make me feel inferior as a mother because I have been the best mother I could have been, and that is evidenced in my now-adult children. We have been able to support them to participate in numerous activities (you dissed that post), school trips, through uni, post uni and even one of them through a Masters for a year abroad with zero funding. Pardon me if I am ready for a relaxation of work demands after all that.

mainecooncatonahottinroof · 07/04/2025 23:39

MerlinsBeard1 · 07/04/2025 23:33

Again with taking things personally. I was becoming a bitter husk, I noticed it in myself and it is one of the reasons I stopped working as soon as I could.

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Well I have never become a "bitter husk" fortunately.

What would you have done if your DH had become a "bitter husk" too?

MerlinsBeard1 · 07/04/2025 23:39

Anyway, I'm out, I'm not sticking around to drag this out to the bitter end. The derailment has been thoroughly predictable and as depressing as ever.

Night ladies.