To think SAHM with young DC deserve more respect

[CheekyFawn]

I work full time but currently on maternity leave looking after my 5 months old baby and a toddler DS who is 3 yo.
I just don't know where my time goes. Between breastfeeding baby, getting DS ready for preschool and tidying up the house, cooking meals etc, it just feels like there is no time at all even to have 5 mins of coffee break. I feel it was much better when I was at work couple of months ago when DS was in nursery that I used to get at least a lunch break for an hour or 30 mins at least or time between meetings to have a coffee and look at my phone in peace. I imagine this is I think how a day looks for SAHM with young DC and it's bloody hard. Many people just assume they are not doing much but I think they deserve more respect.

Great for you!

If I have noticed certain posters appearing regularly on specific topics I do make use of the search feature to learn why I am seeing the same posts so often.

I haven't once said only SAHM can comment on SAHM. Get your facts straight.

Respect from whom and what form would that take?

I currently do 3 school runs a day, so 15 a week. I do see an increasingly number of Dads on the school run. Some even do the majority of school runs. What do they have in common? They can work from home.

Recognising a pattern isn't obsessing. Writing the same comments on different posts is...

'We all spend time with our children at home.' You don't say?

'So what if I have posted here more than you?'

YOU are the one who rudely stated I needed to 'get a job' as I was posting on here. I was pointing out the irony of it when you post more than I do.

Clearly self awareness isn't your strong point.

At what point have I suggested my scenario is 'superior' ? You sound VERY insecure and VERY angry for unbeknownst reasons. You are making up scenarios that didn't happen in your head, winding yourself up, then projecting them on to others by putting words into people's mouths.

I do think decisions of individuals/groups can be perceived as negatively impacting those of others, although I doubt individuals/groups purposely intend for this to happen.

It is a shame that high achieving female professionals feel disadvantaged as opposed to a man with a SAHM, of course I can appreciate how that would feel unfair and frustrating.

This does go both ways though. The main political parties and government absolutely prioritise working parents. SAHPs are in the minority statistically and don’t pay tax directly, so that can be considered fair enough.

However, I am genuinely concerned that the focus on 30 hours free childcare from 9 months old sends a clear message to parents that this is what they should be using. I worry that by the time my own children are parents that this will have become so normalised that this will reduce their own choices. I worry that this will further price out the option of being a SAHP for those who would love to. I also worry that nurseries are not always the best place for under-3s in particular (check out today’s BBC news article ‘Rise in serious care incidents reported by nurseries’ on this- many are of course chronically under-funded and under-staffed, which impacts on safety. The government’s relaxation of staff ratios is terrifying!)

What is the alternative? Well, the government could have decided to extend parental leave (which could be shared by both parents) to 2 years (understand that this is would be expensive). They could offer different financial incentives to families where 1 stays at home or uses a GP. They absolutely must ensure nurseries are properly funded and safe.

Pointing out facts is now 'stooping to those lengths' and you talk of using shaming tactics. Again, the irony of what you are saying is completely lost on you.

'because these women are economically inactive.' I think you will find the majority of women who can afford to be SAHM have high earning spouses who pay more than enough tax to cover their wives economical inactivity. My husband pays more tax every year than most people earn!

'It's also a "societal issue" when you have SAHMs belittling WOHMs for their choice!' I have never belittled working women, most of my friends work and I appreciate how hard it is to juggle work and family.

Do you see it as a societal issue when working women belittle SAHMs or is ok that way around? The real issue is women judging other women, so you might want to do some self reflection on that.

Respect from the government. Respect from the media. Let’s see some positive role models/reporting on SAHPs instead of the endless ‘economically inactive’ drivel.

Stop asking ‘when’ mothers are going back to work (I had several people ask me ‘are you going back?’ Or ‘Have you decided whether to go back or stay at home’, which I categorically preferred.

Stop assuming my babies/toddlers would have been better of at Nursery. I was even questioned in quite a rude manner by the professional who did my DD’s 2 year check and who had herself commented on how she was more than meeting every milestone and was excelling speech-wise. So she was clearly absolutely fine with me then, right? Make it stop! 😂

Do you think you have a Gotcha moment there?

I do own it, I always have. I primarily benefit from not working, it makes me a happier person with more leisure time and more energy to do things with and for my family. As a result my family benefit also.

Research shows that children who spend long hours in daycare below the age of 1 are more likely to have an insecure attachment. This has long-term consequences.
See research by Belsky and others.
I know this type of research isn't good for women's equality but I think you can't ignore the impact on children of long hours in daycare when very young. I think we have to find a balance between parental needs and children's needs.
I also know that financially not everyone has a choice.

There are different forms of feminism. A woman can believe in equal rights with feeling the need to scream from the rooftops she is a feminist. I find the women who like to declare how feminist they are are often the very women who LOVE telling other women what they should and shouldn't be doing or how anti feminist their decisions are.. which anti feminist in itself.

There are plenty of feminism gatekeepers on MN and they love a good SAHM thread so they can clobber non working women. God only knows why...

I stand by that.

Really?

'I can now truthfully say, after 44 years of studying or working FT, I am over working for a living!! I can't wait to please nobody but myself!!'

Doesn't sound like it. Now it all makes sense.

Ok.

Seems odd. Never occurred to me that I need others to validate my life. But I guess we are all different.

100% agree with this. It is extremely anti-feminist to tell any woman what she should or should not do, and very misogynistic to only value a woman’s paid work.

I don’t need validation, as I’ve always been somebody who does exactly what I want. I have certainly experienced more judgment as a SAHM than during any other time in my life though, that is a fact, and it absolutely needs to stop.

This is interesting because while daycares have not always existed, women working outside the home have. I wonder how children of those mothers fared in the past.

No but OP appears to - and you gave examples of how you would prefer people validate you / others in your position?

But yes I am sorry that you have felt / been judged for the way you choose to live your life.

Historically, pre-industrialisation, both women and men worked and cared for children far more equally and simultaneously whilst farming, for example. Industrialisation caused the major break with men travelling to work in cities. Society was arguably far more equal years ago!

Large, extended families were also far more prevalent, so children could be cared for far more easily by grandparents, aunties, and uncles, cousins, family friends. Life was far more communal.

Nurseries in my mind represent the modern day ‘village’ that used to be provided by extended families and friends, when people stuck to living more locally for generations.

To me, things are actually going full circle in some ways with the advent of the WFH revolution, which I applaud.

I am sure we would massively disagree on why there is a gender pay gap. Mainly it is to do with women choosing professions that earn less and women choosing to go PT because they WANT to see more of their children. There is no legislation to prevent women from earning the same if they are doing the same, but we aren't. How many women want to work on an oil rig, drop down a sewer, put up scaffolding, drive lorries? Men work the more dangerous, physical jobs and they earn more money as a result. More men go into STEM too.

'The couples that break the mould.' Not everyone wants that mould breaking. There is a reason why women are more unhappy than ever and it largely comes down to being double burdened. The nuclear family is the optimal way to raise children, that might piss people off, but studies prove this time and again. Traditional doesn't always mean bad.

Can't say I have ever felt the need for validation either. Would be nice not to get slagged off at every given opportunity though. 😂

This would be lovely except…it’s not simply women “choosing” lower paid profession.

As more women enter a profession average pay falls, as more men enter a profession, average pay increases.

And the gender gap exists everywhere, not just in the minority of “dangerous, dirty jobs” that a male dominated. Men in nice comfortable air conditioned offices also outearn women!

@JHound
@OutandAboutMum1821

I think institutional care in a nursery is different to care in the past.
See this article on research on daycare. Hours, age of starting etc all have an effect.
criticalscience.medium.com/on-the-science-of-daycare-4d1ab4c2efb4

Oh, come off it.