Page 37 | To think SAHM with young DC deserve more respect

CheekyFawn · 2025-03-25T21:22:27+00:00

I work full time but currently on maternity leave looking after my 5 months old baby and a toddler DS who is 3 yo. I just don't know where my time goes. Between breastfeeding baby, getting DS ready for preschool and tidying up the house, cooking meals etc, it just feels like there is no time at all even to have 5 mins of coffee break. I feel it was much better when I was at work couple of months ago when DS was in nursery that I used to get at least a lunch break for an hour or 30 mins at least or time between meetings to have a coffee and look at my phone in peace. I imagine this is I think how a day looks for SAHM with young DC and it's bloody hard. Many people just assume they are not doing much but I think they deserve more respect.

mainecooncatonahottinroof · 07/04/2025 21:02

MerlinsBeard1 · 07/04/2025 10:17

Pointing out facts is now 'stooping to those lengths' and you talk of using shaming tactics. Again, the irony of what you are saying is completely lost on you.

'because these women are economically inactive.' I think you will find the majority of women who can afford to be SAHM have high earning spouses who pay more than enough tax to cover their wives economical inactivity. My husband pays more tax every year than most people earn!

'It's also a "societal issue" when you have SAHMs belittling WOHMs for their choice!' I have never belittled working women, most of my friends work and I appreciate how hard it is to juggle work and family.

Do you see it as a societal issue when working women belittle SAHMs or is ok that way around? The real issue is women judging other women, so you might want to do some self reflection on that.

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Well bully for you. I'm fed up with your nasty comments, and in trying to debate is like shoving treacle up a hill.

Congratulations on your choice to marry a high earning man. You must be very proud of your achievement. It doesn't make you economically active however you try to spin it.

"Self reflection" - right back at you.

mainecooncatonahottinroof · 07/04/2025 21:05

MerlinsBeard1 · 07/04/2025 10:36

Really?

'I can now truthfully say, after 44 years of studying or working FT, I am over working for a living!! I can't wait to please nobody but myself!!'

Doesn't sound like it. Now it all makes sense.

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Yes really.

I'm beyond fuck proud of myself and my achievements.

Unbelievable.

mainecooncatonahottinroof · 07/04/2025 21:08

MerlinsBeard1 · 07/04/2025 10:22

Do you think you have a Gotcha moment there?

I do own it, I always have. I primarily benefit from not working, it makes me a happier person with more leisure time and more energy to do things with and for my family. As a result my family benefit also.

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There you go again. You are a better parent. Listen to yourself!

mainecooncatonahottinroof · 07/04/2025 21:10

Runemum · 07/04/2025 10:27

Research shows that children who spend long hours in daycare below the age of 1 are more likely to have an insecure attachment. This has long-term consequences.
See research by Belsky and others.
I know this type of research isn't good for women's equality but I think you can't ignore the impact on children of long hours in daycare when very young. I think we have to find a balance between parental needs and children's needs.
I also know that financially not everyone has a choice.

Not sure how my children would have had "an insecure attachment" when they were all breastfed up until at least a year. It's a pretty 'attaching' activity, literally!

mainecooncatonahottinroof · 07/04/2025 21:12

MerlinsBeard1 · 07/04/2025 10:54

Can't say I have ever felt the need for validation either. Would be nice not to get slagged off at every given opportunity though. 😂

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Indeed it would. Remember that going forward.

mainecooncatonahottinroof · 07/04/2025 21:19

OutandAboutMum1821 · 07/04/2025 10:18

Respect from the government. Respect from the media. Let’s see some positive role models/reporting on SAHPs instead of the endless ‘economically inactive’ drivel.

Stop asking ‘when’ mothers are going back to work (I had several people ask me ‘are you going back?’ Or ‘Have you decided whether to go back or stay at home’, which I categorically preferred.

Stop assuming my babies/toddlers would have been better of at Nursery. I was even questioned in quite a rude manner by the professional who did my DD’s 2 year check and who had herself commented on how she was more than meeting every milestone and was excelling speech-wise. So she was clearly absolutely fine with me then, right? Make it stop! 😂

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Equally stop asking women, "when are you going to start a family" or "I thought you would be pregnant by now", "don't you want children then?"

Add in, "what are you hoping to have?" "Are you disappointed it's another girl". "You must be hoping for a boy". "you must be so pleased to finally have a boy!" - "the boy is the cherry on the cake!" then "why have children if you're not going to be at home with them?" "why have children for other people to rear them?" "do you not think you have enough children now?" and the rest!

Reminds me of when I was young and at uni and was sometimes asked, "do you want to be a teacher or a nurse?" FFS! Really?

mainecooncatonahottinroof · 07/04/2025 21:28

OutandAboutMum1821 · 07/04/2025 11:18

I also hope anyone who expects a 50% contribution for their DH with childcare and cleaning similarly does 50% of the heavy gardening, DIY & car maintenance.

My DD is constantly in and out of Homebase and B & Q. She has so far grown up watching me personally scrub down and re-paint 20 fence panels and a gate, treat fresh wood and re-paint a wooden bannister and over front door canopy, use strong chemical to remove and re-paint all exterior window sills, work out myself how to unscrew and repair a loose back door handle, change light bulbs, turn of our water/electricity to diagnose any issues, remove moss from our pathways, do all heavy gardening (pruning huge shrubs and trees in 2 gardens using loppers and saws), thoroughly wash our car, fill our tyres with air, confidently handle garage communications.

She is basically used to seeing me either up a ladder or with a paint brush or screw driver in hand. She will certainly grow up knowing her way round a tool box, car and garden shed.

Now, I have female friends who have very successful careers, who openly tell me that they expect their DHs to fill their cars with petrol, clean them, jet wash their driveways and decking, paint their homes because they are male jobs. Oh the irony! 🤣

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I probably do more of the gardening than DH though I passed over grass-cutting to him when I was first pregnant. We used to wash our own cars but now we pay to have them washed for us - it's more taxing anyway when you're older.

I pay people to do chores like painting etc. I have always had landscapers do any tree maintenance as our trees are 30+ feet tall and it wouldn't be safe otherwise! I never would have had the time to do those things.

Am LMAO off at women expecting their husbands to put fuel in their car - mine would have been permanently empty, and in any case I have always been out and about for work so highly impractical!

I think you'd have to be exceedingly useless to not be able to change a lightbulb!

I did paint our front door and all the internal doors nearly 3 summers ago. Do I get a gold star? 😁

mainecooncatonahottinroof · 07/04/2025 21:40

OutandAboutMum1821 · 07/04/2025 13:43

I completely concur with your point about confidence.

One example- comparing 2 Head Teachers I know. The male one- unshakable confidence, avoids answering questions better than any politician, highly defensive, highly resistant to external advice from anybody, replying to emails was beneath him, etc.

The female one- far more conscientious, far better people skills, far less rude, thoughtful, self-reflective, respectful of advice and intelligent enough to consider alternative viewpoints, but still confident in her own opinions…far, far better data results. She was stunned recently to discover the male Head took a day at home each week and refused to attend things in his own time after school. She does everything to the highest standard all the time, zero shortcuts, as women are held to higher standards.

In my opinion, she is the far better Head and boss in many ways, but I bet he would out talk her into a role based on bluster! It is infuriating.

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Don't you think that there are other reasons why, despite women being far more represented in teaching, there are disproportionately more men at at senior level?

mainecooncatonahottinroof · 07/04/2025 21:43

OutandAboutMum1821 · 07/04/2025 11:33

I do the majority of these tasks weekly. Properly maintaining two large landscaped gardens certainly requires weekly care and attention, I love it.

No, my closest’s friends DH does more childcare and cleaning certainly.

I call out double standards and sexism from women as well as men, a lot of women cherry pick ‘equally doing tasks’ which suit them for sure. Women are perfectly capable of doing all these tasks, I know because I do them 😊

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Is there not an element to of playing to other particular strengths? I have a much better eye for interior design so I choose the decor for our home. DH is content for me to do this - he's not bothered. I'm happy though for him to put out the bins!

mainecooncatonahottinroof · 07/04/2025 21:52

MerlinsBeard1 · 07/04/2025 19:18

Explain your point please?

I'd love to know what percent of SAHMs with partners actually do receive benefits. I've looked into it and can't find any studies on the matter but considering the criteria that has to be met to receive UC as a couple, I'd wager practically none.

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You might not be able to find stats but your comment is extremely disingenuous! What proportion of mothers are unable to afford to return to work because of the cost of childcare? Don't you think there's a reasonable number of their partners out there on say minimum wage?

You are not in touch with reality. "Practically none" - seriously?!

I used to have a colleague in a basic-grade post. She and her husband had three children. Husband became unwell at one point and decided to SAH with the children. They were absolutely in receipt of whatever UC used to be, free school meals and help with housing! Must be a good 20 years later. He never went back to work.

mainecooncatonahottinroof · 07/04/2025 21:58

MerlinsBeard1 · 07/04/2025 19:46

I agree.

I also don't know any SAHMs who receive benefits.

'To qualify for Universal Credit, your partner must also meet specific requirements. You must both work fewer than 16 hours per week combined and have a monthly household income of no more than £2,000 after deducting rent or mortgage payments and childcare bills.
Additionally, your partner must receive benefits such as Income Support or Jobseeker’s Allowance, or have an annual income of less than £18,000.'

Realistically, in the absence of exceptional circumstances what couple with one being a SAHP would be making less than £18k pa.

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OMG you are so out of touch!

My organisation employs thousands of people (men and women) who can't work any more than 16 hours a week because it affects their benefits! Whilst I accept that neither parent is fully 'at home', they work in a pattern that means one or other can be available for childcare!

Not forgetting all those families where there is not only a SAHM but a SAHD too!!!

mainecooncatonahottinroof · 07/04/2025 22:03

Apologies for posting so much this evening to catch up.

I was a little bit busy during the day.

OutandAboutMum1821 · 07/04/2025 22:11

mainecooncatonahottinroof · 07/04/2025 21:43

Is there not an element to of playing to other particular strengths? I have a much better eye for interior design so I choose the decor for our home. DH is content for me to do this - he's not bothered. I'm happy though for him to put out the bins!

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Of course there is an element of ‘playing to each other’s strengths’ in any partnership- that’s exactly what those where one is a SAHP believe they are doing, but they are then criticised for it.

All partnerships will divide up tasks according to strengths/preferences/time, etc. Each one will look different. Some are happy for 1 to focus on the finances and 1 to focus on children/home. Some want a 50:50 split with everything. Some prefer both working, both tackling different chores each.

Thats my point- I don’t believe many truly participate in each different aspect (work/house/kids/DIY/car/errands/gardening) completely identically. Nor should they have to- contributions can look different but have equal value, equal to me does not always mean identical. What’s important is that both are happy with their own and the other’s contribution 😊

OutandAboutMum1821 · 07/04/2025 22:13

mainecooncatonahottinroof · 07/04/2025 21:43

Is there not an element to of playing to other particular strengths? I have a much better eye for interior design so I choose the decor for our home. DH is content for me to do this - he's not bothered. I'm happy though for him to put out the bins!

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I also choose the decor and my DH does the bins! 😂 I think this is a common one 😂

OutandAboutMum1821 · 07/04/2025 22:16

mainecooncatonahottinroof · 07/04/2025 21:19

Equally stop asking women, "when are you going to start a family" or "I thought you would be pregnant by now", "don't you want children then?"

Add in, "what are you hoping to have?" "Are you disappointed it's another girl". "You must be hoping for a boy". "you must be so pleased to finally have a boy!" - "the boy is the cherry on the cake!" then "why have children if you're not going to be at home with them?" "why have children for other people to rear them?" "do you not think you have enough children now?" and the rest!

Reminds me of when I was young and at uni and was sometimes asked, "do you want to be a teacher or a nurse?" FFS! Really?

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Agree entirely- these are good examples. There are certainly a whole host of intrusive questions that I am always shocked to hear people asking others, and would not personally ask myself.

SouthLondonMum22 · 07/04/2025 22:21

OutandAboutMum1821 · 07/04/2025 22:11

Of course there is an element of ‘playing to each other’s strengths’ in any partnership- that’s exactly what those where one is a SAHP believe they are doing, but they are then criticised for it.

All partnerships will divide up tasks according to strengths/preferences/time, etc. Each one will look different. Some are happy for 1 to focus on the finances and 1 to focus on children/home. Some want a 50:50 split with everything. Some prefer both working, both tackling different chores each.

Thats my point- I don’t believe many truly participate in each different aspect (work/house/kids/DIY/car/errands/gardening) completely identically. Nor should they have to- contributions can look different but have equal value, equal to me does not always mean identical. What’s important is that both are happy with their own and the other’s contribution 😊

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It's truly 50/50 for us. Or as close as it gets, we definitely don't do the tit for tat thing but at the same time, nothing around the house or to do with the children is seen as only my job or his job. If a nappy needs changing, I'm not the one who automatically does it and if the bins need taking out, he isn't the one who automatically does it.

MerlinsBeard1 · 07/04/2025 22:32

mainecooncatonahottinroof · 07/04/2025 20:46

You have little to do with your time.

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True, I do have little to do with my time in comparison to you. That is why I'm not stressed out or bitter.

Whilst you were at work miserable (you admit this yourself) I found a minute or two and just about managed to look at my phone and respond on here in between gardening, sitting in the sunshine with the kids as it is half term and preparing the first BBQ of the year.

OutandAboutMum1821 · 07/04/2025 22:34

SouthLondonMum22 · 07/04/2025 22:21

It's truly 50/50 for us. Or as close as it gets, we definitely don't do the tit for tat thing but at the same time, nothing around the house or to do with the children is seen as only my job or his job. If a nappy needs changing, I'm not the one who automatically does it and if the bins need taking out, he isn't the one who automatically does it.

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That’s great it’s working in practice to match how you both wanted it.

Funnily enough, apart from our working status, we’ve always been like that pre-kids and whenever my DH is at home. We both cook (he does more) and do DIY. I do even do the bins when he’s out 😂 He’s certainly always changed nappies from day 1. I certainly would do my fair share of any task my DH wasn’t happy with, and he would for me, as that for us has little to do with gender and much more to do with being considerate of the other’s needs and opinions.

Actually thinking about it, my DH is the only person who if he were to say ‘I think you should return to paid work as the balance is unfair and I would like more time at home’, I’d think that was absolutely fine. Same the other way round too, he’s always said he’d be happy to be a SAHD/both work, etc.

Both partners must feel happy with both their own and the other’s contribution, or it absolutely should be discussed and altered for sure.

MerlinsBeard1 · 07/04/2025 22:39

mainecooncatonahottinroof · 07/04/2025 20:55

Now who is lacking in self awareness? I'm angry at the way WOHMs are spoken to but I am so far from insecure you couldn't begin to imagine it. Unlike you, I have already successfully reared my children and made a fucking awesome job of it. They are all doing well, are happy and high achieving.

I have no regard for your opinion, and it's now going into minus with every post. My own post was relating what my experience were and you couldn't wait to belittle and insult me - "scenarios that didn't happen" are my lived experience and it's disgusting that you see fit to disparage something so personal to me.

Your sense of superiority is implied in every single post.

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Yet you speak to SAHMs in a terrible way. Again, with the self awareness!

'Unlike you, I have already successfully reared my children and made a fucking awesome job.' Again, with the unfounded assumptions.

"scenarios that didn't happen" are my lived experience.' I was referring to you putting words in my mouth. You suggested I expressed something I didn't, that was a scenario that didn't happen and you got mad about it. Just like you are getting mad now.

I can't quite believe you are accusing me of being insulting, I'd ask you to look back at your posts and my responses to those posts. Anyone can see how rude and defensive you have been to not only myself but other pp.

MerlinsBeard1 · 07/04/2025 22:49

mainecooncatonahottinroof · 07/04/2025 21:02

Well bully for you. I'm fed up with your nasty comments, and in trying to debate is like shoving treacle up a hill.

Congratulations on your choice to marry a high earning man. You must be very proud of your achievement. It doesn't make you economically active however you try to spin it.

"Self reflection" - right back at you.

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You have been nasty yourself!

'Congratulations on your choice to marry a high earning man. You must be very proud of your achievement.' I mean the venom is just dripping off this comment.

I worked all through my 20s and was a home owner at 23, that was quite an achievement, yes. But if it suits you to paint me as a useless bimbo who married a rich guy, go for it. That won't make you any happier in the long run.

'It doesn't make you economically active however you try to spin it.' I'm not trying to spin anything. I'm not economically active and I don't find that insulting as it is a fact.

The conversation about SAHMs being economically inactive and that automatically making them problematic to society was the issue.

MerlinsBeard1 · 07/04/2025 22:50

mainecooncatonahottinroof · 07/04/2025 21:05

Yes really.

I'm beyond fuck proud of myself and my achievements.

Unbelievable.

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And so you should be. If only you could be happy about them too....

mainecooncatonahottinroof · 07/04/2025 22:51

MerlinsBeard1 · 07/04/2025 22:50

And so you should be. If only you could be happy about them too....

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I'm happy to have built my own career, own pension and never relied on a man. You do you.

MerlinsBeard1 · 07/04/2025 22:55

mainecooncatonahottinroof · 07/04/2025 21:08

There you go again. You are a better parent. Listen to yourself!

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Yes I (emphasis on I) am a better person to be around for not working as working has never been my passion, I found it exhausting and stressful. This doesn't apply to other people, this is my personal experience.

Why are you struggling to understand other peoples situations and why are you taking things not aimed at you in any way SO personally? It's not heathy. Aside from you admitting it, I can see you are pissed off with working, its quite obvious.

That's how I felt too.

mainecooncatonahottinroof · 07/04/2025 22:57

MerlinsBeard1 · 07/04/2025 22:32

True, I do have little to do with my time in comparison to you. That is why I'm not stressed out or bitter.

Whilst you were at work miserable (you admit this yourself) I found a minute or two and just about managed to look at my phone and respond on here in between gardening, sitting in the sunshine with the kids as it is half term and preparing the first BBQ of the year.

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I have never said I was miserable in work. Please cite where I did? I did say I was over working for a living, and if you had continued to do so, you would have got to that point in life too.

I was at work compassionately dealing with other people's issues. Whilst it is challenging, it is also rewarding. I'm glad that I can make a difference. I want to work PT going forward because while I want more freedom now that my children need me less, I also still have a lot to give.

I sat out in the sunshine this evening too with my adult children. They keep coming back to live at home in between their studies etc. The eldest who is 5 years into a professional career has just bought a house (her car died a week later, unfortunate but just bought another one!) and has been back regularly. My hairdresser came and we all had haircuts, I had my colour for my nearly 62 year old hair that still has no grey. We had a lovely evening. Bit cold here still in the evening for the first BBQ

MerlinsBeard1 · 07/04/2025 22:58

mainecooncatonahottinroof · 07/04/2025 22:51

I'm happy to have built my own career, own pension and never relied on a man. You do you.

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I did have a career, I just didn't enjoy it.

I do rely on my husband now and I'm fortunate enough that it works perfectly as we enjoy a solid marriage with tractional gender roles. Never been happier.