Page 30 | To think SAHM with young DC deserve more respect

CheekyFawn · 2025-03-25T21:22:27+00:00

I work full time but currently on maternity leave looking after my 5 months old baby and a toddler DS who is 3 yo. I just don't know where my time goes. Between breastfeeding baby, getting DS ready for preschool and tidying up the house, cooking meals etc, it just feels like there is no time at all even to have 5 mins of coffee break. I feel it was much better when I was at work couple of months ago when DS was in nursery that I used to get at least a lunch break for an hour or 30 mins at least or time between meetings to have a coffee and look at my phone in peace. I imagine this is I think how a day looks for SAHM with young DC and it's bloody hard. Many people just assume they are not doing much but I think they deserve more respect.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 05/04/2025 17:16

OutandAboutMum1821 · 05/04/2025 17:05

On a slightly different issue, there are so many passionate Mums on this thread that I wish we could all meet in person to march and demand more action for change for our sisters in Afghanistan…I am devastated for them.

Yes, it is utterly depressing to see what those poor women are having to face.

OutandAboutMum1821 · 05/04/2025 17:47

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 05/04/2025 17:15

The school would probably bite your hand off if you offered to volunteer in the classroom. I'm also a school governor and I know ours would... the finances are making it increasingly difficult for them to employ TAs these days, so having an extra qualified teacher in the classroom would undoubtedly be welcomed!

Show quote history

Ahh great to hear you’re a school governor too! It’s a really rewarding role. Really good of you to dedicate time to it, especially given you also work FT. I currently spend 1 morning a week hearing Year 2 children read 1:1 who need more support. It is a pleasure to support the Year 2 team and school in some small way. I would love to extend this type of support.

SouthLondonMum22 · 05/04/2025 17:52

OutandAboutMum1821 · 05/04/2025 16:32

That certainly seems to be the priority for now and the near future, I’m thinking longer term. It’s certainly one many countries are considering, and will need to, as many more grapple with the challenges of meeting the needs of ageing populations. I find it all fascinating.

Edited

Show quote history

It's tricky because societal expectations are changing and women are realising that having children isn't something that you just do after getting married, it's a valid choice but it's also a valid choice to decide that having children isn't for you. I'm not sure they would be convinced to have a baby if they were offered to be paid to be SAHM's.

mainecooncatonahottinroof · 05/04/2025 18:02

God you couldn't pay me to be a school governor. I'd probably be ideal for it because of my professional background but I've worked with governors from time to time and it's a LOT!

OutandAboutMum1821 · 05/04/2025 18:08

SouthLondonMum22 · 05/04/2025 17:52

It's tricky because societal expectations are changing and women are realising that having children isn't something that you just do after getting married, it's a valid choice but it's also a valid choice to decide that having children isn't for you. I'm not sure they would be convinced to have a baby if they were offered to be paid to be SAHM's.

Show quote history

I agree with this.

OutandAboutMum1821 · 05/04/2025 18:11

SouthLondonMum22 · 05/04/2025 17:52

It's tricky because societal expectations are changing and women are realising that having children isn't something that you just do after getting married, it's a valid choice but it's also a valid choice to decide that having children isn't for you. I'm not sure they would be convinced to have a baby if they were offered to be paid to be SAHM's.

Show quote history

Random one, but if you like to read fiction, I recently read ‘The Family Experiment’ by John Marrs (5 book series set slightly in the future). Basically the cost of living crisis continued to a point that nobody could afford to have children, regardless of whether they wanted them or not, and the various responses to that. A riveting read!

Pantheon · 05/04/2025 18:36

OutandAboutMum1821 · 05/04/2025 13:09

This all sounds great for your family. Glad it all worked out so well for them. I don’t really know what else I’m supposed to say in response to this?

What I will say is that society nowadays has no time for women who are fulfilled by being at home. As a child, I was identified as being gifted from a young age in all academic subjects. I actually scored 100% in many of my A-Levels, and I have a double first class degree from Cambridge University. None of this is being shared to boast, but to explain that I was under a great deal of pressure from teachers throughout my time in education because of my academic achievements. Despite absolutely loving academia, from as young as I can remember as a child I always knew I wanted children and that I would be a SAHM. I felt a really pull and calling towards it, I never had any genuine desire to work once I’d had children. I had absolutely no support from any teacher when they asked me what I wanted to do when I grew up, many were either baffled or made it clear that they disapproved and thought I was wasting my potential, and I think that is judgmental and wrong. I will actually be complaining if anybody does the same to my own DD should she feel the same.

So I’m very aware the my DD will get nothing but encouragement to pursue any career over staying at home, and sneered at for wanting to be at home…hopefully her seeing me enjoying being at home will actually provide her with a perfectly valid alternative.

Show quote history

I wanted to jump on here again as similarly I did well at school, uni, good career etc. My mum was actually a single parent who had to work long hours and sometimes more than one job. I was a latch key kid and often cooked for her and my younger sibling. Yet my mum is genuinely happy for me that I'm able to spend a couple of years at home with my kids while they're young. It doesn't mean I'm not ambitious. I had a difficult childhood in ways that i wont go into and giving my children the stability I didn't have is fulfilling a massive ambition of mine.

Pantheon · 05/04/2025 18:37

Also before anyone jumps on me, of course you can give stability and work. I just mean in my case this works for my family.

OutandAboutMum1821 · 05/04/2025 19:22

Pantheon · 05/04/2025 18:36

I wanted to jump on here again as similarly I did well at school, uni, good career etc. My mum was actually a single parent who had to work long hours and sometimes more than one job. I was a latch key kid and often cooked for her and my younger sibling. Yet my mum is genuinely happy for me that I'm able to spend a couple of years at home with my kids while they're young. It doesn't mean I'm not ambitious. I had a difficult childhood in ways that i wont go into and giving my children the stability I didn't have is fulfilling a massive ambition of mine.

Show quote history

This resonates with me. I’m sorry to hear you had a difficult childhood. I understand this. My husband and I both did, my Dad committed suicide when I was 4 and my brother 1. I can remember the following year being surrounded by family members who were absolutely devastated by this. That first Christmas soon after was truly awful. Similarly, my husband lost his Mum aged 9 after watching her suffering from cancer for 2 years prior to that, regularly unwell, tired, in bed and unable understandably to interact with him.

So for us, I am so glad my children have a Dad who is so stable in their lives. I have no point of reference for a father-daughter relationship, so happy for both of mine they will. My husband is glad I’m here after school for ours, as he was never able to go home after school as his widowed Dad had to work full-time. Luckily, 2 very kind Mums of his best friends had him after school in the days before after school clubs would have helped his Dad out more, but he had a real sense of no family member being around for him after school (understandably).

Sometimes a return to a more traditional set up and desire to be at home more can also be a response to experiencing high levels of stress as a child for sure.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 05/04/2025 20:17

I'm sorry for all who had difficult childhoods, for whatever reason. Our experiences as children inevitably colour the choices that we make as adults.

ItTook9Years · 05/04/2025 20:19

mainecooncatonahottinroof · 05/04/2025 18:02

God you couldn't pay me to be a school governor. I'd probably be ideal for it because of my professional background but I've worked with governors from time to time and it's a LOT!

My first job involved supporting governors.

I’m a governor at two schools. It’s extremely rewarding.

SouthLondonMum22 · 05/04/2025 20:26

OutandAboutMum1821 · 05/04/2025 19:22

This resonates with me. I’m sorry to hear you had a difficult childhood. I understand this. My husband and I both did, my Dad committed suicide when I was 4 and my brother 1. I can remember the following year being surrounded by family members who were absolutely devastated by this. That first Christmas soon after was truly awful. Similarly, my husband lost his Mum aged 9 after watching her suffering from cancer for 2 years prior to that, regularly unwell, tired, in bed and unable understandably to interact with him.

So for us, I am so glad my children have a Dad who is so stable in their lives. I have no point of reference for a father-daughter relationship, so happy for both of mine they will. My husband is glad I’m here after school for ours, as he was never able to go home after school as his widowed Dad had to work full-time. Luckily, 2 very kind Mums of his best friends had him after school in the days before after school clubs would have helped his Dad out more, but he had a real sense of no family member being around for him after school (understandably).

Sometimes a return to a more traditional set up and desire to be at home more can also be a response to experiencing high levels of stress as a child for sure.

Show quote history

I think the opposite can happen too.

I grew up with a SAHM because she truly believed that having little money but more of her time was the best choice. I found it incredibly stressful growing up with financial instability and I think that is one of the main reasons why I'd never be a SAHM myself due to my experience as a child.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 05/04/2025 20:26

OutandAboutMum1821 · 05/04/2025 17:47

Ahh great to hear you’re a school governor too! It’s a really rewarding role. Really good of you to dedicate time to it, especially given you also work FT. I currently spend 1 morning a week hearing Year 2 children read 1:1 who need more support. It is a pleasure to support the Year 2 team and school in some small way. I would love to extend this type of support.

Edited

Show quote history

I've been doing it for the best part of 10 years now, and I do enjoy it. I find it very interesting and I like doing the monitoring visits. The kids are fabulous!

It's no great problem for me to find the time to fit it in...as I said earlier, I thrive on being busy! And especially now that my own dd is off at uni, it's good to have stuff to do. I'm a charity trustee as well, which I also love!

OutandAboutMum1821 · 05/04/2025 20:49

SouthLondonMum22 · 05/04/2025 20:26

I think the opposite can happen too.

I grew up with a SAHM because she truly believed that having little money but more of her time was the best choice. I found it incredibly stressful growing up with financial instability and I think that is one of the main reasons why I'd never be a SAHM myself due to my experience as a child.

Show quote history

That also makes sense. Having financial stability is very important. I taught a lot of children who didn’t have this, who lost their homes. Extremely stressful, and understandable to want to avoid for your own children.

mainecooncatonahottinroof · 05/04/2025 23:58

OutandAboutMum1821 · 05/04/2025 19:22

This resonates with me. I’m sorry to hear you had a difficult childhood. I understand this. My husband and I both did, my Dad committed suicide when I was 4 and my brother 1. I can remember the following year being surrounded by family members who were absolutely devastated by this. That first Christmas soon after was truly awful. Similarly, my husband lost his Mum aged 9 after watching her suffering from cancer for 2 years prior to that, regularly unwell, tired, in bed and unable understandably to interact with him.

So for us, I am so glad my children have a Dad who is so stable in their lives. I have no point of reference for a father-daughter relationship, so happy for both of mine they will. My husband is glad I’m here after school for ours, as he was never able to go home after school as his widowed Dad had to work full-time. Luckily, 2 very kind Mums of his best friends had him after school in the days before after school clubs would have helped his Dad out more, but he had a real sense of no family member being around for him after school (understandably).

Sometimes a return to a more traditional set up and desire to be at home more can also be a response to experiencing high levels of stress as a child for sure.

Show quote history

I'm so sorry you both had it so tough as children and this explains so much about your choice x

mainecooncatonahottinroof · 06/04/2025 00:04

ItTook9Years · 05/04/2025 20:19

My first job involved supporting governors.

I’m a governor at two schools. It’s extremely rewarding.

Show quote history

Is it not extremely stressful too? You have to understand so many things from finance to HR. I think the HR aspect is very difficult for a lot of governors when they are faced with disciplinary cases, grievances or dignity at work! I never put myself forward for being a governor because it would have been too much like taking my work home with me!

How do you deal with the nepotism in recruitment? My children attended an otherwise excellent primary school but omg the nepotism was off the scale! We had the principal, his wife and her sister. We had two other sets of sisters. We had a couple of mothers and sons, and the son's wife and childhood friend, who was also the son of a former teacher!! There were more but I don't remember!

ItTook9Years · 06/04/2025 00:30

mainecooncatonahottinroof · 06/04/2025 00:04

Is it not extremely stressful too? You have to understand so many things from finance to HR. I think the HR aspect is very difficult for a lot of governors when they are faced with disciplinary cases, grievances or dignity at work! I never put myself forward for being a governor because it would have been too much like taking my work home with me!

How do you deal with the nepotism in recruitment? My children attended an otherwise excellent primary school but omg the nepotism was off the scale! We had the principal, his wife and her sister. We had two other sets of sisters. We had a couple of mothers and sons, and the son's wife and childhood friend, who was also the son of a former teacher!! There were more but I don't remember!

Show quote history

Ha. I’m ex-finance and currently a HR director so it’s bread and butter for me!

They are also Welsh-medium schools so pretty much everyone is related to everyone anyway. It’s a considerably small pool (as the teachers must be fluent in Welsh). I have to say though, both HTs are straight as a die and very focused on leadership and the wellbeing of their staff. It is honestly a pleasure to support them both. I wish the professionals I encounter in my paid role were half as conscientious!

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 06/04/2025 00:46

mainecooncatonahottinroof · 06/04/2025 00:04

Is it not extremely stressful too? You have to understand so many things from finance to HR. I think the HR aspect is very difficult for a lot of governors when they are faced with disciplinary cases, grievances or dignity at work! I never put myself forward for being a governor because it would have been too much like taking my work home with me!

How do you deal with the nepotism in recruitment? My children attended an otherwise excellent primary school but omg the nepotism was off the scale! We had the principal, his wife and her sister. We had two other sets of sisters. We had a couple of mothers and sons, and the son's wife and childhood friend, who was also the son of a former teacher!! There were more but I don't remember!

Show quote history

I don't find it stressful. It's a lot of responsibility but I don't mind that. In a way, it's quite a relief to take a step back from work and think about other people's problems for a change!

Our board hasn't had to deal with too many HR issues at all - it's generally a happy school with excellent staff who are well supported , so I guess that helps. Of course there is the odd issue, but I don't find it stressful to deal with - there's more distance from it than you typically have in work so it's much easier to be detached and objective. And no, there is no nepotism at all as far as I can see...I don't think any of our staff are related. There may be the odd friend that gets recruited, but vacancies are always competitive and applicants are put through a robust selection process, so people wouldn't get the job if they weren't up to it

The finance stuff does concern me because it simply isn't sustainable to run the school with only the funding from the government, and that makes me cross, but I don't find any of it stressful as such. My professional background undoubtedly helps because I have a lot of relevant experience of a lot of the stuff that we're involved in. That's obviously harder for those governors that have less experience that they can apply, but it is important to remember that we're a team, and we don't all have to be experts in everything.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 06/04/2025 00:49

Reflecting on it further, I think the one thing I did find stressful was recruiting a new headteacher a few years ago. It felt like a huge responsibility and I wanted us to get it right. Thankfully, we made a really good choice!

mainecooncatonahottinroof · 06/04/2025 00:52

Fair play to both of you. It takes a lot of commitment. A huge number of my colleagues are also governors but it's never really appealed to me, mostly because it's so closely related to what I do in my day job. I've also unfortunately dealt with some very obstructive and incredibly rude governors (mostly but not exclusively chairs!) so I guess that's put me off as well.

On the other hand, I've also worked with some incredibly professional and hands-on governors so the good mostly does outweigh the bad!

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 06/04/2025 00:58

mainecooncatonahottinroof · 06/04/2025 00:52

Fair play to both of you. It takes a lot of commitment. A huge number of my colleagues are also governors but it's never really appealed to me, mostly because it's so closely related to what I do in my day job. I've also unfortunately dealt with some very obstructive and incredibly rude governors (mostly but not exclusively chairs!) so I guess that's put me off as well.

On the other hand, I've also worked with some incredibly professional and hands-on governors so the good mostly does outweigh the bad!

I've met some very rude/arrogant governors at governor training courses etc. Though not so much these days as they all happen online now and nobody really talks to each other any more!

I'm fortunate at the school where I'm a governor because I think we genuinely have a great team.

mainecooncatonahottinroof · 06/04/2025 01:15

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 06/04/2025 00:58

I've met some very rude/arrogant governors at governor training courses etc. Though not so much these days as they all happen online now and nobody really talks to each other any more!

I'm fortunate at the school where I'm a governor because I think we genuinely have a great team.

Show quote history

That's great because it works in everyone's favour.

I got involved in a particularly difficult situation a number of years ago where a principal had her favourites and was treating other staff poorly. It went on for years, way after my involvement - I backed out. I felt that they were all very genuine people and did everything in my power to mediate. One lovely lady got a principalship elsewhere, and I was delighted because she seemed to have been taking the brunt of it. The chair was an absolute piece of work and left me such nasty messages, accusing me of taking over the role of the principal and threatening me. Sorry, but he farmed cows... no disrespect to dairy farmers...

MerlinsBeard1 · 06/04/2025 09:52

Fagli · 05/04/2025 08:43

Eh?! We both work full time. We don’t do any housework at the weekend or evenings (apart from cook dinner and clear up after, and maybe a 5sec job of turning on the washing machine). We spend quality time as a family and everyone is relaxed. I can’t remember the last time we bickered!!

Show quote history

Think you are quoting the wrong PP.

MerlinsBeard1 · 06/04/2025 09:55

Thepeopleversuswork · 05/04/2025 09:10

@MerlinsBeard1

You personally have posted 761 comments about SAHMs, it's quite obsessive.

Christ that’s creepy. Are you the SAHM thought police?

You know people are allowed to post on things that interest them, right? @SouthLondonMum22 is entitled to do this as much as you are.

Simply utilising the search feature available to us all. So I'm the creepy one rather than the person who isn't a SAHM appearing on practically every thread about SAHMs for several years. OK.

MerlinsBeard1 · 06/04/2025 09:58

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 05/04/2025 10:26

Sorry, but what do you think is actually "true" here?

Is it true that couples with a SAHP probably have a bit more free time than couples who both work? Yes, in most cases.

Does that mean that couples with a SAHP are "more savvy"? No.

Does it mean that couples who both work have poor relationships or that they are constantly bickering with each other? No.

Does it mean that couples who both work are always run ragged and have no time for anything else? No.

You're assuming that people are criticising this post because the pp is saying things that they don't want to hear. Maybe we're just saying that it doesn't resonate with our own lived experience because it is based on assumptions and stereotypes that aren't actually accurate.

Show quote history

Having more time to do what we want. It's a fact.