Page 29 | To think SAHM with young DC deserve more respect

CheekyFawn · 2025-03-25T21:22:27+00:00

I work full time but currently on maternity leave looking after my 5 months old baby and a toddler DS who is 3 yo. I just don't know where my time goes. Between breastfeeding baby, getting DS ready for preschool and tidying up the house, cooking meals etc, it just feels like there is no time at all even to have 5 mins of coffee break. I feel it was much better when I was at work couple of months ago when DS was in nursery that I used to get at least a lunch break for an hour or 30 mins at least or time between meetings to have a coffee and look at my phone in peace. I imagine this is I think how a day looks for SAHM with young DC and it's bloody hard. Many people just assume they are not doing much but I think they deserve more respect.

mainecooncatonahottinroof · 05/04/2025 16:23

OutandAboutMum1821 · 05/04/2025 11:12

If you actually read my post properly, I was directly comparing this to my own experiences of working FT without children. Do you know many teachers? Having 2 FT teachers for us is untenable with young children. When you are teaching, you are out of the house, zero time to do life admin or even answer your own phone, zero WFH, zero school runs, often zero time to attend school functions of your own children, teachers also feel incredibly guilty about taking any time off sick as they care about leaving their classes. If we had continued this with young children, our evenings and weekends for us would have been far more stressful than having me at home. Surely that is obvious compared to other industries?

I took exception to the previous poster for criticising women who ‘let men off the hook’ by taking on the domestic load, as I feel she completely overlooked any advantages to this for the entire family, not just Dad! I’d rather my DH spent his weekends with our children rather than picking up housework for me to make a point, how childish and petty!

I do actually have many friends in different industries who WFH and often voice note me whilst on a break/putting a wash on/painting and decorating, so I am fully aware other parents manage these things during the day around work too. WFH has been a positive development for working families, that’s great too!

Catch a bloody grip, lots of teacher couples work FT with children. My sister and BIL have both managed it as principals!! It's one of the easiest professions to be a parent in, literally, as you have school holidays when they do!! My flabber is totally ghasted!!!

Should have guessed you had been a teacher. Some teachers seem barely capable of tying their own shoelaces from what I see on here and IRL.

My DC1 is also a teacher. My SIL is a retired teacher. I work with teachers. I have teacher friends. Some of them are very capable. Some are not.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 05/04/2025 16:23

OutandAboutMum1821 · 05/04/2025 16:20

That’s actually a fair point about getting better friends, I’ve been very disappointed with direct remarks made to me from a few. Similarly disappointed with 2 male friends of my DH’s who constantly badger him about why he is still a classroom teacher after 15 years and not a deputy or head teacher. They are much more money driven than him, and openly criticise him. I don’t like it.

Agree with you about ASDA’s missing stock as well, I find online much better from there than in store, especially for clothing.

We have been judged IRL for not moving onto a bigger house. Of course everyone has personal preferences, but the tone of some of the comments made towards us truly haven’t been great.

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If it makes you feel any better @OutandAboutMum1821, we both work FT and I'm quite a high earner, but we live in a very modest little 3 bedroom house. We could have moved to a bigger one years ago, but we don't feel the need, and frankly, a bigger house just means more cleaning!

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 05/04/2025 16:23

I drive quite an old car too!😂

SouthLondonMum22 · 05/04/2025 16:24

OutandAboutMum1821 · 05/04/2025 16:23

Might end up happening if our birth rate keeps declining, you never know…

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I think that's incredibly unlikely. I think they'd be more likely to attempt to make childcare more affordable.

OutandAboutMum1821 · 05/04/2025 16:25

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 05/04/2025 16:07

Thank you, that's very kind.

With hindsight, I strongly suspect that my mum had undiagnosed adhd, and that the problems she experienced as a SAHP were directly linked to that. It would have been better for all of us if she had been able to work, but she was of a generation which believed that staying at home was best for the children and so she felt like she had to sacrifice her own wellbeing for our benefit. Sadly, she didn't realise until much later that having a severely depressed and frustrated mum wasn't really in our best interests either, but she did her best with what she knew at the time. And she couldn't have been more supportive of dsis and me maintaining our careers after having dc of our own, so I will always be grateful for that.

I guess it is her experience that keeps me coming back to these threads... she stayed at home because she believed that she should, and I don't want other women to feel under that level of pressure. Equally, I don't want women to feel under pressure to keep working if they want to stay at home and if their partner is willing and able to support that. Ultimately, I think children thrive best when their parents are happy and thriving, regardless of whether they WOH, SAH or some combination of the two.

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‘I think children thrive best when their parents are happy and thriving’ - that’s a beautifully put, truthful comment which I couldn’t agree more with. We as a society must look after all parents.

OutandAboutMum1821 · 05/04/2025 16:27

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 05/04/2025 16:23

If it makes you feel any better @OutandAboutMum1821, we both work FT and I'm quite a high earner, but we live in a very modest little 3 bedroom house. We could have moved to a bigger one years ago, but we don't feel the need, and frankly, a bigger house just means more cleaning!

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It does, thank you ☺️ We’re pretty out of step with most of our friends these days. Agree about it keeping the cleaning down 😊 I prefer being in the garden, so that works for me 😂

mainecooncatonahottinroof · 05/04/2025 16:27

OutandAboutMum1821 · 05/04/2025 13:09

This all sounds great for your family. Glad it all worked out so well for them. I don’t really know what else I’m supposed to say in response to this?

What I will say is that society nowadays has no time for women who are fulfilled by being at home. As a child, I was identified as being gifted from a young age in all academic subjects. I actually scored 100% in many of my A-Levels, and I have a double first class degree from Cambridge University. None of this is being shared to boast, but to explain that I was under a great deal of pressure from teachers throughout my time in education because of my academic achievements. Despite absolutely loving academia, from as young as I can remember as a child I always knew I wanted children and that I would be a SAHM. I felt a really pull and calling towards it, I never had any genuine desire to work once I’d had children. I had absolutely no support from any teacher when they asked me what I wanted to do when I grew up, many were either baffled or made it clear that they disapproved and thought I was wasting my potential, and I think that is judgmental and wrong. I will actually be complaining if anybody does the same to my own DD should she feel the same.

So I’m very aware the my DD will get nothing but encouragement to pursue any career over staying at home, and sneered at for wanting to be at home…hopefully her seeing me enjoying being at home will actually provide her with a perfectly valid alternative.

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What a waste. Sorry, but it is.

OutandAboutMum1821 · 05/04/2025 16:28

mainecooncatonahottinroof · 05/04/2025 16:27

What a waste. Sorry, but it is.

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Why? I’m happy 😊

mainecooncatonahottinroof · 05/04/2025 16:31

Hengaoxingrenshini · 05/04/2025 16:11

This isn't a quote about whether or not SAHM are 'bettet' than working mothers

This was in response to a quote that said people mothers shouldn't think they deserve respect and having children wasn't a service to society.

I was agreeing that society needs children or on 50 years there will be no one to pay taxes.

Not commenting on whether or not parents work, I work.

And I'm saying that our children will be the taxpayers of the future (unless they decide to be SAHPs!) no matter the working status of their mother. It's not a selling point for SAHMs!

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 05/04/2025 16:31

mainecooncatonahottinroof · 05/04/2025 16:27

What a waste. Sorry, but it is.

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I don't actually agree that it's a waste if the poster is happy.

It wouldn't work for me, but my lifestyle probably wouldn't work for everyone either.

Life isn't a competition and there isn't only one right way of living it.

OutandAboutMum1821 · 05/04/2025 16:32

SouthLondonMum22 · 05/04/2025 16:24

I think that's incredibly unlikely. I think they'd be more likely to attempt to make childcare more affordable.

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That certainly seems to be the priority for now and the near future, I’m thinking longer term. It’s certainly one many countries are considering, and will need to, as many more grapple with the challenges of meeting the needs of ageing populations. I find it all fascinating.

surreygirlzz · 05/04/2025 16:33

The fact is no one cares about other people's lives
People are dying in wards all over the world
In comparison looking after a baby is not such a bad deal
I loved being at home with my baby - far less hassle that working

mainecooncatonahottinroof · 05/04/2025 16:37

OutandAboutMum1821 · 05/04/2025 16:20

That’s actually a fair point about getting better friends, I’ve been very disappointed with direct remarks made to me from a few. Similarly disappointed with 2 male friends of my DH’s who constantly badger him about why he is still a classroom teacher after 15 years and not a deputy or head teacher. They are much more money driven than him, and openly criticise him. I don’t like it.

Agree with you about ASDA’s missing stock as well, I find online much better from there than in store, especially for clothing.

We have been judged IRL for not moving onto a bigger house. Of course everyone has personal preferences, but the tone of some of the comments made towards us truly haven’t been great.

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That's rotten. I'd be distancing myself. I was in the company of friends last night. Two of them (I don't know figures obviously!) are extremely high earners, live in large houses and drive high end cars, go on expensive holidays, eat in fancy restaurants, and neither of them has ever made any crass remarks of that sort. I love them to bits! We're decent earners but not in the same league.

We do live in a 4 bed detached, but we kind of have two as we have 3 children. My car is 14, and I hit a wall 5 years ago and never fixed the dents 😃 Pretty pointless now! I didn't think it was our forever home to begin with but it's turned out that way and I love where we live.

I find Asda online pretty poor too. We don't have a store handy to us but I always shop online anyway.

OutandAboutMum1821 · 05/04/2025 16:38

mainecooncatonahottinroof · 05/04/2025 16:23

Catch a bloody grip, lots of teacher couples work FT with children. My sister and BIL have both managed it as principals!! It's one of the easiest professions to be a parent in, literally, as you have school holidays when they do!! My flabber is totally ghasted!!!

Should have guessed you had been a teacher. Some teachers seem barely capable of tying their own shoelaces from what I see on here and IRL.

My DC1 is also a teacher. My SIL is a retired teacher. I work with teachers. I have teacher friends. Some of them are very capable. Some are not.

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I’m genuinely struggling to understand why you are so confrontational - you’ve lived your life how you’ve wanted right? Nobody has stopped you doing anything you’ve wanted? So why on earth are you so angry towards other people who do things differently?

mainecooncatonahottinroof · 05/04/2025 16:40

OutandAboutMum1821 · 05/04/2025 16:28

Why? I’m happy 😊

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I'm sure you are but don't you ever think about the difference you could be making to so many young lives, not just your own children? It wouldn't diminish your capacity to rear your own youngsters either. Teaching is crying out for intelligent practitioners.

mainecooncatonahottinroof · 05/04/2025 16:41

OutandAboutMum1821 · 05/04/2025 16:38

I’m genuinely struggling to understand why you are so confrontational - you’ve lived your life how you’ve wanted right? Nobody has stopped you doing anything you’ve wanted? So why on earth are you so angry towards other people who do things differently?

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I'm not being confrontational but I will react if I feel put down as a working mother.

OutandAboutMum1821 · 05/04/2025 16:45

mainecooncatonahottinroof · 05/04/2025 16:40

I'm sure you are but don't you ever think about the difference you could be making to so many young lives, not just your own children? It wouldn't diminish your capacity to rear your own youngsters either. Teaching is crying out for intelligent practitioners.

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I am considering returning once my youngest starts school in September. Possibly at the same school (different year group), as I’ve built a great relationship with the Head as a Governor. It will depend for me on whether I can still attend all of their school events. That’s one I refuse to compromise on. I spent 6 weeks every year putting a great deal of effort into preparing my classes for their annual Xmas show, and I think it is wrong that teachers are expected to miss their own children’s.

If not, I’m quite interested in leading baby/toddler groups within school hours.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 05/04/2025 16:51

I do understand not wanting to miss stuff like that. I never wanted to miss it either, and was fortunate enough to be able to dictate my own schedule so I didn't have to.

If teaching doesn't work out, you will have plenty of other transferable skills that you could take elsewhere if you decided that you wanted to.

Hengaoxingrenshini · 05/04/2025 16:54

I wasn't making a comment about whether or not mother's work or stay at home, both options are equally good.

That was no the point of either of my quotes. My quote was saying that people need to have children or in 50 years they're willing be no-one to pay tax.

And the quote I replied quite to, didn't mentioned the working status of parents either. Did you read my reply to you?

I couldn't care less whether parents work.

mainecooncatonahottinroof · 05/04/2025 16:57

OutandAboutMum1821 · 05/04/2025 16:45

I am considering returning once my youngest starts school in September. Possibly at the same school (different year group), as I’ve built a great relationship with the Head as a Governor. It will depend for me on whether I can still attend all of their school events. That’s one I refuse to compromise on. I spent 6 weeks every year putting a great deal of effort into preparing my classes for their annual Xmas show, and I think it is wrong that teachers are expected to miss their own children’s.

If not, I’m quite interested in leading baby/toddler groups within school hours.

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I think you have a lot to contribute.

Surely most principals are ok with school events these days? I know my DC's colleagues get to attend their children's events.

mainecooncatonahottinroof · 05/04/2025 16:58

Hengaoxingrenshini · 05/04/2025 16:54

I wasn't making a comment about whether or not mother's work or stay at home, both options are equally good.

That was no the point of either of my quotes. My quote was saying that people need to have children or in 50 years they're willing be no-one to pay tax.

And the quote I replied quite to, didn't mentioned the working status of parents either. Did you read my reply to you?

I couldn't care less whether parents work.

I'm not seeing what point you are making, but I wasn't disagreeing with you. Just pointing out that society needs children whether their mothers work or don't work?

Hengaoxingrenshini · 05/04/2025 17:02

mainecooncatonahottinroof · 05/04/2025 16:58

I'm not seeing what point you are making, but I wasn't disagreeing with you. Just pointing out that society needs children whether their mothers work or don't work?

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Sorry in my initial post. You said it didn't matter whether their mother worked or not. (Absolutely not!)

Flowed by how ridiculous, so I thought you were offended by my post and wanted to say that I wasn't have ho at working mum's. I'm not.

I'm a working mum

OutandAboutMum1821 · 05/04/2025 17:03

mainecooncatonahottinroof · 05/04/2025 16:57

I think you have a lot to contribute.

Surely most principals are ok with school events these days? I know my DC's colleagues get to attend their children's events.

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Thank you, that’s really kind.

I’ll have a good chat with the Head after Easter. They would be my first choice, and I would like to make some plans for September, as I will have more time to give back to work and/or volunteering once my youngest starts school for sure.

OutandAboutMum1821 · 05/04/2025 17:05

On a slightly different issue, there are so many passionate Mums on this thread that I wish we could all meet in person to march and demand more action for change for our sisters in Afghanistan…I am devastated for them.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 05/04/2025 17:15

OutandAboutMum1821 · 05/04/2025 17:03

Thank you, that’s really kind.

I’ll have a good chat with the Head after Easter. They would be my first choice, and I would like to make some plans for September, as I will have more time to give back to work and/or volunteering once my youngest starts school for sure.

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The school would probably bite your hand off if you offered to volunteer in the classroom. I'm also a school governor and I know ours would... the finances are making it increasingly difficult for them to employ TAs these days, so having an extra qualified teacher in the classroom would undoubtedly be welcomed!