To think SAHM with young DC deserve more respect

[CheekyFawn]

I work full time but currently on maternity leave looking after my 5 months old baby and a toddler DS who is 3 yo.
I just don't know where my time goes. Between breastfeeding baby, getting DS ready for preschool and tidying up the house, cooking meals etc, it just feels like there is no time at all even to have 5 mins of coffee break. I feel it was much better when I was at work couple of months ago when DS was in nursery that I used to get at least a lunch break for an hour or 30 mins at least or time between meetings to have a coffee and look at my phone in peace. I imagine this is I think how a day looks for SAHM with young DC and it's bloody hard. Many people just assume they are not doing much but I think they deserve more respect.

Nothing wrong with what I originally said, it’s a fact we have more time as a couple during our evenings and weekends because we both get everything done during weekdays. That’s common sense. We both value our free time highly. So this works well for us.

Nobody ever comments on the nature of my holidays, the size of my house or where I shop. You absolutely are stereotyping and you are doing it to maintain your sense of superiority over others who don't conform to your life choices. You're alleging that women work outside the home for trivial, material reasons, and you are so much of a better mother because you have taken The High Moral Ground!!!

You were none too subtly putting working mothers down.

Is a nanny to one child not working?
I actually have older kids too and had a few at home at one time. Is that worthy of your respect now 🤣

Quite!

I have had both men and women I know make these comments. That’s the truth!

I have one friend who said she would never dream of holidaying in a caravan or at a Haven site as they are working class and tacky. I have another friend who considers ASDA beneath her. I regularly listen to friends complaining about the size of their own homes, which are already pretty good!

Stating facts about my lifestyle is completely different to putting someone else’s down.

Wow people are very defensive on here! Proving some of the previous poster’s points about this entirely.

People on here and IRL happily state how they could never be a SAHP as if it is the worst thing in the world- it’s really not, plenty of positives!

Back to the original OP (as I’m bored of going round in circles and responding to highly defensive people)…

OP, you are in trenches right now. Anyone who’s spent time with 2 children the age of yours knows this. Hang in there, things get easier as they get a bit older, you can sleep more and have adjusted from going from 1 to 2 children.

Thank you for recognising the unpaid care work SAHPs continue to do beyond their maternity/paternity leave. They definitely don’t sit round not doing much all day. Thank you for recognising that.

Thank you for thinking they deserve more respect. I agree. UK governmental policies purely focus on increasing hours of free childcare for increasingly younger babies and toddlers (which not all parents agree with, need or want). They could have decided to give that money to each set of parents to choose whether to use it to effectively pay themselves/grandparents/other family members to stay at home, but they didn’t. That is because they cannot exert control over SAHPs, so they don’t like us. Luckily, we are pretty strong minded and happy to go against the grain, so on the whole we don’t actually care.

I regularly grill local politicians who knock on my door about their policies to support traditional families where 1 parent stays at home…they largely have nothing of any use to say. I have made clear my displeasure to both them and my local MP, as it’s misogynistic and discriminatory, when ironically we are supposed to value all families (unless they are traditional 🤦🏻‍♀️).

I’d be interested to speak to mothers i Hungary, who are now guaranteed tax exemptions for the rest of their lives to thank them for having larger families…I’m guessing they will feel more respected and valued than mothers in say the US, who desperately need and extension to their pitiful maternity rights.

This is my final comment, as I really am tired of discussing it now. Best of luck to you 😊

Thank you for thinking they deserve more respect. I agree. UK governmental policies purely focus on increasing hours of free childcare for increasingly younger babies and toddlers (which not all parents agree with, need or want). They could have decided to give that money to each set of parents to choose whether to use it to effectively pay themselves/grandparents/other family members to stay at home, but they didn’t. That is because they cannot exert control over SAHPs, so they don’t like us. Luckily, we are pretty strong minded and happy to go against the grain, so on the whole we don’t actually care.

Why the fuck should you get paid to stay at home? It doesn’t benefit the economy in any way shape or form!

It’s nothing to do with control (I’m certainly not controlled!) - money talks. You put in, you get heard.

I regularly grill local politicians who knock on my door about their policies to support traditional families where 1 parent stays at home…they largely have nothing of any use to say. I have made clear my displeasure to both them and my local MP, as it’s misogynistic and discriminatory, when ironically we are supposed to value all families (unless they are traditional 🤦🏻‍♀️).

I used to write government policy. I don’t know any civil servant or politician that would want one that actively encouraged women to choose to reduce their opportunities for independence in this way. Traditional is regressive. (15 children in a 2 bed terrace and a shared bath once a week type regressive.)

As it's already been pointed out though, not everyone works in such inflexible jobs. Especially these days.

DH and I both work from home the vast majority of the time which means we can also get everything done during weekdays as we can flex around each other.

How could you possibly know what my realm of experience is? Have you ever been a SAHM?

The OP is on mat leave at the moment and posting that she is finding it difficult.

The clue is in the title - someone who repeatedly does the same thing.

You personally have posted 761 comments about SAHMs, it's quite obsessive.

This I agree with. I think the SAHMs who are not being appreciated by their husbands/children are the ones who start threads like this. Though OP isn't a SAHM.

I don't think the vast majority of SAHM are seeking anything at all from the wider public, MN is not a fair representation of anyone.

I know I have an easier life than most women. I know my friends have to work and do the household chores and childcare on top, even those who spilt the domestic stuff with their partners are spending all weekend just catching up to do it all over again on Monday. I've been there and done that, it was depressing.

This is part of the reason why women in particular are so desperately unhappy according to latest studies.

It's kind of hilarious/naïve to start a SAHM thread on MN looking for positive answers though...

This is the truth many don't like to hear...

Choice ..... that is what generations of women fought for on our behalf.
The right to vote, the right to choose to be educated, the freedom to work out of or in the home.

Some of this we now have.

What they did not fight for was for women's choices to be graded and judged, for one to be seen as better than another.

Pursuing a career is fine. Being a SAHM is fine. Doing a bit of both is fine. Sharing roles with a partner is fine. Stop with the value judgements!

But in reality economics hampers choice and people (of either gender) have to work even when they might prefer to stay at home to bring up their children.

Eh?! We both work full time. We don’t do any housework at the weekend or evenings (apart from cook dinner and clear up after, and maybe a 5sec job of turning on the washing machine). We spend quality time as a family and everyone is relaxed. I can’t remember the last time we bickered!!

@MerlinsBeard1

You personally have posted 761 comments about SAHMs, it's quite obsessive.

Christ that’s creepy. Are you the SAHM thought police?

You know people are allowed to post on things that interest them, right? @SouthLondonMum22 is entitled to do this as much as you are.

But there was something wrong with what you originally said, because a) you implied that people who choose not to have a SAHP make this choice because they are not "savvy enough" and b) you suggest that they will be constantly bickering at each other as a result. I don't know whether you intended to be patronising or to promote negative stereotypes about couples where both partners work, but that was the effect.

The fact is, lots of couples choose for both of them to maintain their careers because that's what they want to do, and not because they haven't considered having a SAHP. And many have the kind of mutually respectful and cooperative relationships where they are genuinely able to support each other in doing so, without the kind of "constant" bickering that you imply is inevitable.

You are pretending to be all innocence here, but there are a few of your posts on this thread where you are not so subtly trying to assert that your way is the best way. And it might well be best way for you and your family, and that's great. But it won't be best for everyone, and attempting to assert the superiority of your own set-up doesn't actually make things better for anyone.

Sorry, but what do you think is actually "true" here?

Is it true that couples with a SAHP probably have a bit more free time than couples who both work? Yes, in most cases.

Does that mean that couples with a SAHP are "more savvy"? No.

Does it mean that couples who both work have poor relationships or that they are constantly bickering with each other? No.

Does it mean that couples who both work are always run ragged and have no time for anything else? No.

You're assuming that people are criticising this post because the pp is saying things that they don't want to hear. Maybe we're just saying that it doesn't resonate with our own lived experience because it is based on assumptions and stereotypes that aren't actually accurate.

The point is, anyone can talk about their own experiences and how their specific choices have made things easier for them. Or indeed harder for them. I have no argument with any of that. I do have an issue with people extrapolating from their own individual experience to make sweeping generalisations that don't reflect the reality of life for the rest of us.

An interesting read for you on this topic…remember when women actually respected unpaid domestic labour so much that they did passionately campaign for its economic value to be recognised and for it to be financially compensated? No need to swear to make your point either btw 😂

www.theguardian.com/society/2025/feb/07/wages-for-housework-movement-still-controversial-40-years-on

If you actually read my post properly, I was directly comparing this to my own experiences of working FT without children. Do you know many teachers? Having 2 FT teachers for us is untenable with young children. When you are teaching, you are out of the house, zero time to do life admin or even answer your own phone, zero WFH, zero school runs, often zero time to attend school functions of your own children, teachers also feel incredibly guilty about taking any time off sick as they care about leaving their classes. If we had continued this with young children, our evenings and weekends for us would have been far more stressful than having me at home. Surely that is obvious compared to other industries?

I took exception to the previous poster for criticising women who ‘let men off the hook’ by taking on the domestic load, as I feel she completely overlooked any advantages to this for the entire family, not just Dad! I’d rather my DH spent his weekends with our children rather than picking up housework for me to make a point, how childish and petty!

I do actually have many friends in different industries who WFH and often voice note me whilst on a break/putting a wash on/painting and decorating, so I am fully aware other parents manage these things during the day around work too. WFH has been a positive development for working families, that’s great too!

That sounds great, I applaud anyone who has autonomy over their working day and makes work work for them 👌🏻 WFH options are a very positive development for working families in my opinion.

I’m not sure these sorts of posts help. We’ve all dealt with sick children, not related to working status.

If, on the day you describe, you had been at work then nursery would have called you to collect the child. You’d still have dealt with vomiting, bathed, scrubbed the buggy etc. Plus you’d have the guilt/hassle of leaving work, possibly work hours to catch up on in the evening on top. Working parents still deal with sick children and infinite housework, chores etc.