To think SAHM with young DC deserve more respect

[CheekyFawn]

I work full time but currently on maternity leave looking after my 5 months old baby and a toddler DS who is 3 yo.
I just don't know where my time goes. Between breastfeeding baby, getting DS ready for preschool and tidying up the house, cooking meals etc, it just feels like there is no time at all even to have 5 mins of coffee break. I feel it was much better when I was at work couple of months ago when DS was in nursery that I used to get at least a lunch break for an hour or 30 mins at least or time between meetings to have a coffee and look at my phone in peace. I imagine this is I think how a day looks for SAHM with young DC and it's bloody hard. Many people just assume they are not doing much but I think they deserve more respect.

Is it?
How on earth do you know this?

I saved a lot when I was working FT and also brought inherited money to our family
DH earned more than I did, we share everything.
I only worked very PT when my DC were little but maxed out my pension .
You probably would have looked at me and thought the same.
If DH and I divorced I would have been fine.

The Schadenfreude is a bit transparent -keeping yourself warm with other people's downfall is not a nice character trait.

Thousands of threads on here.

Countless women who weren’t married and had no safety net when they stepped off the ladder and put their financial future in the hands of a man.

Many whose husbands had ltd companies and were able to keep their wealth away from the divorces.

Women trying to get back into work and struggling due to years out and having to manage 100% of the childcare because their ex “did nothing” and walked away.

Women having to work well into their 70s because they have no pensions outside of the state pension.

I was better off than my DH having bought a house - alone - aged 19. I’d worked pretty much full time from 15 alongside school.

There are always tails on the bell curve. Have a wander around the site - there are a LOT of women who aren’t in your position.

Well exactly -everyone's circumstances are different, the crucial thing is to stop making assumptions.
And the issue is... abusive men who hide money, do not take responsibility for their children and a patriarchal society which allows it.

The answer is not to rage at every SAHM who asks a question on a forum but to tackle inequality and prioritise issues such as child poverty( 25%) and removing CSA loopholes

"Play the game not the player"

Plenty of that isn't exclusive to SAHM's and largely depends on the type of career you have.

I manage my own diary at this point in my career so will also never have anyone tell me that I can't see my child's show.

It’s “hate the game……..”. :D

Do you not see that women who opt to be SAHMs and “do everything” for their children and all the domestic labour and let their partners/husbands off the hook are part of the issue?

my husband was away 5.5 days a week when I was on mat leave. I still didn’t do more than half of the housework.

In what way would you like our respect to manifest itself?

Do you actually want our respect? Or does your effort and sacrifice just not seem like it’s being appreciated by your DH? x

It's either -it means the same thing
"Play the ball not the player" another variation on

Do you not see that women who opt to be SAHMs and “do everything” for their children and all the domestic labour and let their partners/husbands off the hook are part of the issue?

Personally I think women should be allowed to make their own choices -being a SAHM was never going to be my choice, however many women WOH AND do all the childcare and domestic tasks as well -read those threads!

Which brings me back to the issue which is why men don't take responsibility for domestic tasks and CC and can just walk away from their children and pay peanuts?

Time to stop blaming women and hold men to account

In reality it's probably more that people don't give a shit whether someone is a SAHM. It doesn't really affect the lives of anyone outside their immediate family

I don’t disagree, but there seems to be a majority of women who end up doing it all whilst on maternity and then begrudgingly allow that afterwards.

And I refer back to an earlier YouTube link to toddler boys being given robot toys and girls getting the dolly by default. It’s on all of us (including the SAHMs that are modelling this to their children).

That’s fantastic to hear you have ownership over your own diary, great for both you and your child.

Unfortunately, teachers have very limited control over theirs, hence why mothers in their thirties are the biggest group statistically leaving the profession, have a quick Google of ‘missing mothers’ if you’re interested.

Fortunately, some schools are finally cottoning onto this, and are allowing some WFH flexibility for PPA and a guarantee that teachers can watch their own child’s Christmas play and Sport’s Day, so that’s something for those still in the profession.

Some partnerships are savvy enough to realise that if one person works and the other focuses on their children/home/errands, then they can free up both of their evenings and weekends. My husband and I ban any of this stuff going on after 7.30pm. As a result, we both have more energy and time to pursue individual hobbies, date nights, intimate time, host games nights for family and friends. We certainly don’t waste our evenings and weekends running ourselves ragged trying to do everything and bickering about who’s not doing what. We are extremely passionate about our hobbies, exercise and social lives, and now thanks to our efficient set up we actually have more time to pursue these things than we did pre-kids! It’s been a game changer 😊

Oh yeah, it isn't going to be possible with every job.

It's one of the things that I love about mine. It is incredibly flexible, though you do have to be in a senior role before you get to be more flexible.

The thing is, my child always came first too, regardless of work, and when I employ parents, I fully understand that their children will always come first too. I never sent my child off to school when she was unwell, I stayed at home to look after her. And I never missed anything in school, because I flexed my schedule around her to attend. And if my child had been unhappy at school, then I would of course have moved her.

Yes, I was lucky to be able to do that flexibility, but it is far from unique. Lots of parents do work flexibly these days, and I have worked in multiple organisations acros more than one sector where "family comes first" is a generally accepted principle.

And the problem with posts like the one above, while perhaps unintended, is that they appear to imply that the kids of working mothers somehow don't come first or that their parents are choosing to deprioritise them in some way. And while that might be true for some (as it is indeed for the children of some SAHPs as well) it definitely isn't true for many of us.

And again, it isn't a question of couples being "savvy enough". It isn't as if we haven't worked out that having a SAHP might make life easier in some ways, although I don't personally relate to the portrait that you paint of couples who both work being run ragged and constantly bickering with each other at all.

It's simply the case that we haven't chosen to organise our own lives according to that particular model - for reasons that will be personal to ourselves and probably different for all of us. It isn't a judgement on you as a SAHP in the slightest, but lots of women wouldn't ever choose your set-up, not because they aren't "savvy enough" to see the potential benefits but simply because they want something different from what you want.

I am genuinely happy that your set up clearly works for you and your family. I am certainly not willing anyone to be miserable.

Have this for bringing up your own children.

It’s possibly because people May think that a SAHM can be as lazy or as hardworking as she chooses whereas, at work, you have to do your job.

That’s all great to hear. Workplaces should be flexible, glad to hear your experiences have been positive. I wish that was the norm for all workplaces. I hear a great deal of negative, but possibly because I know a lot of teachers 😂 one wasn’t allowed time off when her DD was hospitalised, one is currently facing disciplinary action after herself and her children being off with a severe stomach bug. Many have walked or are ready to.

I do have friends in the private sector where things are better. I’ve certainly been treated well as a school governor, experiencing how Zooming in/doing courses online from home can be beneficial around caring for young children. My Head even allowed me to bring my then toddler to some visits, which was incredibly generous of her. Sadly WFH/remote options are not available for many professions.

Yes, I do appreciate that parents in some sectors/roles don't have the flexibility that I enjoyed. We need to get better at this as a society, though options will always be limited in some fields, for obvious reasons.

I think there are people who recognise that not all 'work' is paid, and those who only equate work with being paid. And those in the latter group can be disrespectful to sahm, yes. I've experienced it myself and it is frustrating. The hardest part imo of being a sahm is that the tasks you do have to be done over and over all day. You don't get the same sense of satisfaction over completing a task that you can get in a job. It is both overstimulating and underestimating at the same time. When people comment about doing the housework after work etc they don't always recognise that I've cooked and cleaned and tidied after my toddler all day (mess he would not have made in nursery, meals he would not have needed me to make etc.) I have had stressful days at work and stressful days at home. I judge no one over their choices but have had comments about my own. Overall though I know my reasons for doing it and it works for me and my family.

Well bully for you for your foresightedness and savviness.

Do you understand how bloody patronising that is?!

One toddler 🙄

About as patronising as people going on and on to me about how they couldn’t possibly survive without their 4/5 bedroom house (who definitely look down their noses on our 3 bedroom house)/playroom (because toys in a living room are such a chore!)/expensive skiing holidays/2 cars/food shopping at Waitrose (Aldi does us just fine! 😂) etc etc etc…

And now the stereotyping starts...

The thing is, I complete agree that that's patronising and annoying.

But two wrongs don't make a right?

No stereotyping, things actual people in real life say.