MIL taking over Mother’s Day

[Pinkhat123]

This Is my first year as a mom of 3 and I was quite looking forward to spending some time with my DH and DC on Mother’s Day and do something special together like go for a meal, go for a nature walk etc (nothing OTT). I was also looking forward to my first lie in (realistically til 8am/9am) and a cup of tea in bed which I was promised.

However my DH just updated me that he is going to invite his mum and step dad for lunch out on Mother’s Day. Whilst I usually have no issue with this I can’t help but feel sad that “my” day is going to be completely over shadowed by the MIL and she it will be all about grandmothers! Therefore I won’t get a simple lie in (which I so desperately need) or a cup of tea as the MIL will arrive at 9/10am after a 3hr journey. She will make it all
about her own while I’m running around feeding them
and entertaining them etc. I feel she already had her time with her DC, this is my time now.

I’ll add last year she made a complete drama that she didn’t receive any gifts on Mother’s Day from her grandchildren or DC…. At 1pm the delivery man arrived with a bunch of flowers we had already planned for her.

And another note, my eldest had surgery today. (MIL is never is part of any childcare plan, she comes to our house whenever it suits her like every 2-3 months.) And on the phone MIL wants to come now, i blurted out “no thanks I need to keep DS infection free and away from people”. She looked at me in such an evil way like he’s her child she will do what she wants.

Before people ask- yes I know I can just ask my DH to cancel or not invite her but this will cause a load of agro and im just seeking an opinion as to whether I should stick to my guns-
its Mother’s Day not grandmothers day! DH thinks I’m being unreasonable.

AIBU- to be craving just a little me time and time alone with my own 3 children for the first time.

YABU- you should suck it up and it’s a day for her too.

Everyone is just responding to what you've written!
It was DH who invited his mum, but you described it as her taking over. All she's done at this point is accept an invitation. And having invited her, from what you'd written he was incapable of making sure you still got a lie in, cooking, buying her flowers or hosting. You said yourself that you were expecting to sacrifice your day to facilitate allthat, but that's nothing to do with her and everything to do with him not putting a shift in with the extra work he's created for the day.
It's lovely if that's not the case and he is far more capable and less flaky than you'd initially suggested, but posters haven't made things up, we have taken your words at face value.

This is absolutely correct, she’s asked a question and is now just being rude to anyone that disagrees. She needs to grow up and realise she’s not the only person in her dh life and she’s certainly not his mother!

It might be interesting to hear what Mother's Day looked like for her, when her children were young - did her mother in law come, did she spend it with her own mother, does DH have any siblings, did FIL book lunch, buy flowers, take over at home, what are her reasons that Mother's Day is important to her.. what are your's. If you explored this together with her, you might understand her motivations and might be able to share with her, why it is important to you.

Often, I find, that grandparents have expectations / behaviours that bear no resemblance to how they behaved at the same stage of life and that gently reminding them of that, or simply being aware of that, can be helpful.

I haven’t been rude. I have commented to you who was talking about my mother being dead which was a wrong and horrible presumption.

if I was being “rude to anyone who disagreed” with me then I would have replied to everyone who has disagreed with me, but in fact, I have actually taken on what they have said and they have been very valid opinions. if anything you are being rude.

I wrongly assumed that because you hadn’t even mentioned your mother or doing anything for/with her. I’ve read some of your comments to others as well as myself, you are totally self absorbed, you came on mumsnet for validation you were right. As far as a lot of us are concerned, you’re not! It’s a day for all mums not a select few and us grown ups can deal with that! You can send another reply if you like, but I’ve no wish to engage further, so goodbye and good luck with your Mother’s Day.

@Lyraloo if you had read the OP's posts properly, you would have seen that she did actually state that her mother lives abroad (yesterday 21.55) ....

Make it clear to dh that you will be having a lie in and going out for a stroll in nature with dc and to enjoy some food which you haven't cooked yourself.... in a cafe ir pub or restaurant...You will not be slaving in the kitchen to keep his dm happy. He's welcome to join you but if these plans don't suit dmil then he can russle around after her himself.

I’m sure she would get over it. I wouldn’t expect my adult children to include me in their Mother’s Day celebrations. That sounds like putting far too much pressure on them.

"Oh that's nice darling. I'll be lying in until at least 10am and then I'm going to have a nice long bubble bath, so you two have a lovely time when she arrives and I'll be ready to leave at lunchtime. Don't forget to get the kids ready too."

My own mother wouldn’t do this to me let alone someone else’s! My presents arrived today and I overheard my eldest talking with her dad about flowers I might like. I will not be getting out of bed until 11am or do any sort of proper parenting/cleaning/cooking. You need this too and I would be infuriated with someone messing with that. Tell him NO.

No arguing, no selling, no pleas about your MH nothing just NO.

Bit sad having to wait for one day in the year to get a cup of tea in bed and a sleep in.

Definitely. But her dh has a big important job so can’t possibly help out at home.

Can you have your cake and eat it? Can your DH be the one doing all the running around, feeding and entertaining his folks, whilst still making you tea in bed and allowing you your lie-in?

On a side note, I'd say if your in-laws live 3 hours away and they visit you every 2-3 months, that seems like they're pretty invested in you and your kids...

I think it is both Mother's and Grandmother's day. I would do an afternoon high tea for her. Arranged by DH...let her arrive at 2pm instead.

You're about 3 months late with this advice.

3 months late or 9 months early...depends on how you view things.

Don't be sad, tell him no. If you let him roll over the top of you, he will keep doing it.

What did you actually end up doing?