MIL taking over Mother’s Day

[Pinkhat123]

This Is my first year as a mom of 3 and I was quite looking forward to spending some time with my DH and DC on Mother’s Day and do something special together like go for a meal, go for a nature walk etc (nothing OTT). I was also looking forward to my first lie in (realistically til 8am/9am) and a cup of tea in bed which I was promised.

However my DH just updated me that he is going to invite his mum and step dad for lunch out on Mother’s Day. Whilst I usually have no issue with this I can’t help but feel sad that “my” day is going to be completely over shadowed by the MIL and she it will be all about grandmothers! Therefore I won’t get a simple lie in (which I so desperately need) or a cup of tea as the MIL will arrive at 9/10am after a 3hr journey. She will make it all
about her own while I’m running around feeding them
and entertaining them etc. I feel she already had her time with her DC, this is my time now.

I’ll add last year she made a complete drama that she didn’t receive any gifts on Mother’s Day from her grandchildren or DC…. At 1pm the delivery man arrived with a bunch of flowers we had already planned for her.

And another note, my eldest had surgery today. (MIL is never is part of any childcare plan, she comes to our house whenever it suits her like every 2-3 months.) And on the phone MIL wants to come now, i blurted out “no thanks I need to keep DS infection free and away from people”. She looked at me in such an evil way like he’s her child she will do what she wants.

Before people ask- yes I know I can just ask my DH to cancel or not invite her but this will cause a load of agro and im just seeking an opinion as to whether I should stick to my guns-
its Mother’s Day not grandmothers day! DH thinks I’m being unreasonable.

AIBU- to be craving just a little me time and time alone with my own 3 children for the first time.

YABU- you should suck it up and it’s a day for her too.

Surely anyone with even basic social skills knows that you don't turn up at 9am when you've been invited for lunch.

Completely this. I get a lie-in every weekend and a sacrosanct, protected and guarded by DP “leave me alone in silence, I’m having a cup of tea” moment frequently. He pulls his weight and I know from the frequent whispering and giggling with DD5 that Mother’s Day plans are afoot too.

In the same circumstances, if his mum visited at 9/10am, I’d still get my lie-in and tea, he’d wrangle the DC and host her while I got ready, and he can cook more than dippy eggs (though I am fond of a dippy egg).

In classic MN wisdom, it’s not a MIL problem but a DH one.

I do wonder if there is a relationship between the perceived importance of Mother's Day and family dynamics on the other 364 days of the year.

Also, thanks to SM, Mother's Day has become an opportunity to tell the world how much your partner (not children) value you. Their own parents seem to get in the way of that, turning everything into a competition.

He can order in breakfast.

I mean this is what I’d do

enjoy your lie in get up and say hi as they arrive / you walk out the door and come back for lunch and then do for your planned nature walk with kids

I'm sure there is. I get treated well, with kindness and appreciation and full splitting of the work of parenting all year round. As such MD is a nice little thing where DC will want to make me breakfast in bed and make cards at school and that's all I need or want. I will be getting a lie-in but I get a lie-in every weekend.

We are going out for lunch this year with MIL as well. I have no desire to ring fence the day for myself because there's no history of shit behaviour DH has to make up for.

Be firm. Say they’re not to arrive before 11am

if you are going out for lunch, that’s alright isnt it? You not being asked to cook

My take on it is that it’s about priorities.

OP wants her husband to prioritize her WITHOUT having to ask. Which really isn’t unreasonable. As his wife, she ought to be his priority.

I find it interesting that it’s been suggested that OP celebrate a week later. Why couldn’t MIL wait a week instead? After all, plans had already been made for OP. I don’t see why she’s the one who has to change.

Mother’s Day can be difficult when people have set expectations. My MIL wanted a full day out with DH and DS not sure she’d be bothered if I was there 😂
What we’ve offered is a walk in the morning to a lovely area with a play area for DS. Then home for DS nap and to my DM in the afternoon.
I think you need to make it work for you… you’ll meet at the restaurant not at 9am that’s crazy! And carry on with your walk afterwards and make it clear it’s for DH to host his mum.
Also Mother’s Day shouldn’t be the only day you get a lie in … I get one every weekend

This is much too sensible for anyone to agree! ( though I do) .

If DH is actually a nice enough bloke( not the automatic MN villain) he will welcome the opportunity to please / placate his mother - and he will love you for it.

She had her time with young children. Does she have any other adult children she can impose upon? I think Mother’s Day is a bit of a fuss about nothing though. You should get breaks/a lie in other days of the year rather than make a ceremony out of one day

This. Stay in bed. Relax. He can cook or order in. Mother’s Day isn’t a day for you to work hard to treat his mother, whilst he relaxes and entertains her.

@PyongyangKipperbang , actually the arrangement we have is that my sons alternate between being with their MILs and me on the actual day but if they’re not with me on Mothering Sunday we get together to celebrate as close to the time as possible. My DILs mothers are also important.

Or he can take you all out.

@saraclara , you would think so wouldn’t you but it seems that there are some young women who absolutely cannot tolerate sharing even a beam of the spotlight. Aren’t we lucky to have decent DILs who love our sons enough to not create issues where none need exist?
Have a lovely Mother’s Day with your family.

But you haven’t told him that you don’t want this. So he doesn’t know.
Talk to him.

Situations and people like this rely on you not saying a word.
Speak up with your husband, change the lunch booking to somewhere half way between and meet there at the right time.
There's space for compromise here.

Your husband sounds like a lazy useless man that is afraid of his mother.
Weak and so unattractive.

Saw no and mean it.
Go and spend time with your mother.
Put your foot down.

OP is not only expected to share the beam, she’s expected to provide it to her MIL.

I”ll ignore your ageism.

how is she being expected to put full beam on MIL?

She can - if she uses her words - have her lie-in with tea for as long as she likes.
In fact, if MIL arrives early, the chances are DC and DH will be further occupied so OP can extend the lie-in.

Then they all go to lunch. OP gets attention from her DC, MIL gets some attention from DH, and all the mums are covered.

But. There is a DH problem here, he needs to learn to do much more of the parenting and adulting, and there needs to be agreement with both of them before anyone is invited.

You're right, it's mothers day - so why the hell is she getting flowers from the grandkids?

My XFIL saw nothing wrong with coming at 9am on Sunday morning.

@Picklelily99 I always used to give a card and small gift to my gran. My DM gives a small gift to me. We celebrate mothers in the family

This.

Even when clearly not invited at 9am?