MIL taking over Mother’s Day

[Pinkhat123]

This Is my first year as a mom of 3 and I was quite looking forward to spending some time with my DH and DC on Mother’s Day and do something special together like go for a meal, go for a nature walk etc (nothing OTT). I was also looking forward to my first lie in (realistically til 8am/9am) and a cup of tea in bed which I was promised.

However my DH just updated me that he is going to invite his mum and step dad for lunch out on Mother’s Day. Whilst I usually have no issue with this I can’t help but feel sad that “my” day is going to be completely over shadowed by the MIL and she it will be all about grandmothers! Therefore I won’t get a simple lie in (which I so desperately need) or a cup of tea as the MIL will arrive at 9/10am after a 3hr journey. She will make it all
about her own while I’m running around feeding them
and entertaining them etc. I feel she already had her time with her DC, this is my time now.

I’ll add last year she made a complete drama that she didn’t receive any gifts on Mother’s Day from her grandchildren or DC…. At 1pm the delivery man arrived with a bunch of flowers we had already planned for her.

And another note, my eldest had surgery today. (MIL is never is part of any childcare plan, she comes to our house whenever it suits her like every 2-3 months.) And on the phone MIL wants to come now, i blurted out “no thanks I need to keep DS infection free and away from people”. She looked at me in such an evil way like he’s her child she will do what she wants.

Before people ask- yes I know I can just ask my DH to cancel or not invite her but this will cause a load of agro and im just seeking an opinion as to whether I should stick to my guns-
its Mother’s Day not grandmothers day! DH thinks I’m being unreasonable.

AIBU- to be craving just a little me time and time alone with my own 3 children for the first time.

YABU- you should suck it up and it’s a day for her too.

But why does OP have to tun around her? It’s not HER mother.

How many lie in have you had since the baby was born? Because, assuming you are up in the night with said baby, the answer should be LOTS! But you make it sound like you never get a lie in, is that right? If so, that's a much bigger problem.

So you wanted to spend mother's day with your DH & DC, but he's going to work. I'm confused. Which day is your MIL visiting - on Saturday or Sunday?

Your mil sounds just as selfish as the one op has. Why they can't just be grateful for the many years they had it all about them and graciously step back a little to allow their ds to focus on their dil is a mystery. They should be speaking to their ds and reassuring them that they understand, will see them at another time near the day and reminding them that they need to make a fuss of their dil on the day itself for all they do. I feel for you and hope you have a lovely day regardless x

MIL hasn't actually done anything wrong yet she's just accepted an invitation form her son. Currently he's the problem!
You need to start with letting him know that you don't appreciate him making plans without discussing them first, especially on a day that is meant to be all about you. Ask him if he can talk to his parents and revert to your original plans.
If they can't be changed (they can) then you make it clear to him that you expect to be sticking to your plans as much as possible, so you'll still have a lie in, he'll still bring you tea in bed, it'll still be your choice of activities, he'll be the one hosting his guests.
Don't write the day off when it's not happened yet, but do get proactive at making it the day you planned.

I have just laughed aloud at the suggestion MILs have had their day and should graciously step aside. We are still mothers - I am happy for my sons to make a fuss of their wives, but I do expect them to remember I am still a mum!

This doesn’t have to be a big drama. Say to DH for MIL to arrive at 11 (does she really leave at 6am to get there for 9??). You have your lay in and breakfast. And then when she arrives, your DH makes the tea etc.

My suggestion. So what kind of mil are you? happy with just a card on the day and seeing your ds on another day to allow him space to focus on dil? Or do you try to muscle in on their plans to make it all about you?

What is there to think through?

Just tell your husband that you don't want to spend mother's day entertaining his parents and that you deserve to be made a fuss of, as the mother of his children. Tell him to send his mum some flowers and make plans to host her some other time. And learn to cook something other than dippy eggs so that next time she comes to stay you don't have to do all the cooking.

Frankly if he's this useless, I'm not sure I'd want to be congratulating her for a job well done on mother's day. Did she seriously never teach him how to stick a chicken in the oven and roast it?

Why, as a mother of 3 young children, should I be expected to share Mothers Day with my MIL? What current daily sacrifices is my MIL making to care for my DH? Are you also expecting that your DIL has to share the day with you? Would she want to?

Buying a gift & popping in for a while is one thing, but why do I need to be taking her out for lunch on Mother’s Day? She has had plenty of her own.

Tell DH you will not be getting out of bed before 9am and until you have had tea brought to you, come hell or high water. And yo tell MIL not to arrive til 11am.

Or tell him to cancel her on grounds of Dc surgery / convalescence.

YANBU to be annoyed that he arranged this without discussion.

However, YABU to come out with this:
its Mother’s Day not grandmothers day!
She is his mother. It's her day too You don't stop being a mother when your kids have kids, FFS.

But yep, absolutely wrong for him to book something and tell her without discussing the day with you.

Added to which, the DIL most likely has a mother of her own.

Even if you take the view that the moral obligation to see your mother on mother's day continues indefinitely even when you have children of your own and their mother deserves to be treated on mother's day, and that the mother of your children has to wait until there is no longer an older generation of mothers in the family, unless you plan to host your mother and MIL simultaneously every year, how is it going to work?

The OP doesn't mention her own mother at all, but since last year was all about her MIL, it is clearly not her MIL's turn.

Does her DH not have any siblings?

He definitely should have asked you before making plans. I'd definitely insist on meeting at the restaurant at lunch time, rather than them coming to your house in the morning. Or, you be busy with your children and your own mum, while he entertains his?no way you should have to make her cups of tea. I like seeing my Mum on mother's day, but she always says it's for the mums who are busy looking after young children, and she wants her daughters to be celebrated with their children. (My MIL on the other hand... Wants to be taken out for tea at a venue really not suitable for our toddlers....)

@Pinkhat123 , you’ve already made up your mind and the Mumsnet hate for MIL’s has your back so doubtless my words will fall on deaf ears.
One day you will understand that your job as a mother never ends. Your worry never abates. Your fears never retreat (completely). To accept the mantel of ‘mother’ is the greatest honour, it is without any question the greatest privilege but.. It is also the greatest sacrifice of your life. All through history ‘mother’ has been celebrated and revered. We are the earth and all her creations, we are life, we are one. We aren’t supposed to be squabbling with each other!
Your MIL is STILL a mother that will never end. One day you will understand, that will never end. You are denying your MIL her right and you are denying your partner his desire to honour his mother. In my opinion you don’t understand what it is to be women.
You’ve probably not made it down this far. I didn’t say what you wanted to hear but I will leave you with this. Above all else our children learn from us and they learn especially how to treat others. You are in the active process of teaching your children how to treat you when you are old. Remember that.

Why does MIL have the right to be treated on mother's day but not the OP?

But you have a husband - ie the other parent of your children - to give you a break?

@MissScarletInTheBallroom , of my gosh! Did I suggest that? That very definitely was not my intention. We are all mothers, we are all part of the ‘mother’. We are all valuable and worthy of respect and admiration. We are equal. 🙏🏻

So we've had "it's mother's day not grandmother's day" and now "she's had her time".

Classic Mumsnet.

Give it ten or twenty years (depending on the age of your kids now) and see how you feel about those MN tropes then.

I adore my adult kids and my grandkids,, and if anything I worry about my DDs more now, then I did back then.
I don't expect to be prioritised on Mother's Day at all, but jeeze, those phrases are so dismissive of mothers who have the effrontery to grow older.

Yes, OK.

So the point of this post is, the OP (who has three young children including a baby and is therefore deep in the trenches of motherhood at the moment) was looking forward to what sounds like the absolute bare minimum of special treatment on Mother's Day, and her husband has unilaterally decided that what she would actually like to do on Mother's Day is host his mother for him. (Including doing all the hard work, because he's strategically incompetent and "can only cook dippy eggs", apparently.)

When does she get to be worthy of respect and admiration for all she does for their family? When does she get to be celebrated?

She says in her post that she doesn't even think she'll get her lie in and cup of tea because her mother in law won't be happy with arriving for lunch at actual lunchtime, preferring to set off at 6am so she can monopolise their entire day rather than just the best part of it.

Nobody has defended his decision to do that without even discussing it first. No-one.

The dismissive attitude to mothers who've become grandmothers is a side issue that's come up on this thread (as it always does on MD threads) and we can respond to those posts while still saying that OP is not being unreasonable. And most of us have done both.

Misogyny and ageism in one post. Wow. 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

Perhaps you should be directing the anger to your DH? But no. Of course not. Blame a woman instead. 🙄

No one's suggesting the mil isn't a mother anymore FFS.

She's had years of being the "active parent mode" mother. Had her little children make her paper daffodils and felt like it's her special day.

Now OP has to sit in the wings, so MIL, who's "kid" is now 40 odd can make her self- importance felt. She's a grandmother now, with a new first generation of mothers in the family. But it's still about her. She's the priority. She's a selfish old bag, frankly.

Mother's day is for every mother( and all those who may not have children but care for others ) Mothers who have young children are no more important than those whose children are older. Mother's day is always a juggle and ways have to be found around it. Some give and take is often required. As the OPS husband has booked a meal out surely both mothers are getting a treat.

Let the following weekend be yours and get your lie in then and sort out lie ins for other weekends too