MIL taking over Mother’s Day

[Pinkhat123]

This Is my first year as a mom of 3 and I was quite looking forward to spending some time with my DH and DC on Mother’s Day and do something special together like go for a meal, go for a nature walk etc (nothing OTT). I was also looking forward to my first lie in (realistically til 8am/9am) and a cup of tea in bed which I was promised.

However my DH just updated me that he is going to invite his mum and step dad for lunch out on Mother’s Day. Whilst I usually have no issue with this I can’t help but feel sad that “my” day is going to be completely over shadowed by the MIL and she it will be all about grandmothers! Therefore I won’t get a simple lie in (which I so desperately need) or a cup of tea as the MIL will arrive at 9/10am after a 3hr journey. She will make it all
about her own while I’m running around feeding them
and entertaining them etc. I feel she already had her time with her DC, this is my time now.

I’ll add last year she made a complete drama that she didn’t receive any gifts on Mother’s Day from her grandchildren or DC…. At 1pm the delivery man arrived with a bunch of flowers we had already planned for her.

And another note, my eldest had surgery today. (MIL is never is part of any childcare plan, she comes to our house whenever it suits her like every 2-3 months.) And on the phone MIL wants to come now, i blurted out “no thanks I need to keep DS infection free and away from people”. She looked at me in such an evil way like he’s her child she will do what she wants.

Before people ask- yes I know I can just ask my DH to cancel or not invite her but this will cause a load of agro and im just seeking an opinion as to whether I should stick to my guns-
its Mother’s Day not grandmothers day! DH thinks I’m being unreasonable.

AIBU- to be craving just a little me time and time alone with my own 3 children for the first time.

YABU- you should suck it up and it’s a day for her too.

But it’s “her” day too? She’s a mother. There’s no magic age when one mother outweighs another mother. But generally I think you need to grow up. Teach your kids to treasure you every day, and you them

Bravo ❤️

What’s the issue if your having it on Saturday you can have your lie in on Sunday unless dc very young. I don’t get why women go on about this on here why not say to ur dh before each Mother’s Day I want to do Mother’s Day just us and dc and see ur mum another day then mil will have to accept dc have a family of their own right from day 1.

I'd bugger off to a hotel with a spa the night before and stay there for Mother's Day.

1. my children are all under 4- I have a breastfed baby who I am usually up with throughout the night and 2 toddlers jumping on me in the morning very early for breakfast every day.
2. my DH works as a pilot so isn’t around on Sunday and isn’t around a few days per week so I am pretty much on my own those days.
3. my MIL won’t help with childcare.
4. my MIL will only come to our house when it suits her and when she isn’t in a holiday (which is very month of the year). She wants to come on Saturday as my DS had surgery this week and it’s the only day she doesn’t have something on. She will also have Mother’s Day on Sunday celebrated in her own time.
5. my mother lives in another country.
6. we have dedicated Saturday to Mother’s Day because of our busy schedules. My DH is working Sunday.
7. hopefully you get my point now.

"That's nice, but I am still having my lie in till 9am, and would still like my cup of tea in bed. You and MIL can sort the kids out, and I'll get ready for lunch at my own pace"

MIL has no idea how to sort out 2 toddlers, I don’t mean it in a nasty way but she admits she isn’t able to manage their energy and it would be unsafe to leave them with her as she has a bad hip. She isn’t quick enough and she doesn’t have the stamina.

Have you asked your DH to tell her not to come until 12, because you have plans in the morning? And if not, why not?

Your dh can sort out his two dc right?
They are his dc
And at same time make his dm acup of tea
Etc

From info in op this is not MIL taking over, it's DH inviting her without consulting. Yes this is annoying, especially when Pinkhat123 doesn't seem to like MIL very much. Can't really blame MIL for accepting invitation but no need to make it so early - Pinkhat 123 can still have her lie-in.

I think there is two issues here. The main one is that you need some rest and a bit of time to yourself, whatever day that is….that is up to your husband to sort that!

The other issue is that you seem to have an issue with your son wanting to see his mum on Mother’s Day? I am also a MIL and I’m not seeing my son as his wife has said they won’t have time that day as they need to visit her mums grave (I will also be visiting my mums grave) to put flowers on. I haven’t asked for a whole day, just an hour for a coffee. They have no children yet and I have already been cast into the “MIL” role.

So I will spend the day with my lovely daughter.

Mother’s day can be a difficult day for lots of reasons. I hope your day brings you some rest and peace.

I’ve put YABU because Mother’s Day is for all mothers there is not really a time scale on it, it’s not just about you. However I also think YANBU you should have communicated better with your DH about the type of Mother’s Day you would have liked with your DC’s whilst also allowing him opportunity to spend some time with his DM.

if you cook for her then you have no one else to blame but yourself. Make it clear that you won’t be cooking or doing the cleaning/ making the coffees etc. And mean it. Too many women on here martyring themselves.

If dh not around there's no point mil coming. Arrange it for another time

I can see both sides of this, but it’s not about it being Grandmothers day. Your MIL is still your dh’s MOTHER. He has just as much right as you to spend time with his mum as your children have to spend it with you. You’ll think differently about this when you’re older. You’re still a mother no matter how old your children are! Ask DH to get them to arrive no more than an hour before the lunch booking. Even if they arrive at 10am, why can’t you have a lie in?

i agree with this too, being a newly MIL myself

still wondering: why does she arrive at your house at 9am?

have you actually told your dh that you want to spend the morning with your immediate family (him and your 3 dc)?

...and asked him to invite his mother to either (a) meet him at the restaurant, or (b) wait till 11am or 12 noon before she turns up at your home to meet him?
(if it's a 3 hour journey, why not frame it as him wanting her to have a bit of a lie-in herself, and not have to leave her own house at 6am and travel in the dark!?)

you then need to decide if you (and the kids) want to accompany him to this Mothers day lunch that he's planned for his mum, or not. If not, perhaps you could arrange to meet up for an hour or so afterwards, so she can see her dgc before heading home?

reclaim the day for yourself, and choose how you want it to be celebrated....

This is quite patronising “one day you will think quite differently when you are older”. I actually get on quite well with my MIL and I do respect that my DH wants to spend time with his own mother on MD (I did sort out some flowers for her). But I do not respect that (as she has done before) she thinks the whole day is about her and has no respect that I am a mother too, to the point she will kick up a fuss if she isn’t getting enough attention. On this day she is overbearing for some reason. This is why I am put off, you would think differently with that attitude if you were in my situation, especially with a new baby to celebrate with and being pushed aside by her. She has had 40 + Mother’s Days, I have only had 3 so it is quite new to me!

Maybe she has had40 years as a mother but so will you have had some day and your children will, hopefully, then think you might not have many left, and want to spend the day with you! You don’t mention your own mother, so I’m assuming that sadly maybe you no longer have one. I can imagine that mil’s behaviour is tough to handle, so like I said, put some things in place to minimise that. Give them a time to arrive instead of leaving it open, get your children to make a fuss of her but then a special fuss of you so she’s aware it’s your day as well. It’s not a competition, you can both have a lovely day. It’s not patronising to say, you will feel differently when you’re older, I can assure you that when your children are grown and have their own families, nothing will mean more to you than being included in their lives!

Why are you sorting flowers for your MIL? Can't your husband do it?

Why can’t I get them?

You're still being a martyr about the day.
Your DH, with MIL as second in command, is more than capable of looking after his own children and making some cups of tea for a couple of hours.
He is also very capable of buying flowers for his own mother, for a day that is all about showing your own mum how much you appreciate them.
If that's what you want the dynamic in your house to be, then carry on. If you don't though then you need to see that you are a part of the potential for change as much as DH is.

Wow… what’s with the husband hating. Not just you, but also lots of other comments on this thread. Typical Mumsnet I suppose misinterpreting things and coming to strange conclusions.
My DH has bought her another gift
and I have bought her flowers. And yes he is more than capable of looking after the kids on his own and with his own mother too. He is an amazing father. He also works very hard and does a LOT of other jobs around our house but that’s another point.

And @Lyraloo my mother is not dead, she lives in another country. Jeez! I very much love my MIL, she is just difficult on MDs for her own reasons (hence another reason why I have bought some flowers).

My MIL had agreed to come later in the day on Saturday and will join us for lunch. I will get my lie in and cup of tea in bed in the morning and won’t have to entertain which my DH was more than supportive of.

Thank you everyone else for your kind comments.

I mean, if you're getting them for her in your own right as a gift from you to her because you feel she plays a mothering role in your own life, fair enough. But if you're doing it on behalf of your husband, whose mother she actually is, it smacks of "wife work".

Not only is your husband not putting in the work to make you feel appreciated as a mother on Mother's Day, he's also expecting you to do the work of making his mother feel appreciated. It's making Mother's Day a chore for you rather than a time to be celebrated.

"Can't sort out flowers for his own mother" is in the same category as "can only cook dippy eggs" in terms of his overall uselessness, which I think is your real problem here.

how does that matter? Your dh is there. He can sort out the dc and his mum. Tell him how it’s going to be. Tell him you’re sleeping in till 9 then going for a walk and you’ll be back for lunch. Get clothes out the night before, and when you do get up tell mil that you have coffee with a friend. If she says I thought we were doing Mother’s Day, you smile and say that’s right. And I’m a mum, so dh is on deck today. I’ll be back for lunch.