I feel so betrayed and hurt by DH

[Namechange20002]

Have found out tonight that DH has been speaking to his female friend about our sex life, relationship issues, really intimate personal things. I just feel so betrayed, hurt and embarrassed, and I don’t know how to come back from this.

We have three young children and haven’t been having a great deal of sex or intimacy for some time. He’s shared all of this with her, even messaged her: “bought xxx a toy so that she can satisfy herself, this is in the hope that it will help her feel more in the right headspace/mood”

I feel such a deep level of embarrassment and betrayal, I’m such a private person. I would never in a million years share details of our sex life or marriage problems with friends, and I never thought he would have either. Ive honestly never felt betrayed like this, I just don’t know how to move on from this.

Do you even bother to read what op wrote about her dh’s health issues before you come gloating with all the snark?

Sounds like he's planting the seed of being in a "sexless marriage" somehow making himself more available. Ugh gross.
I would struggle to come back from that too. That's so private and something to be discussing with you only.

Agreed. She is giving no encouragement. A sad face emoji here is basically saying ‘shut up’. This is him lying to his friend.

True. Which makes it worse.

It sounds like (best case scenario) he wants friend to agree he's hard done by. HE is the problem, imagine OP complaining to a lifelong male friend "he's ill he can't it up I'm so sad Poor me, please make me feel better"

Exclusive sexual relationships are just that EXCLUSIVE, no-one else should be involved, he has involved a third party without consent from his partner, you are humiliated by HIS behaviour.

OP his hiding from you is so shitty, I'm sorry you're having to go through this. I would be devastated.

The replies from others saying I regularly talk about our sex life with other men, that's great, so long as you'd be willing to share those conversations in front of your partner and friend, that's fine.
If you're not willing to have a threeway convo about your sex life with your mate and your partner that's an issue.

Clearly some mumsnetters think its fine to discuss issues that would likely embarrass their partner with other men, so long as they're not found out.

He needs to grow the f* up, grow a pair of balls and look after and respect his exhausted wife, the mother of his three young children, instead of massaging his shallow, selfish ego with ‘poor sexless me’ texts to this woman . Self- absorbed creep - ugh . Keep strong lovely lady ❤️Xxx

To everyone who talks about their sex life with friends of the opposite sex, Film those chats and play them to your partner while you're sat next to them.

If the thought makes you uncomfortable you're crossing a line. You don't get to pick someone elses line when it comes to sex.

I just want to caution you against taking that video as a sign of genuine remorse or that he is secretly feeling really bad.

My very abusive father used to do the same thing. He would cry and I would comfort him and he was very clever at making us feel sorry for him and like mum was the villain who wouldn't forgive his "mess ups" or "mistakes".

This may not be the case in your situation but I would always go off actions vs words. How is he trying to fix this? How is he trying to SHOW you that he is sorry?

In my opinion it looks like he has got a bit of a crush on this friend. He has probably fantasised a bit whilst your intimate life is struggling. It sounds like she values the friendship but doesn't want a bar of crossing the line. I wonder how far he would have gone in those conversations of she had been encouraging?

It is a tale as old as time... "my horrible wife never has sex with me, we are basically friends and stay together for the children".

He can't be arsed to organise counselling and he blames you for everything wrong in your relationship.

My heart is very hard towards tears. They can very often be used to manipulate. I also don't condone putting children in situations where they are comforting an adult like this.

Do you know her personally? I think if me, I'd like to see her alone f2f, explain all and then listen. She clearly doesn't like him doing this and their long friendship means she puts up with it? She also doesn't know rhe truth. Tell her she will be rhe cause of divorce and you will cite her on the divorce papers.

Tell all your friends. Throw the sex toy away and make sure he knows.

I'd be mortified too. He needs to stop tbh. He is married to you. Not her.

He shouldn't be doing that in front of the kids, it's too stressful for them.

What normally happens when you argue? Does he tend to withdraw? Do you withdraw? Do either of you explode? Does he need time to calm down? How good is your communication normally?

You sound (rightly so) very very angry and realistically I’m assuming not in a space for a rational conversation that wouldn’t descend into a row. He sounds embarrassed and ashamed of his behaviour. But this doesn’t sound like a reciprocal affair, more about him airing feelings in an inappropriate place. I wouldn’t get hung up on him ‘blaming you’ for no sex, you both know the truth if you’ve both got medical issues. He’s presenting his version of events that paint him in a victim light. Out of interest, when she suggests counselling - what’s his response? In his messages does he sound like he hates you / or his relationship? Or is he wants things to get better?

Only you know whether you can forgive him, but if he knows what he’s done is wrong and he assumes you will think it unforgivable, then his reaction now seems very conflict averse, which with kids in the house is perhaps understandable.

I think you need to call him out on this. I would text him tonight and tell him his reaction is almost as hurtful as what he’s done - ask him why he hasn’t apologised, why he isn’t trying to fight for your relationship and fix it?

If you don’t address this with him, you are both effectively ending the relationship.

Maybe he doesn’t want to fix it, maybe he wants out of the relationship, maybe he has not got the skills to know how to address it, who knows - but it would be a tragedy in my opinion to break up a family without trying to have a conversation about this at the very least.

Wtf? Why would the OP lie like this?

Have you even read all the OP's posts?

I’m not sure I’d ask him to leave - his reaction suggests he’d probably welcome that and it would most likely push him straight to her and quite quickly this could escalate and tip into a full blown affair. I would however demand a full and frank apology and if he’s remotely interested in saving the relationship make him show you what he’s going to do to fix this.

His reaction suggests he’s either highly avoidant or he’s been looking for a way out anyway and this is giving him the out while making you the bad guy who has ended it.

"he sat on the floor in ours DS room in tears. Our oldest DS went to check he was ok and give him a hug (he's only 7 bless his little heart) and DH is sobbing saying "Daddy's messed up, Daddy's messed up"

That's terrible. He has nothing for you but is unloading on a 7 year old who can't understand why his dad is crying. He's got to stop playing the victim in front of your children.

If you do decide to stay with him, I'd give him an ultimatum that he has to end his friendship with this woman. I understand they've been friends for years, but with discussing his sex life with her and exchanging these videos and texts, there is a level of intense intimacy there that is completely inappropriate for a married man and another woman to have. Their friendship has to end and he can't talk to her again.

I agree with pp who is sceptical about his crying on the floor of his DC's room.
It sounds very performative.
It fits in with the spirit of his messages to his woman friend - "poor, poor me, feel sorry for me" .
It's so wrong to involve his children in a matter which should be between him and OP. A decent man would have shown remorse to his DW, not started playing for his child's sympathy. Although of course,a decent man wouldn't have been making a play for his woman friend in the first place.
I find this actually quite repugnant.

That does sound like remorse, and if he is able to convey this to you in a genuine way and offer some cast iron reassurances, then maybe not all is lost op.

I would feel devastated too. in your position..

Your sex life is pretty normal given the age of your children, his expectations are the issue here.

He has been speaking to her as a friend, but in way too much detail. Old friendships can be like this, but the onus was on him to protect your privacy and relationship. To prioritise coffee with you.

Wait and see what happens. Take your time to think through your options. Get some real life support in place with someone you trust. Marriage counselling is a possibility.

I agree he should NOT be off loading to a 7 year old child. What is wrong with him that he constantly off loads ho everyone but you? He needs individual counselling, he has some issues himself around playing the victim rather than taking responsibility, and over sharing with everyone but you (avoidant)

I would ask him to go away for the weekend to give serious thought to his marriage and what he has been doing. If he wants to be with his wife and children then things have to change immediately and he needs to own up to his stupid behaviour, agree to have counselling and stop blaming his lack of sex on you. Then you will consider if you can come back from this. If he refuses it tells you all you need to know.

I definately dont think its a given that either party is laying the foundations for even an emotional affair. They could be, but equally he may just be guilty of seeking advice in a clumsy way that has totally invaded OPs privacy and that's incredibly damaging and thoughtless..but they are two very different 'offences'

The OPs husband has been friends with this woman for an extremely long time. He may well view her almost as a sister...one that due to lack of actual blood ties, he feels more comfortable discussing certain things with.

I can remember a couple of times over the years when long-standing male friends have spoken to me and sought advice on private areas of their relationships neither time setting the scene for an affair but invading their partners privacy in doing so. They saw me as a sister. The second time it happened I advised my friend to stop over sharing and pointed out it was an invasion of his partners privacy...he was a thoughtless twat in doing so but I know he was totally smitten with his partner and certainly not on the lookout for anything else.

None of these men should be invading their partners privacy, it's vile but by no means always tangled up with wanting to cheat.

Yes moose62's post just above, and if he refuses to end his friendship with this 'friend', then that will tell you all you need to know, too.

Yes. You'd know they'd be off to recount it all to the woman. Very offputting.

I agree with this.... I talk to my (girl)friends about my relationship issues, possibly guys are not approachable for these kids of talks? But I would also prefer my H NOT talk to other women about this, I would never tell another men anything of the sort, because its very intimate talks and it creates a vibe where there's space for an affair, IMO....

She split with her husband and got into a new relationship, which recently ended. Since then she has been leaning on DH to talk through her problems, keeps wanting to meet for a coffee etc, when me and DH rarely get the time to go for a coffee.

This is key, @Namechange20002. H and OW clearly invested in a KISA/Damsel dynamic, which can be very intoxicating and can result in inappropriate intimacy and reliance when strong boundaries are not set. Many have gone down this slippery slope to emotional and physical infidelity. [See Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass] Along the way, they reversed the roles and H began to confide in OW on a highly personal level. He played the victim, lied, skewed the truth, betrayed your trust, and trashed your dignity, all to get closer to her. You say she didn’t engage much in response to his sex life narrative, but isn’t it true that he deleted some or most of their chat?

I agree with posters who are not impressed with H’s crocodile tears performance in your child’s presence, particularly right after being so cold and dismissive to you. This pity party was a manipulative tactic which surely confused and upset your son.

A friend of 25 years is not a random woman though is it?

Whilst I don't believe I'd be comfortable with my dh sharing such details, this woman isn't a stranger, they've been friends for a very long time so I guess it's natural for them to talk so openly.

Ugh. Crying in front of his children?! Wtf?! There are times when it’s appropriate to cry in front of your kids (funerals for eg) and times when it’s really not. If he wants to have a cry, he should lock himself in the bathroom. His explanation to his son is going to scare the poor child and makes him responsible for comforting him. This is very immature and self-centred behaviour.

I agree that he has to end that friendship completely with immediate effect. The counselling both individual and joint should begin to flush out the deeper issues, and he has to understand that he can never ever breach your trust again.

If he has a problem he comes to you, and only you.

It sounds to me like he has got used to confiding in her, there has been three people in this marriage for a very long time.