I feel so betrayed and hurt by DH

[Namechange20002]

Have found out tonight that DH has been speaking to his female friend about our sex life, relationship issues, really intimate personal things. I just feel so betrayed, hurt and embarrassed, and I don’t know how to come back from this.

We have three young children and haven’t been having a great deal of sex or intimacy for some time. He’s shared all of this with her, even messaged her: “bought xxx a toy so that she can satisfy herself, this is in the hope that it will help her feel more in the right headspace/mood”

I feel such a deep level of embarrassment and betrayal, I’m such a private person. I would never in a million years share details of our sex life or marriage problems with friends, and I never thought he would have either. Ive honestly never felt betrayed like this, I just don’t know how to move on from this.

Is he not entitled to speak to his mates about his problems?

When you get married you take vows. Your relationship with your wife/ husband is something set apart. It should be your primary relationship.
So no matter what other friendships, no matter how long standing, the nature of them should change when you marry. Your primary loyalty should be to your spouse
It is not natural to share the intimacy of his marriage with his friend.

Male mates, yes, @BountifulPantry , but not another woman who recently split from her husband who is leaning on him heavily and is 'meeting him for coffee' regularly.

Being honest, I have discussed sex with my female friends. For example, my best friend came to me and disclosed that her husband was having issues with ED so we discussed it and I suggested she gently encouraged him to go to the doctor and tried to support her in her feelings about it.

The difference here is 1. it was a private conversation in person and she was upset 2. it was certainly not sent in text messages 3. It was framed in a respectful way and was a serious conversation, not in stupid "poor me" memes or disrespectful videos implying her husband was "deficient" in some way.

There is a huge difference between those two things. Its one thing for a friend to discuss a problem with a close friend and its another thing entirely for him to be sending disrespectful videos making light of the fact his wife is having a tough time right now. Thats absolutely not ok.

Plus he knows very well you can see the video, which is probably why he's chosen to put on such a performance.

I would be RAGING watching that video, how dare he involve your child in his pathetic bad behaviour! He sounds an utterly pathetic, selfish, appalling man. Boot him out OP. He has no respect for your family. I would be asking him to leave. How dare he fail to apologise to you and go crying to your young child. There is so much to be livid about. Sending you love and strength.

I'm so sorry OP. I know from experience I couldn't forgive this, not so much the chatting to her but his reaction since and all the lies. Once trust is gone it never fully comes back

I’m in two minds about this, he is entitled to talk to his friends about problems. Especially as they’ve been friends for so long.
I have very close male friends that o sometimes ask for a male perspective regarding relationship issues.

I can understand not wanting him to talk about you and sex. But it is also his sex life and he may be trying to figure out what wrong!

the picture is potentially pushing a boundary if it’s of her boob. But I also think if they’ve been friends for 24 years since he was 16, they’re familiar. if they wanted to be together they would. she hasn’t responded in a flirty or sexual way at all. She is just a woman.

his messages seems to be a way of venting his frustration in safe space with a friend. I dont think he is in the wrong to confide in a close friend.

theyve been friends for 20+ years!

That does not matter! A married male does not cross that boundary with a female. Especially one that seems to be very clingy at the moment and always wanting him to go for coffee with her.

Agree with this. The man doesn’t need permission to have friends and to talk about what is happening in his life.

What an old fashioned view.

There is nothing " old fashioned" about being loyal to your wife.

Exactly my thoughts. Some people
dont want a sexless marriage, I certainly wouldn’t. He’s gone about it the wrong way but seems like he’s remorseful from OPs last post.

This.

His behaviour in being cold with you but emotionally offloading to a 7yr old child is despicable. Does he have form for that?

All of this sounds horribly similar to when my marriage broke down.

I would not make any assumptions about her feelings for your husband op. I also made the mistake of thinking ow wasn't interested in my DH but he'd deleted a lot of their messages and was using kik secretly.

Whatever is going on, it doesn't sound good and it's awful being in this situation waiting to find out the truth.

What do you want to happen now op? And do you have someone to lean on in real life?

I have male friends, some really good ones, but we don’t discuss our sex lives. It’s inappropriate IMO.

Of course most people don't want a sexless marriage.
But if you read OP's posts there are valid reasons why they have been struggling with the sexual side of their relationship. With issues on BOTH sides.
They gave been discussing the issues and, OP thought, actively working on trying to resolve things.
You are implying, like OP's H , that the problem is all down to OP. And that she is content with the lack of sex. This is just so blatantly untrue.
Why are you trying to twist the narrative and excuse inexcusable behaviour? And also he has not shown any signs of remorse, apart from putting a disgracefully inappropriate act to gain the sympathy of his child.

I’m not someone who ever discusses my marriage with even most closest friends of either sex, but I realise that other people routinely do. Certainly friends (again of both sexes) often confide in me. I don’t think the friend has done anything wrong, and there’s no indication whatsoever that she sees him in any sexual light. Her responses sound neutral, and suggesting marriage counselling is standard, but not a bad idea. I do however, think your level of surveillance is unhealthy, both the reading of his WhatsApps and watching the video.

I get that you’re hurt and angry, and presumably you don’t confide in your friends about your sexual issues, but your DH has chosen to. It’s his marriage too. I can see why you feel invaded, but I don’t think you can police what problems your spouse talks to a close friend about.

Why did he not go to his own bedroom to cry? What a terrible thing to do to a seven year old.

I had serious issues with lack of affection and sex within my marriage. I had exhausted all possibilities of discussion with (now ex) DH. I did turn to my friends, I had tried counselling and found I couldn’t discuss the intimate detail, but talking to my friends who were wonderfully supportive. Ultimately it didn’t save my marriage, it wasn't salvageable, but it certainly helped me to consider possibilities.

It just occurred to me with the crying in the bedroom that he is now positioning himself to be the victim for the marriage breakdown to blame you op. I would be very cautious, and listen very carefully. He is either heartbroken that he has hurt you and that was an unguarded burst of genuine remorse, or he is a seasoned manipulator getting the kids on side early on to firmly blame you for the family breakdown.

I think you need to proceed with real care.

It’s likely he’s testing the waters with her but she’s not interested.

This is devastating op. However, don’t leap to the “ he’s priming her for an affair” conclusions. If you think about it he’s actually telling her he wants to sleep with you. But there has definitely been overstepping and I think you need to confront him and say you want it to stop.

If there’s any grooming for an affair going on, it sounds more as though she has a cold side of the bed atm…

It's not old-fashioned at all. Plenty of threads on Mumsnet shows exactly where these 'friendships' end. You're incredibly naive. And the fact she is clingy and needing to see him for coffee a lot is a red flag. She should have girlfriends she can speak to.