I feel so betrayed and hurt by DH

[Namechange20002]

Have found out tonight that DH has been speaking to his female friend about our sex life, relationship issues, really intimate personal things. I just feel so betrayed, hurt and embarrassed, and I don’t know how to come back from this.

We have three young children and haven’t been having a great deal of sex or intimacy for some time. He’s shared all of this with her, even messaged her: “bought xxx a toy so that she can satisfy herself, this is in the hope that it will help her feel more in the right headspace/mood”

I feel such a deep level of embarrassment and betrayal, I’m such a private person. I would never in a million years share details of our sex life or marriage problems with friends, and I never thought he would have either. Ive honestly never felt betrayed like this, I just don’t know how to move on from this.

Don’t wake up alone on Mother’s Day OP. Ask him to bring them back Saturday evening.

Okay, I don't actually believe you would be okay with this, I just think you aren't comprehending the issue here

Case in point, you seem to have a few things confused.

I never said couple don't have issues? Of course they do, everyone does at some of their life, and I do think talking thinks out with friends/family outside the relationship if fine too, as long at it done respectfully to the person you are talking about, I wouldn't tell people anything about my husband that I know he would be embarrassed to share, or private things he would prefer me not to share, that isn't because he is forcing me to keep quiet, it's because I choose to keep it between us, I respect him and I respect our relationship, and I would never break his trust in that way.

OP isn't controlling who he sees or what he says, she never has, so where have you got that from? She has been absolutely fine with him meeting up with his friend, although quietly disappointed he's making time for her but not for OP, she has let him get on with it, they've been friends for decades with no problems or interference from OP, until she started to suspect something more was going on and asked if he was telling the OW personal details about their relationship (which he denied), so it led to her uncovering the nature of their messages.

It really doesn't matter what YOUR boundaries are in YOUR relationship, as this isn't about you, OP has clear boundaries about what she would not be comfortable with him sharing with people (intimate details of their sex life), and he has broken that trust, not only broken that trust but talks about her as if he couldn't care less about her, as if her grief and problems mean nothing to him and she is just there as someone to pleasure him, except now she is broken and he doesn't want a wife like that. He is disrespecting her and disrespecting their relationship by saying all that behind her back, yet pretending to OP that they are fine and are working on their marital issue together as a team.

If you can honestly say that you would be happy with your husband who lied about your relationship and talked about you in such a disrespectful manner, while flirting and going on coffee dates with another single woman, telling her one thing behind your back while telling you another thing to your face then okay, but I still don't believe it.

Weird to be making out you are in a sexless relationship but your partner gets her kicks by using toys you buy. I’d be embarrassed if I was the woman your husband was saying this too.
what does he hope to get out of all of this - apart from being massive twat

@Namechange20002 Now you’ve shared this thread with your H, you need to stop posting here.

Name change and post again if you need to - but assume he’s reading every word you write and every word from the people who want to minimise this.

Who says he fancies her???

Every affair begins when someone starts running down their partner.

This. Even if this is not yet a full on emotional affair, he is more open and intimate with her than you, and completely inconsiderate about the fact your feelings and privacy should be his priority. Very immature.

The wink at the tattoo I suppose? That does make a difference.

You've chosen an open marriage just to make sure you can't get hurt. Big difference

OP, I am so sorry you are having to deal with this situation. I agree that your husband should go and stay elsewhere for a bit. He will soon realise what he has thrown away.

Cool thanks, I will let my husband know that you said that!
You are all nuts. So controlling!

Good luck with that. Nothing to do with controlling. Most men will get away with as much as you let them. And you are letting yours do exactly what he wants.

Very poor from DH. He’s obviously at the end of his rope though and now little head is triumphing over big head. Marriage Counselling required asap.

Think you should find someone better
someone you could trust there are some ok people around

Best post ever

I have met some arsehole men in my time, but this bloke takes the biscuit. The absolute shame on him for discussing his wife in such terms with anyone. He should be crawling on his belly for the rest of his days. Utter scum.

Do you think it’s appropriate to send sex memes that make fun of your grieving wife’s libido?

Didn’t think so.

We haven't read all the conversations. Neither has OP. We don't know if he approached this friend initially in the belief a woman might give him better advice than a man. He may have. Just because he's acting like a prize dick now, doesn't mean he started out that way. It's a tale as old as time that a man gets flattered by a woman paying him attention and starts looking at her with new eyes.

You might think, well, what's the difference. But I imagine it makes a big difference to OP, what his original intentions were. If he jumped right to chasing another woman, that's a different level of coldness, compared to boundaries becoming blurred over time. It still hurts, but it's not quite as cruel.

These conversations may well have started out innocent. That can be true without it justifying his actions in any way. It hurt OP's feelings to have something so personal discussed outside the marriage. It hurt OP's feelings to see herself talked about so resentfully by her own husband. And OP herself has a gut feeling this 'friendship' is no longer platonic. That it is at the very least headed into emotional affair / wandering eye territory. All of that is what really matters here.

I'm just not rushing to make her husband worse than he is, when OP is already feeling vulnerable. She has enough to contend with.

Gosh OP. I’m so sorry about your situation, your mum, all of it.

PP are right to highlight how easy it is to say LTB - much harder when it’s your real life and you have to suddenly deal with three kids alone. But wasting further years growing more bitter towards this disloyal man who you resent - and who you now know is the type to have an affair eventually - would be your real life too, if you stayed.

Neither option is easy, but going it alone could at least offer the hope of a better life in the near future.

You two sound like enemies now. Based on his messages he feels actively hostile towards you, and has for some time. And you must like and respect him less than you would some random colleague or whatever. It’s hard to imagine finding love for each other again in these circumstances.

I hope you find a way forward, whatever that may be. And no matter what, remember HE did this, not you.

So sorry OP , what a terrible shock and shame on them both for what they’ve done to you. Can’t believe some on here minimising such a betrayal. For me there is no coming back from this but you don’t need to make those big decisions any time soon. You call the shots here now.

It was good advice several updates back, but reading OPs new updates are just heartbreaking, it may be just 'some messages to a friend' but it is a massive betrayal of trust and the worst part for me is that it highlights the level of resentment he has held for OP for quite a long time, and through no fault of her own, which is what makes it so awful.

He was complaining about OP's lack of affection and lack of sex while OP was pregnant and her mum was dying of cancer.. this isn't a loving husband, this is someone who clearly only cares about himself and his own needs, so much so that he will try and seek what he needs outside the marriage while keeping OP thinking that they are fine and working on their problems, and he feels so justified in doing that, that he refuses to acknowledge his wrong doing or even apologise.

I'm sorry but I couldn't get over that level of betrayal and I don't think OP should have to "get over it", just so she doesn't become "single mum of 3 young kids. Financially worse off, juggling a million plates on your own, your children devastated, you heartbroken"

She deserves so much better than this.

Just ick, sorry you’re going through this

You talk about the timing of this, and it is key.

Also key is his disgusting self indulgence when he cried in the child's bedroom. How utterly selfish of him to make such a scene in front of the child. It is a very telling choice.

He's crying because he definitely messed up - he was caught.

Research your own therapist and have that person ready if and when the therapist he chose turns out to be unfriendly toward you.

This man is scrambling to keep his house, his picket fence. He didn't have time to get the OW completely on board with an invitation to move in with her, and now he can't have his cake and eat it too (i.e. carry on an affair and enjoy all the comforts of home too).

You're "genuinely confused". Yes, that would explain your post. 🙄

It's laughable isn't it? I imagine that @Twinkletoes127 would be perfectly happy for her husband to have graphic conversations with other women about about their sex life. It wouldn't bother her at all. 🙄