Page 15 | I feel so betrayed and hurt by DH

Namechange20002 · 2025-03-25T18:56:20+00:00

Have found out tonight that DH has been speaking to his female friend about our sex life, relationship issues, really intimate personal things. I just feel so betrayed, hurt and embarrassed, and I don’t know how to come back from this. We have three young children and haven’t been having a great deal of sex or intimacy for some time. He’s shared all of this with her, even messaged her: “bought xxx a toy so that she can satisfy herself, this is in the hope that it will help her feel more in the right headspace/mood” I feel such a deep level of embarrassment and betrayal, I’m such a private person. I would never in a million years share details of our sex life or marriage problems with friends, and I never thought he would have either. Ive honestly never felt betrayed like this, I just don’t know how to move on from this.

JHound · 27/03/2025 11:35

B1anche · 26/03/2025 17:42

Yes, but I think these are all people who have a male friend who confides in them. I suspect they wouldn't be so OK with it if it was their husband sharing details with another woman.

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I am fine with my partner having close friendships and a confidante outside of the relationship (even if it is just a therapist).

As I do too.

Fancycheese · 27/03/2025 11:36

JHound · 27/03/2025 11:35

I am fine with my partner having close friendships and a confidante outside of the relationship (even if it is just a therapist).

As I do too.

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A therapist is not a friend or a confidante.

LurkyMcLurkinson · 27/03/2025 11:37

It sounds very much like he enjoyed being able to control the narrative, where he was the victim and where he didn’t have to take any responsibility or make any changes. While it’s positive he’s giving the impression he’s realising he’s not the victim, I think it’s completely
reasonable to be suspicious that he may just be saying what you want to hear. Engaging with therapy will help you to test that out and give him the opportunity to further develop his understanding of how he has wronged you and could try to rebuild your trust.

JHound · 27/03/2025 11:38

Fancycheese · 27/03/2025 11:36

A therapist is not a friend or a confidante.

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I am putting them all in the category of “somebody to pour their heart out too outside of the relationship.”

I am fine with it. It was my response to the other posters comment.

godmum56 · 27/03/2025 11:57

I'd be fine with a therapist, a proper registered one. They have tight boundaries and know the penalty for non compliance. Any other confidante with whom they share matters like buying their partner sex toys in the hope they will put out more? Absolutely no way.

GiantSaucepan · 27/03/2025 12:13

Gosh Op, your update this is awful.

I would use the counselling to explore:

How remorseful is he really - is he just embarrassed to be caught and / or that this is a low life thing to do and he can’t be Mr Nice Guy
Whether he actually wants out of the relationship; his half arsed apology, jumping to separate and your feeling - and confirmation frankly - that he didn’t / doesn’t like you, all suggest he wants out, but also possibly that he’s been living in cloud cuckoo land and she’s been egging him on. Has reading the thread been the wake up call to realise what he’s set to loose? Or simply that he’s actually an arsehole.
How you come back from this and rebuild trust - what would you need from him and whether he’s capable of actually doing the work.
How to separate well, if it comes to that.

This is so so shit.

Longsummerdays25 · 27/03/2025 12:22

I think it’s the sheer level of detail that he has been sharing. If he had simply said there are issues in the bedroom and shared how he was feeling it would be different, possibly, but the granular detail feels deviant. Like he was enjoying/getting off on such intricacies. It’s not just the breach of trust, the betrayal, the contempt but the initial ‘deadness’ in his response and the meaning behind his actions.

Has he had a sexual relationship with his friend in the past? or wanted to? This would be important to me to know.

In my world this level of sexual detail would never happen in any scenario with a friend of either sex. It is grim and predatory behaviour.

outerspacepotato · 27/03/2025 12:30

His ability to turn on the remorse after he read your thread, I think it's an act.

The scale at which he was telling her every damn detail about your sex life and complaining about rubbing your feet or back while lying to your face that he wasn't sharing that with her, the trust is gone.

He's performative through and through. Crying at his son, his showing no remorse until he's busted on a website, I think you're in for really hard times ahead. Your husband doesn't seem to even like you very much, he resents doing anything for you, and he's a liar and lacks integrity. He's not a team player. I think the most telling part of what kind of man he is is when he was complaining about you to get sympathy from his friend, in his flood of so much detail and complaining there was not one mention of your dying mother.

He is one stone cold motherfucker.

Trust and teamwork are really vital to a good marriage and I'm sorry but you don't have that with this guy.

I'm very sorry for your loss of your mom.

WallaceinAnderland · 27/03/2025 12:42

He's ruined it hasn't he. There is no going back. The things between you that should have been private and intimate have been used by him to gratify his own vanity.

IWishIWasABaller · 27/03/2025 12:47

What a pathetic excuse of a man , you deserve a million times better. Him and his so called friend should be ashamed of themselves, if a male friend of mine shared such intimate details about his private life I'd be disgusted and shut down that conversation immediately. Two grubby excuses for humans what a sad pair

Longsummerdays25 · 27/03/2025 12:54

outerspacepotato · 27/03/2025 12:30

His ability to turn on the remorse after he read your thread, I think it's an act.

The scale at which he was telling her every damn detail about your sex life and complaining about rubbing your feet or back while lying to your face that he wasn't sharing that with her, the trust is gone.

He's performative through and through. Crying at his son, his showing no remorse until he's busted on a website, I think you're in for really hard times ahead. Your husband doesn't seem to even like you very much, he resents doing anything for you, and he's a liar and lacks integrity. He's not a team player. I think the most telling part of what kind of man he is is when he was complaining about you to get sympathy from his friend, in his flood of so much detail and complaining there was not one mention of your dying mother.

He is one stone cold motherfucker.

Trust and teamwork are really vital to a good marriage and I'm sorry but you don't have that with this guy.

I'm very sorry for your loss of your mom.

This ^

Lifeistestingme · 27/03/2025 13:06

I feel so bad for you, op. And myself and many other posters are getting genuinely upset for you because we all KNOW you deserve so so so much better than him. It's your decision, but don't feel like you have to stay just for the kids 💔

Hufdl · 27/03/2025 13:33

Oh OP, god help you, that was hard to read.
How she wasn't repulsed by him writing that about his pregnant wife means she is similar dregs. A decent woman would be appalled.

I actually showed this thread to my husband who said wow what a disloyal whine. He couldn't imagine any man he knew speaking about their partner like that.

Please don't feel bad that you are so appalled.
He is really not a decent normal man.
Decent men don't behave as he has.

Scum does. Men that really are the dregs of society behave as he has.

I honestly don't know if 3 young children will be enough for you to stomach being around him.

I would definitely be telling family and friends the truth about him, they need to know the truth.

Let her have him.
You are far far too good for scum like him.
Your poor, poor children with such a poor excuse of manhood for a father.
God love them.
There is nothing masculine about him at all is there.

Tell family the specifics too. His whiny complaints while you were pregnant and your mother dying.

A new low MN.

SugarPlumpFairyCakes · 27/03/2025 13:46

God he's a creep.

Please bin him.

He will do it to you again if you stay.

He's a man of zero integrity and loyalty to his wife.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 27/03/2025 13:57

outerspacepotato · 27/03/2025 12:30

His ability to turn on the remorse after he read your thread, I think it's an act.

The scale at which he was telling her every damn detail about your sex life and complaining about rubbing your feet or back while lying to your face that he wasn't sharing that with her, the trust is gone.

He's performative through and through. Crying at his son, his showing no remorse until he's busted on a website, I think you're in for really hard times ahead. Your husband doesn't seem to even like you very much, he resents doing anything for you, and he's a liar and lacks integrity. He's not a team player. I think the most telling part of what kind of man he is is when he was complaining about you to get sympathy from his friend, in his flood of so much detail and complaining there was not one mention of your dying mother.

He is one stone cold motherfucker.

Trust and teamwork are really vital to a good marriage and I'm sorry but you don't have that with this guy.

I'm very sorry for your loss of your mom.

I agree with @outerspacepotato he is an absolute actor.

So very sorry to read your update OP, it must have been such a wounding eye opener to read that.
This goes way beyond innocently "confiding" in a female friend.

His initial reaction. Cold, no remorse, irritated to be even talking about it, saying he doesn't know why, suggesting YOU might want to separate.
and only AFTER reading the opinions of how his behaviour looks to outsiders does he suddenly change tack and decide he has to present a different face of the caring husband and father. The Poor Me.

The abrupt change of face just doesn't tally with the person revealed in all his messages.
He lied to the other woman. He's lied to you. Now he wants to go to counselling so he can sell the idea of he doesn't know why he did it, he's so upset etc.

I would find it hard to get over the way he spoke about you in his messages when your mother was dying just before you gave birth. Total fixation on himself. Total lack of compassion for you. So sorry OP.

It's a lot to deal with, with such young children. I hope you get some counselling for yourself alone to get some real support whilst you decide how to deal with all this. It's absolutely brutal but it's better its out in the open now, rather than discovering it in several years time.

outerspacepotato · 27/03/2025 14:02

I do still think he was having an emotional affair with his friend and trying to turn it physical. There was no other reason for the graphic descriptions and details of your sex life being constantly shared.

She's a piece of work too not shutting that much graphic detail down. There is even a short phrase for to do just that when it crosses boundaries. TMI. The problem with them is they have no boundaries.

Use therapy wisely and cautiously. Ask him specifically to not share what you discuss because he might share your discussions with his friend (and he probably will, but that's on him). You can also use that time to talk about co-parenting and what that might look like. It might be a good idea to start individual counseling yourself. You've been through a lot.

TinkerbellStarbright · 27/03/2025 14:37

I feel so bad for you. I can’t imagine how you’re feeling. Do what’s best for you and your children. I hope he realises what a selfish, stupid twat he’s been.

Original poster

Namechange20002 · 27/03/2025 15:01

outerspacepotato · 27/03/2025 14:02

I do still think he was having an emotional affair with his friend and trying to turn it physical. There was no other reason for the graphic descriptions and details of your sex life being constantly shared.

She's a piece of work too not shutting that much graphic detail down. There is even a short phrase for to do just that when it crosses boundaries. TMI. The problem with them is they have no boundaries.

Use therapy wisely and cautiously. Ask him specifically to not share what you discuss because he might share your discussions with his friend (and he probably will, but that's on him). You can also use that time to talk about co-parenting and what that might look like. It might be a good idea to start individual counseling yourself. You've been through a lot.

There’s something about the timing of this that isn’t sitting right with me either. The argument he shared with her that started it all was by no means the worst one we’ve had. Yes we weren’t in a good place at that point, but we’ve previously been in worse I think, so why now. The only difference I can see is that now she is single. So it feels like she became single and he suddenly starts the dialogue of how awful I am, I don’t get any affection from her etc. And she just laps it up, so it’s both of them. Also rereading the messages it’s her that asks him several times, how often do you have sex, how often did you have it before kids. She’s a disgusting excuse for a human being.

I’ve been feeling anger more than anything else today, at both of them.
We had a long talk earlier, my anger and hurt kept coming out. He appears to be genuinely remorseful and can’t believe he’s done this. But he has done it, we can’t change that, it’s just whether or not we can move past this. He wants to do everything he can to show me how sorry he is, has taken full responsibility for everything and has blocked her.

He's researched and contacted a counsellor and we’re booked in for next week. She also does bereavement counselling, so could also help me process the loss of my mum. At the very least it will hopefully help us communicate, even if it’s just how to navigate coparenting if this turns out to be something we can’t move past.

He’s going to take the kids to his parents this weekend, either for the day or overnight, so we can have a bit of space. I’m just trying to be somewhat normal for the kids now as yesterday all three were very emotional in response to all the upset and tension in the house, which hurts my heart. I ended up doing bedtime and stories for all three as they all wanted mummy, they must all have been feeling anxious and uncertain. My DD has certainly seemed better today than yesterday, which is good.

OP posts:

BadlyDrawnRoy · 27/03/2025 15:07

Kick him into touch. If he's not shagging her already, he wants to and will. Also what others have said about wanting to make himself look like the good guy, and make you look like the one with problems he's trying to help you solve (the sex toy comment), all leads me to think he's either at it with her, or will be as soon as he can. So sorry...

Twinkletoes127 · 27/03/2025 15:07

Is he not allowed to discuss his own life with whoever he chooses? I can't see the issue here at all, I'm genuinely confused at all these responses calling him allsorts for discussing his life with a friend, probably asking for advice.
He has every right.
Afterall. Here you are splashing it all over mumsnet.

CheekySnake · 27/03/2025 15:09

Namechange20002 · 27/03/2025 15:01

There’s something about the timing of this that isn’t sitting right with me either. The argument he shared with her that started it all was by no means the worst one we’ve had. Yes we weren’t in a good place at that point, but we’ve previously been in worse I think, so why now. The only difference I can see is that now she is single. So it feels like she became single and he suddenly starts the dialogue of how awful I am, I don’t get any affection from her etc. And she just laps it up, so it’s both of them. Also rereading the messages it’s her that asks him several times, how often do you have sex, how often did you have it before kids. She’s a disgusting excuse for a human being.

I’ve been feeling anger more than anything else today, at both of them.
We had a long talk earlier, my anger and hurt kept coming out. He appears to be genuinely remorseful and can’t believe he’s done this. But he has done it, we can’t change that, it’s just whether or not we can move past this. He wants to do everything he can to show me how sorry he is, has taken full responsibility for everything and has blocked her.

He's researched and contacted a counsellor and we’re booked in for next week. She also does bereavement counselling, so could also help me process the loss of my mum. At the very least it will hopefully help us communicate, even if it’s just how to navigate coparenting if this turns out to be something we can’t move past.

He’s going to take the kids to his parents this weekend, either for the day or overnight, so we can have a bit of space. I’m just trying to be somewhat normal for the kids now as yesterday all three were very emotional in response to all the upset and tension in the house, which hurts my heart. I ended up doing bedtime and stories for all three as they all wanted mummy, they must all have been feeling anxious and uncertain. My DD has certainly seemed better today than yesterday, which is good.

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He’s going to take the kids to his parents this weekend, either for the day or overnight,

This sets major alarm bells ringing for me, OP, especially as he's already shown that he is willing to dump his emotions on your very young children. (I'm speaking as an adult child of divorced parents - when the relationship fell apart, my father was doing this sort of parenting as a pretext to getting the children to himself so he could make sure that we knew his version of events, in which he was the victim, when it wasn't true. Same goes for his parents).

Please be careful.

Will you be able to see the counsellor on your own, without him present? I think it's important that you do. (I might be tempted to find one of your own, and not automatically go with the one he has chosen).

And FWIW, she's single. She's not cheating. He's the married one. Don't fall into the trap of making her carry all the blame.

SleepyBadger2307 · 27/03/2025 15:12

I don't think I could come back from this, even if it DH and OW are just friends.

There are some things that just shouldn't be shared with friends.

Newtt · 27/03/2025 15:14

Twinkletoes127 · 27/03/2025 15:07

Is he not allowed to discuss his own life with whoever he chooses? I can't see the issue here at all, I'm genuinely confused at all these responses calling him allsorts for discussing his life with a friend, probably asking for advice.
He has every right.
Afterall. Here you are splashing it all over mumsnet.

OP - just ignore his one.

Everyone else understands the difference between discussing a problem with a friend and setting a scene…

Before he read the thread his responses to you seemed to suggest he was wanting you to be the ‘bad guy’ and call time in the relationship.

Maybe now he does feel like a bit of a #### - but tread carefully and slowly before making decisions either way.

He’s behaved like a teenage shit, which unfortunately will never be wiped from your memory.

If you choose to move on together, do expect the basis of your relationship to have changed as you can’t ‘unknown’ how he is capable of treating you…

Bluedenimdoglover · 27/03/2025 15:15

How bloody dare he!! Your sex life is none of her business. If he wants to discuss it with anyone it should be you. If you give him the ok to talk to her about it, fair enough. But to do it and then tell you afterwards! I'd tell him where to stick his sex toy.

Stanthedog15 · 27/03/2025 15:24

Pack his stuff. Leave it outside and change the Locks.
What a piece of SH*T. He is.x