I can’t actually believe this is my life right now, it’s like I’m watching it from afar like a TV drama, it doesn’t feel real to me.
Yesterday was just an awful day. I kept thinking he’ll come and talk to me in a minute and apologise, but I waited and nothing. I eventually had to go to him. There was just zero emotion from him, his eyes were dead, his face looked irritated at having to talk about this, there was no remorse. He kept mumbling that he’s not good with words, he doesn’t know what to say etc. There was no heartfelt apology, no emotion at all.
He seemed to jump on any discussion of separating, like is it best for me to move out, is selling the house something you want to do. It was heart wrenching.
I asked what else he had been saying about me and us to her. He went back to early Feb in his phone (although I’m not naive to think it probably went back further). It started with detailed relaying of very specific arguments we’d had at that time. We used to sit on the sofa in the evening and watch TV while he rubbed my feet. He tells her, she always wants her feet rubbed, now a chore. She always wants her back rubbed when it hurts, now a chore. The friend jumps in constantly with, what is xxx doing for you, what are your needs. I’ve thought for a long time x and y etc.
He has then told her absolutely every detail of our sex life, talks about blowjobs and handjobs that he doesn’t get, how often we have sex, the exact time we last had sex.
He goes into detail of how much sex we had after each child, “we did it regularly when she was pregnant with DS1, loads of sex trying to get pregnant with DS2, then no sex during that pregnancy”, and it goes on.
So when I was only just pregnant with DS2 my mum was diagnosed with lung cancer. She passed away when I was 8 months pregnant. Of course he leaves out that piece of information, because why would it be relevant. Honestly writing this all down just makes me feel sick.
The messages between them continue and the overwhelming feeling I get from it is that he really hates me. At that same time in real life I’d even said to him, I constantly get the feeling from you that you don’t even like me. So it’s validating to see from those messages that I wasn’t wrong. He of course claimed at that time and now that it isn’t how he felt, but I don’t believe him.
He made half hearted claims that he doesn’t want us to separate, there was no real feeling there when he said that. I ended up sending him this thread, I said this is my thread, it’s up to you if you want to read it. He came in to me and said he read the first lot of posts and he realises how wrong he’s been. Sad that it takes a load of strangers on the internet to get him to realise that, when his own wife saying it illicits zero feelings.
I came downstairs after putting the kids to bed and he’d been reading through more of the thread. He said I feel sick at what I’ve done. I honestly don’t think he feels sick at his betrayal and what he’s done to me, I think he feels sick at the realisation that he’s not Mr nice guy, great husband. It’s pages and pages of people saying he’s a horrible person, he’s an arsehole, what a betrayal, what a nasty thing to do. I guarantee it that thats made him feel sick.
He then wanted to talk. At this point there did appear to be genuine emotion from him and a heartfelt apology. I’m finding it so hard though to reconcile that person and that apparent remorse with how he was earlier in the day. I asked him to read back to himself all the messages he’d sent her about us. He did that and said he feels even more sick now. He doesn’t know why he did it, or why he thought it was appropriate thing to do.
He said he will cut all contact with her, he wants to do counselling etc. So we will do the counselling. I don’t owe it to him, but I do owe it to my children.
There’s a post above asking how on earth I carry on an actual marriage and intimacy with this person, what does that look like. And this is the problem, how on earth do you come back from this. To me this is unforgivable, there’s no trust now.