I feel so betrayed and hurt by DH

[Namechange20002]

Have found out tonight that DH has been speaking to his female friend about our sex life, relationship issues, really intimate personal things. I just feel so betrayed, hurt and embarrassed, and I don’t know how to come back from this.

We have three young children and haven’t been having a great deal of sex or intimacy for some time. He’s shared all of this with her, even messaged her: “bought xxx a toy so that she can satisfy herself, this is in the hope that it will help her feel more in the right headspace/mood”

I feel such a deep level of embarrassment and betrayal, I’m such a private person. I would never in a million years share details of our sex life or marriage problems with friends, and I never thought he would have either. Ive honestly never felt betrayed like this, I just don’t know how to move on from this.

It is so hurtful, I hope you will not lose your anger and won't believe the shit he will undoubtedly come up with. I don't believe in couples counselling in scenarios of betrayal. What will it do? Will it undo the betrayal? You won't be able to forget what he did, will you? So if you don't kick him out and continue with him, what will it be like - you remembering it every day and what, trying to suppress it in you? I am all pro-marriage and traditional stuff, but that would be a deal breaker for me and a divorce.

No he fucking well is not! It's a total betrayal. Yes, you can talk to a friend, yes you can ask a friend for advice but you do not tell them every last detail of your intimate business. He has no right at all, especially not to a recently single woman. I would shut down a female close friend who went into that much detail. It's not anything I want to know!

The OP is on here anonymously. Have a word with yourself!!!!

I hope you saw what he said to her when he blocked her? Just blocking is very passive. I’d want to be sure he has actively ended the friendship. It’s easy to unblock someone, but much harder to rekindle things if he has definitively cut ties.

Their entire friendship is completely inappropriate. She is reprehensible for asking intimate questions of a married man’s sex life - he has willingly let her into something which should be between the two of you, but it’s your privacy that they have both violated, without your consent. This has broken your marriage vows to such an extent that, honestly, I think I’d be less hurt if he had actually slept with her. The betrayal runs deep—not only did he share intimate details, but he also knew it was wrong, as he lied about it and hid messages. It wasn’t just a lapse in judgment; it was a deliberate choice, made repeatedly, with no regard for your trust or the difficult things you’ve been going through.

Do you (or they) have any mutual friends? I’d be curious to hear their perspective on this so-called friendship.

For your sake @Namechange20002 , I hope he’s not just going through the motions of counselling to say he tried or to soften the blow to his reputation.

He has no loyalty. Bitching about you and your sex life is unacceptable. He was forming a team with her against you and she was lapping it up. You were supposed to be his wife.

That's hardly the case though is it? He's complaining to a recently single female friend. He's trying to play the sympathy vote. Maybe if he stayed home instead of meeting the girl for coffee, his wife would not be so bloody fed up. When's the last time he met his wife for a child free coffee?

He kept mumbling that he’s not good with words, he doesn’t know what to say etc. Doesn't seem to have any problems with words or what to say when he's discussing your most intimate details with this other woman

He seemed to jump on any discussion of separating, like is it best for me to move out, is selling the house something you want to do He was hoping you'd want to separate, seeing as he hasn't got the guts to pull the trigger himself. Looking for the easiest/quickest way out.

OP you've had wonderful advice and support on this thread. I wish you all the very best no matter what decision you ultimately take, you sound lovely.

I am so sorry you lost your mum, and at such a pivotal time

It’s not just his life though is it? He’s discussed intimidate details of his sex life and how he’s dissatisfied with his wife with another woman. Multiple times. How grown adults think it’s ok is just beyond me.

OP is posting anonymously and has not shared the specifics. Big difference.

I hope one day someone betrays your trust and then people close to you are “baffled” as to why you’re upset.

if you would truly let someone treat you like this, you might want to raise the bar.

At least he’s making the right noises, I really hope this continues.
Like others I would not want him away this weekend - it gives them both the temptation to get in touch. Do something as a family, your kids will appreciate that more I’m sure. Play happy families for your children, get a couple of Oscars for your performance. They’ve already noticed something is wrong. Do something fun.
If it was me the friendship has to be over completely not just for a week or two. He has to be completely open with his phone/computer etc again not just for now but forever.
I’ll put my tin hat on! We’ve been married donkeys years and have always had complete access to each others phones - why wouldn’t you? My husband has never had a female friend either, perhaps I’m insecure but I really wouldn’t like it. … and just for the MN who really want to put the boot in ….if I’d had an au pair/nanny it would have been a guy not a Cameron Diaz lookalike! 🤣

So you're ok with your partner telling a female friend about your blowjobs and handjobs and how often you had sex, with a background of your mother's terminal illness and subsequent death weeks before the birth of your child?

Like hell you would.

I'm so sorry about your Mum. What a bloody hideous, dreadful time you've had. My heart goes out to you.

Your 'D'H is an utter disgrace and not worth the shit off your shoe. Part of me would think, why the fuck would I want to even try to stay with this arsehole but of course, you have 3 children to consider and blowing their world apart is not to be taken lightly. (That said, there are plenty of us who grew up with waring, bickering, unfaithful and unhappy parents and remember dearly wishing they would divorce...)

As for his friend, (and I know on MN the mantra is 'she never made vows to you') she has clearly been encouraging his feelings and making him think 'the grass is greener'. She should be ashamed of herself; knowing that she's helping to ruin a marriage for fun.

I hope the counselling helps you OP, however your situation lands and that you find peace with it all but also that you can deal with your grief properly. 💐

I wouldn’t want him to take the DC to his parents this weekend. If he can talk about you to his “friend”, then he might talk about you to his parents infront of your DCs. As they are his parents they are likely to side with him and your DC could come back from the weekend thinking you have done something wrong and upset Daddy. He sounds like a manipulative man. I wouldn’t risk it. I would rather risk sending him to his parents alone and him going to his “friends” house instead.

You have seen his true colours now, he cannot be trusted. Treat him like an untrustworthy gossip, gossips will run you down to everyone. Don’t give him opportunity to get into your DCs heads, he’s already tried it since this has come out by crying on your children’s bedroom floor. Don’t give him anymore opportunities to try and manipulate your children.

My bar is very high, it's why my husband has full autonomy and can choose which aspects of his life to share with whoever he pleases. As can I.
There's nothing that he could say that I would be ashamed or embarrassed by, and as for betrayed, again, not possible as he can talk to whoever about whatever. It's his life. I have chosen to share with him. He can choose to share that if he wants to

I have a good friend, whom I dearly care about, and I’ve known for 30 years. He has a partner of 10 years, off-on in the past, now on.

Occasionally he gives me to understand that the relationship is not 💯 happy. No kids involved. But we have never ever discussed his sex life. (There was once one remark that his gf always expects intimacy after they’ve had an argument, before the dust has settled or it’s blown over, and he finds that quite upsetting. That’s literally it.)

I just can’t fathom the inappropriate level of boundary-crossing. Yes, your H is the one that’s married, but his female friend will perhaps have a more visceral understanding that what she’s doing is treacherous, bond-destroying, and deeply humiliating for you.

Your "bar" is in the toilet

Well if being in a wonderful loving relationship where we shine together, and also thrive independently is your idea of in the toilet, I'm good with that.

He's very good with his words when he wants to be

@Namechange20002 there are some deeply strange people posting on this thread. Their lack of empathy is off the scale. Please ignore.

I'm so angry on your behalf and I don't even know you. How are you ever going to bring yourself to have sex with this man ever again? What if he offers to rub your back or your feet? Will you be able to let him, knowing how he bitched about it behind your back?

I don't know how you would even begin to forgive this. You certainly won't ever forget it. Even if you do choose to stay with him, it will be forever hanging over you - just what he is capable of. You can't trust him. You will always be left wondering what he's saying about you behind your back - what has he said to others too, when he can play so fast and loose with your most intimate moments?

He's a complete POS. I don't think I could ever look at his horrible face again. I know it's a huge thing and you have three young children but this man has shit all over you, your marriage and your children.

Think long and hard. I'm so sorry he's done this to you and I couldn't forgive his cavalier attitude to your losing your mum the way you did.

To me, his first reaction when you addressed it with him is how he really feels. He needs a good kick up the arse and MrNamechange, I would love to be the one to give it to you.

You would say that wouldn't you.

I bet you wouldn't be acting the 'cool wife' if your husband betrayed you like the OP's has.

Shine on.

He was absolutely gearing up to have an affair with her.

Go to counselling with that in mind. I hope it is helpful for both of you.

Ignore this poster op.

Nuts.

It's not "sharing with a friend" when a man tells a single female friend that his wife doesn't want sex. It is literally, LITERALLY the sentence in the script before they start on about how they're basically just roommates and together for the kids.

The only reason he's gone all stony-faced is that it's emotionally easier for him to just turn on his heel and move out than hash this out with you face to face. Some people cannot stand guilt.

Like other posters I found your update really upsetting to read OP. I also wouldn't be happy about taking the children with him to his parents, as it's actually 'Mother's Day' this weekend, so I think I would want him to either go on his own, or come back on Sunday and make sure that he helps the children give you a day that you deserve.

Personally, even though I can totally understand your need to protect your children, I know that in your shoes I couldn't even consider staying with him after this. He has behaved appallingly, and in all honesty, I'd be VERY surprised if you could ever put this behind you, as once the trust is broken, it is EXTREMELY hard to get it back. Obviously it's your choice, and you may find that counselling helps, but just giving my take on this awful situation.

I'm also very sorry about the loss of your Mum, and while not being a great believer in counselling, I was persuaded to try it, after I lost my Mum, as I was totally devastated, and really struggling with it. As it turned out, I only went once, but it really did help, so I think in your shoes, I would be tempted to give it a try.

No, lots of people share personal secrets with their friends. For those who don't have a therapist, who else is there to share with?
Loads of people on MN don't believe in platonic friendships between men and women though and OP's update seems to suggest they may be right in this case.

Yes, him ramping up the negatives about you and her lapping it up and encouraging it once she became 'available' is a terrible look for both of them. His loyalties should be with you and his family, but here he is, clearly looking for excitement outside the marriage instead of working on his marriage.

What an absolute arsehole.

I wouldn't let him take the children to his parents if he's dumping on them inappropriately. He sounds incredibly immature emotionally, and it will be damaging for your DCs if he's talking to them about any of this.

If he’s going to be away from you for the weekend, it’s very likely he’ll try and contact her again if he hasn’t properly and strongly ended the friendship. Has he offered to link your phone to his WhatsApp and link his phone apps and messenger& emails etc to your devices? Has he given you access to his bank account so you can see what he’s spending? Has he put you on his find my phone etc. so you can see where he is?

Have you asked him to download back ups of his pre-Feb conversation? If they’re deleted for him, she might have them. Be interesting to know if he’d ask for them for you.

And so it begins. This level of monitoring is really unhealthy but I found I needed it initially just to give me breathing space to process my feelings without thinking is he with her / contacting her. Didn’t do much good in the long run mind 🙄.