I feel so betrayed and hurt by DH

[Namechange20002]

Have found out tonight that DH has been speaking to his female friend about our sex life, relationship issues, really intimate personal things. I just feel so betrayed, hurt and embarrassed, and I don’t know how to come back from this.

We have three young children and haven’t been having a great deal of sex or intimacy for some time. He’s shared all of this with her, even messaged her: “bought xxx a toy so that she can satisfy herself, this is in the hope that it will help her feel more in the right headspace/mood”

I feel such a deep level of embarrassment and betrayal, I’m such a private person. I would never in a million years share details of our sex life or marriage problems with friends, and I never thought he would have either. Ive honestly never felt betrayed like this, I just don’t know how to move on from this.

And to be honest, even telling his mum or his sister information that intimate could feel like a betrayal to some.

Nonetheless, there’s nothing to indicate it’s anything more than a discussion/ outlet on his part op - albeit you are entitled your opinion on what you are comfortable with on that front.

I agree with this as I have close male friends, I have one male friend who told me a bit too much when his marriage wasn’t great, but other than that no deeply personal stuff about partners has been shared on either side, and I very much wouldn’t want to know anything extremely private relating to the partner of a friend.
I think being friends since 16 though…at that age you do tend to talk about more personal things for reassurance, and so maybe they have just continued sharing this kind of information? Of course he should not have shared such private stuff about you, and should be taking that on board from now on. Would he be ok with you telling your mates very personal stuff relating to him ?
I do see that sometimes it can be hard to see where the line is. Occasionally a female friend has shared something she is worried about in a sexual relationship, and we all need trustworthy and sensitive friends to talk to at times, but anything that might really embarrass the other person should not be shared unless it’s essential to get some help or support .

"I’ve asked him before if he also shares stuff about us, and he said no. "

Not only did he over share, he lied both in what he shared, the video he sent, and he lied to OP that he wasn't sharing personal stuff about his marriage with his "friend". He's also deleted. So OP knows he lies.

That video puts their entire sex life issues on OP. He was trying out the my wife won't have sex with me, I'm a victim of a bad marriage. He plays the victim, with his friend and his oldest child.

Offloading on the 8 year old, just manipulative and awful. I think that needs to be addressed asap as this could really cause a lot of harm. It comes off as really shady when he's just said ok to OP when she says she doesn't know if she can get past this and his not saying much before he left earlier.

I think OP has discovered her husband is not the man she thought he was and it's changed her view of her husband and her marriage. It's time to look at her options and gather info. She does need to sit and communicate with her husband as to how he wants to proceed forward and what does he expect their marriage to be after this. What boundaries will he be putting into place with the friend would bevdiscussed. She can suggest counseling. She can say she needs time to think. She can separate in house. She can consult a lawyer as to what she could expect from a divorce. She could go for some individual counseling sessions for herself.

Jesus Christ. Flipping awful parenting. I would have told you to work on the messages with him, but that? I'd be bloody fuming. Your poor poor child.

If it was a male friend he was confiding in, would that be better or worse. People have a right to talk about their own lives with their close friends.

But it's clear she's not talking to him about it, it's very one sided. So she's not encouraging him, advising him or ridiculing your sex life to him. It could be she finds this all a bit much.

I don't think it means he's likely to cheat with her.

I'm not sure if I would consider this a deal breaker, especially with kids involved.

You can make it plain you do not want him talking about this to others. But equally if you wanted to talk about that stuff with a close friend I would find that fairly normal.

It makes no difference I would not be happy for my dh to talk to anyone in this way. It’s very very disrespectful.

Secondly, you say carry on - but how is op supposed to be intimate at all with a man that feels like he does about her? How can the marriage continue with so much contempt and disrespect ?

I don't disagree that if OP is hurt and betrayed then that's a line crossed. Of course I understand that it was very unwise of him to do this.

Well said.

I agree. Also The dismissive tone in which he speaks about his wife in texts to this woman.
The Poor Me act. Confiding things along the lines of "I've even bought her a vibrator, (how extremely generous and thoughtful of him!) maybe that will get her in the mood to put out" I'd have to hand it back to him in pieces (OK, I know that wouldn't help matters in real life but it did occur to me when I read his comments.)
The fact that he seems to blame OP for the lack of intimacy, despite his own medical issues and knowing that she's also worried about her medical issues. He hasn't got the patience to allow her to sort those out?

What is he doing to create time and space and an atmosphere in which to build on intimacy? Planning a weekend break, or a nice evening out together?
It also makes me wonder how much parenting and general life chores does he actually do for these three kids.... or is it all the OP bearing the brunt of it? Has that occured to him?

And when found out? He shows zero remorse because as OP says, He's made it all her problem. He simply doesn't seem to see how much he's hurt her. He only seems to see how it impacts him. How did he think this behaviour was going to help his relationship with his wife? As for having a crying breakdown in front of their 7 year old, that's disgusting, another part of the "Poor Me, Mean Mummy" act, designed to gain sympathy, without a care in the world for the effect it would have on his poor son.

No one has died. He's simply been found out. Boo Double Hoo. It takes quite a selfish person to inflict that on a small child.

What's Mean Mummy done to deserve this? well despite his generous donation of a sex toy, she's been too busy bringing up his children, trying to sort out a medical issue to have sex as often as he requires it. Despite the fact that he has less time for her because attention is elsewhere, and he's busy having coffee mornings and Poor Me ing it, with the OW.

OP. I think you should have some counselling for yourself initially to help you work through this, and you could do with some support.

Unwise and totally stupid to put your marriage and family at risk like this. Whether op manages to find a way to salvage their marriage (and it will be her choice ultimately) the fact remains that this will seriously dent the trust in their relationship and her opinion of him as a person. Whether they can get past this breach and betrayal will depend on the strength and endurance of the relationship they had before this, and if she can ever see him as part of her team again.

I am not calling for immediate divorce, but he needs to work out how HE is going to salvage their marriage, this is not for op to fix.

A genuine, heart felt apology and remorse, an understanding of what he has done and a sincere commitment to never hurt her again like this would be a good start…. We haven’t seen any of that in evidence so far.

In principle I don’t see the problem I’m sharing problems with a friend, even if they are about intimate aspects of a relationship. However it doesn’t seem like your H has been very mature or respectful in how he’s done this - sending the video for example - it sounds very crass.

On balance though, I think you are potentially overreacting. Is it possible to put in place new privacy boundaries so this doesn’t happen again? Perhaps you could reflect on whether you have been difficult to talk to about sex and physical affection (genuinely I don’t know and not accusing you here)?

Sounds totally inappropriate. Not surprised you feel betrayed and hurt. Is something going on or about to go on between the two of the,m. If she was a decent person she wouldn't be encouraging this talk.

Read this over and over again. The most sense I’ve ever seen on here. Bravo

I share everything about everything with my best friend, and relationship issues (from sex to emotional stuff) are something we talk through together a lot, trying to work out what’s happening, what the best course of action is, what might help each other’s partners, etc. I honestly don’t know what I’d do without someone to talk this stuff through with and I know she feels the same. So i don’t necessarilty think this is disrespectful. But I know many others feel they don’t want their partner discussing their intimate life with anyone. I just think with the right friend, talking stuff through with a trusted confidante who is on the outside of the situation can help massively.

Sorry though having read all your updates the way your husband is doing this and the kind of content he has share does not sound respectful at all

What a self pitying creep.

He's having an emotional affair sadly.

I think that is very common, accepted and understand, and I think if the messages read like he was asking for advice or confiding her in how he felt, and talked about his frustrations etc, it would still be hurtful to read, but she could probably understand the need for him to vent that outside of their relationship, most people confide in friends etc.

But he is actually telling this woman that OP just doesn't want intimacy with him no matter what he does, but that isn't the truth, she has medical problems which are not her fault, and so does he, and they've been actively working on their intimacy issues to bring it back on track.

Basically OP is having pain and issues during and after sex and he is telling the OW that OP is just not interested in him sexually and she is not the wife he wants.. there is a reason he is lying to the OW about their circumstances and it is nothing to do with 'trying to work out what’s happening, what the best course of action is, what might help each other’s partners, etc.'

I think it is unfair to say the OP is over reacting. If you look back through OP's posts... OP's said very clearly she's has been very open to talking to him about the issue and felt they had been making progress.

One of the reasons she is so offended by all this is that essentially he has lied and misrepresented her to the friend,to gain sympathy for himself . The "Carry On" style video he posted saying what a husband wants and what a husband gets with his caption "My Life!", in particular, completely misrepresents the situation and denies the fact this HIS medical problems also played a significant part. OP had medical problems too which he could have some patience with. He's been trash talking OP to a single woman, who has been "leaning on him" regularly texting him and arranging meet ups.

Given that he shows no remorse at all for this and doesn't seem to think he's done anything wrong... how could she trust that putting privacy boundaries in place would work?

I would be raging.

However, if this is all there is, I wouldn’t end my marriage over it. Like PP have said, it isn’t always easy to do it alone.

I’d take some time to think and decompress with husband still in the house to make sure you’re not stuck with 100% of the childcare responsibilities and no time to yourself to get your head sorted. Let him stew a bit. Go to the gym, see your friends.

Make it very clear that what he has done is unacceptable and a betrayal. You will not tolerate it. He needs to get counselling sorted and firmly tell this friend that he has overstepped, upset his wife and will be taking a step back from the friendship until he can behave properly. Over time if he learns his lesson it’s fixable. You’ll probably never see him quite the same, but if your life is otherwise happy it is a lot to throw away, when you have small children.

so you'd be happy if your partner told a friend of theirs that they had bought you a vibrator as a gift in the hope that it would nake you put out more? Seriously?....and then involves his kids? Honestly?

Sounds like he's trying to talk about sex with her and this is his way of bringing it up.

Yeah I agree @DuckbilledSplatterPuffhence saying she’s potentially overreacting and that his video sounds gross. None of us have seen the messages ultimately. Maybe I should have just said I don’t think it’s wrong to talk to close friends about sex, it’s a massive part of the human experience.

He is hinting that there is a vacancy. Let’s call it what it is shall we.

I would be very angry and that video is awful!

But I don’t think I would end my marriage over this unless there was even more to it.
Your marriage needs some serious work and it sounds like you had intimacy issues for a while.

I’d at the very minimum expect a heartfelt apology and explanation of why he’s shared so many intimate details with his friend. I don’t know if you tried relationships counseling, but perhaps that would be my next step if I was confident that he is very apologetic and is serious about wanting to work on the relationship.

If he is however sticking to “OK, if you want to end this, I understand.”, then I’d say he’s already checked out.

I’d also say, and this will be different for everyone, I don’t consider what he did cheating, but a major breach of trust.

Either way, I would take a few days to calm down and take it from there.